I've been planning to do a blog for several weeks now and wanted to do a theme related to the Tarot cards that I am designing.  The process of designing this new theme has left me exhausted.  I was going to do something much more individualized than the template I picked for this blog, but five hours go by and I'm still generating images!  Everytime I decide I am going to do something simple, I end up creating a complicated mess.  So now it's nearly 11pm and all my deep thoughts have slipped away. 

Even though I only feel like being brief, I suppose I should introduce myself in some polite fashion since I made this a public blog and this task has the potential of being anything but brief!  I like to talk.  I like to look.  I am Valentina and my favorite color is the kind of brillant warm red that can be seen in the deepest crimson roses and drops of blood fallen on white sheets of satin.  Okay, that was a bit melodramatic, but had to explain why I chose the "roses are red" theme for my blog. 

I like long stem red roses.  I once collected tons of red rose heads from a florist I used to do Tarot readings for.  That was nearly three years ago.  I told her I needed them for a project where I was going to heat up the petals and make them into rose beads.  My request was timely because she just had a shipment of red roses come in that was supposed to be for a wedding that had been cancelled.  Instead of throwing the roses into the garbage, she gave them to me.  My project started out simple enough but ended up becoming yet another one of my infamous messes.  I followed the instructions on how to make rose beads from Scott Cunningham's book on incense and brews except for one thing -- the only bottle of rose water that could find had gyclerin (forgive the spelling) in it.  I took a chance and poured it in...  The result was not the sticky muddy mess I needed to make to form the beads, I ended up with rubbery sticky petals that nearly congealed into a glob-like gel.  I couldn't make my rose beads with that.  Yet my experiment left my apartment smelling very nice.

I used the rest of the petals to stuff into my pillows and scattered what was left over my house altar.  I gave away a bowl full of petals to my best friend so he could have something to woo his girlfriend with.  A couple days later I got a special phone call from a guy I felt an intense sexual pull to and, well, spent a very special night with him on December 21, 2002. 

So that's my red rose petal story.  Tomorrow night sometime I will hopefully finish my Tarot website and display some of the cards I'm working on.

~V   

I figured I should add that the header image and the image I have used for my profile are pasted from my painting of the "Queen of Pentacles" -- a painting that I will feature a link to once I get done with my "Valentina Tarot" deck website.  Okay, now I'm going home!  Have a good night...

XXOOXX,

~V

It really bites to have allergies because you never know when something is going to trigger an asthma attack or migraine.  Today I had problems at my job. 

Now, first off, I'm lucky to have the job I have.  A nice, comfy job at a book store where I can spend my entire day organizing and cataloging things and helping people find obscure titles -- reminds me of the job I had at the UWSP library when I was a freshman in 1989 -- putting books in neat little piles gives me moments of pure Zen.  Also, I love books.  But what I don't love is working at a dirt mall selling books next to a merchant selling very stinky air fresheners that smell like fake cranberries -- the very same obnoxious berry-smelling air freshener you might gag on in a gas station restroom, you know, the industrial size chalky paste used to try to cover up the smell of bartime puke and other road side disasterous smells such as trucker body odor and human exhaust fumes from bad chilli. 

Air fresheners tend to make allergy and asthma sufferers like myself sick.  Worse yet on me are aerosol air fresheners.  There is no such thing as a hypoallergic air freshener!  Yet when I complained to the merchant selling the stinky things, he decided to argue with me about how I felt, telling me that I shouldn't be having a reaction to his product at all and that I'm the first to complain about his stuff.  To make matters worse, he went ahead and tried to sell me some of his product.  SURE, buddy.  Your stinky air fresheners already make me bleary eyed, sneezy, and head throbbity -- what makes you think I like feeling this way?  HE even suggested I go home and take some benedryl -- SURE, guy, then I wouldn't be able to concentrate at work...  The humanity!

So I complained to the mall manager.  In vain.  She told me that maybe I should quit my job.  Now this pissed me off even more.  Not only am I bleary eyed, sneezy, and head throbbity, I'm insulted.  What if I was handicapped in some other way?  What if I didn't have legs and needed a wheel chair and there was no ramp allowing me to come into the mall to shop?  What would the mall manager say to me if I requested help?  "Maybe you shouldn't shop here..."  It's just crass.

There oughta be a law or ordinance or something against obnoxious smells. 

Now, there are perfumes out there I'm not allergic to, yet there are also some people who wear way too much stinky stuff and there are people who religiously spray their homes with air fresheners.  Another obnoxious smell is bad incense -- the stick incense you might buy from a gas station or tourist trap gift store.  You'll know you've bought bad incense when you burn it and it leaves charcoal stains on your ceiling and walls.  The point I'm trying to make here is that even "good" smells can be too much.  I really wish people would be more courteous and realize that not everyone want to smell your favorite stench.

After the fiasco I had at work today, the next obnoxious odor to hit me was the smell of a customer dropping ass right in the middle of the busiest section of my store.  I understand that accidents happen and sometimes you can't make it to a restroom in time to conveniently fart in a place where one should fart, but come on!  And the guy laughed about it after he let it go!  He sends the rest of my customers gagging and fleeing but since I'm the assistant manager, I've got to stand in his cloud of stench.  I couldn't wait for one of my associates to come and relieve me so I could go outside and get a long breath of fresh air.

Another thing that bugs me is, after quitting smoking, my sense of smell and taste has improved.  I almost want to take up smoking again just so it can dull my senses enough so I don't get the full blast of other people's stinkiness!  Yet that's another thing making me bite the dust...  I never realized before just how stinky a habit smoking is.  Everytime a co-worker of mine comes back from a ciggie break, they come back smouldering like a tray full of butts.  I can't stand that post burnt cigarette smell anymore.  There was a time when I really liked it and the smell made me want to indulge, now the smell literally stings my sinuses.  I guess I had it coming sometime... better that than getting cancer, I suppose.

My other gripe is about dust.  And those itty-bitty dust mites that make me gag in the morning.  If I don't wash my bedding at least once a week, I wake up bleary eyed, sneezy, and head throbbity.  Having allergies and asthma makes me clean like a mad woman now.  I used to be more of a slob (due to sheer laziness not necessarily because I was stupid) but now I see the benefits of having a clean, ship-shape place.  My friend Greg said it best to me: "your home should be your place of pride."  I know it now, my friend.  Tomorrow maybe I'll talk about my new home instead of spending my time here grumbling about nasty odors.

Well, what can you do but live, right?  I'm glad to be going home where I can better control my environment.  Here's to better smells...

~V

Being a professional Tarot reader and an artist, I have long wanted to create a Tarot deck of my own and friends have long waited for me to make one, but I never got around to allowing it to happen because I usually get caught up illustrating something else.  Since my move up north, I've been separated from my old friends in Milwaukee and the lack of a social life leaves me with a lot more time to myself.  Instead of just sitting at home eating popcorn while watching movies, I decided that I could start AND finish a fully painted, full color Tarot deck by next January.  So far I have 24 cards completed and only 15 cards have been scanned.  I'm going to try to add thumbnails of the cards below...  So if you see a list of images after this paragraph, click on the images and you should be able to preview the cards (via Photobucket.com):

Queen of Pentacles

My Pentacles Queen has a garland of red roses about her neck and is crowned by a pentacle.  Her skin is slightly grey-green and her hair is dark brown.  I based this queen on myself, yet it is myself idealized; my way of connecting to the earthy qualities of the Pentacles Queen.  She is ambitious but selfless, deeply concerned with family, friends, and community.

Page of Swords

This Page is not human, "it" is more cloud than person.  The eyes look this way and that and we only percieve this creature while it is in motion.  The Page of Swords is alert and viligent; always on the lookout.  Pages are messengers and this one usually brings unexpected news and warnings.  When representing a person, this page is a student of words and weapons.

Three of Swords

Usually an ugly card, the Three of Swords represents separations and heartbreak.  When I think of this card, I see a heart being stabbed or torn apart by swords.  It is meant to appear painful.

Page of Pentacles

My Pentacles page is a boy daydreaming about the future.  There is a pentacle seemingly falling out of the sky just about to crown his head.  He brings news about investments and is a worthy apprentice.

Knight of Cups

Instead of showing the traditional "knight in shining armor," this Knight of Cups can only be seen through his reflection which he holds up to us in a huge glass cup.  This knight is romantic and emotional, yet he has trouble remaining true to promises made in moments of passion. 

Three of Cups

This card represents celebrations and weddings.  I focused on the cups being raised up in a toast.  The cups, once empty, are now being filled with cheer and excitement.

The Lovers

Unlike the traditional scene of a naked man and woman being tested (or blessed) by a cherub, I chose to make my Lovers card an ambiguous one.  The couple pictured here can be a man and a woman, or two women, or two men making out under bed covers.  Who you see here is up to you, and what's really going on between those covers is also up to your perception.  Are they really making love, or are they struggling with each other?  The Lovers card usually represents not just parternship and harmony, but a decision that has to be made based on who or what you want more.

The Sun

This card, and the one that follows it, sort of go together.  I wanted to show both the Sun and Moon with two faces.  If you draw the card reversed, you will see a different face looking back at you.  The Sun card deals with success and inspiration.  In my representation, the Sun is setting over Lake Michigan on Beaver Island.  There is a swan on the lake representing beauty, love, and the Arts.

The Moon

Since both the Sun and Moon are percieved as either "male" or "female" in various cultures on Earth, the faces shown here can be either of a man or a woman.  Cooler than the Sun, the Moon here deals with dreams, illusions, and the Unseen.  In the moonlight reflected off of Lake Michigan, a dog and coyote howl; these little shadowy figures represent animal instinct and mischief. 

Ace of Wands

Wands can be weapons or tools.  This Ace of Wands is topped off by a pink rose.  This card deals with new beginnings in the realm of career and creativity; the spark or idea that sets things into motion.  Traditionally it also represents Spring.

Six of Wands

The proud figure in this card is showing off their body and is obviously basking in the limelight.  The Six of Wands usually represents victory, cheer, and praise.

The World

This is a card of completion and mastery.  The figure is literally "on top of the world" and is flanked on all sides by powerful spiritual allies; an angel, eagle, lion, and bull.  Her wands are like fiery batons and she seems as if she is about to show us what she can do.

Queen of Wands

This Queen is a country lover and traditionally her companion is a little black cat.  The painting here is made to seem a little cliché and cute; the type of image a shopping mall mom might like or wear on a T-shirt.  My Queen of Wands was inspired by the classic look of Brigitt Bardot; she is passionate, attractive, honorable, and loving, yet she has a tendency to be jealous and demanding at times.

King of Pentacles

The Pentacles cards are ruled by the element of Earth, so why not show its King as a mighty oak?  This King is old with experience and wisdom, yet he is approachable like a favorite teacher.  He usually represents an employer or other person who holds a lot of wealth and authority.  While his queen concerns herself with intimate family and friends, he is more concerned with the outside world and is more active in large institutions like churches, schools, banks, and businesses whose services he provides for the good of All.

***Well, hopefully this gives you a mighty preview of how the cards are coming along.  Painting them has been both a joy AND an obsession.  I'm happy to do it. 

~V 

What you can expect to see next: I've been meaning to finish a few new comic strips starring my latest character, Natasha Claus, for the holidays.  More sketches of new characters and finished scripts are in the works.  I will preview them here in the upcoming week, that is, if I don't get too carried away with my Tarot deck!

I've become obsessed with my own designs and it's not a bad thing.  I was told once that an artist produces things, even if they are not needed.  Or maybe it went something like "an artist produces things that will be needed in the future."  I don't remember what teacher of mine told me that and it's apparent I don't remember the phrase exactly as it was told to me, but the meaning struck me and I've been dazed since.  So I've been productive.  I seem to be producing about ten images (two to three each night) for the last several weeks.

My preferred medium at this time is watercolors, ink, and arcrylics; they dry fast and are easy to clean up.  The water element appeals to my emotional side.  The way I chose each card to paint is literally by pulling a card from a Tarot deck I use for personal readings.  I shuffle and select until I am through with the entire deck.  The cards below were chosen in this order... 

Death

This card shows a skull embraced by a living rose bush.  The classic meaning is that this is not the end of life, but a new way of life; a change. Both life and death are entwined.  The blue rose is another symbol of mysticism and represents the mystery beyond life waiting to be discovered.

Nine of Swords

The woman has just woken up from a bad dream and into a headache.  Sword points surround her and they have not yet stabbed her.  This card illustrates percieved danger or a warning, however it remains to be seen if the danger is real or imagined.

Two of Swords

I had some difficulty with this design.  Traditionally this card shows a blind-folded woman holding two swords crossed over her breasts.  In my design, a ghost of this sword-crossed woman is in the background.  The couple in the foreground are shaking hands as if to signal a truce, yet they hold swords behind their backs.  The meaning: stalemate.

Queen of Cups

This queen is compassionate, nurturing, and dramatic.  She is free to indulge in all of life's pleasures and is a true voluptuary; a woman whose chief interests are luxury and the gratification of her sensual appetites.  The garland of pink roses at her neck symbolize that she is friendly and loving, yet like the bubbles drifting up from her cup of wine, she can be emotionally fragile or vain.

Ace of Cups

A cup more than full, this cup is bursting with water or water is storming into it.  This card represents new relationships, over emotional situations, an unexpected offer, and the season of Summer.

Seven of Pentacles

Traditionally this card shows a gardener looking lovingly at his crops.  In my design I focused in on the crops themselves.  These pentacles have not yet fully matured, they are still in water and have yet to be firmly planted in soil.  Thus it represents progress and growth.

Four of Swords

Known as "Rest From Strife," the four of swords shows a figure lying in stately fashion in a church.  In my version, a youth rests comfortably on a small bed.  The swords are put safely away but they are close by in case anything should disturb the child's sleep.

The High Priestess

This Priestess looks like a nun draped in the finest blue linen, almost to the point where she could be a "Mary" figure.  She holds hidden knowledge and is the revealer of mysteries.  She is like the patron saint of higher education, keeper of secrets, and a teacher of women.

Ace of Pentacles

The woman with the Pentacle necklace is rich and elegant.  At her hand and breast she holds a promise of wealth and priveledge.  This Ace represents the beginning of Winter and new financial situations.

Queen of Swords

Simular to the fighting vixens of KILL BILL, this queen is active, ready to defend herself and country, out for revenge, and a cunning general in her own right.  She rules not with an iron fist, with intelligence, intrigue, and wit; she plays people against one another to further her own ends.  She is not a quitter, either.  If you encounter her in life, she could be a police woman or soldier.  If you have her on your side, be assured victory will come at all costs.  If she is against you, you have no where to hide!

I just wanted to add one more image before I head out to see Alexander tonight

Title or Back of The Valentina Tarot

Maybe it's a little blatant self promotion, but I wanted to have a kind of cheeky image for the back of the cards.  I used my favorite wine red colors. And, yes, it's a portrait of me. Or more of a cartoon of myself winking back at you!

Yesterday I was a Lowly Assistant Manager, Today I Became a Manager

I work at a book store that sells publisher's overstock and close out books.  I love my job and today I love it even more...

Lots of people are quitting from my store due to personal committments to other jobs or family; just in time for the holidays!!!  Hence I have not been online in some time and haven't talked to my out of town friends on the phone.  I did manage to create more Tarot cards (which I will post Thursday) and finally read half way through "Mary Queen of Scots and the Murder of Lord Darnley" by Alison Weir.  Yesterday the Manager came in late and smelling of alcohol.  Apparently he had had a rough night...  He turned to me and said, "Well, now, here's something that will throw a wench inbetween the wheels...  This may be my last week here."  Whenever anyone tells me something I really can't believe, I laughed and thought he was kidding.  And yet, why would he?  He moved here from Delaware and his girlfriend dumped him, so why stay here anymore?

I wasn't surprised when I got a call from my Field Supervisor asking me to become Manager of the store.  I happily took over; I was already filling in for other people anyway.  I am now playing with the prospect of becoming a Supervisor myself.  It would mean a lot of traveling around the country, moving from store to store, but as long as I get my expenses paid, I think I will volunteer; it would be nice to meet new people and see new places.  Now, if only I can get my anxiety under control!

Greg Calls and I fall into a Happy Sadness

My friend Greg called me a couple nights ago and it was good to hear from him.  I realized that I really miss his company more than I ever had to before.  It's not that he's so faraway, it's just he seemed so close by, I had to pinch my arm to remind myself that I am no longer living in Milwaukee.  I miss my other friends, too.  I wish I could have everyone in one place at one time forever and ever, amen!

It's hard to hug your friends by telephone.  I hope he heard the smile in my voice.

I create my King of Wands

After finishing the Knight of Pentacles, I drew another Tarot card to draw and picked a King of Wands.  I immediately saw Greg in the card and painted him holding a golden wand with a lion in the background.  It looks really great next to the Queen of Wands; funny because I based my Wands Queen on Brigitt Bardot whom Greg likes a lot anyway.  I can't wait to post it later this week.

Oliver Stone's Artistic License Has Expired

I went to see Alexander last Friday night and I almost demanded my money back.  I love historical fiction, but this movie really takes the piss.  I also love Colin Farrel and Angelina Jolie; about the only crowning glory for the film is seeing some of my favorite actors in ancient garb.  However, the material these actors had to work with sagged and you can see and hear them straining with the poor dialogue in their performance.  The story of Alexander the Great is a bloody one, full of battles, YET Oliver Stone decides to drag the audience into an ancient soap opera that is as exciting as watching water boil.  Each character praises Alexander's virtues and graces, yet Mr. Stone presents us with a seemingly weak willed, fanatical version of Alexander who is more obsessed with his love affairs for his mother and best friend.  The press made a big boo-hoo over Oliver Stone's choice to portray Alexander being bi-sexual and incestual because there is no contemporary historical evidence to prove that he was or wasn't.  Yet the real stink over this movie should have been over the poor writing and scenes seemingly stolen right out of Fellini's "Satyricon!"

I just finished wrapping presents for my nephews and now I find myself ankle deep in scotch tape and Spiderman Xmas paper.  I picked up my mess as much as I could but I've been so tired after hiring new help at my day job that I'm spent before I can get home...  I honestly do not know how I managed to find energy to shop in the first place.

One great thing about being an Aunt: gives me an excuse to buy toys again. 

My brother wanted me to buy the boys clothes but I'm not the type of Auntie who is going to give her nephews boring presents.  I got them Lord of the Rings action figures and books.  Shopping for my nephews with my brother wasn't all that fun, however. He talked me into buying the boys jeans, but being the way cool Auntie that I am, I wanted to buy them not just just any jeans, but way cool jeans with chains and skulls and stuff.  My brother wrinkled up his nose and called my gift selections "gay."  "I think it's way too early to start imposing sexual roles on the boys," I told him.  We argued for a few minutes and he almost made me change my mind, but then I decided to hell with it; I am going to buy only what I want to get for my nephews.  I know that they like chains and skulls and stuff; so there!  And when they grow up and want to dye their hair blue, they can come over to their Auntie Val's house, too.

It's Hard to Find Good Job Applicants

After going through dozens of applications, I've realized that the average person does not know how to fill out an application for employment.  Or how to sell themselves effectively.  Either that or I am a tougher manager than I imagine.  I am also surprised at how many people don't give very good references.  When interviewing strangers, I fall back on all the job interviews I've gone through in my own personal searches for jobs and I remember the great questions past employers asked me.  Those questions worked!  After interviewing four people, I could immediately pick up on those who wouldn't fulfill their duties well.  I'm not looking for geniuses, just good, loyal, and honest workers who can look me in the eye and smile.  The guys I interviewed this weekend were shifty-eyed and not very talkative.  It made me wonder if they had something to hide or if I was intimidating them.

I have an Assistant now

I hired a new guy, Jeremy, to help me run my store.  It's been hellish training him just before the holidays, but he has such a brillant attitude it's infectious.  I'm lucky to have him.  I am also beaming with pride at my choice of an assistant manager. He was the first guy I interviewed who could look me in the eye and smile.  Plus he knows the meaning of "integrity."  One of my test questions I give to applicants is "what is integrity?"  You'd laugh at the answers some people have given me.

I want to throw dictionaries at people!

The Snow is Knee Deep

I don't know how much snow my friends in Milwaukee got, but here in Stevens Point it has become knee deep.  I'm disappointed.  I was hoping to put off buying a new pair of boots for another week.  Now have to walk through the snow in my work shoes and that means wet socks.  At least my landlord finally turned up the heat and I'm really looking forward to going home to sleep.

Yay!  For those of you not in the know, I had to walk over frozen drifts of snow tonight to get to the university computer lab to scan my new watercolors.  Tonight is the only chance I'll get to update the Valentina Tarot.  Hope you like!

Knight of Pentacles

This knight carries his pentacle and behind him are the branches of a weeping willow tree.  He is honest, loyal, and hard working.  While I was painting this image, I was watching Doe Boy and James Duval's face left its impression on me.  For those of you who are Donnie Darko fans, James played Donnie's creepy rabbit friend, Frank.

The Wheel of Fortune

This was a hard card to reinterpret because how do you represent something as abstract as "the slings and arrows" of destiny?  I referred to the original Rider-Waite Wheel of Fortune card for inspiration.

King of Wands

Well, yeah, I based my Wands King on my friend, Greg Merkovich.  The King of Wands usually has a Lion image beside him, and as I concentrated on the card, I was reminded of a photograph I took of Greg standing beside a lion statue.  Greg does exhibit some of the qualities of the Wands King; ambition, enthusiasm, independence, and boldness of purpose.

The Star
 

This was lovely to paint.  I wanted to not totally escape from the traditional imagery of Rider-Waite Star card, but was bored with the image of a naked woman carrying water jugs.  I instead delved directly into the image of the woman who is the very essence of the stars pouring forth pockets of light in the night sky.  Even though she is not a human being, she takes the form of a woman and is a symbol of hope and blessings to come.

The Devil

Of course as soon as I think of "the Devil" I am left with an impression of the late great Anton LeVey.  I'm no Satanist, but I do admire the charisma this man had and the hold he had on people.  I see "the Devil" as a card that suggests a nice evil; the kind of evil that easily seduces you over to the Dark Side and holds you pleasantly captive. 

Three of Wands

This is a card of success that hasn't quite happened yet.  The figure here is not a person, but of a bronze statue overlooking an empty harbor.  The key to this image is; the ships haven't come in yet.

The Empress

My empress is of a classic queen-of-queens sitting in luxury upon a pillowed throne.  I was inspired after looking at a painting of the Empress Joséphine Bonaparte.  I copied her pose but when I was finished with this image, I saw my friend Jenn smiling coyly back at me!  I might have been thinking about her.  The Empress is very feminine, fertile, and motherly.  She is crowned by tweleve stars and holds a staff in the shape of the symbol of Venus which is also the symbol that represents women.  Reflecting upon this painting, it makes me laugh because it really reminds me of Jenn crowned by white Christmas tree lights!

Two of Cups

This winter I am homesick for friends I've left behind in Southeastern Wisconsin.  Earlier this month, a couple of them got married and I really thought of them when I was working on this image.  In popsicle purple velvet silhouette, Kassy and Steve embrace and a healing violet light illuminates them.  In the foreground are two glasses half full of pink wine.  This card represents new partnerships, harmony, and romance.

==================

Thanks for checking out more of my cards!  And Happy Holidays everyone!

Happy January Next, everybody!  I'm presently spending this new year with my nephews, Josh and Nick, and my brother, Mark.  So far we've stuffed ourselves with junk food (not exactly the best way to start a year I've planned to lose weight in), watched Harry Potter movies, and talked about the tragedy in South Asia (not an easy thing to explain to 6 and 8 year old boys).  As I type this, the New Year's countdown is commencing in New York broadcast on Fox News.  Bored with that, my brother takes a sip of Sprite and switches on an episode of South Park.  I want to write a lot right now but my thoughts are coming out faster than words can be typed from my fingers.

Unlike years previous, this year I'm celebrating the New Year without much debauchery.  I am enjoying being an aunt.  It's great because I don't have the responsibilities of a parent and I'm not old like a grandparent.  I'm just simply "Auntie Val" -- the person who dotes on her nephews and is such a push over she can barely refuse them anything.  When I lived back in Milwaukee I had less temptation to buy my nephews things.  Here in Point they are in my face always asking for things that I also think are cool.  My nephews and I share a love of fantasy movies and action figures and dragons and silver jewelery.  They both want me to get them "snakey" rings.  They like my silver snake ring and it's a ring I can't find in their size.  I would have to enlist the help of a jeweler for that and, by the time I'd have the money to do that, they'd probably lose interest.  Not to mention they'd probably lose the rings as soon as I'd give them to them.  During my holiday shopping this year I discovered that they don't make much jewelery for little boys.  Little girls can be indulged with glitter and frilly, feathery necklaces and stuff, but not much out there for the boys.  I managed to buy them some cool looking tin rings made to be toe rings that are small enough to fit on their fingers but, less than a day later, Nick has too much fun with his ring and breaks it.  Naturally he wants me to buy a ring exactly like the one he broke; a silver one with spikes that he called his "magic spikey ring that he can beat the bad guys with."  So far I haven't come across one like it.

Ulp, yep, the ball's about to fall.  My nephews have just rushed into the room and we watch the ball fall in New York.  We have an hour yet before it's 2005 here.  Nick is tugging my arm.  "You need to get off the computer, Auntie Val."  I guess he's right. 

Gods, I miss my friends in Milwaukee and Minneapolis.  I wish we were all in the same city.

Here's wishing you all, once and for all, always the best!

love,

Valentina XOXOX!!!!! 

P.S. (Say a prayer tonight for the families of South Asia who have lost their loved ones to the tsunami but, even better, send a donation to one of the organizations providing aid.  That is the other way I plan on starting the New Year).

Chariot

The traditional version of this card usually depicts a man driving two horses of opposite colors, one black and one white.  In my deck, one horses has a rider and the other is wild.  The meaning of the Chariot card deals with force, control, and "horsepower" -- the horses represent two kinds of power; disciplined power and uncontrollable force. 

Page(s) of Cups

I couldn't resist portraying my nephews, Nick and Josh, as the Pages of Cups.  The Page of Cups in the Tarot is a youthful admirer who brings news about a birth or a new relationship.  He is an affectionate dreamer associated with the arts and entertainment as well.  My nephews are very loving boys and are always quick to express their emotions.  Whenever they come to visit they are both constantly vying for attention.  Nick is at the top part of the image about to pour the water in his cup on his older brother Josh's head.  Whereas Josh has already spilled his cup and unable to stop laughing.  This is how I see my nephews and how I have interpreted the Page of Cups; a lovely jolly couple of boys.

Four of Pentacles

As money pours in, it is guarded.  The fairy in this image does not look friendly; he is jealously guarding the four flowers and will attack anyone who dares to cut them.  Generally this card means that an individual is being overly miserly or possessive.  The card urges the querent (person who is using the cards to answer a question) to let go.

Nine of Pentacles

This is a card of security and the culmination of material growth.  The woman and the hawk are confident, outfitted for a good hunt.  Usually when you draw this card in a reading it says that things are looking good and comfortable.

King of Swords

I must admit I was more than slightly influenced by actor Clive Owen after watching King Arthur.  Clive has got a rugged, down-to-earth sexiness reminescent of Michael Madsen (at least in my eyes). However, when I was painting this image I was not watching King Arthur or any other film with Clive Own or Michael Madsen in it, yet the image of a hard-nosed, seasoned, sexy Roman general came through as my King of Swords.  The Swords King is a natural leader, assertive, bold, authoritarian, and disciplined.  He plans things carefully and acts with pin point precision.  Even though is slow to start one, he rarely loses a fight.

Six of Pentacles

A hummingbird hungrily harvests nector from six flowers in full bloom.  This card represents the fair distribution of wealth and other comforts to those who need it most. 

Eight of Wands

This card means things are moving swiftly in one particular direction or travel is indicated.  The wands are in flight.  There is a raven in the distance flying over Lake Michigan.  Both the wands and raven are rapidly flying into different directions; the raven is heading home, the wands are blown over the water with an incoming storm.

King of Cups

Out of all the Kings I've so far illustrated, this King is jolly and fat.  His smiling face is tanned by sunny weather and swirls of wine hug his rosy, heart-shaped cheeks.  This King clearly enjoys life and doesn't mind showing everyone how good he feels.  Reflected in his little cup filled with rose wine is an unhappy mask of a woman's face; this indicates that sometimes the King of Cups is so busy impressing friends and chasing women that he forgets to be truly compassionate to those who really love him.  When asked to be anything more than superficial, he can become more stingy with his emotions.  While looking at his face, this King reminds me of Diego Rivera...

Four of Cups
 

The woman on this card is bored, contemplating what she should do with the rest of her life.  Several options, in the shape of empty cups, hover above her head.  One cup sits before her half full yet she remains disinterested.  This generally represents dissatisfaction with the status quo; the woman clearly wants something more in life, but doesn't quite know yet what more there is to life.

The Emperor

This Emperor is crowned by ram's horns, holds a golden globe and a scepter in his hands.  He is warmed by the sun and wears robes of the finest red velvet.  He represents government, male authority, control, and power.  Contrasting with the Empress, he stands in full light, warm and determined.  Sometimes when I look at this card I see him offering power instead of holding it.  The look in his eyes is gentle, yet piercing.

Ace of Swords

This card represents victory, a new idea, or an action that produced strong results.  The sword pierces the clouds and light shines from above.  This card also suggests courage, being able to act without hesitation towards a definite goal.

Okay, so I was bored these last couple of weeks.  Whenever I don't have anyone else to model for me, I have to use myself.  Yet this time it isn't art, it's just zany weird...!

I look at the above image and imagine myself as part of some surreal Terry Gilliam cartoon.  Almost looks like I'm coming out of somebody's ass OR I've been shrunk pocket-size and I'm peeking out, planning an escape...

This was the first image I did.  I sent it with a package to my friend Rachael who claims to be "THE Sexiest Bitch in Milwaukee" -- so I just had to one up her and proclaim myself "THE Sexiest Bitch in Stevens Point."  I got a double take from the post office guy who handled my mail!

This sticker image clearly illustrates my frustration with the weather here in Wisconsin.  Today it was much warmer, but the day I shot this it was snowing like mad and the blizzard prevented me from doing some much needed shopping.  I ended up ordering some very greasy fried rice from "Hibachi Joe's."

Anyone who knows me well knows I'm not all that wild and crazy, but if I were, I'd be leopard-printed and growling. 

Films I've enjoyed this winter (so far): 

"Harold and Kumar Go to Whitecastle"

Every now and then you gotta watch a good stupid movie and this one's probably one of the best lil' gems you'll come across this winter.  I rented it without any expectations and ended up giggling over scenes I'd watched the next day.  People were wondering at work what I was acting so damn silly over.  There's just little moments in this film that give a good smile.  I recommend it for those nights you're snowed in. 

"The Fifth Element" (new dvd special edition)

I've always liked this movie because of the outlandishness of Chris Tucker 's performance and Jean-Paul Gaultier's costume designs.  If anyone were to design the clothes I will wear in the 23rd century, it would be him. Hell, if I were making a movie, I'd want him to the costume designing, period.  This new dvd release is packed full of extra details and interviews.  I was hoping for deleted scenes, but no cigar.

"Without A Paddle"

I seem to be tripping on stupid movies this winter, but this one hit me in a special place in my heart.  Anyone who loves the Great Outdoors will be amused by the little in-jokes and stupid story of three guys on a treasure hunt.  It reminds me of the adventures I went on with my best friend, Andrew, on Beaver Island in the summer of 2002 (but we weren't as clueless as the guys in this film are).  I recommend the film for a good laugh, but it could have pushed the envelope a little more.  It would've been better if it were, like, a sequel to The Goonies or something... Hmmm... Can you imagine what a sequel to The Goonies would be like?

"BUBBA HO-TEP"

If you are a Bruce Campbell fan you owe it to yourself to buy this movie -- don't rent it or see in the theatre first, just go out and buy it.  It's so worth it.  I think it's by far Bruce's best performance yet -- he really does turn into Elvis. And it's about time I see him in a movie where he's in just some bit part, he's the lead, baby.

And last, but not least, there's been a rare sighting of a Grey Owl in these parts...
I had a dream about owls last night and, lo and behold, a Grey Owl sighted in Amherst makes the front page of the Stevens Point Journal today.  This photo was taken by Dr. Roy Dunlap (for full story just click onto these words).  One thing that's nice about living close to the country is that stories like this get full headline attention and it's refreshing to see a picture of a beautiful bird like this instead of Pres. George W. Bush.   That reminds me, I'm volunteering for a Snowshoe Owl Trek next month...  Tell ya more about it later.  We get Snowy Owls over in nearby Waupaca.  Lovely, lovely birds to see out hunting in the day.

I regard myself as a voluptuary (a person whose chief interests are luxury and the gratification of sensual appetites) and I think it's perfectly okay for me to be completely open about the fact that I like pornography -- when it's done right.  I've even done some nude photography of friends in the past, you know, tasteful artsey nude photos.  Today, on a whim, I did some porn shopping for myself today and I came back home dissappointed.  There really isn't any decent magazines out there for women who like looking at pics of beautiful nude men who actually look like they are enjoying being nude and being admired by women.  The latest photos in PLAYGIRL are kinda lame.  The guys look "fake" and too buff -- I have to laugh because I sound almost like a guy who prefers real tits over fake ones, but, it's true, I believe, that flesh is better than plastic.  Also the models don't look all that into it and, besides the guys, I blame the photographers.  When you're photographing anyone in the nude, you should set things up like a movie director would and give your subject some emotion to work with.  There's really only one pic I like in PG's February issue.  Previous years the PG February issue was fantastic, really highlighting on the elegance and decadance of Valentine's Day fantasies.  I mean, I occasionally like looking at sticky hard-core pornography, however I was really in a mood to just look at beautiful nude men.  Gay porn has lots of guys with hard ons, but I don't dig looking at guys blowing guys, if you know what I mean!  What this lack of good girl porn gives me is inspiration to draw, paint, and photograph beautiful nudes.  Gods know I've done some in the past and I wouldn't have given myself the mindsay.com name of "ValentinaXXX" for nothing, you know. 

It has been one of those odd days when odd little things happen within hours of each other, making me go "Hmmmm..." and "Ut-oh!" and "Oooh-La-La!" 

1. I saw a skinless rotting head of a bull sitting in a redneck's pick-up truck and nearly lost my lunch.
2. The phone died at work and I had to buy a new phone to replace the old one only for me to come back and discover that the old phone does work, it's just the connection that was off.  I report this to my superiors and they still have me keep the new phone anyway.
3. A few minutes later, after I come back to work from the bank, I discover that the bank teller accidentally gave me an extra $50 in singles.
4. I can't escape from people I used to have sex with.  There was this cute guy who came into work today whom I was admiring from behind...  He wore brown suede and shiny black heeled boots and he had hair and features that rival Johnny Depp's!  When he turned around, he called my name and smiled.  He wasn't an old boyfriend of mine, he was a guy I had a string of one night stands with back in 1992!  You can imagine how deeply I blushed...

It's this last bit that has me thinking today.  One of the problems with moving back to Stevens Point is that every now and then I run into people I used to sleep with.  Not everybody I've danced under the sheets with was great, yet some have aged far better than I and it's a little embarassing in that way than the embarassment one would feel running into an old flame just because they are an old flame.  The above mentioned hottie got hotter over the years, whereas I've gotten fat and have trouble fitting into (or can't fit into at all) the lingerie and tight leather pants I used to wear.  Not to mention I rarely if ever wear uncomfortable six-inch heels anymore.  Not that the afore-mentioned hottie cared about that!  He still gave me his phone number and even asked for mine.  Touching. 

There is one thing people in this college town people remember me for: my comic strip "Dave Davis."  Not because it was the best comic strip, but that my comic strip addressed sexual and religious issues.  The hottie who left me his phone number mentioned that and didn't mention the sex we used to have.  Perhaps he was just being polite and he asked me if I was still drawing.  Hell, I'm always drawing!  I have the crooked fingers and carpal tunnel syndrome to prove it.  I blushed because not only did this hottie grow up to be so hot, so hot that I could only remember him in bed, but because that was ALL I could think about while talking to him.  As we got to talking, I noticed that he was buying a large stack of books on Gay and Bi-Sexual issues.  Figures.  He bats for the other team.

