After my last post, I promised to mention what "my type" is.  Defining what I find attractive in other people is kinda hard.  For most of this weekend I've sat here trying to figure out the elusive qualities in others that make me get all flushed with love.  I must admit I've chose to not think about it too much lately.  My lack of sex drive right now allows me to reason through the crazy past relationships I've had and the therapy I've recieved lately makes me analyze way too much what I've felt.  But what about what I feel now?  I believe under the layers of neurosis I have, that there is a genuine woman who requires desire and love to stay alive and healthy. 

To deny myself the possibility of a relationship is not only silly, but harmful, however I have to let out the fear I have of falling prey to another scenario where I am slave to my desires for someone who does not love me.  Too often I've opened myself sexually to men hoping that it would convince them to love me.  For, am I not, giving them what other women won't?  For some reason, despite how kind or giving I am, I've yet to become the kind of woman a man I find attractive wants for a mate.  I've never been ready or equipped with enough confidence to enter the world of dating.  I still feel that dates are an exercise in humiliation.  I don't like being assessed by another human being.  I hate the feeling of being "looked through" when I'm at a bar or singles outing.  And I especially hate the ritual of dressing up just so I can be attractive for what can only be a one night stand.  I've misread the signals given to me by men I like.  I've often blamed myself for not fitting in. 

I'm also still very haunted by the relationship I had with Drew.  I know, I know it's a broken record, but the things he said and did still have a harsh sting on my confidence.  I don't want to harp on him alone because there are many other men who have hurt me, but since he's the most recent, well, you get the idea.  It's hard to work up the motivation to try to meet new people when you can still vividly remember the stupid thing I did once where while he was flirting with me, I jumped back and accidentally knocked the table and spilled beer all over his nice clothes.  I still remember poor Andrew sitting there with a blank look on his face, the previous expression of warmth towards me suddenly gone, and he mumbled, "It's seeping into my underwear..."  My eyes immediately welled up in tears as everyone around us laughed.  And that embarassing incident is the least of my bad memories.  I'm not a smooth operator.  It was like fate proclaiming me an idiot forever to someone I really worshipped.

I think the absolutely WORST experience I ever had trying to get someone to date me was the time I actually decided to do something creative and cute.  His name was Shannon and I had a crush on him.  He liked comics, so I drew him several comic strips as a means to impress him with my ability to draw and tried to make light of me asking him out.  I could tell from his reaction to the comic strip that I was not going to get any joy out of it.  I remember him giving me this look that read "how dare you put me on the spot" and "now I've got to be a bad guy."  The positively worst thing was the sigh he gave me first, then that look, eyes down cast, and his left hand letting go of the comic strip like it was just a dirty napkin.  I had spent several hours drawing that little cute gem of a strip, all in vain.  What guy wouldn't want to be drawn into a comic?  He said, "No, Val.  But can we still hang out?"  I would've rather he had just said, "fuck off" because months later, way after I no longer had a crush on him after I saw what kind of guy he really was, I ended up going on a trip to the comic-con in Chicago with him, a trip that would end in disaster.  He expected me to pay for gas on the way home and almost left me behind.  For the rest of the way home, he didn't talk to me and no one else in the car talked to me.  If the idiot had just planned things better, I would've given him the money earlier.  He probably still thinks I'm hot for him.  But that lesson taught me to never assume anything is just fine and dandy with someone you once fancied.

I have other horror stories, but what I've discovered about myself is that despite the many times I've been turned down, I'm still here, alive, and dreaming.

So, what is my type?  I guess I should break it down for ya.

1.  Every man I've wanted to never kick out of bed has had a unique creative quality about them.  I've dated writers and artists.  There's nothing better than to talk shop with someone you love.  Better yet, to get to create with someone you love is even better.  Many of them weren't big lookers either, but their enthusiasm for dreaming up fantastic worlds got me hot and bothered.

2.  I love long hair.  There's nothing sexier than getting to play with a guy's hair.

3.  Feminine men interest me.  Or, let me put this another way, I love men who are still straight and still look and feel like men but like to play dress up.  If I could date a transvesite, I would.  But these boys are rare.  If I ever met Eddie Izzard I would love to rock his world.  My only worry would be I would have to be just as hip as he is!

4.  I love men who are exotic in some real way.  If they have an accent or can speak another language, they could more easily get me hooked onto them, as long as they are being for real and not just using their exoticness to only get me to give them head!

5.  In order for a guy to really turn me on, he has got to be a spiritual leader.  I don't know why, but I have a thing for priests and magicians.  I would date a Catholic priest even.  Beyond that, I have dated Satanic priests, too.  There's just something extremely sexy about a magic man...

6.  Let me clarify the spiritual qualities further, even if he isn't a priest, if he's a witchy man and likes to romp around in the woods, he's my kind of guy.  He just better not have a bushy beard.  I don't like beards much.  Just give me lots of hair on top to play with!

7.  A guy has to be well groomed and sophisicated to get my attention.  He can be a jerk as long as he doesn't look like one.  A very elusive quality, indeed.

8.  I like men who wear jewelery.  Not too bling, just a little something, like a unique ring or pendant that catches the eye.  However, I absolutely hate guys who wear a lot of piercings in odd places.  If he's got piecered ears, that's one thing, but if he's got a tongue ring or pierced eyebrows, forget it.

9.  Someone who isn't overly domineering.  However, a man should be confident.  As Stevie Nicks sang, "Rulers make bad lovers" and this is absolutely true.  Because rulers are insecure, they always have to have control, and they love telling you what to do.  I like gentle leaders.  A true kingly man is empowered from within and does not have to exert his power over others to prove himself worthy of love.

10.  The rarest quality of a man is one where he is spiritual when it comes to sex.  He has to be tender and warm, loving and full of grace when it comes to handling the opposite sex.  A man who knows how to love a woman is hard to find.  Too often guys just seem to PUNCH their way into a vagina and think that you're just supposed to come at the length of their penis.  Thing is, I've been with small penis guys who really knew how to move me.  They had what Heart called "a magic touch" and that's what I always hold out for.

That's my top ten.  Everything in bold defines my type.  It would be even easier to type up the things I don't want, but I wanted to keep it simple.