Well, I couldn't sleep very well and got up at the crack of dawn today.  I watched Primetime Live last night about Grizzly Man and it just left me with this feeling of dread.  What disturbed me was the pain in Timothy Treadwell's best friend's face, Jewel Palovak, when Werner Herzog listened to the audio tape that was left on while Treadwell and his girlfriend were being mauled to death by a Grizzly.  Werner tells her to turn it off and then says, "Jewel, you should never listen to this tape..."  The despair of it left me restless.  Probably because the sort of things this Timothy Treadwell did are the kind of things I can see my best friend, Andrew doing.  I've long feared hearing about him dying in some accident while on one of his adventures and not hearing from him for weeks on end makes me nervous.

Sometimes when you don't hear from a close friend for a long period of time, you begin to say to yourself, "Someone better have died to keep them away from me for this long..."

Well, it's never about anyone dying, or getting into an accident, or lying in a hospital bed somewhere suffering from cancer, it's usually that friend just has lost interest in you.  It usually happens after they move to another city or state and they get this whole other life that doesn't include you.  No matter how much time we spend on the phone or email, it can't erase the physical distance and the longing you have to hang out with them like you used to.  Before Andrew moved, he promised me that we'd have more time before his move to hang out, but then he started a temple and a job for clean water and soon there was no time left.  Whenever he would visit Milwaukee, our times together were rushed, and I could barely catch my breath around him.  I hated him for moving, but also was proud of him.  For a long while he's been anxious for me to move to the Minneaopolis area and I've been working my butt off to do just that.

My plan was to get enrolled in the Minneapolis College of Art & Design, move to Minneapolis, and be neighbors with my best friend again, join his temple, too, but my application for enrollment did not pass.  Even though I was highly complimented on my artistic skills, my grades were too poor.  Then my best friend buys a house and moves again.  Since he bought a house and wants me to move over there, you'd think he would've offered a room to me, right?  Well, that didn't happen.

Now I'm really resentful towards him.  I get an invite to a housewarming.  Just now I find out that he bought a house and is living with a girlfriend that he never told me about.  Hell, I'm not even sure she's his girlfriend, I just get this invite where he mentions a girl named Andrea.  Of course I'm jealous, how dare he offer someone else a place to live with him and not me!  But I'm also feeling betrayed that he hasn't told me anything.  I should've suspected something when I hadn't heard from him in a long while and especially whenever I talked to him he would use the terms "we did this" and "we went to..."  I thought he was talking about his students, now I know better.

When I confronted him about not hearing from him in a long while and asked why he wasn't regularly answering my emails like he used to, he gave me the excuse that it's "just harder to find your Email address" and that he's been too busy which is total bullshit.  I have plenty of other very busy friends who write me on a regular basis.

So after watching this Grizzly show, a piece of my heart shattered inside -- what would I do if I found out my best friend went off with his girlfriend into the woods and he didn't tell me how long he would be gone and I'd sit and wait for word from him and not get it only to later find out that he's dead?  I know I may sound melodramatic, but it stings.  

I mean, really, does this guy sound like he's still my best friend?  Or should I just face the fact that he's gone?  And I really do feel guilty for being jealous, too.  Whether this new woman in his life is a friend or something more shouldn't be a problem, right?  I should be happy for him, but right now, all I am is mad that I'm not being fully included in his life.  Grrrr....