Even though I won't ever sleep with him again, he gave me a little breath of fresh air.  I took a deep breath and sighed.  IT doesn't matter whether the man is gay or straight, black or white or purple, some of them are just so damn beautiful and I thank all the Gods in Heaven and on Earth for giving them life!  And for giving me eyes to notice their beauty.  Blessed Be.     

What's not to love about a Pooka who says "Hiya?" and is called "Peek-a-Pooka-Doo!"  While drawing this Pooka, I reminded myself of the little girl I used to be; the little girl who loved to draw horses and unicorns.

I've been playing with ancient images of faces and putting a contemporary spin on them.  This design was inspired by a gold leaf fragment from the late 5th century.

After reading "Mary Queen of Scots & the Murder of Lord Darnley" by Alison Weir, I sketched this pic of Mary Stuart based on how I saw her in my imagination and, possibly, past life memories (?) you never know...  This sketch reminds me a little bit of the style of Hans Holbein the Younger's famous portraits of 16th century royal persons.

Speaking of historical figures, I watched and A&E production of "Napoleon" a couple months ago and it renewed my interest in the Napoleonic Era.  I like drawing cartoons of Napoleon.  There's something about this guy that captures my whimsical spirit.  I blame it on watching "Time Bandits" too often when I was a child.

   Just in time for "Valentina's Day" (yes, that's right, it's going to be VALENTINA's Day not just Valentine's Day, folks, time for me to celebrate my love for myself and all Valentinas everywhere) I've turned myself into stickers again.  This time I was pretty darn satisified with the results.  See for yourself...

   This was my first try at turning myself into a quasi-sentimental typical Valentine's Day card, but I think I look a litte ridiculous.  I have a passion for red roses, tho, so whatever!  Why do I do this again? 

    I should be wearing a mullet for this sticker.  I look like a bossy white trash woman yelling at her kids...  What can I say?  I was bored so all there was left for me to do was play with my image.  Uh, yeah, and you thought I was just about to say I play with myself when I'm bored!  Tossers.

  Kind of a throw back to the days of that annoying "Whassup?!" commercial, I look like I'm being assaulted by question marks.

"You gone too far this time

But I'm dancing on the valentine

I tell you somebody's fooling around --

With my chances on the dangerline..."

-- Duran Duran "The Reflex" 1983

I was going to wait until V Day to display my latest Tarot cards, but decided, what the heck!  Here they are.  Take a gander.  It took a long while to post these due to a crappy scanner last night.  I will later give more fuller descriptions later on this week.  What's to come next: The Tower, The Heirophant, Eight of Pentacles, and Six of Cups!

Nine of Cups

Ten of Cups

Five of Cups

Justice

Two of Wands

Ten of Pentacles

Temperance

Six of Swords

Knight of Swords

The Magician

Four of Wands

Eight of Cups

Real big time love.  It grows.  You can write poems about it but it will still elude you.  The only way to know it is to feel it and, if it's simply not there, there's no way to be it.  It's been hard for me to love other people.  It's been far too easy to cling to others in vain hopes that they will love me back as much as I imagine I love them.  It's been easy to obsess and talk -- as if every letter in every word I say would conjure up a lover out of men who only just wanted a simple fuck or blow job out of me.  It's been too easy to care more about myself.  I have only myself to really look out for me and care about my needs and I am the only one who can meet them.  I do love myself, you know.  I think we all deserve someone who loves you just as much.  And I quote RuPaul: "If you can't love yourself, baby, how's anybody gonna love you back?"  Of course loving yourself can get out of hand.  Whitney says: "The greatest love of all is easy to achieve..."  Well, that depends on what kind of love you're talking about, I suppose.  I don't agree with Whitney or any old pop song I've heard today.  Loving yourself is just as hard as learning to love someone else.  Real big love has to grow, it has to be nurtured.  I tell myself that I have to stop looking at my body in a negative way.  I have to stop blaming myself for every failed relationship.  Have to stop feeling ashamed every time my romantic sentiments go unrequited.  Have to stop blaming me for the way I look and feel.  I need to lose weight not just to attract a mate, I have to do it to be healthy.  And I have to stop chasing dreams of love and start living love, real big love, right here and now.  I am single.  I am beautiful.  Hear me whisper, and sigh, and roar.  I am hugging my passion right now.  I am touching those soft, warm, breathing things inbetween the legs and they feel like I've cupped two velvet hearts in my hands.  I kiss them with a wish and treat myself to a nice seafood dinner.  I am all over myself.  That's what it is to be Valentina on V-Day -- in love with me.

Tell me...  When was the last time you made love to yourself?

Just taking a quick break from work.  It's absolutely gorgeous out with the sun screaming into my eyes and all that.  The job at the bookstore is coming to a close and I've had to get myself a few bookshelves to make room for all the books I bought with my discount.  I sent a few books to friends over the winter.  I would've sent more but that would have been too much.  What can I say?  I like to share the wealth.  I hate endings and loathe beginnings.  I've been looking for a new job.  Went to another local book store looking for help and for some reason the manager there is giving me the cold shoulder.  Perhaps I'm being too pushy with him.    Highlights of the weekend so far:  I bought a new comforter for only $10 and a couple of Turkish style pillows for only a couple of dollars.  I have new decor in my apartment and paid way less than $30 for it all.  Also, I finally watched the director's cut of Donnie Darko. The extras on the Donnie Darko director's cut were disturbing; especially the "no. 1 Donnie Darko fan's Darkomentary."  Some people take their fandom a little too far...  On another side note:  I think a movie about "Grandma Death" would be very interesting.

  Okay, so I get this "dorky survey" from my old college pal, Rev. Jim, and decided to delight (or horrify) you all by answering it.  I must admit, yes, I did participate in chain letters in high school and passed notes during class and answering this silly survey really does remind me of those childish times.  To coincide with this survey, I took an especially silly picture of myself.  I'm not Irish, but wish I was.  So kiss me anyway! 

1. What time did you get up this morning?

"My alarm went off sometime around 6:30 am but I kept hitting snooze until 7:30 am which is typical of me because I hate waking up so damn early.  If I didn't need the money, I'd sleep until 11.  Yeah, I'm lazy like that." 

2. Diamonds or pearls? 

Hmmm...  Whatever does this question mean?  Would I rather wear diamonds or pearls, maybe?  Neither.  I wear silver jewelery mostly.  However, since I am asked to choose.  I'd probably pick diamonds, but rough cut, not all polished up.  I like gems in their natural state. 

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? 

Oh, brother.  It was "Constantine" starring Mr. Keanu Reeves (who definitely was no where near my choice to be the man to play Mr. John Constantine).  I'm a HUGE fan of the original comic "HELLBLAZER" and had the biggest crush on the character John Constantine.  Yes, Hollywood has a way of fucking up good comics and since Constantine isn't your typical comic book hero (he's more of a bastard, really) I think your typical movie producer didn't know what to do with him and there are going to be MANY Constantine fans who will walk away from the flick disappointed.  However, I was strangely pleased with Mr. Reeves' performance.  I actually believe he may have studied the books and may be a fan of Constantine himself.  Yet it was still hard for me to envision Constantine as an American.  In the books he was English and most of the stories took place in the late eighties.  The producers also chose to forego any pentagrams or pentacles or seals of Solomon and Constantine actually has some sort of fancy "Occultish-looking-yet-tame-enough-not-to-scare-Christains" tattoos on his forearms.  The "real" Constantine didn't play things like that.  It was also hard to imagine Constantine running around L.A. instead of London hanging out with a 19 year old Chas Adams than the 40 year old cabbie Chas who was his buddy in the punk rock band "The Mucus Membranes."  What I did enjoy about the movie was that it made me nostalgic for the comic books, so when I went home and immediately began to read my old Hellblazers! 

5. What did you have for breakfast?

Peppermint Ginseng tea and a slice of bread. 

6. What is your favorite food?

I must admit that I love rice, potatoes, and seafood.  I especially like Salmon. 

7. What foods do you dislike?  

Arichokes, onions, squash, and beans.  Why?  Allergies.

8. What is your favorite CD at the moment?

Well....  I just bought Tori Amos' new album, The Beekeeper.  Very, very nice "garden" concept.  I got the limited edition with the special dvd interview and packet of seeds.  I plan on giving the seeds to the first friend of mine who has a garden.  I'm a lead thumb -- need somebody else to nurture the flowers.

9. What kind of car do your drive?

Due to a disability, I do not drive.  Some people think I don't drive because I don't want to.  This is not true.  I have Panic Disorder and I'm not ashamed to admit it.  This means I am prone to moderate to severe attacks of panic.  If I panic behind the wheel, I freeze and get into an accident.  I avoid accidents by taking the bus.  I hope someday, with the right kind of therapy, maybe I will finally be able to safely drive and have the independence I crave!

10. Favorite sandwich?

Turkey on rye with pesto mayo and cucumbers.

11. What characteristics do you despise? 

Bigotry.

12. Favorite item of clothing?

Ponchos and sarongs -- anything free-flowing, imported, and luxurious.  I especially like wearing purple, red, and black -- but not all together.

13. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would go?

I'd take a walk or go horseback riding in Ireland.  Or I'd visit Beaver Island, Michigan.

14. Ever unwrapped a starburst with your tongue? 

Sounds like I'm making it up, but, yes I've done it and I can tie a knot in a cherry stem with my tongue.  I've also removed cloves from a lemon utilizing my lips and tongue.  It's an SCA thing... 'cept I don't do all that Renassiance stuff anymore.  Too much partying.

16. What did you do yesterday?

Packed up my office supplies, boxed up books, visited a porn store, went to Taco Bell, and painted more Tarot cards!!!

17.  Last time you cried?

It's gonna sound ridiculous, but I cried like a baby after watching "House of Sand and Fog."  I'm a sucker for tragedies. 

18. Is your house clean?

Not at the moment.  But, then again, I'm not expecting any guests.

19. Favorite time of year?

Autumn -- right after the first frost.

20. What color is your bathroom?

White with orange and brown tiles (throwbacks from the 70's).  I didn't decorate it.  I share a bathroom with other people.  I live in a big mansion that was turned into a boarding house in the early 70's.  Yes, so there's this eccentric mix of nineteenth century decor and mid 70's earth tones. 

21. Where would you retire to? 

Anywhere but Stevens Point, Wisconsin!  I'm not sure, really, where I want to go.  I guess it depends upon wherever home ends up being.

22. Favorite time of day?

Late at night when I feel like I have the whole world to myself.

23. What did you do on your last birthday? 

In order to give other people the day off on their birthdays, I worked during mine.  I was born on December 30th, so most of my friends and family are broke after the holidays and/or gearing up for New Year's.  Even when I was little it rarely got celebrated or noticed.  I'm used to that now. 

24. Favorite sport? 

Mocking people! 

25. What fabric detergent do you use? 

I use non-allergic detergents, liquid ones because the powdered soap constricts my breathing.  I also use lavender water to soften and scent my linens.  

26. Coke or Pepsi?

None.  I've been trying to cut back.  Seriously.  I used to drink colas way too much and now I've got Acid Reflux to pay the price.  I try to drink more water now.

27. Are you a morning person or night owl?

Night Owl, definitely.

28. Do you have any pets?

None that are alive right now.  I have two stuffed owls that I hug at night.  And not real stuffed owls, mind you, just the plush animal kind!

29. Any new & exciting news you'd like to share with your family and friends? 

I was recently diagnosed with Agoraphobia.  It's not as bad as it sounds and I don't plan on spending the rest of my life indoors because of it.  I'm going to beat it!  I still go outside but I tend to stick to places I'm most familiar with.  I tend to have panic attacks when I'm about to leave the house, however.  I've been coping by slowly pushing myself to get up earlier in the day and giving myself more time to leave than just rushing off to get through the day.  My doctor says this disorder was brought on after the trauma I experienced last year when my father and I were held at gun point and robbed for only $7 (it was all we had on us during the robbery and we were lucky we weren't shot).  In time this can be cured, but I want my old friends to know this because I'm having difficulty going back to Milwaukee, even if just to visit.  It is going to be awhile before I feel "safe" enough to go somewhere on my own again.  I have been told that a service dog might be the answer in helping me with this problem.  I don't know, we'll see.  If I ever get a service dog, it would have to be an Irish Wolfhound -- that's the only breed of dog I've ever connected with.  My Uncle Orly used to have one and that dog was there for me during bad thunder storms or whenever I would cry in my sleep...

30. What book are you reading? 

Middlesex: A Novel by Jeffrey Eugenides

31. Where are your second homes?  

Milwaukee.

32 Favorite flower? 

Long stem red roses.

33.  Who do you miss most?

I miss all my old friends, but I have to say especially my best friend, Drew.  He's the one guy who not only comforts me, but challenges me to be a better person, even if I don't agree with him all the time.  He's also the guy who gets me out more often, dares me to be different and to stand up for myself.  The other friends I miss the most are Jen and Damien because we can talk, and talk, and talk, and talk til the sun comes up!  Oh, and there's Greg, too, he's my best movie buddy.  I miss critiquing flicks with him and thinking up new photography projects.  But I'm never really without my best pals.  I take you guys with me wherever I go.

34.  Last place you visited.  

Wausau, WI. 

37. What are you listening to right now?  

My own thoughts.

38. Favorite thing to do on weekends?

Paint, draw, listen to a good audio book, or rent a movie.

What you can look forward to if you visit my blog tomorrow night:

I've just finished painting four more Tarot cards.  Expect to see The Tower, The Heirophant, Eight of Pentacles, and Six of Cups here.  That's it for now!

I'm a romantic kisser... "you're in love and so is
your lover! You just can't get your eyes from
each other! "  Is this a load of fun or bull or what?

What anime kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

As if there were any doubt!

~V

The Towers

The first card I got done painting last week was The Tower(s).  I emphasize the plural "towers" because it depicts much of the aftermath of 9/11.  It took me longer than usual to finish it because it's a card that deals with sudden liberation, destruction, and breakthrough.  I wanted to show a scene that displayed hope out of chaos, comfort during a time when the whole world seems about to end -- the tower has fallen but people still stand.  I meditated on images of tragedies that have taken place in the last five years.  I could've chosen any image from any other time in recent history, but I kept coming back to the scenes of 9/11 -- an obvious related theme to the original Rider-Waite Tarot of a tower struck by lightning with people falling to their deaths.  Most people who draw this card in a reading are freaked out by this image.  Just like today if you come across yet another image from 9/11 -- over and over again the image of the World Trade Center falling is played -- I can't even count how many times I've seen the WTC fall now, it's not hard to get angry about it and wish it had never happened.  I didn't want to paint an image that would perpetuate this sense of morbidity over the 9/11 tragedy.  I didn't even like it when, just hours after the WTC fell, people were making T-shirts as if to say "I survived 9/11 and all I have to show for it is this stupid T-shirt." I don't want to make light of this event at all, it is still too fresh in my mind.  I wasn't there but I had two friends who were in NYC at the time of the fall.  I can't ignore that this happened and this image shows how I still feel about it.  The best thing I can think of that came out of the tragedy was this bursting out of hearts all over the nation.  Ignoring the anger, the senseless urge for revenege, and blind patriotism that bordered on facism, when something like 9/11 happens it gives the average person the sacred duty to reconnect with loved ones.  That is what I am trying to say with my version of The Tower.  

Compare The Towers of the Valentina Tarot with The Tower in the Tarot of Marseille

& The Tower in the Rider-Waite Universal Tarot : 

I'm very interested to hear what anyone who has a mind has to say about this.  I was reluctant to depict a recent tragedy in history and almost did an image that was less controversal and more generic, but decided to take a shot and go with my heart.  What do you think?

The Heirophant

I'm not Catholic, but the traditional version of this card usually depicts a priest or pope.  The card is about finding the meaning, the direction of your life.  It deals with spiritual traditions and ideals and the risk of hypocrisy.  On the positive side this card is about having faith in something or someone else.  On the down side it's the crushing of the ego and submitting to a false prophet.  This card clearly, to me, has another side to it and that's The Devil.  I will compare this card to the image I have already chosen to represent The Devil card.  Putting the two of them side-by-side is like seeing both sides of the coin...

Astute viewers will recognize that both cards represent the same man -- he could be Anton Szandor LaVey or he could be Osama bin Laden or any other man who has great influence, for good or ill, over a lot of people.  The difference between The Devil and The Heirophant, however, is that one works to oppress the masses and the other works to save them.  But who is really good and which one is truly evil?  What if both archetypes are striving to achieve the same goal and it is only the way we percieve them that really makes the difference after all?  You decide.

Eight of Pentacles

I am really pleased with this image.  I believe spiders to be very resourceful and this is why I chose one to represent the Eight of Pentacles.  The web is the spiders' best handiwork and this night it has brought her a eight bundles of food.  This card deals with apprenticeship and progress -- the harder you work, the better and quicker you achieve your goals.

Six of Cups

The Six of Cups usually deals with children and nostalgia.  Here I ripped a scene right out of my dreams.  In the early 90's, I dreamt of a man who could shapeshift into a pink dolphin.  This man (whom I called "Dolphin" as if you couldn't guess) would dare me to swim out into the ocean and, if I could keep up with him, he'd take me to magical places.  Those were wonderful dreams!  I was 19 at the time and I loved my dream world so much I kept daily records of my noctural adventures with Dolphin.  Ten years later I finally met someone who looked so much like Dolphin that I had a TERRIBLE panic attack when I first laid eyes on him -- my best friend, Andrew.  I didn't tell him about the Dolphin dreams until several years later and he told me that he used to own a rose quartz dolphin when he was a kid.  Coincidence?  Maybe.  But I believe it's best to believe in the magic.  When I showed this image to Andrew and told him that I could clearly see his smile on the pink dolphin's face, he said he really couldn't see himself in the dolphin but told me he'd take my word for it.  Anyway, the image is meant to show innocence and laughter.  Hope I did a good job.

====================

Thank you for viewing my latest Tarot creations.  Come back later tomorrow to see what other projects I've been working on!!!

~V

 Even though I am away and he's got someone else to hold him at night, I wish I could've stayed stronger in his heart and not have landed somewhere in just the middle part of his pants.  I'm awash with memories and the little regrets -- the wee wishes I made under the covers in the dark where last I danced my fingers over him.  I swore that last time wouldn't be the last time.  I swore that I would get back somehow, but I couldn't.  I sigh out that last trinkle of a tear and smear it on my sleeve.  I don't want to, but, again, I smell his body, hear his breath, feel him turn over, and see him all wrapped up in a blanket with his dark curls running over the pillow.  I liked how his voice sounded, too, deep yet shallow, like vanilla dusted with sugar.  I look back at him now and my fingers warm over the keyboard like they did when I held him at that secret part of him he likes to have held best.  I dreamt him with another woman.  I feel her there now and can't hide her out of my view.  I think I only got too close to this man's heart to sense that I'm not the woman for him. In my dream he held up a little girl to me.  She had long brown hair like mine and big bright brown eyes but she was not my little girl.  The little girl laughed like music -- like ringing -- she was singing her joy to me and running all around like little girls do when exploring.  He caught her in his arms and held her up to me.  "This is my daughter," he said and this warmth spread over me that could not equal the joy I once felt when I held him.  I actually see him far happier than he ever was with me.  See?  There was the difference...  I had held him.  He didn't hold me.  Some women are only meant to be the dent in the pillow, other women become the mothers, the wives, the ones who make you breakfast as well as they made love to you last night. And there are just some lovers who aren't meant to be mine.  Not even in my dreams.  And I wonder when will be my time?  When will someone love me enough to make me their wife?  Will I ever know what it's like to be more than just a dent in his pillow?

~V

 I work every weekend at an old "head shop" called Vagabond Imports here in Stevens Point and, for several years,(with a four year gap in between when I moved to Milwaukee in 2001 and then moved back to Point -- another long story -- last fall) I've been responsible for designing some fun window and wall displays.  What's a "head shop?" you may wonder...  It's a place where hippies would once go to buy incense, groovy imported clothing, and bongos.  There's not as many head shops in existence as there were in the '60s and '70s, and for some reason this one has remained open for several decades.  It's probably due to the influx of university students, many of them CNR (College of Natural Resources) majors, and the great amount of old school hippies who live out in the boonies busy with their herb gardens and supporting the Green Party.  Below you will find little buttons that will take you on a magical mystery tour of displays I created and items that I sell in the store.  And, if you're in town, come in for a visit.  You will find things here that will make your room or your body look, feel, and stink pretty!

Strange Things Happenin' Mama...

I took a break from my watercolors this week to experiment with a disposable digital camera.  It snowed on the days I had planned to go out into the woods and I was too lazy to walk over to St. Peter's Cemetary, so I stayed inside the store I work at (my job is like my second home) and took a few more photos of myself.  I'll give ya a break down on each image so you know what's going on and maybe you'll wonder even more about myself than I do.  What am I trying to convey with these images?  I believe myself to constantly re-think my own image -- trying to say something more than just what words or my face alone can express...

First, I have to go back to October 31, 1998.  I had deep vampire red hair and wore a lot more make-up than I do now.  I think I just got tired of fussing so much over how I looked at work.  In this picture I am "tea-bagged" by a fish mobile from Bali.  In the background are rows of jewelery.  The scene at my hippie head store job hasn't changed much and I haven't changed all that much either. 

The freaky images above are not crime lab photos of myself.  I took a picture of my reflection in a tin mirror from Mexico.  I am holding a peacock feather over my forehead and my eyes are closed to avoid the glare of the flash.  I then scanned in the photo and played with my image in photoshop.  If I had more money and a small army of models, I would make more photos like this one and age them.  I'm a big fan of antique photography and I have a somewhat small collection of tintypes.  I'd like to do a modern retrospective-type photo project where I take people from this century and make them seem like they are all alive and well in, say, 1900 or whatever.

Is that 18th century lady really looking back at you or is she part of a poster?  From an odd angle I tried to make this photo look like I went back in time to snap a picture of someone who possibly lived in, say, 1789...

But if you look at this next picture, you'll see that it is, indeed, just one of those turn-of-the-last-century's poster girls for Job cigarette papers.  Still, I have always found this painting to be photo realistic.  It hangs in the backroom of my boss's office and I've tried many times to talk him into letting me buy it from him, but he refuses.  It's a rare print.

Help!  I'm drowning in a sea of shells!  Actually, it's just my hand playing with a mobile made out of shells.  When you bump into the shells, they make beautiful music.  With the flash of a camera, the light catches the shells and makes everything around them seem dark. 

Just one of the many masks from Bali hanging around the store.  This mask is made out of bone and, hanging next to a red silk robe, it seems to be the mask that represents "comedy."  Now all is missing is the mask to represent "tragedy."  Maybe it's good that tragedy is missing.  Considering my last blog entry, this should show that I'm never down for long.  Yet I must admit that when I hit a low, I really hit a low.  Like taking a big dive -- I gotta come back up for air some time... and laugh.

~V

Two of Pentacles

Finances held in balance, this lady juggles her coins while still somehow maintaining her elegance.  This card tells you that you should watch your pennies, balance your budget, and "don't count your chickens before they hatch..."

Five of Pentacles

The Five of Pentacles is all about temporary poverty.  The land is no longer green and growing.  The trees are covered with snow.  The whole world seems dead and silent and cold.

The Knight of Wands

My Wands Knight is Jack Kerouac.  With this image I tried to recreate a sort of dirty, coffee-stained portrait of a restless man.  Jack just appeared in front of me.  He first ghosted his way toward me in the eyes hovering in the left corner.  But then those eyes of his turned away, lost in thought, and then there he was: Jack.  His wand is resting lightly on his shoulder and is almost out of view with the rest of him obscured by an old-fashioned street lamp post.  The Knight of Wands is a fast mover, he's on the road, his thoughts and words are fragmented, he's only here for the moment, and then he's real gone, baby.

What you can expect next week (or maybe later on this week if I feel like it):

I've got the Nine of Wands, Eight of Swords, and The Fool on the way.  I'm also seriously searching now for a possible publisher.  Anyone out there got any suggestions as to who should publish The Valentina Tarot?

~V

It took me alone to do it. I am slowly becoming a woman.  But She isn't who you think she is.  She's someone closer to being true than the girl I thought I could be for you.  I can feel her squirming and screaming.  She's rising from the fire.  She's the witch that can't be burnt.  SHE WANTS OUT!  

I've been too much worrying about what I look like in order to be loved.  I want someone to love me no matter if I'm fat or not but it's hard to compete with all the T&A out there that turns the boys on.  I look at a beautiful woman in a magazine and, not only do I want to be her, but I realize that I am not her and never will be her and even if I did get the surgery to make me that plastic perfect, I'd still be little unconfident me.  I fear never being good enough for anyone and I sure do give myself plenty of experiences to remind myself of that.  I have to start loving me the way I want to be loved.  And I have to start crossing paths with those who want to be with the sort of woman I know I am inside, I just have to let her out. 

I love penises, you know, absolutely LOVE the penis.  I've never been afraid of it!  I just don't like the way men push them on me.  If I'm celibate everyone tries to convince me that I'm denying my sexuality and when I am sexual everyone tells me not to feel anything, to just lie back and be "a good girl" and gently let myself get screwed over.  I want the freedom to express love with sex and I don't want to sacrifice myself anymore.  For once I want someone to give me head instead of waiting for the orgasm that never comes until "he" comes first.    

I am going celibate again.  Maybe not for long.  Too much pressure to give myself over and over again only to be given up once a better looking or younger woman enters the scene.  I like pornography but don't want it used as an aphrodiasiaic.  I want someone to "get in the mood" as soon as they see me with or without my clothes.  Besides, I've got bigger issues to deal with.  Yet still I am no closer to understanding men.  Or love and sex.  Or other women and why we do what's we do to get some.  Or why it is I can't be a whore without feeling somehow degraded.  Or why it is I was once hooked by matrimonal strings only to feel like I was in chains.  Or why when I was raped at age eighteen I did everything I could to deny it.  Or why those neighborhood boys laid me out on a picnic table when I was five and convinced me to pull up my dress for them.  I'm still trying to figure out what it is to be a woman.  What it is to be a whole lotta person.  I've got too many people out there trying to define me, trying to tell me what I should do, who I should be. 

I am tired and sore and swollen over the many times men cheated on their girlfriends with me.  I can no longer be the one they turn to to fulfill their sexual needs.  It's best I encourage them to talk to their own hands.  I have needs of my own.  I have my own hands.  I'm making birds in my pants and sleeping with butterflies.  I'm no longer taking the excuses I give myself.  No longer standing innocently by whenever I don't get to come.  A man should keep the promises he brings with his fingers.  I should be rewarded for the pleasure I bring.  I'm no longer dumped.  I am re-vamped.  I've swallowed and I'm not coming back for more until somebody starts sucking on me. 

I can't make myself unemotionally attached to someone I've sucked on and swallowed.  Their juice becomes a part of me.  Even though I don't know who they are as much as they don't know who I am, there is a chemical reaction that goes on, makes me spring, and laugh, and cry.  I've tried many times and just don't have the heartlessness to do it without passion.  I abhore casual sex.  I've lied to my partners.  I've given them what they wanted in hopes they were gonna give me what I wanted.  Always have.  Yet to please the Man of the Night, I let go of myself and never really can relax.  It's because I'm too stretched thin over not enough love and attention.  Maybe I didn't feel comfortable enough in my own naked skin in the first place.  Or maybe it was I just loved too much too fast that it seemed only like just another sexual experience for Him.  Yeah, someone to write dirty notes about.

What I want is a husband.  No, scratch that.  I WANT A COMPANION.  No matter how much head I give, the kind of boys I've chased ain't gonna give me that kind of relationship.  So it's best that I be stronger than I was before and give in to my true desires and be a little kinder to myself. 

I'm not angry.  I'm not blaming any man for not giving me what I want.  I'm starting to realize it's me who hasn't given me what I really want.  I know they all love me out there somehow in their own selfish little ways, but that kind of love isn't what I need.  In my mind I am every porn star, every fantasic whim, every wet dream gracing your sheets, yet I want you to be happy as much as I want to be happy.  I have had more than my fair share of fantasies but I can't entertain those fantasies on just anyone.  Why spoil it for the someone who will last longer, be fuller, and love me uncut?   Yes, I want the Director's cut, baby, the fully intended widescreen Daddy on my scene, not the full screen edition with just a trailer advertised as the special feature.  I don't want the tease.  I want the real thing.  

I sincerely believe that I'm worth more than just a couple of one night stands.

And I'm in the midst of a terrible transformation.  I'm like a volcano.  I'm the Earth shaking.  These tears are paving the way to freedom.  Hell, I've been cigarette free for six months now!  Haven't touched a goddamn bit of nicotine while all in the midst of this change.  Can you believe that?  A cigarette used to be the first thing I reached for.  Now that I've gotten most of the way through to healthy again, I can now start shedding pounds and losing all the weight and pain giving myself up brought me.

I'm only going to get better.  You'll see.

  Like the picture you see here, I've had to just curl up and rest after a rough week...  Not so rough that I could die, but painful enough to make me feel like I was about to die!  Not to mention absolutely exhausting.

My doctor gave me the wrong dose of Paxil, so my emotions have been crazy, my sleeping patterns off, and I've been severely nauseous -- to the point where I felt like I was experiencing morning sickness but without all the vomit and being pregnant (if ya know what I mean).  I look back on the words I've written here and realize that the wonderful and heart-breaking cartharsis I've been experiencing has partially been because I was off my meds!  And I thought it was just because a relationship was ending.  Now that reason has flooded into me, the relationship-ending-thing feels more like the loss of a favorite pillow -- I pine for him but not like I would if he were dead.  A nurse told me, "Realize that it's not due to your disorders, Val, but withdrawal from the drug talking."  She and my doctor assure me that I will be much better in a week! 

Yet I can't help but feel like a bit of a junkie.  Prone to emotional outbursts that would hit me whenever I become anxious in public, I've done my best to avoid people as much as possible this week.  I had several bouts of weeping on the bus and when I was last in the local university computer lab and when that happens in public, people around you tend to fuss over you and that makes things so much worse because no one really can help.  The only thing that does help is getting away from everyone and losing myself in sleep.  Hence it's been awhile since I've updated my blog entries here and checking my email.  In fact, I'm too anxious right now to peek at my emails -- afraid that something I may have written might come back to haunt me!

Things are calming down, now.  I'm back on an increased dose of Paxil and I'm sleeping more to boot.  I managed to call a few friends to apologize for any strange emotional things I may have said.  Most, especially those who have known me for several years, weren't surprised or bothered at all.  Andrew, my best friend, just raised maybe an eyebrow at my behavior and said, "it's just stress, Val."  Again, I do feel obligated to apologize.  It's like my heart farted and left a big stink in the air.  I couldn't help it, but can't you see how that would iritate you if you happened to be standing next to me in a subway? 

And, with that said, I might as well talk frankly (and possibly courageously) about the condition I have which put me on Paxil to begin with.  (I write this not to babble about my disorders like some old slag, but to just let my friends know I'm not crazy and to let other people out there know that they're not alone if they suffer from the same things I do).

I have a type of depression called Dysthymia -- it's not a pretty kind of depression because it comes on like a "bad mood" that doesn't easily leave.  It's not as severe as manic depression and it doesn't mean I'm always in a mood, but when I am in one, everyone around me will know it because I'm either extremely irritable or I can't stop weeping.  Coupled with Borderline Personality Disorder and Panic Disorder, and, most recently diagnosed with a case of Agoraphobia, having a normal social life can be challenging...

Most people don't understand why it's so difficult for me to go out the door without getting hit by an anxiety attack (I usually start choking or feel queasy just before I head out the door)  or why I can't drive and so I don't seem to be a lot of fun to hang out with unless it's an indoor activity like watching a movie or reading Tarot cards in a place that is familiar to me.  Sometimes I can lose my temper in a lightning flash of imagined rage against someone, anyone, who I think might be working against me or talking behind my back.  Now when I get those feelings of anger, I tend to withdraw or collapse into myself, waiting for the intensity of the feelings to pass like a bad headache.  Another symptom of my disorder(s) is I tend to idealise and/or idolise some people in my life to the point of obsession, making it difficult for me to discypher what "true love" is as opposed to just occasionally fancying someone.  To this day I still don't "get" relationships or why it seems like other people have an easier time falling in and out of love.  As a result of that, I don't have very many close relationships because, even though I try to hide it, I am very devastated whenever I have to separate from someone I love dearly.  I've lost a lot of friends in the past because I started to idolise them or berate them for irritating me.  I tend also not to date people because whenever I do meet a new guy it's really hard to explain why I'm terrifed of them and terrified to go anywhere with people who are unfamiliar to me.  I could give examples of experiences but I think you get the idea.

It's not easy being too much to handle.  But I refuse to let it get me down. 

What causes these disorders I have?  Several things...  Both my parents have emotional or mental illnesses and I survived a brutal rape and beating when I was 18.  Both those reasons are not my fault, so why should that stop me from living a normal life?  It's like my life is this big journey I'm on, like walking along the spaces of a board game and at each stop I've got to figure out how to get past an obstacle in the form of a riddle I've given myself.  To quote the favorite character from my favorite TV show (Twin Peaks) once you "crack the code, you can solve the case." 

Besides going to regular therapy sessions and group sessions to deal with my challenges, I am on the anti-depressant, Paxil.  I've had bad experiences with other drugs.  Prozac felt like speed to me and Zoloft not only irritated my stomach, it would turn me into a "zombie" (all I could do was sleep and when I was awake, I still felt half asleep).  I was reluctant to go on Paxil because of this but I felt I owed it to myself and the people I love.  If I could get my moods more regulated, I thought maybe I could finally get myself in better emotional shape to do the things I've been dreaming about doing -- like finally being able to drive a car, or go on a date, or visit my best friend in Minneapolis.  Paxil, so far, seems to work for me as long as I don't change the rountine dosage and work out my frustrations on paper instead of taking them out on people.

Again, thanks for tagging along with me on this journey.  I promise you it will be a bumpy ride at times! 

And now for some more interesting news....  NEW TAROT CARDS on the way tonight.

Well, despite crushing blows of emotion, I managed to get some more painting done.  I've been working so long now on these cards that I just realized that I'm getting down to the final eight.  I'll add some indepth comments on these latest images once I've had a bite to eat.  Oh, and I also just realized that I now have the entire suit of Pentacles and Swords done now, too.  I'll have to come back tomorrow and review...  Enjoy what I've done so far!

Ten of Wands

Okay, finally found the time to add the meanings to these cards...  The Ten of Wands is about burdens, being tied down to responsibilities and expectations.  The figure in this card is tied to the wands and his skin looks a little sunburned.  He's scowling, too.

Nine of Wands

The Nine of Wands is a testy card; the final showdown, it will test your patience and resolve.  Do you have what it takes to finish what you started?  The figure here has all his defences up.  He's prepared and waiting for something to happen.

Eight of Swords

The woman here is trapped by her thoughts, wrapped up in concerns and worries.  The swords here represent mental blocks.  She can escape but she has to use her head.

The Fool (or Adventurer)

The Fool is the guy who takes you on an adventure.  He's all set to go, got his backpack full and everything, yet he doesn't know what is ahead of him.  Who's that shadowy figure in the trees?  It could be a bear or another person.  We won't find out until the Fool gets over there.  Images of the Fool were common in Medieval and Renaissance artistic traditions. Secular sources, such as Brant's "Narrenschiff" (Basle, 1494) show the fool with foolscap, crutch or staff, barefoot and with leggings falling.  Sometimes the Fool is being taunted by children or a dog snaps at his heels as he is walking.  In nearly all Tarot decks, past and present, the Fool represents a spiritual aspirant or a student who is about to go on a quest for self development.  He isn't actually an idiot, he just doesn't necessarily know where his feet are going to take him and he's okay with that.  He's prepared for adventure, not disaster.  His attitude is cheerful.

Seven of Swords

The Seven of Swords comes with a bit of cunning.  The dancer has nearly all of the swords balanced around her and yet she is not cut by the blades.  This card represents trickery, duplicity, escape, and taking advantage of a situation. 

Three of Pentacles

The falcon of the Three of Pentacles represents development, accomplishment, and increased status.  At the falcon's feet is literally golden pentacle, the other pentacles behind him have grown out of the earth and appear as blossoms.

