I hate moving.  It's not the packing or loading, it's just the idea of having to move to a new place, a place I'm not sure is where yet.  I seem to always be looking for "home" and not finding it.  I'm tired of renting places and being under the heel of landlords.  I'm equally tired of living in a city where all my old friends are gone and I am weary of the idea of returning to Milwaukee where I'd have to face walking down all the familiar places I once frequented with my old friend Drew.  Maybe I just need to be in an entirely new place and start completely over and experience adventure again.  What I'd love to do is be completely free, to live out in the wilderness somewhere, become a hermit, or just own a house I can really call my own.  Yet I don't know the slightest thing of how to own a home.  All I know is I am homeless even when I have a place to stay.

Home to me is more than just a place.  Yet how will I ever find it without money?  Or friends?  Or help? 

The packing is going slowly this weekend.  I got another letter from the landlady.  Her father is taking me to court.  I worry now that I will never have the credit to own anything or ever get a decent job.  Without credit, I am screwed, so many companies now look into your credit record.  I could be an excellent employee but with bad credit, I give the impression I am dishonest and untrustworthy.  It's like the end of my life before I can live it.  I wonder why anyone would bother taking me to court anyway.  I don't have anything to give up now.  If I were living in a previous century, I'd surely be in debtor's prison or selling myself on the street for bread and shelter.  What sort of life am I living now?  I've been evicted so often, I can't see a way out of it.  As I search for new apartments, my heart sinks because the rent seems to keep getting higher and I have no means at this time to pay even a security deposit.  It's times like these I feel like a big loser -- the kind of loser who has no right to own anything, like my life is ending prematurely all because I haven't yet found a way to serve some purpose in the world, or like I'm a cockroach scurrying here and there living in places that belong to others.  It makes me feel disgusted with myself. 

For over a year now I've been unemployed.  No one seems to want to hire me and I'm weary of being rejected everytime I turn in an application.  I am a very talented person, sure, but why aren't people around here giving me a chance?  All I've got is the comic book job but that is freelance and now I can only get paid from that project once it's done.  My credit is a disaster.  I do not have a bank account.  I have no major assets.  For nearly a year and a half I have lived in a basement apartment that I never put a security deposit on.  The landlady let me move in and stay there knowing full well I did not have a job and had no secure means of obtaining a future income.  I literally have nothing to give her.  I'm not the only person she's let stay in her home for practically free.  She's a good person who seems to sacrifice herself a lot to friends in need, but now I'm being accused of taking advantage of her.  Thing is, I moved into debt to her from the very start, and I will be moving out in debt to her still.  This just seems like a no-win situation for everyone.

I have til the 17th to get out or face a forced eviction by police.  Somehow I have to get my brother to front me the money and the energy to help me put my possessions in storage.  He's willing to put me up for the next couple weeks, but once again I'm living in debt to another person and that means no freedom.

When will things get better?  Dare I hope for the better?  I've just found myself too often in this situation.  Makes me wonder if I will ever live totally on my own for good.

Meanwhile there are empty boxes that need filling and a mess of stuff to get rid of and I can't help but feel the burn of that burden.   

If you know how I can find a way out of this, let me know.