First off, Happy Beltaine to all of you out there!  I have a lot to be excited about today.  For starters, my friend Andrew is in Ireland and should be coming back this week full of tales to tell.  I'm looking forward to his phone call.  Secondly, three of my blog templates are available at mindsay!  Go to Pick Theme.  Select either Chocolate Cat, Kill Billy, or Kiss the Sky and you will be selecting originals by moi!!!!   The cat in the Chocolate Cat theme was a dear feline friend of mine named Nightshade -- he was a very loud cat and I thought his picture would be perfect for mindsay users.  I will be working on some new blank themes and color themes later this week. 

This Beltaine I am celebrating creativity and imagination.  So far this year I've created a Tarot deck, finished over a dozen self portraits, and have been hard at work writing several essays to get my butt back into college to finish my BFA.  Yet, sometimes it's hard to celebrate when you remind yourself how tough it is to get work and recognition for your work.  And sometimes it's the frustration that keeps you going.  And the determination to finish what you've started.  Even if it's taking me a lifetime.

I remember fourteen years ago being told that less than 10 percent of young people who enter art school actually make a career out of making art.  I came across an old college mate at a gas station the other night and I think he was trying to avoid me.  You see, he hasn't done any art in over six years!  Been too busy with a catering job, he said.  He graduated cum laude, had show after show, and he even did a summer session in New York.  What happened?  Was he too embarassed to tell me he hadn't been up to much lately?  Did he burn out?  Did he anticipate me asking personal questions?  Or did he just not like me and was hoping I hadn't noticed him?  He's not the only classmate I've encountered not doing much artistically and not the only one who wants to avoid me.  It made me feel a little sad for the old days when  I could surround myself with other artists and more anxious than ever to go back to my drawing board.

I want to do more than create, I want to make! 

Yet... I'm going to contradict myself here.  It's the amount of work I feel coming at me that frightens me.  There are times when I wish I could just push a button on my head and print out what I want to draw over having to take the time it takes to devote myself to the work.  I tend to focus on the destination, not the process.  Yet without the process, there's no work. 

It's hard to make a living at something that your average American thinks is just a hobby.  It's even harder when I've got family and friends who just consider what I do to be a hobby.  Folks only seem to value you based on what dollar sign they can tag on you and if you're not making the big bucks, then you must not be that good at what you do or you're just a damn fool.  Now, I like to do things on the cheap, but I have to watch it when I do things for free because then people will get the impression that everything I do is going to be for free.  When I do something for "free" I'm doing it for fun or as a favor for a special friend.   

Sometimes it's worse when folks think that they're doing you a favor by talking you into doing something for free.  I wouldn't be lying if I told you that, despite the amount of compliments I recieve for my talents and skills, people are always trying to get me to produce work for free.  "You'll be paid with exposure," they say, or, "I'll give you something in exchange" or "I'll give you a discount" if "you'll draw me [insert idea here]."  Now I am all for getting some free publicity every now and then, and I don't need any more stuff to fill my apartment with but free stuff is fun, yet it's peanuts for gold, kids.

I had a hard time this year so far putting a price tag on my work.  How much is too much or too little?  What would you pay for the works in progress I've displayed so far?  What sort of price tag are you putting on your work?  How much do you value yourself?  Can you boldly ask for what you deserve, even if it's not offered to you right away? 

In the progression of things, I fight laziness, hesitation, procrastination, and the second guessing that comes with that low self esteen that creeps up even when I say the words, "I've got it all under control" or "I'm doing just fine on my own" even though I've got loneliness all over me like a bad case of hives. 

I went into my closet last night and rediscovered artwork I've created that's over ten years old collecting dust.  Not everything I've done has been the work of a genius-- more like uncovering ancient scribbles of the "lost Valentina."  I think, in the end, the person whose opinion is most important should be my own.  I think my opinion of my artwork has improved over the years.  When you're more confident in what you do, it shows in your work.  My lines are sharper, more precise, and gone is the hackneyed cross hatching of a spotty art student.  I believe I'm ready to be a professional, yet there are times when I'm still figuring out what the hell I am doing.  In any case, at least I am doing something and having my fun while doing it, too.

Now that I think of it, I'd rather get a steady job as an illustrator over going back to college.  It's the company of artists I miss, not all those boring critiques and stupid assignments some professors gave me.  Whether I get a job and finish my BFA or not, I'm going to make this year count, big time, I have to, I owe it to myself.  And maybe you out there, too.

Again, happy Beltaine, and everyone out there who understands, keep up the good work, too!

~V