Five of Swords

With the Five of Swords comes uneasy victory.  The storm is just passing, yet the woman gathers up her swords to prepare for a war that has yet to come. 

Ten of Swords

This card usually depicts ruin and murder.  Here I have the soul of a woman being held up, not pierced, by ten swords.  Even though a defeat has occured here, there is still something to be gained.  The Ten of Swords means drastic change that occurs involuntarily, in other words, you can't avoid the change and you have to fast the consequences of your actions before you can move to the next stage in your life.  With this change comes a "death" -- it may make you very unhappy for awhile but that, too, shall pass... 

Nemesis

?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
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I love this little quiz thingies...  Here's what classic pin-up I am:

I did the quiz and found out I'm Bettie Page!

What Classic Pin-Up Are You?
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  I find myself in the middle of transition and at the end of my Tarot deck project.  Whenever a relationship changes and whenever I finish something I put a lot of energy into, I get a little depressed.  What do I do now?  Who do I love now?  Where am I going?  I would welcome change if only it didn't mean I had to let go of things.  Last Saturday I recieved a psychic reading from my Strega teacher, Sharon.  I hadn't seen her in nearly five years and when she saw me she gave me one of her usual greetings: "What are you doing here... again?"  The last time I saw her was on my birthday in 2000 and I was making plans to leave Stevens Point for Milwaukee.  I had just met my future best friend that last November and was about to experience my Saturn Return (I had just turned 30).  Sharon said to me back then, "What are you doing here?"  You see, she knew as well as I did, that living in Stevens Point for me is a temporary situation -- my little stop along the way to wherever it is I'm supposed to be.  This time, five years later, Sharon tells me I really need to move on to Minneapolis otherwise staying here will just further delay my progress.  I know my friends in Milwaukee will be saddened to hear that I am now making a firm decision to move, but it's true.  If I go back to Milwaukee I believe my life will further stagnate and if I stay in Stevens Point I'll just get more depressed.

Yet how will I move?  And with what money?  I spend a lot of time wondering what the hell to do next and sometimes I wait for someone to tell me what to do next -- or tell me what I know I should do next.  Does that make sense?

All I can tell you is what I want to do now and, so, the plan now is to finish my application for enrollment at the Minneapolis College of Art and Design (MCAD).  Yet I hesitate to do just that.  Moving to Milwaukee was not that big of a transition -- Milwaukee was my hometown, I knew the people, places, and things there.  The only people I know in Minneapolis are my friend Andrew, his friend Bonnie, and his sister Julie.  They will be the only family I'll have there.  Going there I will have to face new crowds and new places.  This is something I will have to do gradually.

So, back to my reading with Sharon...  I know that some of you out there believe psychic readings to be nothing more than hogwash.  Sure they are if you're only looking for the simple entertainment of your fortune being told.  Thing is, the future can be read, it's just up to you to edit it.  When you find the right "Psychic Reader" for you, the reading is more like getting spiritual counselling or New Age therapy.  It's also just more damn interesting to see a reader than it is to see a doctor -- both can help you get in touch with yourself, but a reader will not call you crazy when you talk about communicating with your ancestors and spirit guides, if you know what I mean.  Or maybe you might not know what I mean because you are from a culture that doesn't listen to spirits or maybe you'll think I'm dealing with Devil cards just because I happen to not be a Christain.  Anyway....

The Tarot deck Sharon used is the Osho Zen Tarot -- a good deck for dealing with issues in a clear, plain manner.  Here are the cards Sharon pulled for me:

Slowing Down: a card depicting a turtle moving slowly through a forest of leaves.  This card indicated that I am thinking too fast and too much.  I'm already feeling the push to move forward but I can'd do it in a hurried manner.  I need to take the time to get ready first. 

Flowering: a woman sitting on a lotus flower that has just bloomed.  Sharon told me that this indicates that I am finally going to be coming out of my shell.  I need to stop getting discouraged and follow through with my plans.  "You need to design, to draw out the inner meanings of things for others," Sharon said, "this is what you are meant to do.  You are about to blossom."

Celebration: three women dance in the rain.  This card told of drastic change.  I will be meeting others of a like mind.  There will be a lot of involvement with other women.  Sharon said, "You may fight it at first because you tend not to trust people after what you've gone through, but you really shouldn't fight.  Let go and have fun with the girls."  She also told me that the work I will be doing will inspire women and that being with other women will make me feel more safe.

Going With the Flow:  a male figure floats along a river stream.  I will find more pagan friends in Minneapolis but their practices will be different than mine.  If I resist the differences, I will have a harder time getting along with people.  This card indicated that I have entered a time where I should learn new things anyway and I should let go of my misgivings and give in to the greater needs of the circle.

Ordinariness: a woman in a straw hat is picking flowers in a field.  When this card was drawn, Sharon gave me a stern look and said gruffly, "You will always stand out, so stop beating yourself up for not fitting in, Val."  It's true, I do tend to beat myself over not fitting in.  All the friends I had here in Stevens Point are all married and having kids, or worse yet, they have successful careers.  I tend to feel left out.  When other women are planning their weddings, I'm at home hunched over a desk.  And I can't seem to keep a relationship that will last.  Most men I'm attracted to are attracted to women who are ordinary -- they don't seem to want a woman like me who is a better artist than she is a housekeeper!

Aloneness: a monk prays on the edge of a cliff.  As if I didn't realize it already, Sharon told me that there will be no new sexual or romantic relationships for me at the time being.  I need to be alone with myself for awhile.  She said that perhaps later on the new group I will meet will help me overcome this loneliness.

The Source: a very large ovum is bursting with light and dozens of sperm are racing to penetrate the shell.  This card told Sharon that I have to stop looking outside of myself for the answers.  I also should separate the spiritual from the material.  Sex is spiritual for me, I can't do the act without my heart attached to the person I'm having sex with.  "You need to go back inside yourself," Sharon advised, "and give yourself the energy you gave to the men in your life."  After I do that maybe then I'll be ready to have a relationship again.

Guidance: in this card, an angel is leading a young woman into the light.  When this card was pulled, Sharon raised her voice and ordered me to LISTEN.  She said that there are plenty of people in this world and the next who are ready to help me, but for some stupid reason I'm not listening.  Sharon said I should also stop trying to interpret signals and assume I know things, I really need to just simply ask for the meaning and it will be given to me.

We Are the World: a globe is surrounded by a circle of people holding hands.  This card indicated that my place in the world is changing and that I should just go with the changes because I'm not really losing anything, I'm actually gaining new friends and experiences.  Sharon saw travel for me in the distant future.  Maybe I will go to Ireland someday after all!!!

Miser: an old man holds a treasure chest close to his chest.  Sharon said this indicated that I have locked up my feelings.  She said that I would've had a closer relationship with a man if I had not bottled up my feelings for him.  I should've opened up to him sooner.  Now I'm too scared to share.  I told Sharon that the reason why I don't always share my feelings is because my emotions are too intense, I'm afraid of scaring away a potential mate.  When I mentioned this to her she felt that there is someone in my life who is very sensitive and that I shouldn't dump my feelings on him.  She felt that this was Andrew.  "Let him help you," she advised, "he's not there as a resvouir for your problems."  I'll try to remember that.  I think I'm not the only one who tends to use a close friend as a sounding board in the negative way!

The last cards drawn were New Vision and Creativity.  Sharon said that these indicated my true position in the world -- to focus on new images and bring my visions to life.  She said that things will move very fast and I will be restless.  The best thing for me to do in order to grow as an artist is to move to a place I haven't lived before.  "You've outgrown the cities you've lived in, Val," Sharon said, "so it should be no mystery where you need to go."

I must say I agree.

Well, looks like I finally completed my Tarot deck.  The last eight cards are displayed below.  I must say I feel sad that it's over.  Sure, I'm excited about next placing the images into frames and then printing out sample copies of what they may look like as actual cards, however this feeling of something being done and over with leaves me longing for something more to do.  What will I do next?  There are several things I can focus on now; I can finish designing my new comic strip "Natasha Claus" (I postponed it last Xmas) and maybe I'll finally finish "From Foxes to Forgiveness" (a project I started with Andrew last summer).  Yet, this...  This Tarot deck.  It feels good, yet sad to be done.  I hope you guys like.

The Hermit

When working on this image, I imagined what my friend Andrew would look like when he gets very old.  Instead, I see an old friend, John Boatman, looking back at me.  The Hermit is about enlightenment; he holds up a lantern to part through the darkness.  He is isolated from the rest of the world but soon he must come back again to teach us what he has learned.

Seven of Cups

This card is all about dreams and options.  The mermaid is just about to break through the surface of the water, but first she is bogged down by indecision.  Each cup surround her holds something valuable.  The cup she holds is clear glass and it rests just under her chin; it's the only "empty" cup in the picture.  One cup holds a little baby sea creature, one holds pearls and gems, one a sand castle, another a white snake, and yet another holds a sword point that is blocked by a large leaf of seaweed.  And there is one mysterious cup that reflects a skull on its surface with a crown of laurel leaves resting on top of it.  If the mermaid chooses the baby creature, she will be saving a life.  If she chooses the pearls, she will have riches.  The sand castle represents a home, the snake knowledge, the sword point possible danger and the wisdom to know how to escape from it, and the laurel leaves possible immortality gained by fame and fortune.  It looks like she is holding onto the one that may lead to possible danger -- or maybe it won't.  Maybe she is choosing the cup that holds a weapon she can use to defend herself against danger.  For us, this card is also known as the "siren song" of illusion; your own dreams distracting you acting in the world.  It can also have a much more positive meaning, one that tells you to let go of reality for a little while and embrace your dreams.  

Hanged Woman

With the Hanged Man, the traditional meaning is one of stagnation and suspension.  Things are moving slowly, you need to take time out to heal, or you may need to give something up in order to move on.  Some readers say that it is a card of suffering and haphazard behavior causing you to be looking out at the rest of the world from an "up-side-down" advantage.  This other way of seeing will cause you great discomfort, but you will not walk away from the experience with nothing gained.

Five of Wands

I always hate drawing this image from the deck.  The Five of Wands represents fighting, quarrels, and struggles.  It's the card that tells you that no is getting along and you're either going to be in the thick of the fight or annoyed by the fighting going on around you.  Sometimes it's about fighting with yourself, too.

Page of Wands

My version of the Page of Wands is a fire sprite.  She is youthful, creative, sly, and yet she is ever watchful, quick to anger, and pretty enough to look at but too hot to touch.  Her message is to not take life too seriously, but make sure you don't get burned.

Seven of Wands

The Seven of Wands is all about defending yourself.  You can do it.  You're in the best position to win.  It's also about maintaining your power against opposition and showing other people you have what it takes to keep on winning.

Strength

The lion here is tamed by a young woman who looks a lot like me.  The lion doesn't seem to mind being pampered and loved.  It has no need to fight or roar, it is content to be a "kitty" and doesn't even mind wearing a collar!  This card is about having the courage and endurance to overcome an obstacle by changing the obstacle itself -- a problem loses its power once you consider it no longer a problem but a game to played. 

Judgement

Ah, the last card I painted...  Nice that it is the Judgement card.  This is a card that states all your past actions and deeds have been judged worthy or not worthy.  A decision has been made. Traditionally the Rider-Waite image is one of souls woken up from death, rising up to the sound of a trumpet blown by an angel.  This means that this card is also one that denotes rising up from the dead to eternal life in Heaven.  More practically it represents rejuvenation; the figure is about to be reborn and the Goddess in the clouds accepts her.  It's time to fly!

So, here I am again.  At the beginnings of endings and the ending of beginnings it seems.  I have found three very new projects to keep myself busy for the next six months at least. 

One is to start a comic book for Native American young adults of the Red Cliff band of Ojibwe -- the title of which I do not yet know nor do I know what the story will be about.  The tribe is still taking suggestions and working out the funding.  I almost thought the project wasn't going to see the light of day until today when I got a call from Andy Gokee of UWSP's Native American Center.  I've long dreamed of taking part in such a project and now that it looks like it's going to get the green light, I'm optimistic.  In light of the tragic events that happened with my relatives at Red Lake, Minnesota (I'm Menominee and Chippewa -- L'Anse), it's important that we reach Native youth.  I, for one, grew up without our sacred stories, I didn't have many mentors to look up to, and was teased by white kids for being "Indian." When you grow like that, you develop deep anger and sorrow.  I see this as my chance to do something more with my art than just paint a pretty story.  However, I'm not your typical AmerIndian artist -- when I draw or paint people from various tribes I don't place us in feathers or fringed leather -- I'm more contemporary and that's something that might be seen as either an advantage or a flaw. 

My other project idea is to update or re-create a Marie-Anne Adelaide Lenormand cartomancy deck.  After finishing the Tarot cards, I wanted to design a new kind of playing card deck.  While brainstorming ideas, I came across an old deck of fortune telling playing cards an old friend from Germany gave me.  Similuar to a regular playing card deck, it has only 36 cards and was mainly used in the early 1800's by a famous Parisian card reader named Marie-Anne Adelaide Lenormand who was acclaimed as the Sybil of the Salons and known to be the confidante of Josephine Tascher of Pagerie, countess of Beauharnais (Josephine Bonaparte-to-be) amongst other famous (and infamous) characters of the turn of the18th century.  Fascinated by her story, I thought it would be absolutely wonderful to do a bit of research and make some old fashioned cards with a 21st century twist.  Since I'm used to working with Tarot, I find Mlle. Lenormand's cards a bit tricky to use -- kind of like learning to ride a bike backwards.  I called a couple other psychic readers I know to see what they thought of the Lenormand cards and none of them had used or even heard of them before.  I'm not sure if I will go on with the project because, after looking up several of the Lenormand decks online, I've discovered I'm not the only cartomancer who has been delighted by the Lenormand cards.  Still, it's worth a shot.

Whether or not the first two projects pan out, I've been meaning to continue with more of my genealogical research on my family.  I recently found out that I am a direct descendent of Charles Michel de Langlade  -- he was my great/great/great/great/great/great grandfather.  More on that later...

Here's a new collection of self portraits I did in my spare time... (some of which I've already displayed in previous posts)

  This portrait was done with coffee and tea stains.  I was bored and didn't want to just sit doing nothing, so I took a large napkin and played!

   This was how I looked late one night.  My hair was tired and dirty and the ends just draped over my shoulder in some melodramatic way.  I think this image says a lot about myself when I am most lonely and depressed.  I have been depressed a lot over this last month.  One of the worst things about depression is that it doesn't enable you to recieve and recognize love; the sorrow just warps your heart.  However, my depression comes and goes and one of the reasons why I haven't blogged in a long while is because I don't like reading over the crazy things I write when I'm depressed.  I don't think you all out there want to hear me complain about how love lorn I am, anyway!

   I had this dream that a white butterfly was trying to get out of my stomach.  I had to puncture myself to get it out, and when it did, it burst out and I woke up in a lot of pain.  Seems like last night's snack of popcorn and bratwurst didn't agree with me.

   Another vision of comfort.  I call this my cosmic-cuddle-cocoon position -- the colors and spiral pattern helped me sleep -- it has a meditative look to it.  While painting this I realized something: saddest thing about being in a relationship that is usually described as a 'friendship-with-benefits' -- you don't get the honors and promises of future happiness that you can obtain once someone makes you their girlfriend, and, at any moment, the relationship can end leaving you with an empty aftertaste.  Of course then how can I forget that getting into a major romantic relationship has its pitfalls as well; breaking up is always more likely than staying together.  I feel I'm better off not clinging to any scenario because any relationship can be a scary thing.  This is what gets me sad; not having the love I want and too damn scared clueless to do anything about it.  If only I could cling to happiness more than to the things that make me sad... and if only new people weren't so 'strange.'

   In an explosion of strength, I painted my body changing.  I'm trying to get healthy here.

   Okay, this isn't a picture of me, just a Moon snake on a shard of midnight!

Oh, get this...  I just discovered that there is another "Valentina Tarot" out there.  Way different than the "Valentina Tarot" I've previewed here, this deck is called the "The Tarot of Valentina Visconti" -- it's a different Valentina, yet I think it's damn weird to have the name "Valentina" on more than one Tarot deck out there.  It might be something I might have to change.  My deck I named after myself -- I thought my name was unique enough not to be duplicated so easily.  So I do a little search on my name in Google and here are a few crazy things I've found... 

Meet VALENTINA the Danish model!

Gee, guys, I didn't realize I (Valentina) am an extreme fetish model! 

Yes, I was named after the first woman in outer space.  Hey, I could be a Barbarella!

I'm a Voodoo doll as well.

If you can read Italian, I'm also an erotic graphic novel by Guido Crepax.

Looks like I'm not the only painter out there named Valentina, too.

My name in Latin means "Healthy" or "Strong" (something like that).  Find out what your name means at http://www.babynamesworld.com/

But there is only one me and that's Valentina Kaquatosh and you can find me at a Native American artist's showcase at Blue Corn Comics.

An old friend of mine, Mordechai Luchins, has this to say about me on his website:

"Valentina is one amazingly creative woman. When the studio was in place, she started this brilliant collaborative project called "Home". It even had a soundtrack. One of my biggest regrets about the studio falling by the wayside is that "Home" was never completed.

One other note about Valentina: She has one of the best grasps of how to use black space in her art. Love it."

Yep, "Home" was yet another project abandoned because there just wasn't enough people on board to really get it going.  One of these days when I have more worldly influence maybe then I'll get another group of artists and writers together to do a collaborative story.

Okay, and one last thing, for those of you who love Dragonlance Kender, I did a series of Kender headshots for roleplayers.  Visit The Kencyclopedia and get an eyefull.  And, yeah, that's enough focusing one me for one day!

1.  What is the strangest thing or who is the strangest famous person that for some reason or other turns you on?

I have to admit that Crispin Glover has sex appeal.  There's just something about him that suggests sexiness to me, yet I look at him and he really isn't an average kind of guy that I would call a "hunk."  The other thing that turns me on is lipgloss of all things!  There's something really sensual about applying something slick and shiney on your lips...

2.  What's the funniest, most embarassing moment you've ever had happen during sex?

I was going down on a guy and just before he came I took a deep breath and accidentally, literally inhaled his man-juice!!!  We both start laughing so hard I could barely breathe.  So, yeah, I can honestly say I not only suck and swallow, I've also INHALED!  However, I don't recommend it.  It stung the sinuses.

3.  Pretend for a moment that you are a stand-up comedian.  What funniest/weirdest aspect(s) of your life, family, home, or job that would harp on in your comedy routine?

Romantic and sexual relationships interspersed with extreme bouts of cussing.  Mainly because I've had some pretty fucked up experiences and I'm no where near closer to understanding other people. 

Like, for instance, why is it that for some reason I'm the girl who'll treat her guy like he's some kind of Prince -- I mean I'm giving the guy head every night and yet it's not enough to keep him interested.  He goes for the anorexic chic next door who refuses to have sex with him.  He feels the need to take care of her.  Isn't she cute throwing up like that?  Oh, yeah, but what about taking care of the woman who takes care of you, if you know what I mean?  What is up with that?  Take my ex-fiance for example, after we dump each other (I dumped him because he liked to order me around, he dumped me because he couldn't figure out why I should have a problem with that... "Gee, honey, all I did was tell you to have four kids for me!"  Hey, it's my body and ain't no way I'm carrying some brat the size of a watermelon in my uterus four times, let alone once) he goes and joins several different dating services and then starts dating up to five women all at once.  What was he thinking?!  I think the fucker was playing "girlfriend lottery" -- thinking he's gonna up his chances at finding "the one" if he broadens the field! 

4.  What is your biggest pet peeve?

People who package bullshit in the wrapping of "truth."  You know the types out there.  They even buy into their own crap.  In the small town I live in there's a group of supernatural enthusiasts and all of them claim to be a) abducted by aliens b) live in a haunted house or c) have convinced themselves that they get possessed by spirits they have contacted via Quija boards.  I have worked as a professional psychic reader and have participated in scientific investigations of supposedly haunted places.  I don't claim to know it all nor can I explain the mysteries of the universe and I'm as skeptical as you might not expect (considering my supplemental part time job as a reader).  Yet I am so tired of ignorant people -- and that goes not just for the SP geeks, it goes for all stupid people.  I hate switching on the news and listening to people's bullshit.  I think everyone out there who wants to be on television should take a course on public speaking and brush up on reality.

I've done it again!  Just when you thought it was safe to check out my blog, I've posted more stickers of myself.  Enjoy my insanity.  Or is that vanity?

Last week I started designing a fortune telling playing card deck based on the 36 Mlle. Lenormand card deck of recent antiquity.  The final copies of these cards will be fully inked with pen and brush with a few areas painted red -- meaning I will be working with only three colors: red, black, and white which are the colors of the stages of a woman's life.  Red is a color symbolizing the period of a woman's life when she is most fertile.  Black is old age and white represents girlhood.  So, no surprise, my Lenormand deck is more feminist in nature.  The following are pencil drawings of the Spades court cards.  The first thumbnail is a sketch placed on tracing paper.  The second is the final pencilled drawing transferred onto bristol board.  Over next week I will ink the cards and add color.  More to come later...  And all your comments are welcomed.

The Queen of Spades (card no. 9: the Flowers)

The Queen of Spades in the Mlle. Lenormand fortune telling cards is known as the "flower" card, indicating contentment, abundance, and good fortune.  Whenever she shows up in a reading, she lessens the blow of negative cards.  My Spades Queen looks like a goddess crowned by moons and her neck is ringed by roses. 

The King of Spades (card no. 30: the Lilies) 

The King of Spades is ringed by lilies and he usually represents moral support, good business, and work.  His face is half in shadow and half smiling (the other half frowning) and his attitude/influence depends upon which side is facing the significator (a card representing the man or woman recieveing the reading).  I'm not entirely satisified with this design.  I see the King of Spades as an old French aristocrat with the lilies (the fleur-de-lis) as symbols of the old regime (pre-Revolutionary France, 1648 to 1788).

The Jack of Spades (no. 13: the Child)

Lucky card no. 13 is the Jack of Spades often represented as a smiling child.  She brings trust, friendliness, playfulness, and optimism.  After looking back on these initial drawings, this card (unintentially) looks an awful lot like Tori Amos!

The Ace of Spades (no.29 the Lady)

This ace is used to represent a female querent (person asking questions of the psychic reader).  My "lady" would have been a typical woman of the late 1790's France and quite possibly what one of Mlle. Lenormand's clients might have looked like.  She no longer wears the wig and tight corset from the previous decade in fashion.  Her hair is tightly curled around her head and tied back by a band of ribbon called a bandeaux.  Around her neck is a red ribbon that some post-revolutionary french women wore to remember the victims of the gullotine.

It's really important that everyone take the time to share with someone young what it is you believe in and love, because it may turn out they already love and believe in those things, too.  I took my nephews, Josh and Nick, to a university sponsored Pow-Wow last Saturday.  It was the first time the boys had ever been around other Native American kids and families.  Their mother and my brother don't get along nor do their parents take the time to teach them about their ancestors.  I know it has nothing to do with my brother not seeing our ancestory as a problem, he's just too busy and hasn't learned much about our family's old ways of doing and believing to really teach the boys much.  Plus, we don't live on the reservation and some of our extended family isn't on speaking terms with my father after he left home many years ago.  What little my nephews have learned has been through the public school system and I have told them a few of our sacred stories. 

I promised them both that this time around I would get them each a necklace and teach them how to dance.  They were a bit shy about dancing, mainly content to watch the other Indian boys and girls.  Nick was deeply fascinated with the drumming.  "It's like a giant heart beat," he said, and he was exactly right. 

The only bad thing about the event were the vendors.  Since it was sponsored by UWSP, they brought in vendors who were really over charging folks for fake "Indian artifacts" -- trying to sell products that were more Eastern Indian than Native American.  We came across a bone flute and a lady really tried to convince me that it was made out of buffalo bone.  I could have been nasty at her, but for the sake of the kids, I let things go.  I decided then and there that it was more important that my nephews learn about the old ways from me, their Auntie Val, than from some white lady who was out to exploit our heritage for a quick buck.

I managed to find someone from our Menominee tribe and they gave me two bear claw necklaces to give to Josh and Nick.  Before I let them put them on, I told them the story about the first Menominee -- that the first of us was a Bear.  Wearing the bear claws over their hearts, the boys felt proud to be who they are.

Nick said, "I feel different now."  I asked him what he meant.  "I feel more like who I'm supposed to be.  Like I'm stronger and protected. Like I can walk up to a bear now and not be afraid."  He then told me that he plans on wearing the bear claw when he goes out on his first hunting trip with his stepfather next fall.  I told him that was good and to remember to honor all the animals, always.

"I'm going to wear this forever!" Josh exclaimed.

I hope they do.  I really do.

I just got done inking the final pencils for my playing card/fortune telling deck.  You will notice that some of the images intersect intentionally.  Once I scanned them in, I experimented with their placement.  The following are the court cards for Spades.  I even did mock-ups of how they'd look as actually playing cards.  All comments are appreciated!

The Ace of Spades (no.29 the Lady)

The Jack of Spades (no. 13: the Child)

The Queen of Spades (card no. 9: the Flowers)

The King of Spades (card no. 30: the Lilies) 

The Spades Family

Do I have what it takes to go back to art school?

What are my strengths and weaknesses?  Why do I want to go back to college?  Do I just simply want to finish what I started, or do I have a higher purpose?  And what makes me special enough to be accepted back into art school?  I have to answer these questions with confidence and maturity in order to write a successful "statement of interest" essay that will get me accepted into classes at MCAD.  It's proving to be harder than I first anticipated. 

1.  I've been out of classes for eight years now.

2.  I have inconsistant grades fluctuating from A's to D's because of learning disabilities that weren't diagnosed until my junior year in college.

3.  In the fall of 1997 I had a nervous breakdown, was in the hospital for two weeks, and therefore missed the academic withdrawal deadline warranting me a suspension (hence why I've been out of classes for 8 years).

I've written dozens of essays now and, in light of my obstacles, not one seems to be strong enough for me.    "What is the one experience you've had that brings you to art school?" the Admissions director has asked me.  I'm having trouble presenting any one experience, I just come up with reasons why I want to go back to art school:

1.  I lack the experiences I need to land myself a job as a professional illustrator.

2.  I hunger for the collaboration I once had with other students when I was in classes.

3.  I'm tired of producing work that doesn't get used or noticed by the world at large.

4.  I need to be in an atmosphere where my talents and skills can be nurtured.

When I was previously in school, the focus was on "how to draw, paint, write, etc. better."  The constant critiques tested my patience.  Most of other students' work wasn't that good.  And the assignments rarely interested me.  I often pushed the limits of my professors' patience by seeing how far I could get away with doing what I wanted as oppposed to what they wanted me to learn.  No one really guided me on how to earn a living as an artist.  It is very hard to be a professional and so very easy to sink into a day job where the only difference in the world I'm making is how much crap I've sold to people.

I think my Old Friends in Stevens Point are avoiding me...

I've run into old friends I made at UWSP and none of them seem to want anything to do with me.  Sure, many of them are married with children (or with children on the way) now and they have careers to keep them busy, but I can't shake the feeling they just don't fucking like me anymore -- or maybe they never did!  I give them my phone number and they don't give me theirs.  Ask a few out to eat and they give me excuses.  Some walk away as I am talking to them.  A couple others I exchanged email messages with for a little while and then nothing!  Sure, I know the old days are gone, but I never thought the future would be like this.  I mean, I'm not looking for some big reunion, and maybe I'm just being a little nostalgic, but I'm realizing that we can no longer know each other because we no longer have anything in common.  This town is so full of memories for me that it makes me feel empty.  The only people I'm friends with now all live much farther away and I pray that the same fate does not befall us!

A few things I've realized today...

1.  The worst thing about depression is that it disables you from recieving and recognizing the love others have for you.

2.  I'm not perfect.  I'm still learning how to love myself.  Loving myself is a full time job and it's harder than school.

3.  Most of the mistakes I've made were done because I had to prove myself wrong.

4.  It's hard to come to terms with my victories when I've suffered so many losses.  I believe that's why I weep when I'm happy.

5.  Why is it so hard to let go of the negative when the positive is so much better for me?  I think a very vital part of me wants to defeat what defeats me, so I hold on to the negative to keep my over confidence in check...

6.  I don't believe violence and revenge are the answer, yet I can't deny my need to express my anger when I'm hurt.  I think anger can heal you as much as forgiveness that way.  It's only natural to bite back at the things and people who bite you.

Yet another close friend has moved on to greener pastures...

My friend Greg has moved.  I'm happy for him yet I feel guilty for feeling sad to let go of this familiar person in a familiar place...  I will miss him and the old apartment where we spent many nights staying up late talking and watching movies.  I really miss "our commentaries" and I really miss snuggling up to him on the couch.  He was like a pillow to me.  Now he's someone else's pillow.  *sigh!*

Where-oh-where has my Drewper gone? Where-oh-where could he be?

My best friend is missing-in-action for the time being.  I hate it when he's too busy to talk longer than five minutes to me on the phone.  I appreciate that he works very hard campaigning for clean water and teaching, but I can't help but admit my selfish desire to want to keep him all to myself.  Of course, if I had the power to kidnap the guy, he'd chew my head off, so that's not a very good idea.  Also, it's been since last August since I last saw him and we only had a few hours to kill together.  So, yeah, I have to spring on him soon.  Drew's one of those friends who is more like family to me than my real family.  I'm sure everyone's got friends like that.  No matter how far away he is, he's always with me, so sometimes I forget to remember to miss him!  Isn't that weird?

It is the "Orgazmo" that keeps Us together!

Okay, so "Orgazmo" was FINALLY released on dvd last week and because it's NC-17, I had to special order the damn flick.  I was so anxious to get it that I ordered it as a two day delivery from UPS but, as my luck would have it, it took seven very long days to get to me.  Sure I got my delivery charges refunded for the screw up, but talk about annoying!  So once I get it home, I called up my brother Mark and we had ourselves a little party.  You see, this film has special siginificance for Mark and I because it was the first Trey Parker and Matt Stone movie we ever watched -- we saw it before Cannibal the Musical! 

Blood is thicker than water so you can't wash blood stains out with water -- so no matter how many times I haven't gotten along with my brother, we still find ourselves back together over something stupid we both appreciate.  When we first saw "Orgazmo" it was shortly after Mark's first son was born and he had just gotten him to sleep.  We had to be quiet to not wake up the baby, but it's almost impossible not to laugh loudly while watching "Orgazmo."  So you can imagine how careful we had to be.  It was like a dare -- let's see how long we can watch without laughing.  We ended up having to pause the tape and step outside to laugh.

The re-release is great, filled with new features and an unrated version of the film.  It was a little anti-climatic because I think I expected more like nude shots of Trey and Matt or something.  In any case, it's still just as funny as the first time, except this time my brother and I could laugh out loud!  Go out and get it.  It's so worth it.  It'll keep you entertained for hours.

I was bored at Taco Bell and drew my thoughts...

I believe both express how lonely I am.  I think I will do more self portraits on napkins from various other eating establishments!

Okay, I tried to reply to this earlier but for some reason, the blog I was responding to did not post my replies, so I'm replying here.  First, let me post the other guy's comments:

from tucker.mindsay.com: "I hope this causes a stir"

First off, not everyone who recieves welfare is on drugs and most are not lazy (some people who posted responses to this believed so).  It's actually hard to meet many of the requirements needed in order to recieve benefits.  Second, there are just as many working Americans who are on drugs and who cheat their way out of drug testing in order to get their jobs.  Just because you have to be subjected to drug testing doesn't mean everyone else should, too.  It really depends on your company and its policies.  Not every job requires drug testing and most jobs shouldn't require drug testing.  I once worked at a chocolate factory and they drug tested us -- and I personally knew several co-workers who were drug users and somehow they passed!  It's all very lame, ineffective, and an invasion of privacy, if you ask me. 

The idea Tucker presented about manditory drug testing for welfare recipients is not a new one and it is one that is usually presented by someone who has never been unfortunate enough to have to go on welfare.  It is a humiliating process to apply for welfare benefits.  I was once on welfare and I wasn't on it because I was looking to freeload; I was laid off and actively looking for work.  I wasn't fired or skipped out on work.  I was just simply out of work temporarily. 

In order to recieve benefits I was REQUIRED to look for work and some of the jobs I applied for DID REQUIRE DRUG TESTING.  I passed the drug test but STILL didn't get the job, yet I had to follow through with the other requirements necessary to recieve benefits.  When you apply for benefits, you are assigned to a social worker.  If you don't report to your social worker each week, you don't recieve your benefits.  Period.  Also, in order to recieve food stamps you have to take a very lame class that's supposed to teach you how to budget and save your money.  If you don't take the class and show you've learned something, you don't recieve your benefits.  Taking that damn class was a waste of my time, yet everyone is so under the impression that the unemployed-at-large is just simply lazy, that I had to put up with the patronizing treatment.  It was very eye-opening.

Having to rely on government benefits is NOT a free ride.  In fact it sucks more than being employed!

Try being disabled and go through the process of filing for social security benefits and you'll also see how hard it is to recieve those benefits, too! 

In order to recieve unemployment benefits, you have to prove you've been looking for work by filling out up to ten applications each week, checking up on the jobs you applied to, and filling out and handing these forms to your social worker each week.  If you don't report these things to your worker, you do not get a benefit check that week.  In order to be on AFDC (child welfare), you have to have children or be a guardian in good standing and report to a social worker at least once a month.  If you get caught selling or doing drugs, you lose your benefits and your children lose benefits.

Your average drug addict can't or won't regularly follow up on the requirements, they'd rather blow off the classes and reports and turn tricks, steal, or sell drugs in order to keep their habit.  It may be true that some welfare recipients are on drugs and maybe getting tested will scare them sober so they don't lose their benefits, but it's still ineffective way to regulate who is most deserving of benefits.  It's also an ineffective way of who is most deserving of getting a job.  If you're actively searching for a job, you don't want to screw it up by partying the night before.  There is no perfect way to screen applicants, too.  I applied for jobs that looked into my credit history!  I have no criminal background, yet my credit is screwed up and I owe money -- does that mean I'm poorly suited for employment?

There is a very small percentage of people on welfare who really are freeloaders, yet they are the ones who get all the publicity.  Why?  Because we're all looking for a scapegoat to blame for our troubles but we are blaming the wrong people.  Blame the stupid fat cat companies out there who are invading your privacy by asking you to pee in a cup for them, NOT the little guy who is barely getting by on the meger income the government gives him.  Wouldn't it be more fair to blame the fat cats over the little guys?  Maybe it's just easier for people to pick on the little guys.  Talk about bullying!  Yet what would be more fair?  Better and/or more drug testing?  I don't believe drug testing really is the answer.  There are more people out there than there are jobs and more businesses are going out of business because the economy sucks right now.

There has got to be a better, more fair plan for people out there, but there isn't at the moment.  I recommend checking your state's laws regarding welfare and other unemployment benefits before making any further judgements on how to make it harder for people to recieve benefits.  Wisconsin's laws are tough and the whole "welfare-to-work" program really hurt single mothers.  Goes to show you that every plan has its flaws and not every welfare recipient should pay for society's ills.

~V 

You gotta love these Quizilla things...  Some of 'em make my day!

I am The Bride! Revenge is my middle name, if
people betray me, I don't stand by and let
them win, good for me! Yeah, I like me.

Which Kill Bill Character Are you??
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Somehow this makes sense!

You are LaFawnduh. Why are you so sweaty?

Which Napoleon Dynamite character are you?
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I went on an adventurous search for something special for Andrew this week.  He was looking for a cast iron cauldron that would hold five gallons or more.  At first I wasn't sure if I would be able to find one, much less afford one that big, but after a few phone calls to some of my friends in the Pagan community, I managed to track down a company that specializes in making big ass cauldrons!  Now I want one for myself.

I used to have a cauldron that held 2 gallons but my ex took it.  Not that I've had much use for one, mind you, still it would be nice to have one around whenever I get together with a group again.  Except I'd have to have two; one for cooking and one strictly for ritual use.  Well, maybe one just for cooking in the great outdoors, now that I think of it...

And just what kind of ritual would require such large cauldrons?  Well, all kinds of rituals involving any kind of cooking or brewing for a crowd.  I'd probably use one strictly for divination purposes and store it underground. 

