Do I have what it takes to go back to art school?

What are my strengths and weaknesses?  Why do I want to go back to college?  Do I just simply want to finish what I started, or do I have a higher purpose?  And what makes me special enough to be accepted back into art school?  I have to answer these questions with confidence and maturity in order to write a successful "statement of interest" essay that will get me accepted into classes at MCAD.  It's proving to be harder than I first anticipated. 

1.  I've been out of classes for eight years now.

2.  I have inconsistant grades fluctuating from A's to D's because of learning disabilities that weren't diagnosed until my junior year in college.

3.  In the fall of 1997 I had a nervous breakdown, was in the hospital for two weeks, and therefore missed the academic withdrawal deadline warranting me a suspension (hence why I've been out of classes for 8 years).

I've written dozens of essays now and, in light of my obstacles, not one seems to be strong enough for me.    "What is the one experience you've had that brings you to art school?" the Admissions director has asked me.  I'm having trouble presenting any one experience, I just come up with reasons why I want to go back to art school:

1.  I lack the experiences I need to land myself a job as a professional illustrator.

2.  I hunger for the collaboration I once had with other students when I was in classes.

3.  I'm tired of producing work that doesn't get used or noticed by the world at large.

4.  I need to be in an atmosphere where my talents and skills can be nurtured.

When I was previously in school, the focus was on "how to draw, paint, write, etc. better."  The constant critiques tested my patience.  Most of other students' work wasn't that good.  And the assignments rarely interested me.  I often pushed the limits of my professors' patience by seeing how far I could get away with doing what I wanted as oppposed to what they wanted me to learn.  No one really guided me on how to earn a living as an artist.  It is very hard to be a professional and so very easy to sink into a day job where the only difference in the world I'm making is how much crap I've sold to people.

I think my Old Friends in Stevens Point are avoiding me...

I've run into old friends I made at UWSP and none of them seem to want anything to do with me.  Sure, many of them are married with children (or with children on the way) now and they have careers to keep them busy, but I can't shake the feeling they just don't fucking like me anymore -- or maybe they never did!  I give them my phone number and they don't give me theirs.  Ask a few out to eat and they give me excuses.  Some walk away as I am talking to them.  A couple others I exchanged email messages with for a little while and then nothing!  Sure, I know the old days are gone, but I never thought the future would be like this.  I mean, I'm not looking for some big reunion, and maybe I'm just being a little nostalgic, but I'm realizing that we can no longer know each other because we no longer have anything in common.  This town is so full of memories for me that it makes me feel empty.  The only people I'm friends with now all live much farther away and I pray that the same fate does not befall us!

A few things I've realized today...

1.  The worst thing about depression is that it disables you from recieving and recognizing the love others have for you.

2.  I'm not perfect.  I'm still learning how to love myself.  Loving myself is a full time job and it's harder than school.

3.  Most of the mistakes I've made were done because I had to prove myself wrong.

4.  It's hard to come to terms with my victories when I've suffered so many losses.  I believe that's why I weep when I'm happy.

5.  Why is it so hard to let go of the negative when the positive is so much better for me?  I think a very vital part of me wants to defeat what defeats me, so I hold on to the negative to keep my over confidence in check...

6.  I don't believe violence and revenge are the answer, yet I can't deny my need to express my anger when I'm hurt.  I think anger can heal you as much as forgiveness that way.  It's only natural to bite back at the things and people who bite you.

Yet another close friend has moved on to greener pastures...

My friend Greg has moved.  I'm happy for him yet I feel guilty for feeling sad to let go of this familiar person in a familiar place...  I will miss him and the old apartment where we spent many nights staying up late talking and watching movies.  I really miss "our commentaries" and I really miss snuggling up to him on the couch.  He was like a pillow to me.  Now he's someone else's pillow.  *sigh!*

Where-oh-where has my Drewper gone? Where-oh-where could he be?

My best friend is missing-in-action for the time being.  I hate it when he's too busy to talk longer than five minutes to me on the phone.  I appreciate that he works very hard campaigning for clean water and teaching, but I can't help but admit my selfish desire to want to keep him all to myself.  Of course, if I had the power to kidnap the guy, he'd chew my head off, so that's not a very good idea.  Also, it's been since last August since I last saw him and we only had a few hours to kill together.  So, yeah, I have to spring on him soon.  Drew's one of those friends who is more like family to me than my real family.  I'm sure everyone's got friends like that.  No matter how far away he is, he's always with me, so sometimes I forget to remember to miss him!  Isn't that weird?

It is the "Orgazmo" that keeps Us together!

Okay, so "Orgazmo" was FINALLY released on dvd last week and because it's NC-17, I had to special order the damn flick.  I was so anxious to get it that I ordered it as a two day delivery from UPS but, as my luck would have it, it took seven very long days to get to me.  Sure I got my delivery charges refunded for the screw up, but talk about annoying!  So once I get it home, I called up my brother Mark and we had ourselves a little party.  You see, this film has special siginificance for Mark and I because it was the first Trey Parker and Matt Stone movie we ever watched -- we saw it before Cannibal the Musical! 

Blood is thicker than water so you can't wash blood stains out with water -- so no matter how many times I haven't gotten along with my brother, we still find ourselves back together over something stupid we both appreciate.  When we first saw "Orgazmo" it was shortly after Mark's first son was born and he had just gotten him to sleep.  We had to be quiet to not wake up the baby, but it's almost impossible not to laugh loudly while watching "Orgazmo."  So you can imagine how careful we had to be.  It was like a dare -- let's see how long we can watch without laughing.  We ended up having to pause the tape and step outside to laugh.

The re-release is great, filled with new features and an unrated version of the film.  It was a little anti-climatic because I think I expected more like nude shots of Trey and Matt or something.  In any case, it's still just as funny as the first time, except this time my brother and I could laugh out loud!  Go out and get it.  It's so worth it.  It'll keep you entertained for hours.