I find myself in the middle of transition and at the end of my Tarot deck project.  Whenever a relationship changes and whenever I finish something I put a lot of energy into, I get a little depressed.  What do I do now?  Who do I love now?  Where am I going?  I would welcome change if only it didn't mean I had to let go of things.  Last Saturday I recieved a psychic reading from my Strega teacher, Sharon.  I hadn't seen her in nearly five years and when she saw me she gave me one of her usual greetings: "What are you doing here... again?"  The last time I saw her was on my birthday in 2000 and I was making plans to leave Stevens Point for Milwaukee.  I had just met my future best friend that last November and was about to experience my Saturn Return (I had just turned 30).  Sharon said to me back then, "What are you doing here?"  You see, she knew as well as I did, that living in Stevens Point for me is a temporary situation -- my little stop along the way to wherever it is I'm supposed to be.  This time, five years later, Sharon tells me I really need to move on to Minneapolis otherwise staying here will just further delay my progress.  I know my friends in Milwaukee will be saddened to hear that I am now making a firm decision to move, but it's true.  If I go back to Milwaukee I believe my life will further stagnate and if I stay in Stevens Point I'll just get more depressed.

Yet how will I move?  And with what money?  I spend a lot of time wondering what the hell to do next and sometimes I wait for someone to tell me what to do next -- or tell me what I know I should do next.  Does that make sense?

All I can tell you is what I want to do now and, so, the plan now is to finish my application for enrollment at the Minneapolis College of Art and Design (MCAD).  Yet I hesitate to do just that.  Moving to Milwaukee was not that big of a transition -- Milwaukee was my hometown, I knew the people, places, and things there.  The only people I know in Minneapolis are my friend Andrew, his friend Bonnie, and his sister Julie.  They will be the only family I'll have there.  Going there I will have to face new crowds and new places.  This is something I will have to do gradually.

So, back to my reading with Sharon...  I know that some of you out there believe psychic readings to be nothing more than hogwash.  Sure they are if you're only looking for the simple entertainment of your fortune being told.  Thing is, the future can be read, it's just up to you to edit it.  When you find the right "Psychic Reader" for you, the reading is more like getting spiritual counselling or New Age therapy.  It's also just more damn interesting to see a reader than it is to see a doctor -- both can help you get in touch with yourself, but a reader will not call you crazy when you talk about communicating with your ancestors and spirit guides, if you know what I mean.  Or maybe you might not know what I mean because you are from a culture that doesn't listen to spirits or maybe you'll think I'm dealing with Devil cards just because I happen to not be a Christain.  Anyway....

The Tarot deck Sharon used is the Osho Zen Tarot -- a good deck for dealing with issues in a clear, plain manner.  Here are the cards Sharon pulled for me:

Slowing Down: a card depicting a turtle moving slowly through a forest of leaves.  This card indicated that I am thinking too fast and too much.  I'm already feeling the push to move forward but I can'd do it in a hurried manner.  I need to take the time to get ready first. 

Flowering: a woman sitting on a lotus flower that has just bloomed.  Sharon told me that this indicates that I am finally going to be coming out of my shell.  I need to stop getting discouraged and follow through with my plans.  "You need to design, to draw out the inner meanings of things for others," Sharon said, "this is what you are meant to do.  You are about to blossom."

Celebration: three women dance in the rain.  This card told of drastic change.  I will be meeting others of a like mind.  There will be a lot of involvement with other women.  Sharon said, "You may fight it at first because you tend not to trust people after what you've gone through, but you really shouldn't fight.  Let go and have fun with the girls."  She also told me that the work I will be doing will inspire women and that being with other women will make me feel more safe.

Going With the Flow:  a male figure floats along a river stream.  I will find more pagan friends in Minneapolis but their practices will be different than mine.  If I resist the differences, I will have a harder time getting along with people.  This card indicated that I have entered a time where I should learn new things anyway and I should let go of my misgivings and give in to the greater needs of the circle.

Ordinariness: a woman in a straw hat is picking flowers in a field.  When this card was drawn, Sharon gave me a stern look and said gruffly, "You will always stand out, so stop beating yourself up for not fitting in, Val."  It's true, I do tend to beat myself over not fitting in.  All the friends I had here in Stevens Point are all married and having kids, or worse yet, they have successful careers.  I tend to feel left out.  When other women are planning their weddings, I'm at home hunched over a desk.  And I can't seem to keep a relationship that will last.  Most men I'm attracted to are attracted to women who are ordinary -- they don't seem to want a woman like me who is a better artist than she is a housekeeper!

Aloneness: a monk prays on the edge of a cliff.  As if I didn't realize it already, Sharon told me that there will be no new sexual or romantic relationships for me at the time being.  I need to be alone with myself for awhile.  She said that perhaps later on the new group I will meet will help me overcome this loneliness.

The Source: a very large ovum is bursting with light and dozens of sperm are racing to penetrate the shell.  This card told Sharon that I have to stop looking outside of myself for the answers.  I also should separate the spiritual from the material.  Sex is spiritual for me, I can't do the act without my heart attached to the person I'm having sex with.  "You need to go back inside yourself," Sharon advised, "and give yourself the energy you gave to the men in your life."  After I do that maybe then I'll be ready to have a relationship again.

Guidance: in this card, an angel is leading a young woman into the light.  When this card was pulled, Sharon raised her voice and ordered me to LISTEN.  She said that there are plenty of people in this world and the next who are ready to help me, but for some stupid reason I'm not listening.  Sharon said I should also stop trying to interpret signals and assume I know things, I really need to just simply ask for the meaning and it will be given to me.

We Are the World: a globe is surrounded by a circle of people holding hands.  This card indicated that my place in the world is changing and that I should just go with the changes because I'm not really losing anything, I'm actually gaining new friends and experiences.  Sharon saw travel for me in the distant future.  Maybe I will go to Ireland someday after all!!!

Miser: an old man holds a treasure chest close to his chest.  Sharon said this indicated that I have locked up my feelings.  She said that I would've had a closer relationship with a man if I had not bottled up my feelings for him.  I should've opened up to him sooner.  Now I'm too scared to share.  I told Sharon that the reason why I don't always share my feelings is because my emotions are too intense, I'm afraid of scaring away a potential mate.  When I mentioned this to her she felt that there is someone in my life who is very sensitive and that I shouldn't dump my feelings on him.  She felt that this was Andrew.  "Let him help you," she advised, "he's not there as a resvouir for your problems."  I'll try to remember that.  I think I'm not the only one who tends to use a close friend as a sounding board in the negative way!

The last cards drawn were New Vision and Creativity.  Sharon said that these indicated my true position in the world -- to focus on new images and bring my visions to life.  She said that things will move very fast and I will be restless.  The best thing for me to do in order to grow as an artist is to move to a place I haven't lived before.  "You've outgrown the cities you've lived in, Val," Sharon said, "so it should be no mystery where you need to go."

I must say I agree.