Not very many people own cauldrons anymore, you see.  Before people had stoves, they cooked their meals in big iron pots.  Using cauldrons today harkens back to those early times and the cauldron itself is symbolic of the mother's womb -- where we all come from.  The cauldron is also especially special to the goddess Cerridwen.

I'd explain more, but that would require a lot of words and I'm not in the mood to go on a huge tangent today.  Besides, for the most part, being pagan has required me to explain to people who I am and what I believe and for once I'd just like to say I'm pagan and not have to explain further.  However,  for anyone out there interested in Paganism, ask me any question you have and I'll be happy to answer.  I'm not that stingy with witchy info!

Last couple of nights I didn't get much sleep, so I painted a couple more self portraits:

The first is of myself as the Moon or Night.  I have a very round face and I would describe my face as being very "moon-like."  The second is of myself as the Sun or Day.  Notice that in my Moon self portrait I have my eyes open and as the Sun I have my eyes closed.  This means that I'm usually up during the night and I sleep mostly during the day.  In both portraits I show traces of tears because I do tend to weep a lot, not necessarily from pain but because my eyes tear from dryness and allergies and that gives me a lot of grief!  I look at these paintings and realize that I seem very sad in each one and I seem balloon-like or bloated.  What do you see in them?

Investigating ghosts and legends are my hobby, I have participated in paranormal investigations, usually of haunted places and, moonlighting as a professional psychic, I've also done my fair share of house blessings and seances.  To me it's more normal than paranormal and the weird is only weird because it's different or outside of our usual experience and ordinary knowledge.  Plus, it's just damn "cool" to research things that are unexplained (even though the actual undertaking of such investigations are a tad bit on the boring side).  However, after saying all this, you may think me silly but actually I'm as big a skeptic as Pen and Teller on their show "Bullshit!"  (Encountering and dealing with other psychics who mix circus side-showmanship with New Age religious mumbo jumbo to psyche the cash out of the gulliable -- has given me a nose for bullshit).  So, when I popped into the local bookstore for something entertaining to read and came across "The Wisconsin Road Guide to Haunted Locations" by Chad Lewis and Terry Fisk, I expected bullshit.  Instead it's a book that tears apart some of the local haunted legends such as "Calvin's Blood" which I hope discourages people to finally leave that poor little civil war hero's resting place alone. 

One legend has it that Calvin Blood killed his family and then hung himself from a crooked, evil-looking Oak tree that now hangs over his grave.  In reality the guy never killed his family, he died of natural causes at the ripe old age of 81.  At some point someone made up a scary story to frighten and amuse local teens and the cemetery soon became a hot bed of hysteria where kids dare each other to spend the night there.  Years of beer parties and vandalism has hurt Blood Cemetery and very few grave markers remain.  That's what happens when you let bullshit get out of control, if you ask me.

However, as I read on I came across something that did surprise me.  I once had an experience of talking to a ghost, but at the time I didn't realize that what I was talking to was a ghost, much less a legendary one known to haunt a rural county road in the township of Linwood.  In August of 1994, a group of friends and I were out walking along this county road one evening during a meteor shower.  We were looking for a place to view the sky.  I wandered off away from the group to pick up some Queen Anne's lace growing along side the road and I saw a man walk out of the trees toward me.  He said, "Nice night for it, isn't it?"  And I agreed.  He was wearing overalls and I'd place his age to be in his mid 50s.  I didn't think he was scary or weird, until I realized he had no legs!  From the waist down he was fading.  He disappeared as I was bending down to pick up the flowers I dropped when I noticed he had no legs and my friends were calling for me to catch up.  "Who was that guy you were talking to?" one of my friends asked and I told him that I didn't know.  I thought about telling them that the guy was a ghost, but I decided to let it go because there were a few people with us who were the excitable type and I didn't want to spoil the evening by freaking them out.  So, ten years later I'm reading Chad Lewis and Terry Fisk's book and see the listing for "Old Swenson" located in Stevens Point, township of Linwood.  Legend has it that there is this old guy of a ghost who walks along this road occasionally carrying flowers and flagging motorists down to help him look for where his wife is buried.  People who've encountered this ghost will give him directions to the nearby cemetery(s) only to notice, as they drive off, that the guy they swear they just talked to has no legs and seems to be floating in mid-air!  Other residents have reported that this is the ghost of Swenson (also known as Old Swanson) who used to work for Soo Line railroads in 1900 and was killed when his legs were severed in an accident, however there aren't any records to be found of someone named Swenson working in this area in 1900.  Bullshit or not, this is the first time I've read about something so close to something weird I experienced in a book that I can't ignore it and can't help but snicker over it.

Seems like I have nothing better to do than to explore my varied personalities...  One is a portrait on a napkin from a Chinese restaurant, another is one sketched with a sharpie on a McDonald's reciept, and lastly (or is it firstly?) I'm one hot chic amongst chicks!!!

1. Choose an artist and answer only in their song titles: Duran Duran

2. Are you male or female: Girls on Film

3. Describe yourself: Hungry Like the Wolf 

4. How do some people feel about you: Out of My Mind

5.How do you feel about yourself: Electric Barbarella

6.Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend: I Don't Want Your Love

7.Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend: Pop Trash Movie or Bedroom Toys (!)

8.Describe where you want to be: Rio

9.Describe what you want to be: Notorious

10.Describe how you live: Lonely in Your Nightmare 

11.Describe how you love: All She Wants Is (More)

12.Share a few words of wisdom: What Happens Tomorrow

"If you love me, I'll protect you
However I can
You've got to believe
It'll be alright in the end"

What's coming next: BIG MAMA GOTH!

Ever notice that most Goth people out there really aren't like the helpless-looking waifs pictured in Gothic lifestyle magazines?  Most Goths are hefty, big, and meaty.  This lady is kinda my alter ego.  She doesn't care if she's fat or not, in fact being fat helps her image.  "BIG MAMA GOTH: Because Death is a Heavy Issue!"  So, yeah, this is a new and original comic art character created by me, Valentina, while trying to come up with some logo designs for a friend's craft business.  Now I just have to come up with some strips.  So far I've got quite the little bumper sticker/blurb campaign going with this chic.  If you like her, send me your comments and I'll let your love make her image grow!  Oh, and btw, this cartoon is not meant to offend fat people, it was created to uplift us all from the tyranny of skinny people!!! Yay! 

Movies I've seen that you should see, too:

Intermission is the Irish answer to Trainspotting except without all the drugs and with more charcter.  It's also not your typical movie, but more of a collage of character stories that first jar your attention, then entrall you.  It's like watching the characters in mini soap operas and you wonder what will happen next as you begin to care about them.  Colin Farrell is a his most throbbingly hostile best and plays Lehiff as a fearsome yet likeable thug.  Cillian Murphy is hard to take your eyes off of, he glows with askewed passion for the romantically confused Deirdre (played beautifully by Kelly Macdonald ).  About the best thing in the movie are the all the chase scenes infused with the music of Clannad!  Colm Meaney 's character, the infamous Jerry Lynch's idea of Celtic mysticism comes from his love for Irish pop music and, if you just happened to be not into it, well, to quote him: "You just don't have the requisite Celtic soul, man."  Best way to view this film is with a pint of Guinness!

Elephant was, by far, one of the most haunting movies I've seen in a long while.  It really makes you wonder what really happened in the halls of Columbine before and during the shootings.  It also makes a high school not seem like the safest place in the world and more like a doorway into hell.  This movie will make you think, or give you nightmares.

Vera Drake is a film you may overlook at your local videostore because it seems like the story about some pitiful old English lady, but it is well worth your while to take in this movie because it will allow you to appreciate how much better things are for women today.  The story, which I assume is based on a true one, takes place in 1950 back when abortion was illegal and expensive (in more ways than one) to have.  This is a movie not to be watched lightly.  Anyone who is either pro or con on a woman's choice to have an abortion, should watch it.  This movies cuts no corners nor does it takes on any one side -- it's simply a story about a woman who is doing what she feels is right but to her horror finds out that the kind of abortions she is helping to make  are also endangering the lives of young desparate women who are, quite literally, dying NOT to have a baby.

That's all the movies I have time tonight to review and all three are ones I recommend highly!

~V

First off, Happy Beltaine to all of you out there!  I have a lot to be excited about today.  For starters, my friend Andrew is in Ireland and should be coming back this week full of tales to tell.  I'm looking forward to his phone call.  Secondly, three of my blog templates are available at mindsay!  Go to Pick Theme.  Select either Chocolate Cat, Kill Billy, or Kiss the Sky and you will be selecting originals by moi!!!!   The cat in the Chocolate Cat theme was a dear feline friend of mine named Nightshade -- he was a very loud cat and I thought his picture would be perfect for mindsay users.  I will be working on some new blank themes and color themes later this week. 

This Beltaine I am celebrating creativity and imagination.  So far this year I've created a Tarot deck, finished over a dozen self portraits, and have been hard at work writing several essays to get my butt back into college to finish my BFA.  Yet, sometimes it's hard to celebrate when you remind yourself how tough it is to get work and recognition for your work.  And sometimes it's the frustration that keeps you going.  And the determination to finish what you've started.  Even if it's taking me a lifetime.

I remember fourteen years ago being told that less than 10 percent of young people who enter art school actually make a career out of making art.  I came across an old college mate at a gas station the other night and I think he was trying to avoid me.  You see, he hasn't done any art in over six years!  Been too busy with a catering job, he said.  He graduated cum laude, had show after show, and he even did a summer session in New York.  What happened?  Was he too embarassed to tell me he hadn't been up to much lately?  Did he burn out?  Did he anticipate me asking personal questions?  Or did he just not like me and was hoping I hadn't noticed him?  He's not the only classmate I've encountered not doing much artistically and not the only one who wants to avoid me.  It made me feel a little sad for the old days when  I could surround myself with other artists and more anxious than ever to go back to my drawing board.

I want to do more than create, I want to make! 

Yet... I'm going to contradict myself here.  It's the amount of work I feel coming at me that frightens me.  There are times when I wish I could just push a button on my head and print out what I want to draw over having to take the time it takes to devote myself to the work.  I tend to focus on the destination, not the process.  Yet without the process, there's no work. 

It's hard to make a living at something that your average American thinks is just a hobby.  It's even harder when I've got family and friends who just consider what I do to be a hobby.  Folks only seem to value you based on what dollar sign they can tag on you and if you're not making the big bucks, then you must not be that good at what you do or you're just a damn fool.  Now, I like to do things on the cheap, but I have to watch it when I do things for free because then people will get the impression that everything I do is going to be for free.  When I do something for "free" I'm doing it for fun or as a favor for a special friend.   

Sometimes it's worse when folks think that they're doing you a favor by talking you into doing something for free.  I wouldn't be lying if I told you that, despite the amount of compliments I recieve for my talents and skills, people are always trying to get me to produce work for free.  "You'll be paid with exposure," they say, or, "I'll give you something in exchange" or "I'll give you a discount" if "you'll draw me [insert idea here]."  Now I am all for getting some free publicity every now and then, and I don't need any more stuff to fill my apartment with but free stuff is fun, yet it's peanuts for gold, kids.

I had a hard time this year so far putting a price tag on my work.  How much is too much or too little?  What would you pay for the works in progress I've displayed so far?  What sort of price tag are you putting on your work?  How much do you value yourself?  Can you boldly ask for what you deserve, even if it's not offered to you right away? 

In the progression of things, I fight laziness, hesitation, procrastination, and the second guessing that comes with that low self esteen that creeps up even when I say the words, "I've got it all under control" or "I'm doing just fine on my own" even though I've got loneliness all over me like a bad case of hives. 

I went into my closet last night and rediscovered artwork I've created that's over ten years old collecting dust.  Not everything I've done has been the work of a genius-- more like uncovering ancient scribbles of the "lost Valentina."  I think, in the end, the person whose opinion is most important should be my own.  I think my opinion of my artwork has improved over the years.  When you're more confident in what you do, it shows in your work.  My lines are sharper, more precise, and gone is the hackneyed cross hatching of a spotty art student.  I believe I'm ready to be a professional, yet there are times when I'm still figuring out what the hell I am doing.  In any case, at least I am doing something and having my fun while doing it, too.

Now that I think of it, I'd rather get a steady job as an illustrator over going back to college.  It's the company of artists I miss, not all those boring critiques and stupid assignments some professors gave me.  Whether I get a job and finish my BFA or not, I'm going to make this year count, big time, I have to, I owe it to myself.  And maybe you out there, too.

Again, happy Beltaine, and everyone out there who understands, keep up the good work, too!

~V

My friend Jen has adopted my "Kiss the Sky" design for her blog.  Visit her blog and give her love!  "Kiss the Sky" was inspired by Jimi Hendrix, of course.  The original photo of these clouds was one I took in 1996 from the top of the UWSP library tower.  It was just after a thunder storm.

Hold on a sec...  I've got more pix on the way!

Inspired by Emily's blog entry "Random (and More Random) Photos of Strangers", I decided to loot my local vintage store for photos of strangers.  I live in a small town near an antique mall so I found mostly photos that go way, way back...  I had hoped to find a few photos from the sixties or seventies, but, oh, well!  Here's what I found:

  This lady seems prim and proper, but look at her hair!  She's punk before punk was punk, well, sort of.  This was a very blurry picture that I managed to doctor up in Photoshop.  On the other side of the photo there is a handwritten note that says, "June 6, birthday, 1905."  I hope she had a pleasant birthday.

  This is Miss Bremmer and doesn't she have attitude?  I love her boots.  This was a photo sent as a postcard and the note on the back, written in Miss Bremmer's own handwriting, reveals that she sent it to someone she hadn't been in touch with for a long while...  I wonder why?  I think postcards back in the early 20th century were yesteryear's version of blogs...

  I love this picture.  I would say it comes from the '20s and the girl here has some lovely shadows falling over her eyes that make her face dramatic.  This is another photo that came with a note on back that reads "I look like a cuckoo, but the scenery is pretty, don't you think?"  I think she looks pretty and doesn't look as cuckoo as she thinks she does.  She's just chillin'!  And it looks like she's hanging out at Wolf River.  I recognize the scenery.  Kinda great to find photos of folks that you discover lived and played in your home town.  I hope the spirits of these people don't mind me commenting on their photos!

At the risk of encouraging people to stalk me, I thought some of you might like to take a look at my home.  No, I don't own the building, I just live there.  Nicknamed "The Castle", this house is a Stevens Point historical landmark and I've heard all sorts of rumors that it's supposed to be haunted, yet outside of dreams, I haven't experienced any ghosts.  I took these photos just after sunrise and the camera I used died on me that same day. 

The next three photos gave me a little surprise.  I didn't notice it when I took the picture, but there seems to be a face in the clouds next to the right tower!  See for yourself:

Perhaps the spirit of Christina Kuhl (original owner of the house) is looking upon us?  Who knows!

In the photo below, the top window inbetween the tree trunks is my kitchen window and the sign below is my parking space (even though I do not own a car, it's nice to know that I have a space reserved for visitors).  I rent a small two room apartment upstairs, just cozy enough for me.  I share the house with seven other people, most of whom are old, stinky, and eccentric.  The guy in the studio next to mine is an elderly hunchback, there's a very old bald lady downstairs who is on the verge of dying (and consequently stinks up the entire first floor), across the hall is a student from England who constantly burns popcorn, and down the hall is a Lithuanian guy who barely speaks English and runs away from me whenever I say 'hello.'  To make things even more interesting, my landlady is a Phillipino lady with a very thick accent who collects dolls and decorates the halls with garish, GARISH holiday decor.  She has a thing for snowmen and dusty plastic plants, too.  If I owned the house, I'd make a lot of changes!

Like all things, a house changes over the years.  You may not notice age in a building as well as you can in the human face, but after comparing the photos below, you can see how the house and its surrounding trees have grown and changed in over ten years:

"The Castle" circa 1995:

   Notice that the pine tree was a lot smaller, and so was the tree in front.  You can't tell in a black & white photograph, but in '95 the house was in bad need of a paint job.  The original red and green had faded to an orange and the sidings were rusty!

"The Castle" circa 2005

    My, how the pine trees have grown!  And the house has a better paint job (check the color photos for reference).  It's also up for sale.  It's yours if you want to pay my landlady three hundred thousand dollars -- not including the expenses the place needs for upkeep.  The bathrooms and kitchens definitely need an update; my refrigerator is from the '40s!

Oh, and another point of interest; my house was built by a beer matriarch -- seriously, it wouldn't have been built if it wasn't for the beer!  Here's a quote I pulled from a web site devoted to Stevens Point, Wisconsin history:

"The most grandiose and best known 1880s home in the county combines Italianate features with another style popular in the decade, that of the Second Empire of Napoleon III. With its mansard roof and columned porches, the "castle" erected by Christina Kuhl at 1416 Main Street in 1886 had two corner towers, three stories and twenty-four rooms. Christina was the wife of brewer Adam Kuhl, Sr., mother of merchants Adam and Fred Kuhl, and a heads-up real estate investor in her own right who owned choice property on the north side of Main Street between Prentice and Smith Streets. The mansion she built on the corner of Main and Prentice was a monument to her family's and her own business acumen."

A friend of mine bought this lithograph print from an antique store in Milwaukee.  I first thought it was just a postcard.  It was sealed in plastic for several years and, finally letting my curiousity get the better of me, I tore away the plastic to check out the back of the card.  Turns out it wasn't a postcard but an unsigned print.  It's in a fragile state, so I sealed it back up.  I'm guessing it might be from the early 19th century, possibly circa 1810's?  I'd be interested to see if anyone else has a better guess.

You know, I'm not perfect.  I can be a hypcrite as easily as you can be.  And I can get stupid, too.  Just the other day I replied to a girl's comments about one of her friends quitting Wicca.  I was appalled (just like rampagethruny2) that anyone would express joy at someone walking out on my faith, so I responded poorly.  It wasn't until later on that I really took the time to listen to myself and realize that I would have done the same if the situation was reversed. I would very much jump for joy and sing praises to my gods if suddenly, say, my devout Christian mother were to become Pagan -- because then we would really have something to share and truly have a better mother/daughter relationship.  But then again, I do not wish my mother to be Pagan like she would wish me to Christian.  That would be imposing on her basic human right to believe in and worship the Divine as only she knows how.  My mother would not be my mother if she wasn't Christian, and I wouldn't be me if I wasn't Pagan. 

As soon as you publicly announce who you are and what you believe, there will always be others who will want to take that right away from you.  To openly be who you are; to freely believe and worship the way you feel is right; to express the joy and fulfillment gained from serving your gods without having someone hurt you -- all of this is a simple human right that is too often taken for granted.  And to simply respect another's right to be, believe, worship and express themselves is as just as much of a duty as when you respond to the need to defend what you believe and express your opinion when you don't agree with someone else. Yet too often we quickly open our mouths and/or furiously type away our feelings without truly listening to how ugly we are sounding to someone else.  And somehow the hurt we may have caused can hurt us back.

I've been a practicing Dianic Witch for fifteen years now and when you are part of a religion that is not widely accepted and misunderstood by the general public, you will find yourself, as I have, cornered on top of a soapbox, expected to speak up and explain why I am who I am and what I believe.  I have found that, for the most part, pagans are people who think for their selves, worship with child-like abandon, and express their love for the Divine with emotional, creative passion.  Not too unlike people who practice other religions. 

I was once told that our religion is not a true religion because we don't have a Pope or a Bible or a Dogma or a "holiest-of-holies."  Truth is those things do not make a religion.  For the pagan, religion is more than just a set of rules to abide, religion is a lifestyle that fits into everything you do.  For pagans, there is no separation of the Divine and Earth; what can be found in Heaven lives right next to us, is within in us, and can be found underneath us as well as above.  Yet if you are not pagan, you cannot understand that.  You will see our ways as primitive or silly.  You will regard us as Treehuggers, Nature Nuts, or Earth Worshippers just as easily as some will claim us aligned with the Devil because our images of "God" seem strange.  The only reason why our view of God seems strange is just because it's different and it's our differences that can make people afraid, and if they fear us, they can be provoked to hate us.  Sometimes it's all too easy to fear the way others see us and be tempted to fight back with just as much hate and misunderstanding.

But if you're pagan, you already know what I'm talking about.  I don't need to explain it all to you.  Yet if you were brought up Christian, you can't fully escape your up-bringing.  I was brought up Penecostal Christian; what most folks call "fundamentalist" or "Born Again" Christianity.  I can't say all of it was bad, but certain teachings get ingrained and leak out into the ways I view the world and worship as an adult pagan.  The belief that an Apocolypse is coming is almost the same as the belief in Mother Earth dying.  The world seems to be constantly coming to end.  Things are so bad that it's a challenge to step out of your house in the morning.  We need to realize that Our Mother Earth will not die if we continue to live selfishly, it's we as human beings that will come to an end.  When you work to save the Earth and its creatures, you are actually working to save humans, too.  The Pagan Way teaches that we have this all inclusive connection, that the world will not end, it will only change.  Yet the Christian Way will have you believe, with earnest urgency, that all will come to eternal death and pain if you do not believe as they do.  This is a belief that is both seductive and dangerous; one that splits families apart and makes mothers cry.

When I announced my paganism in October of 1990, I nearly killed my devout Christian mother.  Even today, after her many attempts to be tolerant, she cannot let go of the belief that I will suffer eternal damnation -- simply because I see God differently.  I used to be very angry at her, but now I feel sorry for her.  Her personal relationship with Jesus Christ has been a comfort to her just as my personal relationship with the Gods has been for me.  My mother and I are very much alike but only in the way in which we are devoutly religious -- opinionated, passionate, spiritual, devoted; we never miss an opportunity to discuss with others what it is we believe and why it's important to believe.  Yet we are at a stalemate when it comes to who is right.  I've bent more than she has, tolerating Christian prayers and holy days, but whenever I decide to pray my way and reserve a day as sacred, my mother laughs mockingly at me or starts to weep or hands me a Bible.  She brought me up, I still know scriptures by heart, I don't need to read the Bible again.  I have my own religion, yet because of religion, my mother and I cannot really have a relationship with each other.  And there's the End Times to deal with; my mother feels so much pressure to win me over to her side when, after some thought, I really do believe I am already on her side; if we love our God and do our best to practice goodness, we are all saved.  I've tolerated her religion, why can't mine?

And why should I have to be cornered up on that soapbox and speak what I believe?  Am I testifying and preaching just like I would be if I were a Christian?  The similiarities are subtle, indeed, but they are there.  It's not as disillusioning as you would think, it is actually kinda funny.

Here's what I discovered when I first announced my paganism at the tender age of eighteen:

1.  Friends thought I was foolish and made fun of me.

2.  Some people thought I was crazy.

3. Others thought I was really cool and asked when I would cast spells for them.

Regardless of their first impression (and the first impression I made on them), they then:

1.  Tried to convince me that I was wrong or stupid.

2.  Attempted to recruit me into their religion (which was Christianity), of course!

3.  Or they asked me just about every lame ass question inspired by fictious portrayals of Witchcraft spawned by Hollywood and Christian fanaticism.

Just about everyone will become very concerned for your well being or state of mental health or they will make fun of you.  The same can happen if you decide to become a Born Again Christian, but I have found that there still is persecution of pagans, Wiccans, and Witches in the hurtful form of senseless disrespect and ill humor.

Can you think of any religion that gets more crap thrown at it?  Seriously.  Whether you're pagan or not, films like "The Craft" and "Bell, Book, & Candle" are entertainment.  "Bewitched" and "Charmed" are great TV shows, yet what do these celluloid fantasies say about how the world views Witches?  WE sure as heck DON'T fly around on broomsticks or change the laws of Physics with just the wiggle of our noses or engage in endless battles with demons and angels.  We are normal people, yet we don't sponsor major charities or have huge temples, hence we can't be taken seriously, and yet we are a threat?

I've come to the conclusion that the biggest threat Paganism poses is that its clergy and followers refuse to be sucked into the tyranny of religious thought control.  Religion is not a meat grinder for us; we cannot be turned into hamburger.  We think and rely upon ourselves.  We don't need no Bible, we write our own personal religious logbook called "Book of Shadows" -- the pages of which are the "shadows" we leave behind us on paper as witness to our growth as spiritual thinking and behaving beings.

And since when did "religion" become a dirty word?  Most pagans set themselves apart from other religions by exclaiming that they have a "spirituality" over practicing a religion.  If your "spirituality" requires you to take the traditional "year and a day" to study and learn the practices of your pagan peers, you are conforming to a religion.  And why do most pagans think that organized religion is a sin?  It's because of all the ways imposed upon us by people of other religions.  Yet when you're against "organized" religion, you get "disorganized" religion! 

Yet it's hard to organize pagans because most of them today learn their ways from books instead of becoming apprenticed to a guide or teacher.  Paganism is a religion that is growing daily, yet we are a congregation of individuals unattached to each other and all of us are boldly preaching our own way.  How can we be all one and the same?  Some pagans too easily claim themselves to be their own clergy or quickly become an "elder" before they can even reach the age of 40!  If you're not brought into the faith with guidance and a community to support you, you're going to end up making things up as you go along and that's another reason why the rest of the world regards us with a giggle or sneer. 

Eventually, after ten years of Wicca, you will hopefully come to the following conclusions as I've done:

1.  People trying to force you to believe in something you know is not right for you violates your right to religious freedom *and* expression. 

[The Christian who interrupts your conversation about the Celtic Goddess Morrigan to sincerely (he thinks) share his love of Jesus with you, is being rude.  Doing the opposite of what he does (be polite, thank him for being so thoughtful, and ask him to go away) is still respecting his religion and not making you out to be a hypocrite.]

2.  Fighting with every idiot offended by your beliefs is a waste of your time, and theirs.  There are already too many wars over religion raging today, don't be so anxious to make another one.

3.  Once you're secure with yourself and what you believe, you won't feel the need to constantly explain your religion to other people.  Not every pagan is meant to be a theologian and the last thing your friends and relatives need is a lecture on religion.

4.  Don't be offended when the rest of the world touts our sacred stories and gods as playful mythologies; you can't fight with thousands of years of religious genocide, but don't feel you are party to it if you enjoy a good "witchy" fantasy.  Today's myths were once the religious truths of our ancestors.  Pray that they forgive us and remember to remember the gifts of storytelling that they gave to us.  Let the world paint you fairytales -- and don't forget to laugh!

And not everyone has to believe the way I do, yet it sure would be nice if I could get one of my holidays to be a bank holiday like Christians do!

The weirdest thing happened to me on the way to work this morning.  I was taking a short cut through a parking lot (I was five minutes late for work) when a big black crow almost flew right into my face!  I immediately stopped walking to stare at this wacky bird and, coming at me from the direction the crow came, a semi truck crossed my path.  If I hadn't stopped to look at that crow and wonder why it was flying so low to the ground, I would not have stopped for the truck.  Now crows aren't all that afraid of humans, yet they don't normally just come flying out of nowhere in your face!  I am relieved that the crow flew by and a part of me thanks the Gods for sending it my way, coincidence or not, it saved my life!

The other weird thing I have to report is, while working on a store window display, some old guy walked up to the window while I was in there dressing a mannequin and he started yelling, "They crush your balls!  Crush the balls!  No one can stop them from crushing my balls!"  I think he had Tourette Syndrome.  I'm familiar with this disorder because my brother has a mild case of it, so I walked out to see if the guy was still there, only to find he disappeared as soon as I got out of the store.  Weirrrrd!

As for other goings on today, I recieved a strange phone call from my brother around 5am.  He called to tell me he had just gotten out of the hospital after he experienced a bit of an emotional breakdown.  He swears he wasn't suicidal, but I have the strong feeling that he was thinking about it.  Needless to say, I didn't sleep much and this whole day has me reading into things...

Oh, and last night I found something that I didn't know was missing!  It's been a month since I last walked into the media lab here at UWSP (last time I went was to make slides for my portfolio) and, just on a whim, I stopped by to borrow a scissors.  As the lab assistant was busy helping someone else, I saw a painting of mine posted on the wall.  "Hey, that's my work!" I cried.  "Are you sure?" the lab assistant asked.  I could tell that she liked it and wanted to keep it there, but the painting was part of a book my friend Andrew and I were working on.  The lab assistant gave it back to me, but I shudder to think it lost forever if I hadn't of stopped by yesterday.  Still, it's nice to know someone liked it enough to display it prominently in their workspace.  For copyright reasons, I can't show the painting here, but I can tell you that it was an illustration of the Little People of Beaver Island, Michigan.

My birthday was December 30th, 1970 and the no. 1 song on the radio in the U.S. was "My Sweet Lord" by George Harrison and in the U.K. it was "I hear you Knockin'" by Dave Edmunds.  What was yours?

http://www.thisdayinmusic.com/member/birthdayno1.php

Well, it's been that kind of weekend, full of family weirdness all due to Mother's Day madness.  It's not that I don't like visiting my mother, it's just that I hate it she lives in a nursing home.  If I had my way, and if I were wealthy, I'd have her live in a home all to herself with servants to cater to her every whim.  After so many strokes, my Mom's not the same as she used to be.  For starters, it takes longer to understand what she's saying and harder for her to understand what I am saying so talking to each other is like pantomiming some kind of silly farce.  I'm sure she hates living in a nursing home, too, but at least she's being taken care of and you can tell my Mom is awake because down the hall you can hear her television blaring some evangelist.  I haven't always gotten along with my mother because of our religious differences, yet even if I still held a grudge against her it would be hard to be mean to someone who has suffered so much.  I owe a lot to my mother, she has sacrificed a lot and did her best to raise me well and I think Mother's Day is the best chance I've got to show her that she did a good job even though sometimes she thinks she failed to be the mother I wanted her to be. 

I don't have a Hallmark-moments-kind-of-family, we're pretty damn vulgar, actually, and we find humor in the oddest, most juvenile of things.  Like, for instance, my brother and I, even in our 30's, can't stop making fart noises at each other, even in public.  When we visit our mother, things degrade even more.  My mother is in a wheel chair and doesn't have control over her lower bodily functions, so when a fart happens, it lightens the mood and pretty soon we're all weeping with laughter.

If it weren't for the farting I guess we'd all be pretty mean to each other!

Oh, and like the picture?  My Irish email pal, Paul, sent me some Monty Python & the Holy Grail pix as a joke after I wrote about my house.  Here's to you, Paul!  Thanks for the laughs. 

It's been awhile since I've displayed new art, so here's the latest...

  Like the Sphinx?  I was inspired by symbolist art about the Sphinx but not sure if my take on her went over as well as I wanted it to.  You'll notice that I worked a lot of layers of color into this one and it took several days for it to look decent.  I'm still not exactly satisified with this one and consider it more of a watercolor sketch for the Sphinx than a final portrait of her.

  Inspired by Celtic design, I attempted to place sea snakes into a very stylized shape of the Triquetra (sometimes called Triqueta).  This is also just a watercolor sketch of something I may work out in better detail later.  For now, I like it because it appears very organic...

    And two new self portraits.  In the first pic, I was attempting to paint myself in a more old fashioned kind of style with thick paint and heavy earth colors.  I believe the result was I appeared too stiff-looking.  I like the last portrait better because it appears more professional and I made the paper literally bleed with water so it has all of these lovely water stains.

I've been promising my friend, Jen, to create a logo design for her crafting business.  It was hard at first because I had all sorts of complicated ideas.  Then, it hit me one day on the way to work: the mud flap ladies on pick-up trucks!  It's a copyright free design copied down through the years -- there's even a "boy" version of the mud flap lady now.  I could do a version of the mud flap lady but have her holding or presenting the business name.  I also know that Jen is a big fan of BUST magazine and looking through that mag has been a great inspiration for some vintage/punk style logo designs.  Here's what I came up with so far... 
  

I think it's simple and easy to transfer to a label.  What do you think?

This last one was just to create one image that was different so that Jen has a little more to choose from.  However, this last image is too suggestive -- cute, but too much.  I'm anxious to see what Jen has to say...

And here is the second version of the logo I'm designing for Jen.  She loved the first ones, but wanted to see a more curvy, fat chic version of the mud flap lady...

I think she looks just as sexy with a little more meat on her, don'tcha think?

The above photograph was taken several years ago after a thunder shower.  As the sun parted the clouds, the light seems to form into a figure that seems to be emerging from the clouds.  I did not alter the photo. 

The following is another photo of the same cloud formation taken a few seconds afterwards...
 

I think it's wonderful that the sky comes out with patterns like that.

Hey, all.  My blog may look a little boring right now, but that will soon change.  I'm thinking up new blog designs and may soon create a blog site here at mindsay based just on web design and to pick the best blog designs at mindsay.  If you think it's a good idea, let me know.  And, if you have any cool ideas for blog designs, let me know.  I'm having way too much fun coming up with new templates.  I submitted six more to mindsay (my previous creations were Chocolate Cat, Kill Billy, and Kiss the Sky) and once they are accepted, I'll provide links to 'em.  I'd also be very interested to know who else out there likes to web blog design, too!

~V

Kill Billy (yes, it's a "Kill Bill vol.1" inspired design)
 Coming soon: Kill Billy v. 2!!!  Seriously, I will do it.  Read on...

Chocolate Cat

  So far I haven't seen anyone use the full header photo, but SuperSugar utilized the design to further customize her site.  The cat is my beloved Nightshade who passed away several years ago.  I miss him howling at me.

Kiss the Sky

  I have seen this blog theme really take off on Mindsay.  Very interesting to see people customize it, too. Naturesblue (among many others) has added her own spin to things; a very nice addition to her sunset colors.  Purple is popular.  (This design was inspired, of course, by Jimi Hendrix's "PurpleHaze." )

The following are thumbnails of designs that have been submitted but are not yet used by Mindsay.  Most of them are simple color themes that allow room for your own header & other custom designs.  My mission here was to provide simple themes that are easy on the eyes for visitors to your blog site and are easy to upload/customize for users:

Fuchsia

 Basic colors here will be lots of red pinks and near purple colors with blushy highlights for the font colors.  If you like pink, but don't want so much "hot" pink, this color scheme could suit you just fine.

Seagreen

  This color theme is based on my previous blog site design.  Lots of moody seaweed greens and blues here.

Basic Black

 Want a blank template that's slightly more sophisicated than your basic, blank white?  This theme has a tuxedo style to it.  Great for business or formal affairs for the well dressed blogger.

Peachy 

 These flesh orange colors are easy on the eyes -- not as hard as an acid orange.  I was thinking of dreamsicles at the time...

Ripples

 Nice and delicate watery feel to this one.

Simply Red

Like red?  This color theme will glow like rubies.

Black Lace

Another personal favorite that I think will catch on with the Gothic crowd.  It's basically my "Basic Black" design but dressed up for the ladies.

Indigo

Since so many people liked my "Kiss the Sky" purples, I decided to tone 'em deeper down to moodier blues.

White Lace & Wine

This last one is sure to be a hit and you'll see why.  Once it's approved, I will be using it for my blog site.  Lots of plum, wine, and tasty warm rose highlights with this theme.

Kill Billy v.2 (yep, it's a "Kill Bill vol. 2"-esque blog design)

   Just like I hinted earlier.  The sequel to "Kill Billy" -- basic yellows, reds, and black.

Banana Cream
  I like linking colors with food.  Take a look at this and maybe you'll get a craving for bananas and cream!

Salmon Pink
  This one's another pink infused template, but here you'll see more deep flesh tones.  I almost called it the "naked flesh" template -- the name might have sounded sexier, but I didn't want to offend anyone...

Popsicle Pastels
  If this template gets approved, you'll probably see a lot of it.  This color scheme will blend nicely if a blogger is into fairies or just simply loves pastels. 

Basic Warm Grey
Here's a different take on my Basic Black template filled with nice, comfy, warm greys.

Coming Soon:  I've got the itch, the nerve, and the wish to do a Celtic knotwork template but that may take a bit longer to do.  Stay tuned.

When these templates are approved and added to the "pick a theme" page, I will provide more links to the folks who are using them.  I hope the Mindsay crew don't get too clogged up with all my submissions!  And, please, all suggestions are welcomed.

It begged me to buy it today.  Those wigs.  Those faces.  That make-up.  How could I resist?

The WigHeaded Women are on a mission.  They need bodies to match their heads.  They walk into the local coffee shop...

And so, one hippy said to the other:

"My, this is a groovy shindig!  Can I borrow your pants?"

But, just then, a midget Bible Thumper intervened:

And it wasn't pretty.

Luckily, in the end, the WigHeaded Women were saved by LED ZEPPELIN!

Whoo... Check out the lust handles.  And Robert Plant's treasure trail.  Mmm, hm.

What a day!

Do Pagans have a messiah or prophet/ess who was born a demi-god/dess to lead people to truth and salvation?  This may be shocking to both Christians and Pagans because, yes, we do, and she is called ARADIA, also known as The Holy Strega (holy witch) or The Beautiful Pilgrim. 

Aradia (who is just one of many pagan prophetesses) was the mortal daughter of the goddess Diana.  She was sent to earth in the mid 14th century to guide and teach the poor to rise up against their oppressors and restore the Old Religion.  According to legend, Aradia was born in 1313 in northern Italy, in the town of Volterra. She gathered a small band of followers and went about the countryside teaching and preaching the Old Religion of Italy. Aradia spoke of an Age of Reason that would come, one which would replace the Age of the Son. When she departed this world, Aradia requested that a meal be held in her honor, and that she be remembered by future generations.  It is said that she will be born again in the Age of the Daughter and many witches of the Old Religion in Italy and Dianic Wiccans teach and believe that we are living in that age today.

And yet, because she was a woman and a leader of the poor heathens who lived and worshipped gods other than Christ, theologians and scholars debate whether or not Aradia, the Witches' Queen, Pagan messiah, had ever truly existed.

The time in which Aradia was said to have been born is significant because it heralded a time in Italy when women were taking very active and creative roles in the church, even in societies where their voices would normally have been repressed such as that of Guglielma of Milan.  Guglielma's sect, known as the Guglielmites, believed that Guglielma was the incarnation of the Holy Spirit and wished to establish a church with a female pope and female cardinals.  The sect had an interesting social life in which there was equality of the genders. There was no emphasis on virginity or celebacy in the sect, though a good number of the female members were widowed or unmarried. What is interesting, is that the members of the sect crossed social boundaries. There were very wealthy people involved, as well as poor servants. Membership ranged from the ruler's son, Galeazzo Visconti,to the poor seamstress Taria and the serving maid Bianca. On the ground that Guglielma had wanted her devotees to remain together as a family, they held frequent commemorative meals in her honor. Reportedly there were attempts throughout the 1300's to continue the remembrance of Guglielma, by hiding her in paintings and calling her by another name.

The theme of a female messiah, a commemorative meal, and the prophesy of a new age, may have led to the formation of the legends of the Witch Messiah, Aradia. 

The Italian Inquisitor Bernardo Rategno documented in his Tractatus de Strigibus (written in 1508 AD.) that a "rapid expansion" of the "witches sect" had begun 150 years prior to his Time.  Charles Leland, 19th century folklorist and author, in his account of Aradia "Gospel of the Witches" (Il Vangelo delle Strege), includes a legend about the "beautiful Pilgrim" preserved among Tuscan peasants for generations: "Then having obtained a pilgrim's dress, she traveled far and wide, teaching and preaching the religion of old times, the religion of Diana, the Queen of the Fairies and of the Moon, the goddess of the poor and the oppressed. And the fame of her wisdom and beauty went forth over all the land, and people worshipped her, calling her La Bella Pellegrina (the beautiful pilgrim)."  

In 1962, T.C. Lethbridge (former Director for Cambridge University Museum of Archaeology and Ethnology) published a book called "Witches", which does refer to Aradia in several of its chapters: "it is reasonable...  to form a picture of the witch cult at about A.D.1400... Aradia was sent to earth to teach this art to Mankind. That is, she was, in the opinion of her devotees, a personage, known in Hindu Religion as an Avatar, who taught them how to harness magic power. Aradia, at some far-off time, may have been as much an historical person as Christ, Krishna or Buddha..."

Way before Gerald Gardner and Doreen Valiente established modern-day Wicca, the Old Religion was practiced by the pagans of Italy who gathered nude to worship a god and goddess of the moon when it was full.  During their times of worship, a feast of cakes and wine was consecrated and consumed, and there was much singing, dancing, and making love.  For those who believe Gardner invented these concepts, bear in mind that prior to Leland's "Gospels...", the Old Religion was an oral tradition, nothing was written down in books mainly because most of the practicitioners were poor and some could not read or write.  "Aradia, Gospel of the Witches" was written in 1890, over half a century before Gardner's writings. Some contempoarary pagans believe that the Strega Tradition is therefore based on modern Wiccan tenets. However, the timeframe does not support this, as these concepts clearly pre-date the Gardnerian movement of the 1950s from which modern Wicca evolved.

Want even earlier proof that Witchcraft is as ancient a religion as Christianity?  The ancient Roman poet Horace gives us perhaps the earliest accounts of Italian Witches and their connection to a lunar cult. In the Epodes of Horace, written around 30 BC, he tells the tale of an Italian witch named Canidia. Horace said that Proserpine and Diana gift powers to the Witches that worship them and that they gather in secret to perform the mysteries associated with their worship.  Horace also spoke of a Witches' book of chants, invocations, and spells (Libros Carminum) through which the moon may be "called down" from the sky. 

Italian Witches were hand copying from the Key of Solomon in the 17th century, and mixing it with spells and rituals from their private hand written books.*  Francesco Guazzo wrote in his 17th century Italian Witch Hunter's Guide that witches use a black book from which they read during their religious rites.**

Sources: *Journal of Social History, volume 28, 1995, article by Sally Scully, Department of History at San Francisco University.  **Compendium Maleficarum 1608.

We also know from  the writings of ancient Roman times that Proserpine and Diana were worshipped at night in secret and that their worshippers gathered beneath the full moon, abandoning the cities where the solar gods ruled.

Evolved from ancient and medieval sources, Witchcraft is a pagan religion than can be simply described as duotheistic magico-religion; hence it is a religion that reveres a god/dess (more than one god being that god as a set of "parents" -- male and female is worshipped; where gods are not exclusively revered in a full pantheon that is more ethnically based) whose followers practice (carry out, perform) their religion with magic ritual (rites that are performed to bring about certain events and affects; a very proactive form of prayer).

Many of today's Wiccan incantations and rites originated with this simple charge by Aradia:

• "When I shall have departed from this world,
  Whenever ye have need of anything,
  Once in the month, and when the moon is full,
  Ye shall assemble in some desert place,
  Or in a forest all together join
  To adore the potent spirit of your queen,
  My mother, great Diana. She who fain
  Would learn all sorcery yet has not won
  Its deepest secrets, them my mother will
  Teach her, in truth all things as yet unknown.
  And ye shall all be freed from slavery,
  And so ye shall be free in everything; p. 6
  And as the sign that ye are truly free,
  Ye shall be naked in your rites, both men
  And women also: this shall last until
  The last of your oppressors shall be dead..."

In the 1950's, the Charge of Aradia was changed and added to by Doreen Valiente into the modern Charge of the Goddess that nearly every Wiccan today uses:

• "Listen to the Words of the Great Mother, Who was of old called among men Artemis, Astarte, Diana, Melusine, Aphrodite, Cerridwen, Dana, Arianrhod, Isis, Bride, and by many other Names.
• At My Altars the youth of most distant ages gave love, and made due sacrifice. Whenever ye have need of anything, once in the month, and better it be when the Moon is Full, then shall ye gather in some secret place and adore the Spirit of Me, Who am Queen of All Witcheries. There shall ye gather, ye who are fain to learn all Magick, yet have not yet won its deepest secrets: to these will I teach things that are yet unknown.
• And ye shall be free from slavery; and as a sign that ye be really free, ye shall be naked in your rites. And ye shall dance, sing, feast, make music and love, all in My Praise. For Mine is the Ecstasy of the Spirit, and Mine also is Joy on Earth, for My Law is Love unto all beings.
• Keep pure your Highest Ideal; strive ever toward it; let naught stop you or turn you aside. For Mine is the Secret Door which opens upon the Land of Youth; and Mine is the Cup of the Wine of Life, and the Cauldron of Cerridwen, which is the Holy Grail of Immortality.
• I am the Gracious Goddess, Who gives the Gift of Joy unto the heart of man: on Earth, I give the Knowledge of the Spirit Eternal; and beyond death, I give peace, and freedom, and reunion with those who have gone before. Nor do I demand sacrifice, for behold: I am the Mother of All Living, and My Love is poured out upon the Earth.
• Hear ye the Words of the Star Goddess: She in the Dust of Whose Feet are the Hosts of Heaven, Whose Body encircleth the Universe.
• I, Who am the Beauty of the Green Earth, and the White Moon amongst the Stars, and the Mystery of the Waters, and the Desire of the heart of man, I call unto thy soul: "Arise! And come unto Me!"
• For I am the Soul of Nature, Who giveth Life to the Universe: from Me all things proceed, and unto Me all things must return. And before My Face, which is beloved of gods and men, thine innermost Divine Self shall be enfolded in the Rapture of the Infinite.
• Let My Worship be within the heart that rejoiceth, for behold: all acts of love and pleasure are my rituals. And therefore let there be beauty and strength, power and compassion, honor and humility, mirth and reverence within you.
• And thou who thinkest to seek for Me, know thy seeking and yearning shall avail thee not, unless thou knowest the Mystery: that if that which thou seekest thou findest not within thee, thou wilt never find it without thee.
• For behold, I have been with thee from the beginning; and I am That which is attained at the end of Desire."

If you're a pagan and you don't believe that pagans don't have a need to listen to someone else's messages of truth, you are in sore need of better appreciating your elders.  Put down your Wiccan books and study some history.  Look deeper into the leaves of the past.  Ask why we worship the way we do and who were my foremothers and fathers? 

It may have gotten convolulted through time and spiced up in legend, but the point of the message is still sharp; other wise it would not have survived.

Most people convert to paganism because they have been disenfrancised by other religions and they think that this path will be free of the whole "dogma being shoved down your throat" system.  A lot of pagans hate institutionalized religion and prefer to be alone to believe and practice as they please.  Some leave our religion because they find out that it's really not the free ride or cool trip they first believed it to be.  Sometimes it down right sucks to be a witch because there is so much witchy bullshit out there, it's hard for even those first learning about the religion to weed through.

Others *do* seek more truth -- about themselves and the other worlds -- that they can't get just being on their own all the time.  You can buy a book to help you out, but you still need the company of a priest/ess who has had more experience and can give you hands-on training. Yet it's rare to come across the pagan priet/ess who is truly qualified to be a priest/ess!  Also, most young pagans are not scholars and, if they are learning from another young pagan just as unschooled in the religion, chances are they have yet to discover Aradia's gospel. 

There is a revoltion coming, the Age of the Daughter is in full swing and changes are brewing.  Witchcraft is no longer such a secret cult, information is spreading fast, and lives are being changed.  Power is shifting from the individual to the community again. 

Are you ready for a witch messiah?

In my spare time, I created another blog template:  The Magenta Lady.  The illustration in the left corner is an original of mine.  You can peek at the header below:

The image and words are based on an old song by INXS called "The One Thing."

And here's the original drawing:

I really should put my name on it, but consider it clip art by me for now.  More to come later tonight!

And speaking of templates, some of my new designs are coming to Mindsay soon.  There's a few bugs in them that need to be taken out first, though.

God/dess is too big to fit into one religion and what matters is that you not only believe, but that you love the God/dess/es you worship.  Before reading the following, remember that we all have the human right to believe and worship as we see fit for ourselves.  The following is only part of a conversation I'm having with another pagan...  (This was written in response to personalvision's blog on Pagan Paths which I thought all of you might find interesting, especially if you have questions about Pagan Religion)

"I think the main problem on my mind is the discussion on what religion is and what belief is..."

Religion is the service and worship of a god/dess based on a personal set or institutionalized system of attitudes, beliefs, and practices held with ardor and faith.  Too often people consider religion to be a sort of nasty word, indicating an organization they do not or no longer want to be affiliated with i.e.; "organized religion" such as the various demoninations of Christianity and Catholicism. 

Belief is a state of mind or habit in which trust and confidence is placed in a person or thing.  Belief is a giant part of religion but it is not the sole basis of what religion is.

"The first mistake of a pagan is to talk about their belief path as if it was an all inclusive one..."

Then you definitely made that mistake when you first assumed that all pagans think like yourself.  The impression a lot of young (and when I say young I don't mean young as in young age, but more new to the path) pagans have is that our religion is simply a "spirituality" where you are free to make your own kind of religion.  Sure, you don't have anyone preaching down your throat about what you should and can't do, but you can't have religion without an organization of beliefs, practices, and attitudes that were set by someone else who was apppointed by our God/dess to lead our people. 

I take it that, in speaking of a "belief path" you must be referring to a "tradition?"  Neo-Paganism is a contemporary form of paganism; an umbrella term to generally describe all people currently practicing a modern form of paganism yet it is not meant to claim we are all the same.  The personal "belief path" (your idiom) of a specific pagan is can be a more individually defined or even a community defined religion for that person.  

We currently have too much diversity and it is difficult to get pagans to agree completely.  For starters, none of us hold the patent on God like other religions claim to do, we are generally more understanding and easy-going with others who believe differently, and some of us are working to preserve and reconstruct the pagan religions and traditions of cultures who are besieged by the spiritual-genocide of Christian influx.

The main thing we don't have in common with Christians, and one in which Christians find threatening about us, is exactly that; we encourage others to think and believe as they choose despite what they teach as an absolute truth.  The more pagans there are in the world, the less chances they have of owning the world's hearts and minds. 

"If we pagans start declaring "prophets" then we are just another group in the god race to the best wisdom and the biggest following..."

But that's just the thing.  Our "prophet/esses" have been silenced, their words and teachings buried, our religion underground and misunderstood, even considered evil all because it stands in the way of those who claim to "own" God/dess.  Whether we want to be in it or not, we're placed in "the god race" because we are a Religion.  The wars that are being waged in this world are a result of people who oppose how another race sees God/dess; if we, as individuals, can't be won over by their ways, we are considered deluded, and if we fight for the freedom to believe as we choose, we are not only lost, we are the enemy.  Personally, I don't like being anyone's enemy, but because I am vocal about what I believe and worship, and support the right of others to practice a like religion, I am made an enemy.

This is why many pagans choose to maintain a private, more intimate relationship with their gods; this is defined as being "solitary."

"Wisdom is a gift to be shared, but it is also a tool to be used, and if you use another’s words without making sure they fit with your personal truth, then you have removed some of the potential for them to actually do good.  To me that’s what the term prophet does, it removes the responsibility to think about the actual words." 

This statement has me concerned.  Religion has been used by other cultures to corral the masses into one mindset, true.  That is what happened throughout history; religion used as a source of power over others and not used as it should be -- to be a source of power you find within yourself.  Some people become victims to the "power over others" religions because they are naive, idealistic, and vulnerable; they are lonely and seeking community, are seduced by the promise of salvation, and are wounded, dependent emotionally and spiritually on others for survival.  This is why some pagans reject even the term "religion" to describe our "belief path" because they did not fit in with the religions that are used to control people.  We don't promise people salvation, we leave that up to them, but what are elders and prophet/esses have promised is how to learn strength and be more self-reliant, that God/dess is there not above us, but all around us, gifting us the power to save ourselves.

A true prophet is a spokesperson who utters divinely inspired revelations, one gifted with the insight we do not yet posess, who works for a spiritual cause, doctrine, or group.  Prophet/esses do not work solely for the right to be worshipped as a spiritual entity, yet it is my firm belief that they have God/dess living inside them, often channeling messages from God/dess -- it does not make them more perfect than we are, but it should give us a sign of hope that God/dess can work through us on such a personal level, that they care about us so much that can come down to our level.  It is nearly impossible for human beings to clearly understand and define God/dess, but it's not impossible for God/dess to understand and love us.  We are their children and we do need guidance.  Prophet/esses are just one way the gods come down to earth for us, but not the only way.

"If I where to always follow the words of another human because they were older then perhaps it’s not a path that I am on but a place that I am in. Discussion and change are the hallmarks of our chosen paths, the many voices coming together. The conditions you talk about are the conditions perhaps for your coven or group or path but not necessarily mine. That may take me out of someone’s definition of Wiccan, but it also firmly places me as one by others."

Age does not make an elder, but experience does.  One of my teachers is eleven years younger than I am!  And some of the people I have taught are twenty years older than I am.  Discussion is good, but there comes a time when talk is just talk and it gets no one anywhere.  At some point, people have to put their differences aside and let a leader steer the people into a direction where we can work together and support each other.    

In each society, culture, and religion, conditions written and unwritten are set in order to protect and serve the people's interests.  Some people will stand outside of those boundaries and decide to be on their own; this only makes them different, not rejected.  If you consider yourself Wiccan, and others also have the opinion that you are Wiccan, than who's to say you aren't?  Wicca is just one part of Neo-Pagan culture, but it is not the all-defining set that makes Neo-Paganism what it is.  

You will have to further clarify who you are and you may find that, once you do, your definition of yourself will change as you change.  I may say that I am 3rd degree Dianic Wiccan and Strega, but in reality, I am just an American Pagan -- just one more drop in the melting pot of a larger religious movement that seeks to once again bring back the old ways.

Hopefully that will make more sense to you, too.

~V   

Okay, so I just spent waaaayyy too much time creating the following blog templates!  It is 3:30am and I can't stop my creativity... must go home and sleep... must get out of this computer lab... It's going to be a cold walk home, too.  The things I do for fun...!

Sexy Girl and Sexy Boy are both illustrations of mine that I never used for anything in particluar.  Why not dress them up and submit them to blog users at Mindsay?  Click on the next two images to see the full preview of the blog templates... 

Both of these characters could use a back story.  Did they kiss each other?  Or did someone kiss them?  You decide and, once these templates are accepted by Mindsay, include your own take on these characters in your blog!

Lunar Cycles should be a hit for all you lunatics out there:

And if you missed it before, here's a preview of Celtic Twilight:

I used another image of my cat NightShade for the Black Cat Power template:

Then later on this week I was at work and got inspired by one of this season's colors:

Paisley Sage

After reading some way cool mysteries that take place during Restoration England, I was inspired to take an element of ornamentation from that era and create:

Rapscallion Vermillion!

For those of you who missed it the first time I presented her, The Magenta Lady is a sexy 80's inspired template with lyrics based on an old INXS song "The One Thing."  The illustration is an original of mine.  You can peek at the header below:

And here's the original drawing:

I really should put my name on it, but consider it clip art by me for now. 

What's to come later on today/tomorrow (and then I will stop creating so many templates): Tequila Sunrise, Psychedelic Flames, Sinister Kiss, and Ancient Reflections.

I'd write a story to these postcards, but I think the images say it all!

Well, I've almost done designing templates.  Here's two more for you all to see:

Psychedelic Flames

Tequila Sunrise

As with all of my designs so far, all of them can be customized to suit your fancy.  All I've done is provide some great color schemes to take all the think work out of designing your blogs!  Let me know what you think and don't forget to scroll down below for other previews.  My last two designs will be a gothic theme featuring my original artwork called Sinister Kiss and one that's more organic I call Ancient Reflections. (If you've been keeping track, that's 29 new blog templates I've created so far -- I think I went a little over board but cascading style sheets are so much fun to create!)  My goal was to create templates that are good enough to eat, so you'll notice that many of them have titles and colors that are food/drink related.

If I could put an image in the "quick update" thingy, I'd put:

I AM FEELING...

You know, Princess Leia should've had a bigger role in the whole "Star Wars" saga.  She's just as important as Luke Skywalker, yet Lucas focused on him more.  Episode 4 starts out with Leia standing up to Darth Vader, even though she knows she's been caught and will possibly die, she's biting at the Empire til the bitter end -- I would've liked to see more of her story.  It was one thing for Leia to lose family and loved ones when Alderan got blown up by the Death Star, but to lose an entire world she called home?  No wonder she got close to Luke and Han because they became her only family after that destruction.  In 'Empire' Leia is reasonably distraught when Han is preparing to leave, but now that I think of it, Han really was an asshole to assume her agnst had only to do with her feelings for him.  I'm still pissed off over what Han said when Leia told him she loves him as he's about to be frozen in carbonite.  "I Know."  What kind of response is that?  That wouldn't make me want to save his scruffy ass.  And by the time we get to see 'Jedi', Leia is just kinda there to play with the Ewoks and be Ms. Supporting Role to Han and Luke.  I mean, come on, she's a princess!  Was I the only one who noticed how cool and calm she was after so much strife?  I think Leia would have been a better Jedi than Luke.  Luke was this whiny, impatient, cocky little farm boy -- all he had to deal with was being left on the farm while his friends went off to the academy.  Boo-hoo.  His story is way more boring than Leia's.  Leia had to deal with far greater problems.

And what happened in between episode 5 and 6?  Suddenly Luke is matured and less cocky and Leia seems to be taking more of a back seat.  There are many moments in 'Jedi' when she's quiet -- was the grief of the world she's lost finally catching up to her?  Did she fight with Luke?  What gave?  I haven't read the books about the saga, I'm just talking about the holes in the films' story here. 

Same goes for Leia's mother.  I've been hearing reports that in episode 3, Padme's role is written kinda wimpy.  I'm not surprised that George Lucas has done that because he does tend to present strong women in his films, yet they all tend to fall apart over men.  In SW 1 & 2, Padme is a senator and was elected royalty on her home planet at the age of 14 no less; she had to have been considered something of a genius.  Episode 1 started out with her being a strong leader, cool and calm and collected as a Jedi.  By the time we get to episode 3, she's weepy and strung out over Anakin?  Please.  I don't even think there was much of a love story between them anyway.  The dialogue between Padme and Anakin was superficial, corny, and had me rolling my eyes.  Lucas is better at writing battle scenes than love stories.  The human drama in the first episodes is lost admist the junk of the action and glitz of special effects.  

Maybe Padme and Leia just have a thing for bad boys but the unwritten message is that these strong women are fine on their own but lose it all over the guys.  Leia is the daughter of Anakin/Darth Vader, yet Obi-Wan just over looks her -- Yoda knew there was another, yet Leia was just a "spare hope" in case Luke blew it.  I'd be interested to see what you all think, but I still think Leia would have been a better fitted to be The Chosen One. 

After seeing episode III, I have to say that I can foresee the whole Star Wars saga becoming kinda endless.  There are lots of stories within stories that have yet to be told and I don't see an end to the public's interest in them.  What do you think would be the most kick ass new series spin off from the original six episodes?  Here's what I think...

Han Solo's life would seem to be perfect for a much more film noir kind of outer space adventure saga.  Whenever you have an oppressive Empire, you end up with a massive underworld filled with gangsters, smugglers, assassins, bounty hunters, and the like.  In Star Wars add rebel spies, eccentric aliens, and possibly exiled Jedi to the mix and you get a wilder, high octane kind of epic.  Can you imagine a series like "The Sopranos" meets "Bladerunner" but with Han and Chewie?  I'm sure the various books and comics have detailed the other worlds of Star Wars, but we have yet to see them on screen.

Seems like I am constantly drowsey lately and I can't sleep well during the night.  It gets to be 4am and suddenly my mind wakes up and I start thinking like mad about things that really aren't all that important, things I can't ignore or forget that wrestle me out of my bedsheets.  I am restless with ideas; ideas for stories, ideas about the spirit world, ideas about love, ideas about celebrities, you name it.  It's like my mind is tuned into several different television channels at once or I'm hooked up to a machine where I can't keep my eyes closed like in Clockwork Orange.  My Muse lately has been a harsh mistress, she restlessly squirms inside my mind like a hungry tapeworm who wakes up early in the morning and prods me to feed her my thoughts.  Before I can rest, I have to write my thoughts down otherwise she'll eat them all up and I'll forget them.  By giving this personal phenomenon an imaginary "body", somehow I have to make peace with myself so I can learn to sleep normally again.  In my handwritten journals, I engage her in conversation, trying to persuade her to calm down, but then, when I allow her to "answer" me, I know why she is there torturing me: I HAVE GOT TO GET OFF MY BUTT and do something more meaningful with my life.  Whenever my days are just filled with going to a job where the only difference I make is to make money for someone else, I think I go insane with apathy.  I rent movie after movie to fill up my imagination but what good is an imagination if I'm only using it to lose myself in someone else's created reality?  This insomina is a real bitch to tame.  Because of this restless humor, I end up nodding off to sleep all day and can only be truly awake at night when the rest of the world is turned off.  I can't stand it.  I used to love being awake all night long, but it sucks when you're awake yet don't have the energy to do anything.

And I have to do something SOON.  It's been a long while since I posted artwork, so maybe that's the ticket.  I've got to make some art or lose my mind.  That's why I think I'm an artist sometimes... 

When you love a science-fiction so much that you hurt yourselves over it, it's time to get back to reality.

I love sword fighting and working up a good sweat while imagining my best friend is a villian.  I used to really dig live action role-playing games, too, but, as I said in my last post today, what good is an imagination when you're only using it to fool around in someone else's created reality?

Just repeat after me: "It's only a movie.  It's only a movie.  It's only a movie..."

(now if you can guess where I pulled that quote from, I will crown you Geek of the Year!)

• Finish something you forgot to finish.  Like I just looked over some old ideas and decided to tackle finishing my fortune telling playing deck project as my main priority.  Finishing something gives me a sense of accomplishment and so there's no more room for feeling useless.
• Get off your butt and clean your apartment and don't stop until everything is done.  Once you're done cleaning, reward yourself by taking yourself out to eat.
• If you eat out a lot like I do, to make yourself feel better, avoid a fast food joint and go to a nice sit down restaurant.  Order a healthy salad and eat some fruit.
• Buy yourself a gift.  Don't plan it, just walk into a store and do it.  It doesn't have to be expensive, just something little will do.  I found some little bottles of cologne on sale for a $1 and that did the trick for me one day.
• Unplug from your computer or television set and play some music that's been gathering dust in your collection; preferrably something silly, perhaps from your childhood.  Weird Al, Falco, Devo, and Sique Sique Spudnik do it for me every time!

Inspired by the 36 card Lenormand fortunetelling system, these card original card designs (by me) are referred to by their images and meanings, not just by their suit or number. 

The Aces

Ace of Clubs (Ring), Ace of Diamonds (The Sun), Ace of Hearts (Gentleman), Ace of spades (Woman)

The Ace of Clubs, known as The Ring, deals with bonds, vows, marriage, relationships that bind one person to another for good and ill.  If you draw this card with the frowning face on the ring facing you, it portends bad marriages and broken vows.  If you draw the card with the smiling face beside you, you will have a good, harmonious relationship with others.

The Ace of Diamonds, known as The Sun, brings illumination, optimism, happiness; outlook good.

The Ace of Hearts represents a man and the Ace of Spades represents a woman.  These cards are pulled out of the deck to indicate the sex of the significator (person asking questions).  Usually in a reading, when it's a man asking the questions, the reader will take the Ace of Hearts and place it in the middle of the table.  Nine cards are drawn and placed around the Ace of Hearts.  If the Ace of Spades shows up close to the Ace of Hearts, perhaps the man is asking about a woman or is about to meet a new woman -- the relationship will be defined by the surrounding cards.

The Jacks (or Knights)

Jack of Spades (Child), Jack of Hearts (Valentine), Jack of Diamonds (the Scythe), Jack of clubs (the Rod)

The Jack of Spades is The Child; she brings trust, children, and innocence, maybe even a little foolishness.  She is generally good but she can be a brat if surrounding cards indicate disharmony.

The Jack of Hearts carries a Valentine; the eyes indicate whether or not the romantic sentiments are wanted or not.  The left eye is angry, the right eye open and alert.

The Jack of Diamonds is a man carrying a heavy Scythe; he indicates that something is about to be cut or someone(thing) needs to be cut from your life.

The Jack of Clubs is the general holding The Rod; he always brings war, conflict, adversity.

The Kings

King of Spades (Lillies), King of Hearts (House), King of Diamonds (Fish), King of Clubs (Clouds)

The King of Spades is King of the Lillies; he will either support or critique your work.  Look at his eyes.  Like the Valentine card, one is more open than the other.  In all matters, this King means business, gives attitude, and is the one responsible for handing out rewards.

The King of Hearts has the House on his mind; he indicates domestic life, fruitfulness, prosperity, family, and projects that could be considered "close to home."

The King of Diamonds likes to play with the Fish; he takes you away from the doldrums, bringing fun, luxury, and a little bit of laziness with him.

The King of Clubs is a storm of Clouds; you're in danger if your significator (Ace of Hearts if you're a boy, Ace of Spades if you're a girl) is close to his dark side.  If you're close to his bright side, you'll be okay.

The Queens

Queen of Spades (Flowers), Queen of Hearts (Stork), Queen of Diamonds (Crossroads), Queen of Clubs (Snake)

These were my favorite to draw!  The Queen of Spades is your friend; she brings an abundance of love and indicates contentment.

The Queen of Hearts holds the Stork; meaning that change is coming and that you may have to sacrifice your time/energy for someone else who is younger or weaker than yourself.

The Queen of Diamonds finds you at a Crossroads; she tells you that some major decisions have to be made.

The Queen of Clubs is a caretaker of the Snake; she whispers all sorts of gossip --  of double-dealings, jealousy, hypocrisy, and petty politics.

The Sixes (not complete)

Six of Diamonds (Birds), Six of Hearts (Tree)

I still have 18 more cards to finish, so this is just a preview of how the next ones are coming along... 

The Birds indicate troublesome thoughts and feelings; a person maybe so busy asking too many questions that they miss the answers.

The Tree deals with health issues, energy, and sex (just look at the trunk, nice, eh?).  In fact, now that I think of it, I believe this card I got wrong!  It's supposed to be the SEVEN of Hearts.  Oh, well.  I'll fix it later...

I also did an experiment previously to see what the cards might actually look like.  Here's what I came up with:

I want to create these cards as a "reverse" of the traditional playing cards.  The above are just rough thumbnails for now, I will have to consider more when it comes to the "numbered" cards.  But that's all for now!  I need a life...

  I'm an artist, unmarried, childless, living free, bored, old, and I need to change my body.  I think this because after my most recent health check up, the doctor I saw made me feel weird about my age.  I'm a woman, 34 years old, and so I suppose it's typical for the doctor to ask me if I have children, if I'm sexually active, and if I ever plan on having any kids.  I usually answer: "I don't have any.  Sometimes, but not too recently.  And, no, don't want any, thank you."  So then this doctor gives me this condescending look and says, "You might want to consider someday changing your mind soon..."  And then I'm told I'm going through the stages of Perimenopause!  I didn't know such a thing existed, but then again, it makes sense after I go through the list of symptoms...

I'm experiencing terrible bouts of insomnia, night sweats, anxiety, severe mood swings, and intense cravings for sweets.  I get migraines whenever I don't drink at least one 12oz soda a day and, after I quit smoking (thinking that quitting nicotine would help kill off my anxiety attacks) I am now addicted to chewing gum!  The nights that I do get any sleep, I get really awful nightmares.  My last one dealt with having sex with a giant frog while a crowd looked on and made rude comments.  I'm used to having very mild menses, so when my last Moon cycle made me feel like I was the bloody version of Nigrara Falls, I got concerned.  I've been trying to lose weight but have had trouble with fatique that I nod off during the day and, of course, end up tossing and turning at night.

But what I can't stand at times is the horny flashes -- where I am so damn horny I am dizzy with desire.  It's like my body is betraying me.  I get this irrational fear of having sex again, like my body is going to absorb semen straight into my womb whether I want it to or not!  Talk about a nightmare there.  I could make a good horror movie based on that -- a woman having to battle off loads of semen because if she gets pregnant she could die!  Can you imagine.  It'd be something like "Dawn of the Dead" but with all these guys shooting cum all over the place turning women into mindless baby making machines and the only safest place for women to go is the mall...

And I just thought I was going through my "dirty thirties."

This is all due to hormonal imbalance.  Great.  Why didn't my mother ever tell me about this shit?  And why the hell should some doctor judge me for not wanting children?  I want to bust this ticking time bomb of a biological clock and go back to bed -- in peace.   

Are you tired of seeing cutesy naked fairy women?  I decided to create a fairy man that I hope straight women and gay men can adore.  If you like or don't like this guy, please leave a comment or two!  I know you're all looking at him...

If anyone would like to colorize this fairy man, reply and I'll send you more details.  Maybe we can get a fun coloring contest going?

Well, I managed to finally fix some of the problems with my original blog template designs as well as create a new one based on my love for kooky old vampire movies.  For the vampire blog, click on the following thumbnail to see the full original illustration (all created for you crazy Mindsay users out there)...

I'll add more art later.  I must go home and take a break.

My new blog templates are: Lunar Cycles (the design you see here), Tequila, Sexy Boy, Sexy Girl, Magenta Lady, and Romantic.

Well, I was going to write a bit about applying for a job I want but I just took a look outside and it looks like we're under a tornado watch.  Ever since surviving a horrible tornado experience (8 touched down in one evening) when I was in my early teens in Springfield, Missouri (1983)... Oh, wait.  I have to leave the computer lab.  The national weather service has issued a severe thunderstorm warning.  It is BLACK outside.  I better go.  I'll write more on Severe Weather Phobia when it's less scary outside!

****(okay, after coming back 3 hours later)****

As usual, Stevens Point is prone to strong storms but very few tornados touch down here (doesn't that sound like a football term?), in fact, most of the tornado warnings and watches are laughed at because these storms move north to Wausau.  But I know better than to laugh at a storm.  People don't control the weather.  We can all be at the mercy of the sky with little to no warning...

The scariest experience I survived was a disaster that hit Missouri in the early 80's.  It started out like a normal summer day but then, within 15 minutes, the sky went all dark and green.  I was home alone, my mother was at work, and my brother was at a Math club field trip.  I was only 14 years old and had lived most of my life in Milwaukee, Wisconsin where we don't get very many bad storms.  Yet, when those sirens went off and I saw people scrambling for shelter, I still didn't know what to do or expect.  My mother was a college student at the time and we could only afford to live in a trailer park which is the most dangerous place for anyone to be during a tornado warning.  Lucky for me a neighbor led me to the one house in the area that had a basement. 

Just as we were heading indoors, there was a wall of moving clouds in the near distance and I wanted to stop and watch.  Within seconds the clouds looked like they were falling and I didn't realize that I was seeing the formation of a tornado.  It wasn't like I expected it to look like and it was definitely not like in the movies.  I ended up spending several hours with strangers in a stranger's house's basement.  These people were used to severe weather and they tried to keep me calm by serving me a popsicle from their freezer.  To this day grape popsicles remind me of thunder, wind, and being under ground.  Not scary, but a comforting memory that I try to recall to keep me calm during a storm.

I think the weather reports are more horrible than the actual storm itself.  The loud beeping noises interupting programs are meant to alert you to danger, but for me they bring up this anticipation of disaster that still gives me goosebumps.  Anyway, back to 14 year old me -- I remember we were keeping track of the storm by listening to a small transister radio.  Right when the DJ was in the middle of explaining something, the radio went dead and we heard a very loud ripping noise followed by an inhuman howling wind noise and a shudder that shook the walls all around us, as if the house had just yawned.  Suddenly the calm the strangers around me had was broken.  Something had just happened to the house! 

About forty minutes later, when it was safe to venture outside again, we discovered that the front side of the house was missing and so were many of the trailers.  Only three places remained intact and one of those places was my family's trailer.  An oak tree that my brother and I loved to climb had been bent over our trailer in a seemingly protective pose.  I was in shock.  No one was weeping or crying out.  We all just walked around in a daze.  The last thing I remember was looking down at the soaking wet, writhing with many, many worms ground. 

I'll never forget it.  I will always respect the weather because of it.

Acquitted or not, Michael Jackson is still a messed up weirdo!  If he weren't famous, his case wouldn't have gotten the media attention.  Michael Jackson is guilty of being innocent in the fact that he is most likely mentally ill, perhaps trying to relive the childhood that he never really had, yet why should we care anyway?  Michael Jackson is a celebrity and that affords him the luxury of being a protected weirdo.  He doesn't really live in the "real" world now, does he?  The man looks like an anime cartoon character!  However, even though I know his face and his music, I don't know the guy, therefore I can't judge him.

But, seriously, the big lesson here is that fame is not the great thing we all grew up thinking it can be; once you're famous you're victim to public scrunity -- you no longer belong to yourself, everyone will take a bite out of you, especially when you're down.

The following are a few mermaids.  I'm planning to use these drawings for a special new blog template. 

I have yet to color them.  Other ideas for new blog templates will be "Zombies" and "Dragons."  What do ya think?

My Irish pen pal, Paul, has a friend who recently visited Horn Head in Donegal county, Ireland, and took these pictures... (click on the pic below to look/see!)

The pictures are awesome and really made my week.  Makes me want to vacation there.  Paul sez: "Now if we could only get the weather over here to stay like that for longer than 30mins we would be just fine!"  Thanks, Paul, you're the coolest pen pal ever. 

Yes, folks, it's the first in a series of BIG MAMA GOTH comic strips. Enjoy!

~V

I finally colored these mermaids.  Now I will most likely make them into a potential blog template...

Here's the latest in my multi-cultural fantasy series.  She's the Black Fairy Queen!

  I can't tell you how much I love my next best favorite movie: "A Dirty Shame" -- John Water's latest escapade into the realm of white trash humor.  My favorite quotes from this movie:

"I've got a hard-on of gold and my tongue is on fire!"

"Let's go sex-ing!"

"Come back to the penis where you belong!"

"Hello, my name is Sylvia Stickles and my clitoris is in crisis."

"Ma'm, my name is Ray Ray and I'm here to service you..."

You won't see another movie quite like this one, folks.  Where else are you going to see a mother and daughter chat about fucking an entire biker bar, a landscape of lusty trees and bushes, perverts taking over a neighborhood like the living dead, squirrels getting it on, and Johnny Knoxville starring as a supernatural sex healer named Ray Ray?  Plus after seeing Chris Isaak half butt naked on a toilet, I realized that the man is pretty damn hot.

I wanted to see this movie in the theatre last year, but because of its NC-17 rating and raunchy subject material, it would've been a snow day in Hell before it would be screened in Stevens Point.  The funny thing is, this movie wasn't as bad as some of the movies that have been released as rated R.  I mean there is literally no actual sex taking place in the movie!  Oh, well.  In any case, if you love this kind of humor, you'll dig this flick.  I rented it last night and it's going to be returned late to the video store because I'm going to watch it again tonight!  I'm terrible like that... 

Oh, and if you're a John Waters fan like I am, you'll be interested to know that Cry Baby -- the Director's Cut just got released on DVD this week, too.

Speaking of taking stock and looking ahead to the future, I gave myself a Tarot reading... (I will use the cards I painted this last winter to illustrate)

Subject: 8 of Wands
Things seem to be moving very fast all around me, but I feel like I'm standing still. Everything I do seems to revolve around being alone at home or in front of a computer and I'm watching life go on with or without me outside.  I'm also thinking a lot and recieving strange dreams that give me inspiration to creat more art.  Usually this is a card denoting messages and that's the definition that really rings a bell for me right now.  There seems to be a lot of words and images on the astral switchboard for me lately.  Trouble is, I barely have enough energy to do it all.  I long for something more... 

Immediate Circumstances: 7 of Pentacles, Page of Cups, Strength, The Empress

Well, the 7 of Pentacles finds me doing what I can to finish what I've started.  The Page of Cups portends a possible offer or good news coming my way I don't know about yet.  The Strength and Empress cards tell me that anything adverse coming my way right now I can handle and I should probably expect most of my problems stemming from my hormonal imbalance.  The best way to deal with things is to create, create, create until something I've finished gets someone's attention. 

Past Influences:  4 of Wands, The Lovers

In the recent past I was pretty secure about my own feelings and desires, yet not sure about other's intentions towards me.  My response was to live alone in a cave for awhile so I could have some peace.

Surrounding Influences: King of Swords, 4 of Cups, The Star, 8 of Cups

The King of Swords next to the 4 of Cups tells me that I'm thinking too much.  It also means that the more bored I am, the more apathetic I tend to be.  The Star coupled with the 8 of Cups warns of false hopes and delusions that I need to let go of.  I guess I'm still getting over not having any heroes to worship and I still have a lot to learn about turning to myself for real inspiration.

Future Influences: Page of Wands, Knight of Pentacles, The Hierophant

There's playfulness in my near future with the Page of Wands, yet next to the Knight of Pentacles, it's business mixed with pleasure, or I'm having fun with work details.  That makes sense because I tend to think of my 'vacation time' as boring and being busy is more fun.  The Hierophant denotes confrontations with people who aren't free thinkers, though they like to think they are unconventional.  I must look out for hypocrits again, I'm afraid.  I should not let other people's uptightness bring me down.  I can only please myself.

Outcome: 10 of Cups, 2 of Wands, King of Pentacles

It's nice to see these cards because they bring a happy ending to my reading here.  The 10 of Cups brings me some satisfaction as well as a "family togetherness" love kind of happening in my sector of the planet.  The 2 of Wands brings some control and clarity.  And the King of Pentacles could bring an opportunity for expansion.

Looks like I shouldn't worry too much.  And here I was hoping I'd foresee some kind of romance in my future.  Or lots of money.  Thing is, readings don't work like that.  I use the Tarot as a tool to focus on my issues and try to see past my own bullshit.  Not easy to do.  This was just a summary. 

New blog creations based on 18th century sources:

The Swing (one of my favorite paintings)

Hogarth (after one of my favorite artists)

And one from the 1970's:

Retro 70's: "Turn Her On" (I made use of some vintage clip art I found in the public library!)

And a few refreshing drinks:

Have a glass of Beer on me!

Or take a sip of Wine

And chill out with some Ice Water

Maybe you'd like some Peaches?
Play some Celtic Blues...
Or turn up the heat with Flames!

Some other ideas I have for new blog templates: Medieval, Victorian, Elizabethan, Disco, and Baroque (to name just a few).  I've gotten addicted to creating templates with CSS.  It's what's been keeping me going this summer.  Enjoy them.

I'll be taking requests for blog template ideas.  Post one here and I'll do what I can to create one based on one of your ideas.  I'll be here all week.  Be sure to tip your waitress...!

By the way, just because I am taking requests, doesn't mean I can do every one that comes across my inbox.  I also encourage as many Mindsay users out there to do their own themes, too.  If there's something I can't do, or you want a different header but like a design myself or someone else has done in the "Pick a Theme" page, I recommend you visit http://blogheaders.mindsay.com/.  The way cool ladies there can possibly make a header for you. 

Thank you all for your interest.

Okay the following isn't accepted yet, but since you viewers out there are enjoying this as much as I am, I have some template previews to show you.  It was a challenge, but I managed to find some copyright free Asian images to create the China Girl and Japan Lady templates (previewed below):

Thanks, krommos for the suggestions!  Below are a few other ideas I had: Fireworks, Deep Purple, Jupiter Rising, Elizabeth I, Fortuneteller, and Discoball.  Hope you likey.  

Again, any and all suggestions will be considered.  Creating CSS's are my hobby this summer.  It keeps me from being lonely and bored!  Coming soon (later this week): Happy Holidaze, Snow Hands, Summer, Winter, Ancient Rome, Cleopatra, Goth Girl, Swashbuckler, and Dragons!

Why do I do what I do?  I make stuff in order to keep myself occupied.  When I have nothing to do, I end up obsessing about why I don't have a boyfriend and that makes me depressed.  Sometimes I just create to relieve my heartaches, too.  I don't get out much, yet I love people.  However I love my solitude even more.  I go from a social butterfly to a complete recluse in about five seconds and then back again.  I guess you could call me an extroverted introvert, if there is such a thing...

Where I am when I'm online:  I don't have a computer at home.  I do all my design work at a university lab and carry all my data with me on zip disks.  Really.  I do.

How long it takes me to create art:  I've never timed myself and it all depends upon what I'm seeking to create.  An ink drawing may take just a few minutes or several hours.  I'm not sure why people ask me this question.  Those who do ask are usually people who are not artists.

What my art process is:  soapboxtop asked me this question awhile ago, and since I've been emailed this question several times now, I feel compelled to post it again now...

1. I pencil sketch thumbnails of an idea for an image on scrap paper (I have lots of odd paper lying around and that's how I recycle it).
2. Next I trace the ideas/sketches onto transfer paper.  The reason why I do this: better to create nice, smooth, crisp lines.
3. I then layout the drawing onto bristol paper or board.
4. Then it's time to ink.  I use a no. 2 sable brush and drafting film ink {Higgin's "Black Magic" ink is best because it's the darkest -- India ink tends to be watery and grey}.
5. For finishing touches (just in case my brush was too dry and it spattered) I clean up with a photographic eraser and fine tune my lines with a fine felt tip drawing pen.
6. For lettering, I use an old fashioned quill dip pen.

Where I get my ideas from:  From everyday reality, plus I have a very active dream life.  The other night I couldn't go home until I finished the blog templates I last made.  My head was swimming with colors and images.

What I am working on right now:  I've got this fabulous animation/comic strip project for the holidays.  It's about Santa Claus's illegitimate daughter, Nastasha, and her best friend Big Mama Goth and their wild band of drunken elves, obnoxious fairies, and lesbian gnomes.  Last summer I read John Waters' "Crackpot" (thanks,mamachameleon for the gift!) and really got inspired by his obsession with Christmas; how it's such a freeloader's kind of holiday with this great sense of magic and wonder. 

Yet, not everyone celebrates Christmas.  I'm pagan, I celebrate Yule, and I do get annoyed when people wish me "Merry Christmas" instead of "Happy Holidays!"  And there's loads of other people who practice other religions that each have a significant holiday in winter and it's annoying to try to remember all of their holidays, too.  Why not create a holiday everyone can enjoy?  And why be nice all year long just to get one lousy gift that's usually not something you really wanted from your Aunt Ethel?  Why not have a universal holiday where being naughty gets you a prize?  So, yeah, it's questions I come up with like that they get my mind rolling.

Basically, what I want to do is create a cartoon or a film based on these ideas.  And that's probably what I will post next: comic strips I've been meaning to complete for many months now.  See, I use my blog here to light a fire under my own ass.  That's why I've posted so much work here.  I'm making sure my creative juices don't turn into moldy goo.

I just read what I wrote.  Am I crazy or what?     

UPDATED: 7-19-05 The following features some previews and these themes may or may not be accepted by Mindsay.  Also, material below is subject to change during the creative process/public demand!

What's yet to do (based on recent popular requests):

Colors: Opalescent, Verdigris, Glitter, Gold Sequins

Holidays/Occasions: New Baby, Happy New Year

Places: Hawaii, New York

Military: Marines, Army (Uncle Sam), Navy

Music: Velvet Elvis, Rock History, Country Western

Animals:  Monkey, Dog, Kittens

Fantasy: Fairies, Ghosts, Sorceress, Wizard

Random themes: Road Trip, Fortune Cookies, Old Cars, Bellydancing, Hello Sticker, Mardi Gras

Art & Styles:  Industrial 

Characters: Courtney Love

Plants/Nature: Seashells

History: Old West Bordello, Ancient Rome, Swashbuckler, Atomic '50s

What I've done so far: Photography, Extreme Sports: Dirtbike, Diving, Scuba Dive, Stained Glass, Gothic Angels, Paris, London, Ireland, Tie-Dye, 60's PsychOut!, Halloween, Sweethearts, Happy Birthday, Paradise, African Queen, Ripped/Torn Paper, Message in the Bottle, Punk, Ms. DJ, Hard at Work, Massage Parlor, Sanctuary (images courtesy of an image CD I found by Creatas Images), Air Force, Red Dragons (no silver highlights, sorry, it didn't look right), Daisies, Guitar, Drums, Sandy Crab (with photo donated by leedman) , Singer, Veggies, Spring, Winter, Summer (with photo donated by leedman), Happy Holidaze!, Goth Girl (with an original illustration by me), Snow Hands, Snake, Crows, Silly Sci-Fi (based on 1960's vintage sleaze), Spork Attack! (this one had me cracking up all the while I was doing it!), Horses,Tiger Jungle, and Dolphins.

I'm going to be taking my time with any other requests to come and concentrate on more color and blank themes. 

My head hurts.  I just did a vast amount of design work.  And here's some of the illustrations I've done over the week that I meant to share earlier:

Above is the "African Queen" that I might use for a blog template header.

Below are fan art illustrations of Courtney Love that might also be used as a header...

I wasn't totally satisified with these images, but, who can tell, later on I might change my mind.  For now, I need to take a big break from the computer.  It's the 4th of July weekend and I'm looking forward to getting some "me" time.  Hope you all have a great one!

Okay, so I'm sitting in the mall food court eating a bratwurst when a guy comes out of the men's restroom with his pants unzipped...  I just happened to look up at that moment.  I was watching the news coverage of the London subway bombings, so I was totally emersed in that unfolding drama and didn't notice right away that the guy with the unzipped fly had been standing there in front of me.  He wasn't ugly or ordinary looking.  He had really bright blue eyes and would have been really cute if he hadn't of had slicked back hair like some sleazy 1950's type greaser.  In fact if he had been a '50s greaser, he would've gotten my attention better, maybe.  Now, I don't know about you, but, seeing public nudity does not impress me.  It really takes a lot to impress me, much less, shock me.  Right in the middle of my next bite of bratwurst, the guy took out his penis -- a flaccid penis, mind you -- and jiggled it at me.  His lips were locked in this quasi-sexy grimace.  I just smiled nervously because I didn't know why he had jiggled himself at me.  Before I could swallow my bite of bratwurst, he quickly tucked it in and went on his merry way. 

Peculiar. 

He kind of looked like this guy in the vintage '70s ad below:

Again, it takes more than a flaccid penis to get me excited.  Still, the guy did give me something interesting to write today...

Now, I don't know about you, but I don't drive and in order to get around town I take public transit, a.k.a. "the bus."  Every now and then some cities, in order to boost the morale of commuters/riders and encourage people to use public transit, set aside a day or two for "free rides."  I take advantage of it as often as I can, yet there is something I really can't stand when those free rides take place; teenagers by the bus load taking up the entire back seat areas and talking as loudly as three year olds.  It totally disrupts the bus riding experience and harkens me back to the days when I had to take a bus to school. 

The public bus usually has mostly adult riders and usually I don't have to ask an adult to tone their voice down a notch just so I can have some peace on my way home.  Now, I remember what it was like to ride a bus to school -- it was very loud with kids yelling and screaming.  I don't know how any of the bus drivers managed to stay sane and not want to drive kids off a cliff at the end of the day! 

In any case, there are rules of courtesy on a public transit bus that kids in general are not taught to have whenever they ride the bus to school: no food or drinks on the bus, no yelling, no running around while the bus is in motion, and keep your feet off the seats.  Today I had to share my bus riding experience with a bus load of free loading teenagers who usually hang out at the local mall.  Normally, these kids are, for the most part, can be polite, especially compared to other city kids, but today they were insufferable.  They were so obnoxious on the bus that the bus driver had to pull over and ask them to get out.  They wouldn't.  One of them even called their parents on a cell phone.  After the bus driver was yelled at on a cell phone by a pissy parent of one of the said teens, I got off the bus and just yelled my fucking head off at the kids.  "A bus driver is not your babysitter, you idiots!" I told them and they all got quiet.

You see, I work and live in a small town and these kids know me to be a cool adult.  I work at store that sells the kind of stuff they like, incense and imported jewelery.  They didn't expect me to lose it, but they deserved a good yelling at.  Yet I did feel a little like an old hag doing that, still, come on, common courtesy is so greatly desired.  Give me a break, guys! 

Okay, so once upon a time there was this chic who had a very famous father.  So famous, his name was known by just about every kid on every block in the entire world; Santa Claus. Because he was so well known, nobody knew nothing about her or her unique powers or her way cool friends with just as unique powers.  Fed up with life at the North Pole, Natasha Claus decides to quit the family business and create her own holiday, one which would rival the popularity of her father's!

Here are the sneak peeks at the characters:
Natasha is a very sexy girl...  She's like a cross between Barbarella and Courtney Love.

Her sidekick Mistletoe is a Snowflake Fairy; make a wish on the very first snowflake to fall on the first night of winter and you might get him to do you a favor (but it might not be the kind of favor you want)...  You'll notice that Mistletoe doesn't have any wings.  That's because he still has yet to hit puberty!

And here's a few helpers to get the holidays rolling:

Nina and Gregor are disgruntled elves.  They've had enough of catering to good boys and girls!  Nina's look was inspired by Cookie Mueller and Gregor is an s&m version of Vin Diesel!
   
And who can forget Natasha's best friend, BIG MAMA GOTH! I kinda based her on me, btw.

 Here's my designs for the big man himself and his little lady.  I tried to imagine a Santa who's a cross between Kevin Smith and Billy Bob Thorton.  Mrs. Claus's look is inspired by the way my own mother looked in the late '60s, but I beefed her up a bit to resemble Divine!

I don't have all the specifics for the story done... right... yet.  I've been lazy, plus creating a lot of blog templates for Mindsay which I will shortly be taking a long break from for awhile.  Stop by here later this month for updates on this project.

Now I am going to go home and have some calories and chill out in front of my refrigerator because I have no air conditioning! Ack.

Well, it's been a hot couple of days here in Stevens Point and I have the heat rash from hell to prove it!  There's this little tradition every July that happens downtown called "Crazy Days" where all the downtown businesses have sidewalk sales.  So the following are a few pix from this year's experience: 

This is the place I work at on weekends.  There's my co-worker, Sandy, giving you all the universal hippie peace sign with both her hands.

This is Dala.  A lot of customers think she's my mother or my aunt because we kinda look and dress alike, but, no, we're not related, not even by a long shot!

And this is Jim, an old friend of mine who visits Point at least twice a year.  This picture is really funny because I wasn't expecting him to walk into the store at that very moment, hence his wide grin!  Jim is probably the oldest friend I still have and we keep tabs on each other via email.  He knew me way back in the late 80's when I had purple hair and was trying to be singer.  He had big hair back then, too. "Memories...!"

Here's Dala again. This time she knows I'm walking around with a camera and she's fighting the urge not to throw her water glass at me!
Some of my lovely customers here. However, I noticed a strange "orb" of light hovering above them. I think it's a cloud of dust kicked down from the ceiling or perhaps a disturbed little spirit shaken from upstairs where there's a crew working on making the top half of the building into apartment spaces.

I'm glad these sales days are over.  I was so drained, sore, and sweaty! 

I've had a strange night.  While trying to sleep last night (I went to bed at about 3am), I heard a male voice whisper my name loudly, "VALENTINA!"  Now, before you all call me psycho, I just want to mention that it's one thing to "hear voices" and quite another to quite literally HEAR a voice; I guess what I'm trying to say that it's a spiritual thing.  So what did I do?  I woke up right away and listened, wondering if it was a dream or an actual person in my bedroom next to me.  That's when the voice said, "Help me!"  Hearing the voice for a second time and this time after I was standing up out of bed, I scramble to turn on the light and find out where the voice had come from.  By then, there was silence. 

So I check the news several hours later and find out that there was a shooting in my best friend's home town in Racine, WI.  Nobody I know was killed, yet this alarmed me and has left me in a state of near panic all day.  I'm also concerned because my other best friend's boyfriend is from Racine as well and the guys who got shot and survived are all in the same age range (20 - 24) as both Andrew and Damien.  After being held up by gunpoint last year in Milwaukee (an incident which forced me to move back to Point), I'm terrorified of guns and shootings.  I pray that everyone is okay and, hey, if you catch my blog today, Jen, please let me know you guys are okay!

In the last few days, I've seen a few old acquaintences that I haven't seen in several blue moons.  A couple of these guys I did not get along with in the past.  In fact I think they hated my guts, yet, after eight years, it's like the past was erased in their minds.  Perhaps they grew up.  Perhaps I still need to.

First off, I almost got married ten years ago.  Glad it didn't happen because Tom was not a good match for me.  He liked to make decisions for me and he had control over my bank account and took out loans in my name to buy a new car.  Then he convinced me to max out all my student loans so we could pay the rent one year.  That was stupid of me.  He was certainly not my "one and only" after all that.  I went into some serious debt and my credit is ruined, yet still people from my past think I broke up with him over someone else who would've been an even worse match for me...

There was one guy I really had a serious crush on who made it big in the comic art industry.  I never expected a romantic fling with him, I basically looked up to him and hero worshipped him and this probably annoyed him as much as it flattered him.  Despite the many times he inflicted his hyper-criticism on me and talked to me in a patronizing way, I think I really loved him like someone's biggest fan would.  In fact from him I learned how NOT to treat someone who looks up to you!  Before he moved to California, I wanted to hook up with him one last time to tell him some nice things about how I learned so much from him over the years, but he kept putting me off, I left him a bunch of nasty phone messages over that, and then, over one last conversation on the phone, he promised he would "have lunch with me sometime" and I took him seriously.  I anxiously looked forward to it, knowing in the back of my mind that it most likely wasn't going to happen.  He had hedged.  Yet you would expect a friend of six years to have at least told me that he didn't want to see me anymore!  

I still don't like it when people dump me without telling me good-bye. 

Then one day I over heard his friends talking about me and they were laughing and mocking me behind my back.  I was humiliated.  I had known Brandon for many years, even though he was often mean to me, I had thought we still had this comraderie from college, and I didn't believe he would say the things these guys were claiming he had said behind my back.  They always teased me and called me "the Goblin Queen" but the biggest blow was when Brandon himself told everyone how I had a thing for him.  He did this silly dance and sing-songily said that he feared I would become his stalker!  I was devastated by that.  What an ass! 

I know I should forget this, but when those idiots from my past coming walking up to me acting oh, so nice, and say how good it is to see me, I can't help but remember how they treated me, how they made me feel like a fool.  Yet their cruelty NEVER made me lose my faith in myself.  Of course, I was a lot younger then and was just learning how to handle relationships, but it still stings whenever they ask me, "So, did you ever get anywhere with Brandon?"  No!  And I really didn't ever want to anyway.  I think I just wished he had looked up to me like I had looked up to him.

And these old friends of mine should know better NOT to ask about Tom.  That sets me off into an excited, angry chat of how he married a racist and ended our friendship right when I was at my lowest.  I was broke and homeless the last time I talked to Tom and all he had to say was, "if I help you out, you'll only end up in trouble again."  Bullshit.  I survived.  I still have bad credit, but I get by, and I don't want to hear from Tom ever again.  Yet there are those who can't help but ask me to remember...

Let's skip back ahead to 2005 now and one of the guys who berated me over my poor choices in men, Nick, comes walking into my store.  He told me that Brandon did a lot of drugs back then and that he's a much nicer person now.  I say, "whatever" but my mind says "so that explains his behavior."  He would be nice one minute and then nasty the next.  He was also paranoid that someone would stalk him, Nick said, but, still, come on!  Then Nick predicts that someday I will meet Tom again, and when I do, that I should tell him that he said, "hi." 

How many colors of "I don't care" must I paint for these people?

All I can say is ever since that spring of 1994 (okay, so it has been over a decade), I don't look up to anyone like that I did Brandon and I certainly don't ever want to be a relationship like the one I was in with Tom.  I'm cautious about who I choose to be my heroes now.  Sad for me to say that, but it's true.  The girl I used to be is still inside me somewhere and she will not forget.  Is this how women become strong?  Or am I just being bitter?

I think I deserved better heroes.

UPDATED: 7-29-05 Well, folks, I'm narrowing down the ideas and focusing on themes that are more color oriented.  I was going to do more historical themes, but the image producing process is taking up too much time.  What you see listed below may, most likely, will be the last themes I will create for Mindsay -- until I get seriously bored and take up some old ideas again.  I'm also limiting things to color and blank themes, too, so that users can continue to customize their blogs. 

Colors: Opalescent, Purple Popsicle, Green Popsicle, Pink Popsicle, Blue Popsicle, Bubbles, Amber

Holidays/Occasions: Happy New Year, Wedding Cake, Graduation

Places: New York, Las Vegas, Batcave

Animals:  Snowy Owl (could also be a Harry Potter tie-in theme?)

Fantasy: Fairies, Ghosts, Sorceress, Wizard (possible HP tie-in theme? maybe...)

Random themes: Glamour, Bellydance, Mardi Gras, Yarnballs, Cherry Top Cake

Art & Styles:  Waterhouse, Fight Club-esque

Characters: Velvet Elvis 

Plants/Nature: Seashells, Thunderstorm, Waterfalls

What I'm working on getting permission from Warner Bros. to do: Harry Potter themes!

And here's all the blog themes I've completed and have accepted by Mindsay so far:  Old West Bordello,Verdigris, Glitter, Gold Sequins, Photography, Extreme Sports: Dirtbike, Diving, Scuba Dive, Stained Glass, Gothic Angels, Paris, London, Ireland, Tie-Dye, 60's PsychOut!, Halloween, Sweethearts, Happy Birthday, Paradise, African Queen, Ripped/Torn Paper, Message in the Bottle, Punk, Ms. DJ, Hard at Work, Massage Parlor, Sanctuary (images courtesy of an image CD I found by Creatas Images), Air Force, Red Dragons (no silver highlights, sorry, it didn't look right), Daisies, Guitar, Drums, Sandy Crab (with photo donated by leedman) , Singer, Veggies, Spring, Winter, Summer (with photo donated by leedman), Happy Holidaze!, Goth Girl (with an original illustration by me), Snow Hands, Snake, Crows, Spork Attack! (this one had me cracking up all the while I was doing it!), Horses,Tiger Jungle, and Dolphins.

Other themes I've done (that you might not know I did):  Deep Purple, Celtic Blues, Tequila, Flames, Ripples 2.0, Zombie Army, Kill Billy Red, Kill Billy, Black Cat, Chocolate Cat, Retro '70s, Romantic, Kiss the Sky, Jupiter, Discoball, Beer, Wine, Grimoire, Bananas, Strawberries, Sexy Boy, Sexy Girl, Mermaids, Magenta Lady, Vampire, The Swing, Hogarth, Fortunetell, Elizabeth, Japan Lady, China Girl, Goth Girl, Ice Water, Lavender, Peaches, Sweet Sage

I listed all of these, not to show off, but to figure out (for myself) just how many I have done.  Have I gone theme crazy or what? 

There used to be one on every block.  Right around the corner.  Or at the front of a grocery store.  Now they are disappearing.  One by one.  With no warning.  Not everyone has a cell phone.  Instead of just walking across the street to use a public phone, I had to walk several blocks to find one of the last remaining phone booths near a gas station.  I have to get my own phone hooked back up, but, for the meantime, could The Man stop taking away my precious phone booth?

Strange coincidence...  I have rescued two cats in the last three days.  One was my neighbor's kitty, Tigger.  I found him panting on the stairwell with his back fur sticking up.  Poor thing was so hot, as soon as I got him indoors, he lapped up water like there was no tomorrow. 

And just now I heard a little "meow!"  At first I thought it was an actor imitating a cat (I'm in the courtyard of fine arts building at UWSP and right above me is a theatre).  So I "meowed" back.  Out comes a calico tabby cat with big green eyes -- just the cutest thing as can be -- and I'm reduced to baby talk, making "mow-mow" kitty noises that always used to calm my cat, Nightshade (when he was still alive, and boy, do I miss that little guy).  The "mow-mow" kitty noises worked, I call campus security, and the cat is now happily at the station eating some tuna fish.  I think both cats came in from the heat. 

With the record high temperatures we've been having this summer, people need to be aware that the heat not just effects us, but animals as well.  Keep your pets inside where it's cool.  If you have a/c, leave it on low for your kitties and doggies at home!  And don't forget to keep them well watered, too. 

You're Ulysses!
by James Joyce
Most people are convinced that you don't make any sense, but compared to what else you could say, what you're saying now makes tons of sense. What people do understand about you is your vulgarity, which has convinced people that you are at once brilliant and repugnant. Meanwhile you are content to wander around aimlessly, taking in the sights and sounds of the city. What you see is vast, almost limitless, and brings you additional fame. When no one is looking, you dream of being a Greek folk hero.
Take the Book Quiz at the Blue Pyramid.

Whenever I get really bored, I just head down to the mall and take a few pix of myself at the sticker booth.  I miss the old fashioned photo booths -- the kind you used to find at K-mart or at train stations.  But these will do for now.

Well, folks, I'm finally a little bored with making blog templates.  I'm not saying I'm quitting, I'm just saying there's only so much I can do with css that every browser can handle.  Also, I've been looking around at other people's blogs and I realize that most of you out there customize anyway.  There are also many users who provide headers for other users (try saying that too fast it almost sounds like a dirty joke!).  I'm just glad I've put together some color schemes (my favorite thing to do is color the scroll bar and set the links to do cool things).

What I really need is a real day job where I can put my creativity to its best use and get paid for the things I do for fun.  And what I do for fun is stuff other people get paid a lot for.  Thing is, whenever I apply for web design jobs, I get overlooked and I really don't know how to nail a job I'd be perfect for.  I guess I'm lamenting over not being fully employed.  I get really depressed when I'm not doing something with a higher purpose.  Sometimes time on my hands inspires me to make something, but for the last couple days I haven't been feeling all that enthused about creating. 

I have a watercolor painting at home that I have to finish, but my heart isn't in it.  I have comic strips written, but not drawn.  It seems like I've hit a block and that makes me sink into despair for no reason other than I feel like unconnected to the rest of the world.  I think what started my block was running into old friends who are getting married.  Just about everyone I used to know is busy with their loved ones whereas I am home alone making art and being lonely!

I guess I need to get out.

I have a very close friend whom I panick a little bit every time I'm about to hear from him.  He just thrills me and gets me worked up.  I hate it.  But after a few moments, I warm up to him again and everything is okay.  Yet there's always this feeling I get that makes me fear him a little.  I think I always anticipate some bad news from him.  I don't know why.  Maybe because I'm too close to him, I don't want to get hurt. 

I know I said I was going to stop soon, but here are the latest templates I've completed...  they are still pending approval from Mindsay for your use!  Let me know what you think.  Also, fee free to suggest a few here and there -- especially color schemes!  What colors would you like to see?

Colors: Opalescent, Purple Popsicle, Green Popsicle, Pink Popsicle, Blue Popsicle, Bubbles, Amber

Holidays/Occasions: Wedding Cake

Places: Batcave

Animals:  Barn Owls

Random themes: Glamour (based on an original illustration by me), Mardi Gras, Yarnballs, Cherry Top Cake

Art & Styles:  "La Belle sans Merci" by Dicksee, PallasAthene (by Klimt), Böcklin's "Isle of the Dead"

Characters: Velvet Elvis 

Plants/Nature: Big Red Fish, Seashells, Thunderstorm, Waterfalls

What I'm still working on: Fairies, Ghosts, Sorceress, Wizard (possible Harry Potter tie-in theme? maybe... working on getting permission to do just that!),  Fight Clubesque, Isis, Native Beads, Book of Kells (yep, it'll be a Celtic theme, and ya can't believe how complicated it will be...)

It's not often that I quote someone else on a holy day, but I just had to post this today.  Thank you, Miya!  And blessings to all you this harvest.

"May blessings find each of you and your loved ones on the celebration of the first harvest.
Know that my heart is with you and you will be remembered in my prayers.

"That which we have nurtured
is coming to fruition
time to begin the harvest
time to reap our rewards

"May our lives be as that seed
nurtured with our love
our hearts and spirits growing
the Mother reaping Her rewards.

"In Her loving service --
Miya...

And with that, I wanted to post something else dear to my heart that my friend, Paul had to say recently:

Paul sez: "I would love to see this read out aloud in Stormont Castle where the n.Irish govornment sits..."

Sit down and bargain
All you like grizzled old foxes
We'll wall you up in a splendid palace
With food, wine, good beds and a good fire
Provided that you discuss, negotiate
For our and your children's lives
May all the wisdom of the universe
Converge to bless your minds
And guide you in the maze
But outside in the cold we will be waiting for you
The army of those who died in vain
We of the Marne, of Montecassino
Treblinka, Dresden and Hiroshima
And with us will be
The leprous and the people with trachoma
The disappeared ones of Buenos Aires
Dead Cambodians and dying Ethiopians
The Prague negotiatiors
The bled dry of Calcutta
The innocents slaughtered in Bologna
Heaven help you if you come out disagreeing
You'll be clutched tight in our embrace
We are invincible because we are the conquered
Invulnerable because already dead
We laugh at your missiles
Sit down and bargain
Until your tongues are dry
If the havoc and the shame continue
We'll drown you in our putrefaction

Primo Levi
14th January 1985

"Thanx again for your kind prayers Valentina! Your amigo Paul! ;-)"

Peace be with everyone!!!  Sincerely yours, Valentina

Hey, all!  My Bellydancer template was said to be too racy.  Heh, so now I can say I'm too sexy for Mindsay?

Do you all think it's too much?  Reply with your vote and let me know, otherwise I will have to change it.  It's a collage of vintage bellydancing album covers.  You get extra snap points from me if you recognize the dancers!

Well, folks, I got a letter from Brian (dustball) today and he told me that they thought that my Bellydance template was not appropriate for a default Mindsay template because the subject material could "possibly harm" the Mindsay community.  I still believe, as do several of you, that it isn't.  It's simply a bellydancer template!  Since, in the opinion of some Mindsay staffers, Bellydancers are considered mildly offensive because they are sensual, they voted not to allow it, yet, as Mindsay users, we are allowed to personally and privately express our sensuality as we see fit.  We just can't have a default template that is sensual.  Yet I have submitted other material that could be deemed "too sexy for Mindsay" and have it be accepted.

Here's the repsonse I got from Brian:

Hi Val,

I understand your frustration.

With each theme, we ask ourselves the following question:  Is this theme more likely to benefit the MindSay community, or harm it?

Let's pretend we had a bunch of racist themes.  Obviously, this would harm MindSay.  Racism isn't the image we want, and we would be foolish to promote such themes on our "pick theme" page.  Hopefully you can agree that certain themes are more likely to harm the community the benefit it. 

But -- how do we know which ones are more likely to harm vs. help the MindSay community?  We don't.  We take a best guess.  We are only human and will make mistakes.  This is a subjective question and people have different ideas.  So we just do the best we can.

Also, we don't censor anyone on MindSay - as long as people aren't breaking laws, they can put whatever they want on their blog.  If someone wants to take a particular stance on a certain subject, fine, we let them.  But it would be a different story if MindSay did that on its own page -- we would never intentionally shoot ourselves in the foot by alienating a large portion of users. 

Likewise, our default themes should not alienate users. Because MindSay is made up of all different kinds of people, we try to have themes that would appeal to everyone.  Or better put, themes that don't offend. 

In addition, keep in mind that anyone on MindSay can "customize" so that it includes your belly dancer graphic!

In short - we are just trying to keep the site as appealing as possible to as many as people as possible.

-B

And here was my response today:

So you have some great ideas for a blog theme but all you know how to do is make a header?  If you are familiar with Adobe Photoshop, already know how to paste in html color hex codes, and you already know how to customize your blog, you can do css by my tried-and-true "cut and paste" method. 

The following is the first part of a series I call "css cheat sheets" and this one will show you how to colorize your scroll bar, set your background color (or picture), and make your text pretty. 

1.  I would suggest you first download (or is that upload?) your header pic and open it in a program like Adobe Photoshop.  Use your "color picker" -- that little eye dropper icon -- and move it over various colors already in the picture.  Next click on the color highlighted on your toolbar and this will bring you to a box that will show you the hex code as well as a little screen that displays other related colors.  This should help you determine what colors look best.

2.  Next open up a program like Microsoft Frontpage (or you can just skip ahead to the Mindsay "pick a theme" page and select "submit") and copy/paste the following:

body, td, xmp
{scrollbar-DarkShadow-Color:#______;
scrollbar-Track-Color:#______;
scrollbar-Face-Color:#______;
scrollbar-Shadow-Color: #______;
scrollbar-3dLight-Color:#______;
scrollbar-Highlight-Color:#______;
scrollbar-Arrow-Color:#______;
background: #______;

*Paste the above at the very top of your css document!  This is the beginning of the page.*

3.  Now, everywhere you see a "______" paste in your color hex code.  For example, if you want a hot pink color, replace that "______" with "#FF3399"

=============

Don't want just a color for your background? Want a picture for your background?  Copy and paste something like the following:

background:#ffffff url('http://i14.photobucket.com/albums/a329/bigmamagoth/mb19.gif');

This is the background url for the "Singer" template.  I used a web site called Photobucket.com to store many of my header and background pictures.  Notice that I also included a background color code, this is so that, say, if the picture doesn't load -- I still have a color I can provide the user.  It's especially useful if the browser won't accept the picture for some reason.  Both 'gifs' and 'jpgs' will work, usually!

========

After pasting in the above codes, next you'll want to move on to text.  Copy and paste the following right after the background #______.

font-size: 72%; color:#______;
font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;
  text-align: center;

}

*Don't forget to include that last little "}" -- it indicates the end of the section.*

You'll want to pick fonts that are fairly universal and readable for most computers and users such as "Times New Roman."  The standard font size is 72% on Mindsay, but also keep in mind that users can always customize their fonts, font sizes, and font colors, too, so your template will look different on several bloggers pages from time to time.

===============  Coming up next: How to set Links.  And then after that: How to set the Content, Header, and Blog/Plugin colors, sizes, backgrounds, etc.  And lastly, how to preview your template!

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/css_cheat_sheet_no_1_coloring_your_scroll_bar_background_and_text.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/bellybutton_lust_a_follow_up_to_the_bellydance_fiasco.mws valentinaxxx 2005-08-03T05:08:50-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/bellybutton_lust_a_follow_up_to_the_bellydance_fiasco.mws

Thank you all for your support of the Bellydancer theme template.  I was surprised and pleased to see how many responses I got to this issue and want to follow up on the story.  Here's Brian's response to the letter I last sent him:

Val,

 

I suppose we have three options:

 

a) accept ALL themes submitted

b) reject ALL themes submitted

c) make a judgement call on each theme

 

We choose (c).  The other options would not be acceptable. What else can/should we do? 

 

There is no one correct answer for what would be best for MindSay.  Do you disagree?  I simply use my gut feeling.  Not everyone will agree with me, and I don't expect them to.  We do the best we can.  

 

-B

====================

Just so you all know, I don't fear or blame the Mindsay guys for doing what they feel is right, even if I feel that they are wrong.  Here's my letter in response to Brian's last letter:

Dear Brian,

I hope you didn't feel that this was a personal attack on you or Andy.  You know I do what I can to meet the requirements for material submitted to Mindsay and I thought I met those with the Bellydancing template.  Yet I'm going to stick to my gut feeling and tell you that there really wasn't a truly viable reason for you guys to reject this one. 

Of course you CAN'T accept every template that I serve on your plate.  This is something I do understand. 

So I'm doing what I can to exercise my rights and speak my mind about it. 

As you may have noticed today, it has caused an uproar amongst many Mindsay users who feel the same as I do, and, if anything, I'm pleased to see so many people speaking their minds about the issue.  Or any issue for that matter. 

This is exactly what "Mind Say" is --saying what is on the mind-- and hope, even though you may be slightly annoyed about what started the issue in the first place, you can appreciate that, too.

Sincerely,

Valentina

=====================

Keep on speaking your minds, everyone!!!!

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/bellybutton_lust_a_follow_up_to_the_bellydance_fiasco.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/css_cheat_sheet_no_2_adjusting_links.mws valentinaxxx 2005-08-03T07:08:06-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/css_cheat_sheet_no_2_adjusting_links.mws

Okay, welcome to part two of my "css cheat sheets."  Cut and paste the following after the scroll bar, background, and text section of the css document:

a:link, a:visited, a:active, b
{text-decoration:none;color:#______;
filter:progid:dximagetransform.microsoft.gradientwipe(duration=2);font-weight:bold; }

a:hover
{text-decoration: none; background-color:#______;color:#______;font-weight:bold;}

Wherever there's a "#______" fill it in with a color hex code.  The "a:link, a:visited, a:active, b" part is the color of your active links.  Pick a color that will stand out from your regular text color so that visitors can easily find the link.  The "a:hover" part are the color/s for what the link will look like whenever a visitor hovers their cursor over the link.  The above is just one example of a simple text with a background that appears like a box around the link text (just like how I have it here in my current personal blog template).  Also, keep in mind that the "font weight: bold" is optional.  If you don't want your links bolded, just delete that bit.  I like to bold the links just to make them stand out more.

The following is another special effect you can do with links, but this one is for an underline and overline around the link text:

a:link, a:visited, a:active, b
{text-decoration: none;color:#______;filter:progid:dximagetransform.microsoft.gradientwipe(duration=2) }

a:hover
{text-decoration: underline overline; color:#______;}

I used the "overline/underline" effect in my themes "Romantic" and "Kiss the Sky."

Instead of a color that boxes in the text, you simply have lines over and under it in whatever colors you choose.  Next is another example, except this time we will have a dotted line around the link text:

a:link, a:visited, a:active, b
{text-decoration:none;color:#______ ;
filter:progid:dximagetransform.microsoft.gradientwipe(duration=1); }

a:hover
{text-decoration: none; color:#______;
border:1px dotted #______;}

You can clearly see above that you can have both the dotted line and the text be different colors or the same color.  I used this links effect in the "Chocolate Cat" theme, but you may notice that this effect will sometimes make the text jump a bit depending on your browser.

Another effect you can play with is setting an image as the background for your link text.  Whenever your visitor's cursor moves over the link, the image will be behind the text.  I did this in one of my latest themes, "Opalescent" and here's the css codes for it:

a:link, a:visited, a:active, b
{text-decoration:none;color:#______;
filter:progid:dximagetransform.microsoft.gradientwipe(duration=2);font-weight:bold; }

a:hover
{text-decoration: none; background:url('http://www.yourpage.com/picture.gif');color:#______;font-weight:bold;}

Everywhere you see a "______" fill in with your color hex code.  And where you see a "('http://www.yourpage.com/picture.gif')" replace it with the url of your image.  Make sure the image is small, however, and not too overbearing in color, otherwise the text will drown in it.  I recommend blurry images that aren't over 20px tall and at least 15px width.

There are many other ways to adjust and play around with links and link effects.  As you browse the web, you'll notice what other people have done and it's alway fun to try to figure out how they did that.  It's even more fun to find out how to do something different for yourself, too!

Thus ends part two.

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/css_cheat_sheet_no_2_adjusting_links.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/new_idea_for_blog_templates_frames.mws valentinaxxx 2005-08-04T11:08:55-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/new_idea_for_blog_templates_frames.mws

I changed the original Bellydancing theme to an "Arabian Pink" framed template.  Don't worry, I didn't delete the previous header.  This gives me an idea.  As I was working on this Celtic Frame template, I think that maybe creating headers with empty space for users to place their own photos in might be great.  Let me know what you guys think about that!  I've got two CDs filled with royalty free clip art frames that are way cool that I've been looking for an excuse to use...

Oh, and here's the other template ideas I've got cooking up:

I reworked Glamour and changed the previous Waterhouse painting (Nymphs) to the very popular "Lady of Shalott" and added another John Waterhouse painting of "The Tempest" as well.

New ones: Cheesy Puffs, Popcorn, Kiwi, Las Vegas, Planet Earth, Eagle Nebula, The Sun, and Petals.  You may notice that I made the templates a little wider.  Some of you asked for that and hope it all works out.  You also may notice that I'm not creating as many templates as I used to.  I have some work to catch up on updating a friend's site! 

I hope to show some frames template previews later this weekend.  See ya later.

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/new_idea_for_blog_templates_frames.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/css_cheat_sheets_no_3_content_header_blogs_plugin_settings.mws valentinaxxx 2005-08-08T05:08:04-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/css_cheat_sheets_no_3_content_header_blogs_plugin_settings.mws

And here I am again for part three of my "css cheat sheets."  Cut and paste the following after the scroll bar, background, and text section and links part of the css document:

.content {
  margin-right: auto;
  margin-left: auto;
  background: #______;
  text-align: left;
  width: 750px;
  border: __px #______;
}

This part covers just the content area of the blog.  Fill every thing with a "#______" with a color hex code.  Fill anything with a "___px" with the number of pixels you want to size your content to be.  750px is the usual, standard width of a blog at Mindsay.  You can make it smaller, but I suggest only going as small as 580px or 600px, otherwise it will look too small.  Most bloggers like to write a lot, so give them enough space to fill in their words.  You can also set an image as the content background by inserting this code:

background:#______ url('http://www.yoursite.com/yourimage.jpg');

Don't forget to include the semi-colon at the end or it won't show up!  Next, include the following:

 
.bloguser {
  display:none;
}
.insert {
  border: 1px #______;
}
.header {
border: 1px #______;
background:#______ url('http://www.yoursite.com/yourimage.jpg');
  height: ___px;
  color: #______;
  padding: 0px;
}

This part covers your header, you know, that fun picture on top that's sort of like a poster on the wall of your dorm room?  Once again, fill anything with a "#______" with the six digits of the color hex code you desire to have and include a url your header.  Also fill in anything that says "___px" with the pixel height of your header.  Most readable, design savvy headers are at least 150px tall and do not stand taller than 350px.  Play around with different sizes and go with what looks and loads best.  You don't want the header to dominate the blog too much. 

Okay, now for the next part:

.blogs {
  width: 550px;
  float:left;
}
.plugins {
  float: right;
  width: 200px;
}
.blog {
  border: 1px solid #______;
  padding:6px;
  margin:8px;
  background: #______;
}
.plugin {
  border: 1px solid #______;
  padding:6px;
  margin:8px;
}
.spacer {
  clear:both;
  height:0;
}
.subject {
  font-weight: bold;
}
.date {
  float: right;
}
.text {
  margin:1em;
}
.plugin {
  background: #______;
}
.plugin .label {
  text-align: center;
  font-color: #______;
}
.plugin .info {
  margin: 4px;
}

This is the tail end of the entire css file.  After you've completed your header and got the width and height set up correctly, you've got to set the width of your blog and plugin entries.  Note: your content should be the same width as your header.  Let's say you have a header that's 700px wide and 250px tall.  You will set the content as "width:700px" and the header as "height:250px", but your blog shouldn't be the same width.  If you set the blog width as 700px, there would be no room for the plugins!  You can use a calculator to figure out how much pixel width you have to work with for your blogs and plugins (I sometimes do).

Normally, with content set at 700px width, your blog should be, at least, 500 px and your plugins set at 200px.  But if you want to set a border around your content, blog, and plugin entries, you're going to have to reset the blog and plugin width accordingly. 

The following is an example of how I set up the borders for my "Sweet Sage" template's content: 

.content {
  margin-right: auto;
  margin-left: auto;
  background: #7DAC9E;
  text-align: left;
  width: 650px;
  border: 2px solid #004444;

Notice that there is a 2px border around the content.  This automatically takes 2px off of the 650px width you have to work with for your blogs and plugins. 

Here's how I set the blogs and plugins after I set the content above:

.blogs {
  width: 450px;
  float:left;
}
.plugins {
  float: right;
  width: 190px;
}
.blog {
  border: 1px solid #ffffff;
  padding:6px;
  margin:8px;
  background: #95CFBE;
}
.plugin {
  border: 1px solid #DDFFEE;
  padding:6px;
  margin:8px;

Notice how I've given plenty of space for the plugins and blogs?  I had to also take into consideration the solid color borders I set around them, too.  Keep these things in mind while experimenting with your images, too.  You might even come up with a few things I didn't!

===========

Next: Previewing your blog template -- complete with a list of free stock photography and image archives!
 

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/css_cheat_sheets_no_3_content_header_blogs_plugin_settings.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/new_series_of_illustrations_song_ladies.mws valentinaxxx 2005-08-08T05:08:02-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/new_series_of_illustrations_song_ladies.mws

Meet "Delta Dawn" ...

 

Original lyrics/song by Helen Reddy for "Delta Dawn":

Delta Dawn, what's that flower you have on?
Could it be a faded rose from days gone by?
And did I hear you say he was a-meetin' you here today
To take you to his mansion in the sky-eye?

She's forty-one and her daddy still calls 'er "baby"
All the folks 'round Brownsville say she's crazy
'cause she walks downtown with her suitcase in her hand
Lookin' for a mysterious dark-haired man

In her younger days they called her Delta Dawn
Prettiest woman you ever laid eyes on
Then a man of low degree stood by her side
Promised her he'd take her for his bride...

Meet "Jackie Blue"...

And original lyrics for the "Jackie Blue" song by the Ozark Mountain Daredevils:

Ooh-hoo, Jackie Blue
Lives a life from inside of her room
Hides a smile when she's wearing a frown
Ooh, Jackie, you're not so down

You like your life in a free form style
You'll take an inch but you'd love a mile
There never seems to be quite enough
Loving around us when your loving comes

Ooh-hoo, Jackie Blue
What's a game, ooh, that you never lose
Ask a winner and you'll probably find
Ooh, Jackie they lost you some time

Don't try tell me that you're not aware
Of what you're doing and that you don't care
You say that it's easy, just a natural thing
Like playing music that you've never seen

Ooh-hoo, Jackie Blue
Making wishes that never come true
Going places where you've never been
Ooh, Jackie, you've blown it again

Ooh-hoo, Jackie Blue
Lives a life from inside her room
Makes you think that life is a drag
Ooh, Jackie, what fun you have had

I've always pictured Delta Dawn as a fierce Latino woman with an old paper rose in her hair, walking around with a suitcase in her hands, waiting for her long lost beau and ignoring anyone who tells her he ain't coming.  And Jackie Blue as a jazz singer with 80's hair hanging out at a dark lit bar wearing blue velvet.  I illustrated both of them being young and beautiful yet old in retrospect to the style in which I've drawn them. Both of these illustrations probably show how much I'm influenced by vintage pop art!

I'm thinking of doing illustrations of Fleetwood Mac's "Gold Dust Woman" and Carlos Santana's "Black Magic Woman" next... 

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/new_series_of_illustrations_song_ladies.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/new_experiment_with_blog_templates_creating_empty_frames.mws valentinaxxx 2005-08-09T10:08:08-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/new_experiment_with_blog_templates_creating_empty_frames.mws

Awhile back I proposed an idea to create templates that have just an empty framed header.  If you like the background colors and images, all you'd have to do is down load the header and paste in your own image or photos.  Well, I made a few and want your opinion.  Let me know what you think about these babies:
Fancy Frame
Maroon Frame
Stained Frame
Purple Frame
Black & White Frame v.1
Black & White Frame v.2

My other new template previews are below.  The TakeOut idea was given to me by egseah (thanks, Emily!) and I got the Katydid idea after one of those little suckers got stuck in my house and it was HUGE.  Scared the beejeezus out of me, too! 

Chinese TakeOut
Watermelon
Katydid
Bunnies
Otter

I'm not going to be doing as many blog templates like I used to.  I'm kinda getting bored with 'em and I'd really like to see other people's creative work out there.  I hope the recent posts of css cheat sheets I provided will encourage others to make a few.  Enjoy!

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/new_experiment_with_blog_templates_creating_empty_frames.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/css_cheat_sheets_no_4_the_final_touches_online_image_resources.mws valentinaxxx 2005-08-10T10:08:48-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/css_cheat_sheets_no_4_the_final_touches_online_image_resources.mws

If you've been following along with this tutorial, you should have a better idea of how to do a css blog template for Mindsay.  The following is one complete sample of a blog template.  Every where you see a "#______" fill in with an html color hex code and each time you come across a "___px" fill in the pixel width or height of that section. 

body, td, xmp
{scrollbar-DarkShadow-Color:#______;
scrollbar-Track-Color:#______;
scrollbar-Face-Color:#______;
scrollbar-Shadow-Color: #______;
scrollbar-3dLight-Color:#______;
scrollbar-Highlight-Color:#______;
scrollbar-Arrow-Color:#______;
background: #______;

font-size: 72%; color:#______;
font-family: verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif;
  text-align: center;

}

a:link, a:visited, a:active, b
{text-decoration:none;color:#______;
filter:progid:dximagetransform.microsoft.gradientwipe(duration=2);font-weight:bold; }

a:hover
{text-decoration: none; background-color:#______;color:#______;font-weight:bold;}

.content {
  margin-right: auto;
  margin-left: auto;
  background: #______;
  text-align: left;
  width: ___px;
  border: __px  solid #______;
}

.bloguser {
  display:none;
}
.insert {
  border: 1px #______;
}
.header {
border: 1px #______;
background:#______ url('http://www.yoursite.com/yourimage.jpg');
  height: ___px;
  color: #______;
  padding: 0px;
}

.blogs {
  width: ___px;
  float:left;
}
.plugins {
  float: right;
  width: ___px;
}
.blog {
  border: 1px solid #______;
  padding:6px;
  margin:8px;
  background: #______;
}
.plugin {
  border: 1px solid #______;
  padding:6px;
  margin:8px;
}
.spacer {
  clear:both;
  height:0;
}
.subject {
  font-weight: bold;
}
.date {
  float: right;
}
.text {
  margin:1em;
}
.plugin {
  background: #______;
}
.plugin .label {
  text-align: center;
  font-color: #______;
}
.plugin .info {
  margin: 4px;
}

Feel free to change and experiment with margins and padding, too.  And if you're going to use this sample css cheat sheet for a blog template submission to Mindsay, remember to fill in all those "______" blank spaces, other wise you'll find that your template won't work when you want to preview it!

Speaking of previewing your blog template, after you've created your header and filled in all the "______" spaces in your css file, you'll want to upload it to Mindsay so you can preview it.  Make sure you have access to both Firefox and Microsoft Internet Explorer!  The following is a step-by-step procedure for previewing your blog template:

1.  Go to the "Pick a Theme" page and click on "Submit."  This link will take you to a page where you can upload, edit, and preview your blog templates.

2.  Hit the "Enter New Theme" button.  This will take you to a site where you can upload and edit your css document.  You'll find that Mindsay has already provided you a sample blank "css cheat sheet" that you can always modify.  If you want to use my cheat sheet, you'll want to paste it over or add it to the Mindsay cheat sheet.

3.  Come up with a short Name for your blog template.  You're only given a space of 13 letters for a title, so think up something clever and to the point. 

4.  Next, prepare a thumbnail preview of your template.  You can either do a very small screen shot of your template or just select a small section of your header for the thumbnail.  Make sure the thumbnail is only "100px X 100px" and save it to a web site of your own or one like http://www.photobucket.com/ .  Copy the url of your thumbnail and paste it in the box called "Thumbnail URL."

5.  Once you have your css cheat completed and pasted, you must hit the "Upload" button.  After uploading, you can then preview your template.  Make sure to preview it in both MSIE and Firefox!  You might get frustrated to learn that not all of your css blog templates will work with both browsers.  There are some things you can only do in Firefox and some things will only work in MSIE.  IF you find that your preview isn't working, you're going to have to go back to your original css document to do some troubleshooting and tweeking.  If there's anything else wrong with your template that you're not aware of, the Mindsay staffers will let you know and it's back to the drawing board you go!

6.  Last, but not least, once you find everything seems to be working, Submit your template to  Mindsay.  The Mindsay staff usually will get to your template over the weekend, so expect to wait about a week for them to make a decision on it. 

================================ 

To supplement your blog template ideas/creation, here is a list of available online resources:

Free Stock Photography and Image Providers:*
Punchstock.com is probably the most excellent place to shop for new photo stock, they'll send you a free catalog in the mail, and their search engine is very user friendly.  This company also hosts contests and free vacation giveaways, too.   *However, beware of high prices for high quality images.  Punchstock is the best resource for stock photos and not all of the images advertised are given out for free.  Read the fine print before purchasing from Punchstock!
 i-stock photo is another place to buy great stock photos.
FreeStockPhotos is a great place for free stock photos, so is stock.xchng.

For photos you don't have to wait to get in the mail or wait for a lengthy down load, register with morgueFile or donate stock photos you've taken to morgueFile.  It's the best place for bloggers and web designers to exchange their creative juices and there's many, many photos to choose from, but their search engine isn't the best.  It's best to plan a day of it searching through photo thumbnails to find what you're looking for, however it's worth it.

css Tutorials & Resources:

To find out everything about css, visit CSS Syntax and you'll learn what all those little codes mean!
Visit the CSS Zen Gardenfor fine art examples of what cool, fun things designers are doing with css. It's an excellent place to get ideas for blog templates!
To save yourself from an aneurism figuring out css, stop by Holy CSS, ZeldMan!
For more css layouts and cheat sheets, go to The Layout Reservoir
And for more css tutorials (featuring a lot of stuff I haven't covered) take a gander at Floatutorial: Step by Step CSS float tutorial
For help on getting the right color schemes for your templates, visit the EasyRGB website or Color Schemer v.2 -- those places will save you a lot of work!

Good luck with all your designs and creations!  I look forward to seeing more Mindsay users coming up with more templates... I don't want to be the one out here doing 'em! ;)

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/css_cheat_sheets_no_4_the_final_touches_online_image_resources.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/i_finally_finished_these_paintings.mws valentinaxxx 2005-08-10T10:08:17-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/i_finally_finished_these_paintings.mws

This took me several weeks to finish.  I was suffering from heat stroke when I began this:

The last part of this tyrptich is a self portrait.  I felt swollen, sweaty, sad, bored, and was longing for a storm.  While painting I prayed for rain to come and wash everything away.

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/i_finally_finished_these_paintings.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/looking_for_work.mws valentinaxxx 2005-08-10T11:08:26-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/looking_for_work.mws

I seriously need to find more/better employment.  All summer I've been living paycheck by paycheck with a supplemental income from my unemployment insurance and I haven't made enough money to pay all my rent in full for the last two months.  I just took a look through the job ads for the area I live in and there's nothing out there.  Stevens Point blows anyway.  My landlady is getting anxious.  I think I need to move.  My only ray of hope is the chance the book store I worked for earlier this year will come back.  It was a great job, I loved being the manager of a book store, and so I re-applied for some book store help wanted postings for the company I once worked for.  I wasn't fired or anything bad like that, so how can they not re-hire me?  Fingers crossed.  Valentina needs new shoes!

Weird thing that happened last night: two bats came in from the attic.  I usually take showers at night, so on my way to the bathroom, these bats flew around my head.  I actually managed to accidentally hit one of them with my hand before I realized it was a bat.  I had a moment of panic, but then, as I watched them fly around me, I realized that they flew kinda like big brown butterflies.  Poor things.  I opened a window and somehow they finally got out.

My dad always told me that bats are good luck.  I hope that's true. 

Update:  Just looked up bat supersitions on google and get a load of this, "Bats have always had a connection with witches, and can have good or bad connotation, depending on the tradition. According to one, if a bat flies three times around a house, it is a death omen. Conversely, when bats come out early and fly about playfully, it is a sign of good weather to come..."  Now that really sounds hopeful.  I'm a witch, the bats weren't flying around the house, they were flying inside the house, and they were playful and gentle.  Yaaaay.

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/looking_for_work.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/damned_if_you_do_damned_if_you_dont_the_sexual_double_standard_still_exists.mws valentinaxxx 2005-08-11T01:08:24-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/damned_if_you_do_damned_if_you_dont_the_sexual_double_standard_still_exists.mws

Now that I've reached my dirty 30's, I am very comfortable, finally, with my sexuality.  It doesn't matter if I have sex with some random person or with someone who is my partner, I have control over who and whom I have sex with and I don't give a damn what you think about that.  I am not ashamed about sex and am not embarassed to admit that I've had sex with both women and men, numerous times in various different positions, but what I am pissed off about is someone telling this next generation of women how to behave based on some moralistic Biblical bullshit forcing women into one of two different categories: Virgin and Slut -- one considered good, the other bad.  Why should it matter if I've had plenty of sex in my life before marriage?  Will a man love me less or more because I have experience?  NO.  And that's exactly the message I want to give to all young women out there.

Make the right decision for yourself and don't listen to all those assholes out there who want to tell you how to run your sex life.  It's your body, not theirs.  You don't belong to anyone but yourself!  And any man who won't have you because he thinks you're a slut is not worth your time or your tears.  It really is his loss.  Sluts are beautiful people and we need love, too!

I've got slut pride, my friends!!!!  And if you don't have it, you need to get some.

I grew up taunted by my peers because I was considered a slut.  Thing was, I didn't have sex until I was engaged at the age of 17!  However, I did mess around because I was curious and this made me undesirable.  Guys only wanted me for a quick fingering, to be blunt, and were more interested in getting me to get them off and men, for the most part, I've noticed, have not changed in this stance no matter what their age. 

For the most part, I was doing what I did to please myself and was punished for it.  I started becoming sexually permicious at the age of 13!  But even when I was, say, 6 years old, I was experimenting, too.  I was very curious and very much in touch with myself sexually for as long as I can remember.  However, when I got older, ages 13 - 16, I learned how enjoyable it was and how powerful I felt having sexual contact with boys and other girls.  It was only when other people started judging me that I had a problem. 

I grew up in a very strict religious home, my mother was a fundamentalist Christian and pre-marital sex was a big "no-no!"  And yet I disagreed with that belief.  We are all human beings, we are animals, and sex isn't something evil, we're only told that it is.  Eventually, with experience and time, I learned to not give a rat's ass to what other people think about my sex life.  It is my life, not theirs, anyway.

I have to tell you that this whole concept of saving yourself for marriage can be taken to the extreme.  I'm not saying you girls should all go out and have random sex, but there is this terrible double standard people still hold about young women.  I know a lot of men who want to marry virgins, but they prefer sex with a woman who is experienced and this can later on lead to extra-marital sex and, possibly, divorce. 

Sure you can become experienced once you're married and many people have perfectly ethical reasons for saving themselves for marriage, but what does this say about you as a woman?  Are you buying into the theory that all young women who decide to be sexually free are unqualified for marriage?  Don't you realize that you're simply catering to a man sexually, but in a different way?  And what are your choices really based on?  Aren't you just following along with what you are told a good girl is?  And, if you're the slutty type, are you slutty because someone talked you being a bad girl?  What are your sexual ethics based on? 

I fear for this next generation of young women, really I do. You ladies have so much power in your hands, yet you don't know how to exercise it.

I've had a lot of relationships, both sexual and romantic, and most were loving, but not all.  When I was young I tried to wait until marriage for intercourse.  I became engaged at the age of 17 and my fiance talked me into pre-marital sex because, hell, we were already going to be married eventually so why not do it a couple nights before the wedding night?  Well, we didn't get married and it's a good thing, too, because he was a very selfish person and probably the worst lover I ever had.  However, I was in love with him and sometimes being in love is crazy, especially when you're still a teen because you often cannot tell if the person you love is really "right" for you yet.

Sometimes, in order to truly become a good husband or wife, girl/boyfriend even, you should experience several different kinds of relationships first and really figure out what it is that makes your partner tick -- as well as what gets yourself off.  I know many young women who have NEVER had an orgasm.  They are so extremely naive about sex that it's scary.  Many of them wait for marriage, only to be stuck in a relationship where their husbands don't know how to please them and where they don't know how to please their husbands.  There is a tremendous lack of sexual education out there -- amazing considering this day and age when porn is so readily available online. 

Men and women are more familiar with the FANTASY of sex as opposed to the REALITY of real sex! 

What I recommend young people do is to learn all they can about sex from an unbiased, non-religious, medical source.  Talk to your friends.  Talk to your relatives.  Get rid of the shame of it.  It's a natural, human instinct to have sex and no one's going to stop you if you have it or not, and why should they?  DON'T listen to the dumbasses who tell you that you're an evil slut because you like sex -- they're probably just jealous because you're having sex and they're not. 

And what is it about oral sex being consider okay behavior before marriage?  Why the hell are you girls giving blow-jobs to those undeserving slobs who talk you into doing it instead of intercourse?  Chlamydia is on the rise in this country because many young people believe that oral sex is safer than intercourse.  Protect yourself and love yourself.  Do want feels right and never be someone's sexual thrall.

There are STDs out there and oral sex is not the safest sex you can have.  I know a lot of men out there who share the view about just having oral sex and none of them ever consider using a dental dam!  There are also plenty of young people who have a good idea about what good sex is, but they certainly do not know how to really do it well.  Heck, there's men my age who still don't know how to please a woman who think that they do!

When I was a teen, feeling up a bra strap was considered second base, now it's a blow-job!  The situation has changed.  More young girls are into giving oral sex because there's this facade that somehow it's safer than getting their hymen broken, plus they can still "save" themselves for marriage.

It's a stupid cop out and there are young men out there fully taking advantage of that, I can assure you.

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/damned_if_you_do_damned_if_you_dont_the_sexual_double_standard_still_exists.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/when_will_i_ever_learn.mws valentinaxxx 2005-08-12T09:08:56-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/when_will_i_ever_learn.mws

Well, I couldn't sleep very well and got up at the crack of dawn today.  I watched Primetime Live last night about Grizzly Man and it just left me with this feeling of dread.  What disturbed me was the pain in Timothy Treadwell's best friend's face, Jewel Palovak, when Werner Herzog listened to the audio tape that was left on while Treadwell and his girlfriend were being mauled to death by a Grizzly.  Werner tells her to turn it off and then says, "Jewel, you should never listen to this tape..."  The despair of it left me restless.  Probably because the sort of things this Timothy Treadwell did are the kind of things I can see my best friend, Andrew doing.  I've long feared hearing about him dying in some accident while on one of his adventures and not hearing from him for weeks on end makes me nervous.

Sometimes when you don't hear from a close friend for a long period of time, you begin to say to yourself, "Someone better have died to keep them away from me for this long..."

Well, it's never about anyone dying, or getting into an accident, or lying in a hospital bed somewhere suffering from cancer, it's usually that friend just has lost interest in you.  It usually happens after they move to another city or state and they get this whole other life that doesn't include you.  No matter how much time we spend on the phone or email, it can't erase the physical distance and the longing you have to hang out with them like you used to.  Before Andrew moved, he promised me that we'd have more time before his move to hang out, but then he started a temple and a job for clean water and soon there was no time left.  Whenever he would visit Milwaukee, our times together were rushed, and I could barely catch my breath around him.  I hated him for moving, but also was proud of him.  For a long while he's been anxious for me to move to the Minneaopolis area and I've been working my butt off to do just that.

My plan was to get enrolled in the Minneapolis College of Art & Design, move to Minneapolis, and be neighbors with my best friend again, join his temple, too, but my application for enrollment did not pass.  Even though I was highly complimented on my artistic skills, my grades were too poor.  Then my best friend buys a house and moves again.  Since he bought a house and wants me to move over there, you'd think he would've offered a room to me, right?  Well, that didn't happen.

Now I'm really resentful towards him.  I get an invite to a housewarming.  Just now I find out that he bought a house and is living with a girlfriend that he never told me about.  Hell, I'm not even sure she's his girlfriend, I just get this invite where he mentions a girl named Andrea.  Of course I'm jealous, how dare he offer someone else a place to live with him and not me!  But I'm also feeling betrayed that he hasn't told me anything.  I should've suspected something when I hadn't heard from him in a long while and especially whenever I talked to him he would use the terms "we did this" and "we went to..."  I thought he was talking about his students, now I know better.

When I confronted him about not hearing from him in a long while and asked why he wasn't regularly answering my emails like he used to, he gave me the excuse that it's "just harder to find your Email address" and that he's been too busy which is total bullshit.  I have plenty of other very busy friends who write me on a regular basis.

So after watching this Grizzly show, a piece of my heart shattered inside -- what would I do if I found out my best friend went off with his girlfriend into the woods and he didn't tell me how long he would be gone and I'd sit and wait for word from him and not get it only to later find out that he's dead?  I know I may sound melodramatic, but it stings.  

I mean, really, does this guy sound like he's still my best friend?  Or should I just face the fact that he's gone?  And I really do feel guilty for being jealous, too.  Whether this new woman in his life is a friend or something more shouldn't be a problem, right?  I should be happy for him, but right now, all I am is mad that I'm not being fully included in his life.  Grrrr.... 

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/when_will_i_ever_learn.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/im_tempted_to_start_again.mws valentinaxxx 2005-08-12T10:08:24-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/im_tempted_to_start_again.mws Argh!  I quit smoking exactly a year ago this week and right now I'm having the worst first nicotine fit I've had since quitting.  I think it's just an emotional craving.  Please help me keep my smoking sobriety!!!!

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/im_tempted_to_start_again.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/new_series_of_illustrations_song_ladies_part_two.mws valentinaxxx 2005-08-12T11:08:04-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/new_series_of_illustrations_song_ladies_part_two.mws

She's the "Gold Dust Woman" and she's after your man...

Gold Dust Woman
- written by Stevie Nicks, performed with Fleetwood Mac

"Rock on--gold dust woman
Take your silver spoon,
And dig your grave

Heartless challenge
Pick your path and I'll pray

Wake up in the morning
See your sunrise--loves--to go down
Lousy lovers--pick their prey
But they never cry out loud

Did she make you cry
Make you break down
Shatter your illusions of love
Is it over now--do you know how
Pick up the pieces and go home.

Rock on--ancient queen
Follow those who pale
In your shadow

Rulers make bad lovers
You better put your kingdom up for sale

Did she make you cry
Make you break down
Shatter your illusions of love
Is it over now--do you know how
Pick up the pieces and go home."

I believe this song was originally written after Stevie got annoyed with all the groupies hanging around after Fleetwood Mac made it big.  The "Gold Dust Woman" is a barbie-doll-like tramp who makes herself up to be the fantasy trophy chic rock stars crave.  She's an illusion, someone who isn't really real, she's only there to placate the ego, and she'll fade away as soon as the illusion of the rock star crumbles to dust.  Many rock stars pale in her shadow.  Like a vampire she sucks them dry...  That's how I see the Gold Dust Woman.  She has this quality to her like Marilyn Monroe, but it's very plastic -- she's like a doll who's in control.  Look out or she'll catch you in her web of deciet!

Do you have a "Black Magic Woman...?"

Black Magic Woman
written by Peter Green, performed by Santana

"Got a black magic woman,
I got a black magic woman
I got a black magic woman got me so blind I can't see
I got a black magic woman
She try'in to make a devil out of me

Turn your back on me baby, turn your back on me baby
Turn your back on me baby don't turn babe
Turn your back on me baby
You might just pick up my magic sticks

Got your spell on me baby, got your spell on me baby
Got your spell on me baby turnin my heart into stone
I need you so bad magic woman I can't leave you alone..."

Whenever I hear this song, I think of what I used to think a real witch was, someone like a Satanist Witch, a follower of Anton LeVay, all dressed up in black with long, long black hair, her face dark with power and mystery.  Now that I know what real witches do and since then became a Dianic Witch myself, the powerful image of the "Black Magic Woman" still holds a spell over me.  I think of all of the witchy stereotypes out there, like in the movie "Spellbinder" where there's a whole cult of 'em out to snatch virgins for some strange rite or other.  But, what I really think the Black Magic Woman is in the Santana song is quite literally a woman who is so mesmerizing, she can't help but enthrall you.  Her true magic is her beauty and soul, yet there is a dark side to her, shadows are cast over her face -- she can be evil or good, depending on her mood.

All of these "song ladies" have "Looks That Kill" but only one is the matron saint of those bad boys that make up that infamous band, Mötley Crüe ...

"Now listen up
She’s razor sharp
If she don’t get her way
She’ll slice you apart
Now she’s cool, cool black
Moves like a cat
If you don’t get her game
You might not make it back

(pre-chorus)
She’s got the look’s that kill
That kill
She’s got the look’s that kill
That kill

(chorus)
She’s got the looks that kill

Now she’s bullet-proof
Keeps her motor clean
And believe me, you
She’s a number thirteen
The church strikes midnight
She’s lookin’ louder and louder
She’s gonna turn on your juice, boy
So she turns on the power

(pre-chorus)
She’s got the looks that kill"

I will forever think of this song lady as a woman who could've just walked off the set of "Class of Nuke 'em High" but, after watching Sin City for the hundredth time, she reminds me of a female street fighter whose weapon of choice is a nice set of knives/swords.  Even her make-up is applied with bold, sharp strokes and her jewelery is as sharp as nails.  Her hair is wild and her smile is about the only thing about her that is soft.

Now that I think of it (although it would be signing myself up for yet another story I can't finish) I'd love to place all these women in a comic book story.  Wouldn't that be interesting?  How would they all know each other? They could all be part of some gang or cult.  I'm thinking like an Occult Mafia!

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/new_series_of_illustrations_song_ladies_part_two.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/kiss_and_tell.mws valentinaxxx 2005-08-13T07:08:45-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/kiss_and_tell.mws

I haven't heard from Andrew and don't think I will any time soon.  I take it as a sign we're through.  How could he not tell me about his new girlfriend?  Was he just going to surprise me with her during the housewarming?  That would have been so cold!  And here's where I out myself and confess that this friendship was more than platonic.  We loved each other on several levels, one of them being a sexual element. 

Now, I've had plenty of sexual and love relationships, but I always try to avoid having one with a close friend because it blurs the lines of love and friendship.  Also, when you have just a purely sexual relationship, you still have to clearly communicate with your partner, not just instruct them on how to make you feel good, but you have to get them to let you know whenever someone new comes on the scene.  I don't want to be the girl some guy is cheating on his girlfriend/wife with!  You see, I have sexual ethics, something a lot of people don't often have or know they should have.  Part of having these ethics is to "not kiss and tell" but I'm breaking that rule here because I'm tired of keeping the whole affair a secret.  Keeping a secret feels as bad as telling a lie. 

Besides, I'm tired of not having "bragging rights", too.  That's the bum deal of having a secret sexual relationship; you don't have the same rights as a girlfriend or spouse has.  There's no big celebration for this kind of love, it's kept under wraps like something to be ashamed of and I'm not ashamed of this relationship at all.  It's just gotten too damn stressful to deal with.  It's better to have a relationship that is both loving and sexual, where both partners can be seen walking hand-in-hand if they want to or not.  It's just not healthy to make love in the dark, quickly and quietly, so no one will suspect anything, if you know what I mean.  Sure, there's the excitement of almost getting caught and the dread that hits you when one friend finds out and disapproves, but it doesn't beat the emotional security you can get from a more exclusive bond.

Andrew has always been a tease and I never always took him seriously whenever he'd flirt with me, it was just one of those things we'd do, chase each other, make dirty jokes, and giggle at each other like kids.  When I first met him, I did, literally, fall in love with him and it was terrible!  He was 11 years younger, yet we just "clicked" as they say.  He didn't exactly feel the same, he described it as an instant kinship and before long I moved into his building and we were the best of neighbors... well, not all the time.  We got along as famously as we fought sometimes. 

We had known each other for three years before flirtation graduated to full-on heavy petting.  Heck, I would've never went "there" in the first place with him if I didn't think it would lead to a more romantic kind of relationship.  I mean, you never know, right?  But time after time he'd find himself another woman to be with romantically and we'd carry on our emotional bonding in private.  I would tell myself to just let it go and move on.  Eventually I did find someone else to date and have sex with, but constantly find myself drawn back to Andrew and then hate myself for crying my eyes out whenever he wouldn't be with me the way I wanted him to be.  And I'd hate myself even more for falling for all the times he told me he loved me.

But now I think it's time to move on.  He's got his house and girlfriend and I need to get things back on track, stop moping, and focus on my art, my career, my life.  And Andrew, wherever you are, if you're reading this or not, I part from you not in tears or smiles or anger, but just a "see you in the next life..."

Maybe we'll treat each other better when we're different people. 

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/kiss_and_tell.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/the_last_time.mws valentinaxxx 2005-08-13T08:08:36-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/the_last_time.mws

...And I can't help but remember the last time I saw him.  Climbing along the rocks at the beach.  The water looked so beautiful farway, but up close I saw the mold, the black, the slippery muck.  I sneezed in the woods.  He was as warm as the sunshine haloing his head.  He helped me climb down.  My bag fell open, my garnet necklace broke, he couldn't wait for me to hurry and pack up.  We had to be quiet.  We had to run.  We were out in the open.  My throat was thick with worry, I choked on him when he came.  I looked up to him, even when in pain.  When things moved fast, sometimes those little moments never cease to last.  Smiling to catch my breath, knowing it was all too insane, once we made it to the car, I could feel it coming... good-bye... even though it was something he could not say.  I had to escape.  I told him to stop the car.  Before there was time to fool around, now there was not time enough for an embrace.  Traffic pressured him to move.  My bus came.

From my window, I watched him drive away.  The echo of his voice was still in my head when a stranger asked me if I was okay.  "Sorry," I said, "he was just a friend.  And it'll be a long time before I see him again."   

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/the_last_time.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/even_more_blog_template_previews_i_got_bored.mws valentinaxxx 2005-08-14T01:08:45-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/even_more_blog_template_previews_i_got_bored.mws

I said I wasn't going to do so much, but after a relationship got me down this week, I decided to distract myself by taking time out to think about designing a few more blog templates:
Agate
Forest Green
Manet
Moulin Rouge (not the film, the painting!)
Cassatt (my favorite painting by Mary Cassatt featuring her sister, Lydia)
Van Gogh: The Bedroom
Valentine's Day Candy
Celtic Frame 2 (probably the most problematic template I've done -- still too much space in between the blog and plugins)

There ya have it.  If they work out nicely, you should find them in the Pick a Theme section next week!  Well, so long, must go to bed...

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/even_more_blog_template_previews_i_got_bored.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/my_tarot_reading_for_august_14_20.mws valentinaxxx 2005-08-14T01:08:14-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/my_tarot_reading_for_august_14_20.mws

I just had to add this before bed tonight (it's kinda hitting home this week):
(From Madume LuLu)

"Let me draw a card for you from the tarot deck that I keep here on my desk.Oh, look Valentina -- it is THE EMPRESS Let me study it for a moment ........

YES! Here is what this card says for you:

"Travel holds danger to your safety this week. This will be due to the carelessness of others, so just move about with awareness, Valentina. Letting go of a personal connection that has brought you much joy in the past is not the end of the story. You will be able to reconnect at some point in the future when you both take care of your own healing. Diversion can be found in the form of someone new -- but you could be kidding yourself."

___________________________

Sometimes these "free weekly Tarot readings by email" are great.   

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/my_tarot_reading_for_august_14_20.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/quick_update_and_random_thoughts_for_the_week.mws valentinaxxx 2005-08-19T07:08:05-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/quick_update_and_random_thoughts_for_the_week.mws

I took a week off from being online to concentrate on getting my shit together, but just ended up hibernating to heal myself from a four day migraine.  So here's my list of random thoughts for the week:

1.  I've realized that I have a pattern when it comes to relationships.  I always fall for people who are inaccessible/unavailable emotionally and/or physically and that I love with my imagination as much as I do with my heart.  I usually fall out of love when someone makes themselves too available to me.  In just about every relationship, if I'm not longing for someone pathetically, I'm not longing for them enough.  So I think the key is to find a happy balance with someone new out there...

2.  I'm anxious for Autumn to come.  Can't wait to see the trees take on more color.  Looking forward to the first frost so I can stop suffering from my allgery to ragweed!  I'm also anxious for cold nights where I can wrap myself up like a burrito in my blankets again.

3.  My new job search gets off to a slow start considering I don't have my phone hooked back up... again.  I'm going to have to sacrifice some rent and food money to pay my overdue bill.  I'm not behind on my bills because I'm lazy or over spending my money, I just don't have enough money to throw around.  There's a possibility I could get my old book store manager job back but that work assignment won't start until late September.  I may have to ask for assistance.  Something I really hate to do because those social workers treat me like I'm a dead beat, but it's either facing them or facing my landlady with an empty wallet... again.  When will I ever make ends meet?

4.  I've been watching a lot of "Unsolved Mysteries" lately.  That show can still get to me because there are still so many mysteries yet to be solved.  Some of the psychic ones are really silly and some psychic episodes do hit home but your average American still doesn't understand the spiritual world outside of what they are told in the Bible.  The Bizarre Murder series had me up all night last night.  I have a hard time getting the faces of hardened criminals out of my head.  I had a teacher who worked as a psychic for the Milwaukee area police and he told me that it's probably the worst job a psychic could ever get because you can't ever un-remember the first time you do psychometry on a murder victim's bloody blouse...  *shivers*

5.  Started a new project: "Faces of the Zodiac" -- a collection of 12 paintings based on the 12 signs of the Zodiac.  Looking pretty good so far, 'cept all of the faces don't look very happy, all of them look kinda sad.  I am working heavily with spirits at this time as I heal from a broken relationship, so perhaps that it is a reflection of my sorrow.  Yet sometimes beauty rises out of pain...  Take high heels for example.  I look great in heels but can't stand in them for longer than three hours!

6.  I really hate reality TV shows.  Staying at home recovering from a migraine, all I could do was sit, sleep, and watch TV.  There are too many reality TV shows that are really unreal, surreal even.  All of these shows, especially that truly obnoxious one where a show takes over a small town in America, is like a nightmare come true.  Reminds me of "Shock Treatment" -- the ill fated sequel to "Rocky Horror Picture Show" that is long overdue for a revival!

7.  Got some silly photos from my pal, Paul, today entitled "If Women Ruled the World..."  The first one is how we should change/could change the homeland security alert levels and the second is a high heeled foot print of a woman on the moon.  I can always count on Paul to send me funny stuff in email.
 

8.  I am slowly, steadily losing more weight.  Great, eh?  I've lost 30 pounds this summer.  I'm starting to notice my waist line again, too.  My belly and chin still need work, however.  I need to be more active, but haven't settled on the right kind of exercise habit.  I get bored too quickly.  So far walking seems to help.  In fact, I'm going out for a walk right now... yay.

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/quick_update_and_random_thoughts_for_the_week.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/recent_movies_ive_seen_the_brown_bunny_coffee_and_cigarettes.mws valentinaxxx 2005-08-22T09:08:20-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/recent_movies_ive_seen_the_brown_bunny_coffee_and_cigarettes.mws

I have to admit that I do love Vincent Gallo's style of filmmaking, however, The Brown Bunny was a little slow in its pacing, agonizingly slow in my opinion for its subject material.  It hauntingly traces several days in the life of Bud Clay (played by Vincent Gallo) as he travels back to L.A. where he lost his one true love, Daisy ( Chloë Sevigny).  Bud Clay is a motorcycle racer and the story starts in New Hampshire where he convinces a young gas station clerk to come to California with him.  The girl, who is barely eighteen, agrees.  She has a face that reminds him of Daisy's.  Later, when he hits Las Vegas, he picks up a prostitute who also reminds him of Daisy.  Bud even makes out with a complete stranger at a rest stop only to leave her when making out with her doesn't remind him enough of Daisy.  The story is so incredibly sad yet such a touching portrayal of male sexuality that hasn't yet been seen in theatres.  We're used to stories about men who are jerks, not about a guy who is hopelessly in love with a ghost.  The ending was surprisingly XXX rated (Bud gets a blow job from Daisy) compared to the slow yawn of the rest of the film.  The story ends with an anti-climax that left me feeling emotionally limp but with a full explanation why Bud Clay acted the way he did with women and made me wonder about some of the men I've loved in my life.  I don't recommend this film to someone who is looking to be entertained, this is more of a cerebral journey sort of chill out movie with a great soundtrack and a disturbing ending.  See it with someone you'd want to talk about it over coffee later.

And speaking of coffee, after being warned not to waste my time or money on it, I finally saw Coffee and Cigarettes and I actually liked it.  Like The Brown Bunny, this is a movie with no real plot and just drags along, makes you feel like you're just eavesdropping on people in sleazy diners while they talk over coffee and cigarettes.  I liked it because it was comfy and something I can play in the background while I draw and paint at home.  I also found it to be very quirky and having no high expectations for it, I didn't walk away from the film disappointed.  I only spent $2 on the dvd, so for me it was a good buy.

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/recent_movies_ive_seen_the_brown_bunny_coffee_and_cigarettes.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/another_funny_from_my_pen_pal_paul.mws valentinaxxx 2005-08-22T10:08:09-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/another_funny_from_my_pen_pal_paul.mws

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/another_funny_from_my_pen_pal_paul.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/local_hotrod_show_spudcity_mashinals.mws valentinaxxx 2005-08-23T07:08:18-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/local_hotrod_show_spudcity_mashinals.mws

Last Sunday after work I checked out a hotrod show that took place along the Wisconsin River in Stevens Point, Wisconsin.

  I have a soft spot in my heart for Ford Fairlanes because that was the very first car my mother owned and it was the car that she drove us down to Springfield, Missouri when she went to college.  The Fairlane we had was exactly like this one, in that teal blue robin's egg color, but rusty.  The car died on us and remained a lawn ornament for several years before my mother finally sold it.  I'd like to think that it was restored and not sitting in some junkyard somewhere.  The Ford Fairlane inspires lots of memories for me...

 

I'm guessing that these two pictures are of a Chevy Bel Air and a Model A Ford.  Not certain.  I don't know cars as well as my Dad or my friend Greg does.  I'm sure one of them or you out there could tell me.  What I do know for sure is the next set of pix below are of a 1951 Mercury.  This car was very sweetly restored and tricked up the max.  Reminds me of my favorite gangster movies from the '50s and makes me want to watch "Sin City" one more time...

I've never been a big gear head myself and I still don't know how to drive, but I can really appreciate the fine work and craftsmanship that some people pump into classic cars.  I think it's the same reason why I also like old homes that have been restored; there's a timeless quality to that and it makes me feel more at home when things have a history and elegance to them.  The following pix depict another fine example of not just restoration but customization of a classic car.  The owner was also an Elvis fan.  Notice the dice from Las Vegas on the window locks, too. 

There was a nice assortment of other hot rods, too, but not as many as I had expected.  I wanted to see some GTOs or a Firebird (two of my favorite cars).  Even more nice was seeing all these cars parading around town and watching people stare, totally mesmerized by their beauty.  A lot of hard work must've went into these things!

 

The other car I like a lot is a classic Thunderbird.  This car just spanks of class and sharp wit to me.  I also liked the color of this one, reminds me of burgundy lip gloss.  I wondered if the owner of this vechile was a woman because it has such a feminine touch to it.

    

I also think that this Thunderbird has a coy little grin.  I like classic cars because there is more personality to them than the ones they build today.  To quote Marv (played by Mickey Rourke in Sin City), "Today's cars all look like electric shavers..."

I got some dinner at a Subway restaurant attached to a gas station across the river where I accidentally took this photo of the people sitting near me...

Before crossing the river to get back home, some pretty vines and trees caught my eye. I like creeping and poison ivy, I think they're beautiful plants. They seem protective, as if guarding the bridge that will take me over the river.

Speaking of the river, here are a few snapshots of it:

I love living near great bodies of water. Here's a place I've always wanted to swim to but never have swam in the river because the current is very strong and the water isn't exactly clean:

I then spent the rest of the evening feeding ducks with this couple.

So there you have it. It was a nice day to chill out by the river. I wish I had more days like that!

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/local_hotrod_show_spudcity_mashinals.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/faces_of_the_zodiac.mws valentinaxxx 2005-08-23T11:08:55-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/faces_of_the_zodiac.mws

Here's a preview of "Faces of the Zodiac."  I started this project on a whim when I was trying to come up with Astrology-inspired blog templates but then decided that this would be much better as a series of postcards or greeting cards that come with a little story about each sign.  Each painting represents a sign of the western zodiac utilizing colors and personality traits associated with each sign.  As I look at them now, I realize that some of these faces seem really sad which may have reflected my attitude while I was working to get over a love of mine.

Capricorn December 22 to January 19

The symbol associated with Capricorn is a mountain goat with a fish tail.  In my depiction of it here, Capricorn's face is that of an Earth sprite with horns that are the dried up husks of leaves, a snake for a tiara, and a headress of fish tails and scales.  Capricorn's colors are earthy brown, black, and green; the colors that promise you that underneath the ice of winter is the frozen mud of spring.

Aquarius January 20 to February 18

 

Aquarius' colors are electric blue, like lightning striking the earth and springing back up into sky.  Known as the water carrier, in my version Aquarius' body is literally a wall of air carrying water.  Often confused for a water sign, Aquarius is an air sign.  Imagine a soft February breeze blowing over a frozen lake and you get the right idea.

Pisces February 19 to March 20 

 

The colors of Pisces are the blue/greens of the sea yet, given the nature of this water sign, Pisces is more of a pond creature and the two fish associated with it are two large Japanese gold fish swimming in the pond of its face.  Bubbles grace the side of Pisces' left cheek like a beauty mark.

Aries March 21 to April 20

 

As can be expected of a sign named after a god of war, the Aries colors are hot reds; the symbol of flame sparking to life.  My Aries is a fire spirit full of energy and great mental force.  Representative of the ram's horns, black shadows coil around the intensity of its eyes to portray the firery mind of the Aries personality.

Taurus April 21 to May 20 

Taurus may fool you into thinking that it's a gentle cow, but underneath the surface rages the bull.  Taurus colors are mauve pink and sky blue.  The Taurus depicted here wears a nose ring and brass bell; symbols of the domesticated bull.

Gemini May 21 to June 20

 

The playful twins of Gemini are clad in brilliant yellows and blues; symbolic of the sun breaking through the clouds of confusion.  Each face of Gemini shows one eye closed and one eye open, with the eyes in the center almost forming a third face altogether.  This symbolises the intregation of intellect and insight associated with this air sign who is famous for not necessarily being two-faced, but flexible.

Cancer June 21 to July 22 

The animal associated with the sign of Cancer is the crab, symbolised here with its claws transforming into nurturing hands and its body reflecting the moon.  Cancer's colors are white, silver, and teal; the colors of the moonlight which is appropriate for a water sign ruled by the Moon.

Leo  July 23 to August 22

Leo's colors are gold, orange, and reds kissed by the Sun.  She is proud, defiant, elegant, and confident, like a golden statue with a lion's mane cascading down her shoulders in the colors of a glowing summer sunset.  She eyes the audience directly, daring you not to kiss her.

Virgo August 23 to September 22

Virgo is an earth sign usually represented by a virginal maiden.  In my depiction of her, she is an old maiden not too unlike Queen Elizabeth I in her twilight years.  Her colors are navy blue and grey; the colors of the fall season's first frost.  She is critical and discerning, knowing that all will soon fall before the might of winter.

Libra September 23 to October 23 

Libra is draped in royal blue and lavender with her traditional scales of justice worn as very large silver earrings that look like they could double as weapons.  Her eyes are closed, symbolic of blind justice but also representing a quiet inner knowing.  She wears a hood that half covers her head and her hair is a cloud of midnight.  Where her left eye should be is a tear representing the sadness and joy one feels when confronted by true beauty.  Libra is an air sign who is all about balance, romance, and partnerships.

Scorpio October 24 to November 21 

Scorpio glows in the colors of maroon, burgundy, and ripe tomato red.  She is a water sign who is all about passion and her pet is the scorpion who is both gentle and dangerous, just like Scorpio herself.  This Scorpio lady is like a dragon lady, her hair slick black like patent leather, and her rosy cheeks, deep dark eyes, and pouty mouth are reminescent of a 20's flapper or an ancient Egyptain version of Betty Page.

Sagittarius November 22 to December 21 

This fire sign is symbolised by the image of a centaur armed with bow and arrow.  My Sagittarius is a shapeshifting fairy whose home is sheltered by ice and snow. When she comes out of the snow, her skin shimmers like that of a melting icicle.  She can change into the body of a white horse or a centaur if she wants to.  Her colors are the traditional symbolic colors of Sagittarius; royal purple and blue.  Sagittarius is friendly, the spirit of the comraderie between friends who gather together to keep warm as the days become longer.

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/faces_of_the_zodiac.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/what_my_birthdate_means_its_kinda_true.mws valentinaxxx 2005-08-26T08:08:43-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/what_my_birthdate_means_its_kinda_true.mws

Your Birthdate: December 30

Your birthday on the 30th day of the month shows individual self-expression is necessary for your happiness. You tend to have a good way of expressing yourself with words, certainly in a manner that is clear and understandable. You have a good chance of success in fields requiring skill with words. You can be very dramatic in your presentation and you may be a good actor or a natural mimic. You have a vivid imagination that can assist you in becoming a good writer or story-teller. Strong in your opinions, you always tend to think you are on the right side of an issue. There may be a tendency to scatter your energies and have a lot of loose ends in your work. You may have significant artistic talent and be very creative.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/what_my_birthdate_means_its_kinda_true.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/financial_woes.mws valentinaxxx 2005-08-26T11:08:26-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/financial_woes.mws

I am out of cash, out of food, and don't know where my luck is going to come from today.  I tried to save up enough money to carry me through the summer and my unemployment ran out before I could save up again.  But the one thing that pisses me off the most is people judging me too harshly for being broke.  When I ask for help, some people tell me "well, if I do that you're just going to be broke again, so why bother?" or "you must've spent your money recklessly."  That's bullshit.  Sure I make unwise purchases every now and then, but I've been cool with that all summer and just miscalculated how I was going to cover September rent and food!  Anyways, my landlady is breathing down my neck so I asked for help from Portage County Health & Human Services.  I hate doing it but I have no choice.  I don't have enough money to pay off my phone bill (I only owe $91.36) so I can't find another job to supplement my current income coming from my part-time job at Vagabond Imports.  I ask to borrow $10 from one of my co-workers and she refused because she's pissed I still don't have my phone hooked up so she can call me when she needs me to come in.  I'm kinda screwed and, yeah, some of it's my fault, but the only way I'm going to get back on track is to get a temporary loan or recieve a gift from a friend and, heh, my friends are usually in the same boat as I am.  When will it ever end?

I'm going home tonight with an empty belly and I've got only .85 cents to my name until next friday.  Next friday I get paid but it's all spent.  My only hope is that the book store I worked for last year will come back and I can get my old store manager job back.  Either that or it's whoring myself out to someone... ick!  Yeah, but I haven't done laundry so who'd want smelly ol' me right now anyway?  I'll figure something out this weekend.

Update:  I did get some help this week and sold a bunch of stuff to make ends meet.  Phew!  Things are going to be okay.  Consequently, things could be much worse.  I've been watching all the news footage on the folks in New Orleans.  Man, I can't imagine going through something like that!  Makes me want to go down and help.

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/financial_woes.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/how_to_detect_remove_that_most_innocent_of_curses_malocchio_the_evil_eye.mws valentinaxxx 2005-08-31T11:08:39-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/how_to_detect_remove_that_most_innocent_of_curses_malocchio_the_evil_eye.mws

After reading an article in Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel over the weekend, I came across a phenomenon causing people to get into violent fights at bars called "Mean Mugging" -- where someone gives you an intense intimidating, threatening stare.  To those who are not trained or educated in the occult arts, someone staring at you can seem innocent or can easily be ignored, but it is the intent behind the stare that can be a culprit of various ills and the cause of calamities for those who are being stared at.  In the case of a recent homicide in Milwaukee on August 19th, the ones who did the "mean mugging" got shot by someone who was clearly not going to take the treatment lying down.  To one, like I, a witch, I know the power of a misaligned stare known as Malocchio (Ma-lock-ee-oh), "The Evil Eye" and have been taught how to detect and remove it.  Disbelievers may scoff and skeptics may giggle, you still cannot deny that the violent intentions of others are a force to be reckoned with and doing a little magick to combat it can't hurt.

Malocchio can sometimes be sent on you unintentionally by someone angry at you or who envies your position of power.  Basically, anyone with evil intentions can "curse" you without meaning to, and this includes yourself.  How often have you wished one of your co-workers would just get canned or dreamt of an ex-boyfriend dropping dead?  Your thoughts can carry weight and send you evil back, too, if you don't watch it.  In Italian Witchcraft, the Strega (witch) is taught how to both curse and bless and must be on guard at all times not to unintentionally cause harm to another with evil wishes.  This may seem strange, but in order to exorcise the intentional and unintentional curses of others, you must know how the curse works first.

If you seem to be suffering from sudden bad luck, find yourself in frequent accidents, and have an unexplained intense headache where the pain is stemming from the middle of your forehead and is combined with dizzyness, nausea, fever, and extreme fatigue, you may be suffering under the evil thoughts of others.  However it is best to first consider that these symptoms may just be the result of physical disturbances that go with ill health, so go see a doctor.  If the doctor cannot tell you what is causing your ailment, chances are you may be stricken by Malocchio.

How to detect Malocchio:  

1.   Fill a bowl with spring water and drop three drops of olive oil into the water.  Make sure that each drop of olive oil follows right after the other. 

2.  If the olive oil drops stay together and remain as circles, no "evil eye" is present.  If the drops spread out or break, you are infected with Malocchio.

How to remove Malocchio:

1.  Take two sewing needles and stick one sharp point into the other's eye while chanting the following:

"mmidia e malocchio
curnucille all`occhio
crepa l`ammidia e scoppia lu malocchio
n' nome di Di e d' Santa Mari
lu malocchio se n' pozza ye.
Lunedi Santo, Martedi Santo, Mercoledi Santo,Giovedi Santo, Venerdi
Santo, Sabato Santo, e Domenica di Pasqua, lu malocchio crepa!"

A very loose English translation (my Italian is poor, so forgive me!):

"Eye to evil eye, eye stabs evil eye, evil eye bursts and leaks,

in the name of Saint Mary, evil eye shall pool and bleed.

Each day for every day thy power will weaken;

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and the Sunday of Passover, evil eye leak!"

2. Next drop the needles into the water and sprinkle three dashes of consecrated (blessed) salt over the needles.

3.  Take a scissors and cut the air over the water three times.

This should effectively break the curse.  However, if you don't want to continuously do this ritual and seek more lasting charms against it, there are many amulets on the market today that are effective wards against the evil eye.  I've met some Italians who wear crosses and golden rings with an endlessly staring eye in the center.  These objects are usually blessed with holy water by a Catholic priest or an elder in the family prays over it to empower it with holy intentions.  Another symbol is an open hand with an eye in the middle.  In Turkey people make beautiful blue glass beads with eyes that are also made to cast off the evil eye.  

In Witchcraft there is also a hand gesture that can ward off the evil eye.  Many of you may recognize it as the "Devil's Horns" hand sign that for ages many believe is a sign of Satan.  But, no ho ho ho!  It's a lucky sign that wards off all sorts of nasty evil eyes.  Called the Mano Cornuto, "the Horned Hand" (mano means "Hand" and corno means "Horn") it is an ancient symbol of protection.  The two fingers pointing upward or outward stab at the evil eyes of others. It is made by making a fist and extending the (The finger next to the thumb) index finger and the (The finger farthest from the thumb) pinky, . This is not to be confused with , the American Sign language "I Love You" sign made by extending the thumb. Here are variations of the Mano Cornuto: 

Other cures to ward off the evil eye is to wear blue and green, paint images of open eyes on your boat or car, wear a red ribbon hidden underneath your clothing, and just make that "Devil's Horns" sign and aim it (if you guess or know who is casting an evil eye on you, without them knowing you're doing this of course) at someone who is cursing you.  If anything, it should scare off some crazy supersititious people who mean you harm anyway!

You might also find it funny to see just how many public figures are giving that Mano Cornuto to people these days... You can't tell me that even someone like George W. Bush doesn't have a witchy counselor convincing him to give the "Devil's hand sign" to ward off evil!

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/how_to_detect_remove_that_most_innocent_of_curses_malocchio_the_evil_eye.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/hurricane_katrina_blog_for_relief_day.mws valentinaxxx 2005-09-01T12:09:08-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/hurricane_katrina_blog_for_relief_day.mws

Being a "good witch" I can't ignore the suffering that is going on with the people of New Orleans.  Since I cannot physically travel down there to help, and believe me, I wish I could, it doesn't help to feel helpless standing by at home in front of the TV.  I encourage all peoples of all religions to pray for our brothers and sisters in New Orleans.  If you are Pagan, turn to the Voodoo loa and send offerings to bring protection against looting, healing, food, water, and help to all in need.  Also pray and ask for help for the relatives of those affected by Katrina.  I hear that there are many searching for their loved ones and/or can't communicate with them due to downed power lines.  Do something for those in need right now!  Every little bit helps. 

Also visit the New Orleans blog on Mindsay today and give what you can.

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/hurricane_katrina_blog_for_relief_day.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/visions_concerning_new_orleans_and_the_voodoo_loa_of_new_orleans.mws valentinaxxx 2005-09-01T10:09:47-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/visions_concerning_new_orleans_and_the_voodoo_loa_of_new_orleans.mws

I spent the entire day today in trance meditation, praying and appealing to the Gods to help the people of New Orleans.  I don't have much money and I cannot physically go down there to volunteer, so I only did what I could do to ease the crisis; I offered my services as practicing witch for the people.  This may sound strange to some, but it won't be all I will do as I plan on donating at least $10 to the Red Cross and encourage everyone who reads this to do the same.  Also, instead of going on vacation for Labor Day, stay home, pray, and gather with your loved ones to plan a way to send help to our brothers and sisters in New Orleans.

I started with a Tarot meditation, cast a circle, and asked the Gods to lend me the power to see a solution.  I asked them to answer the questions we're all asking...  What is the best thing we can do to relieve the suffering in New Orleans?  How long will it take to rebuild New Orleans?  What will resolve the problems caused in the wake of Katrina?  Will the people ever truly recover?

Key to the Answers: Six of Pentacles

A great amount of charity donations for a period of up to six months and it will take a period of six months for people to return to some sense of normalcy. I see box-like temporary shelters set up. Beware of a cold winter and a shift in the winds. Many will live a simple life that will reconnect them to the Earth. New Orleans will truly become a "new" Orleans. The Hummingbird in this card I created is very hungry and there are six flowers ripe with nectar for her to partake. The flood gates for food will open.

Current Influences:  Ace of Wands/2 of Pentacles/Devil/7 of Wands

We're already seeing the effects that these cards represent on the news. People are anxious and apprehensive. Difficulties balancing/juggling who gets or needs immediate help the most. Focus is on immediate gratification of physical needs. The Devil takes his toll on the weak. In the end, a renewed sense of strength and pride will come to the survivors. They will be defended by the military. Those leaving Iraq will come home to aid their own people here.

Answer Card: The Queen of Cups

The Queen of the Sea, Erzulie. Her Catholic counterparts are Saint Martha and Our Lady, Star of the Sea. She rules love, perpetual help, goodwill, health, beauty, and fortune. She brings benevolence, calm, and nurturing to children. Her appearance as an answering card suggests that besides monetary gifts, offerings associated with her are the things will bring enduring aid to the people of New Orleans: perfumes, bug spray, medicine, deoderant, tampons/maxi-pads, clean underwear, bottled spring water, white cigarettes, sweet treats, soap, cosmetics, shampoo, bread, tablets to purify water, white candles, bananas and other fruits. These gifts offered to the people of New Orleans in Erzulie's name will encourage this loa to lower the tide to aid in clean-up and rebuilding efforts. If you are Pagan, I suggest also setting up a prayer altar in a corner in your ritual room/space and dedicate it to Erzulie and appeal for her aid. Decorate the altar in blue and white, put out offerings of pink champagne or white wine with white sea shells or pearls, light white candles and visualize a giant white dove (a bird sacred to Erzulie and her catholic counterparts) flying over the city of New Orleans and carrying people to safety and shelter. Also to keep the people of New Orleans in your prayers, carry Erzulie's veve, use her veve as a background for your blog/web site, or knit a blanket with her veve and donate it to the survivors:
 

Side Note: Prayers and appeals to Papa Gede/Baron Semedhi will also help efforts to recover the dead and keep the dead from polluting the city. There is a great concern over disease. I had a vision of the spirits of very tall, large, thin black men with toothless smiles collecting and caring for the dead. These spirits are wading through the waters and are passing through broken buildings and abandoned houses looking for those who didn't make it through the storm. They are not morbid entities, but helpers. These kind souls promised me that families will find their loved ones and will be able to grieve properly so the spirits can rest. I believe that the men I saw were the ancestral guardian spirits of African slaves from centuries past.

I also dreamt of a giant white dove flying over the city dropping down from the clouds to carry children and women northward.  A woman's voice gently spoke to me a thick New Orleans drawl, "Don't forget my babies comin' home again."  Then I saw thousands of little white doves scattering throughout the sky and land.  I witnessed a car full of angry women trudging through high waters trying to get to higher ground.  One of them was too big to make it on foot.  Erzulie dressed in a white dove's gown, arms outstretched, reached into the car and the women floated into the air to a hill where they were discovered by men dressed in military uniform.  The big woman in the car previously could not walk and now she was walking.  I then saw a blond girl of about 18 years of age caught in a tree.  Her bare feet were bleeding and she was trying to climb up onto a roof of a house that caved in long before she could get there.  She was weeping.  The spirit of Erzulie entered me and I flew upward to comfort her.  She stopped weeping when I embraced her and a helicopter flew close by.

These are just some of the things I saw in my dreams.

And then a black man in a tattered blackish-brown business suit wearing a black cap with dark sunglasses rose out of the flood waters and approuched me.  He didn't say a word, but his smile said everything.  This was Papa Gede.  He handed me the Tarot cards: The Hermit and Three of Pentacles...

The meaning I got from seeing these cards were concerns about employment for the survivors. Those who first return to New Orleans will be hired as crews of many black men who have carpentry and construction skills. Within as little as three weeks there will be work for these men to feed their families. There are great journeys for master craftsmen to take. New Orleans is the life port of America. Guidance will come from corporate archietects who previously worked only to fatten their own wallets. Military factions previously headed for Iraq and some returning from Iraq will come home to New Orleans to help with rescue and rebuilding efforts. However some will never return to New Orleans and remain up north or west.

Already I'm seeing some of my visions coming true.  I saw a flurry of interviews.  The entertainment industry adopting families for eye-witness video accounts of the disaster.  More shelters will be needed.  I saw more caravans heading north.  A hard cold winter ahead.  Children separated temporarily from their parents and put in homes and schools while parents find/go to work.  The best success will come from keeping people hopeful.

We are all being asked to share our wealth, not just throw our money at the poor.

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/visions_concerning_new_orleans_and_the_voodoo_loa_of_new_orleans.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/for_all_pagans_is_your_teacher_truly_serving_the_gods_or_serving_their_self.mws valentinaxxx 2005-09-03T09:09:23-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/for_all_pagans_is_your_teacher_truly_serving_the_gods_or_serving_their_self.mws

You've seen the stereotypes at Pagan festivals.  The guy who looks like the gangsta version of a pagan hoodlum wearing a silver pentagram so wide and shiny it could double as a hubcab on a slick lowrider.  You've seen the haunty priestess in the velvet red cloak with her nose stuck up in the air claiming her past life experiences and dozens of intiaitions gives her the right to push you around.  There's also the selfish, borish, Rasputinesque priest who demands initiates petition him with money or sexual favors for knowledge and threatens them like a venegful Aliester Crowley when they got a fill of his ego and want to divorice themselves from his coven.  And if you've been searching for a group to belong to after finding the religion that feels right to you and all you come across are these hordes of selfish, poser-like Pagans all fighting and gossiping and spitting at each other in a perpetual contest of popularity and mind games, you're probably wondering why you became Pagan in the first place! 

In every religion and practice you will find individuals who seem to have been put in your path just to test your faith.  The best thing you can do is ignore them or warn others about them or just simply let these people go, for clearly their path is not yours and it's not worth your energy to contest against them.

I was taught to respect the differences and beliefs of All People.  It serves no purpose to preach one way and exclude and condemn the rest of humanity for being different.  The Gods are too big for us to fit them into one category or name or title.  In fact, religion is just one way to worship the Divine and magick is just one way to manifest a miracle.  There's no one secret cure-all formula to serve Mother Earth and her people.  "It takes a village," as they say and if you don't have a village, you might as well get out there on your own and begin one.  But if, on your way, you encounter a teacher you're just not sure about, here's a list I compiled of signs and traits to look out for in avoiding an elder who is wrong for you:

1.  The teacher considers his tradition to be the only "right" way.

2.  S/he speaks in a demeaning, condescending manner when discussing other religions, peoples, races, sexes, etc.  It's one thing to complain about not agreeing with someone else's ways, but it's quite another to harshly condemn someone else for worshipping and practicing a religion you don't agree with.  The biggest warning sign that this kind of elder is wrong is that they teach, by example, this hatred to their initiates and this can, if gone unchecked, lead to violence.

3.  Be especially aware of a teacher who makes inappropriate sexual statements or who also jokingly asks for sexual favors.  His/her joking around may not be a joke.  Time and time again I've seen the sexual relationships of teachers and students within Pagan circles get out of hand.  When the relationship ends, the rest of the circle suffers.  Divorices and break-ups between Pagan leaders due to infidelity is another culprit.  If your teacher is too busy screwing around in someone's pants (and I mean that in a not-so-healty way), they may not have time to devote to you or their Gods.  Now, I'm not against Pagans having sex, okay?  Even I've been guilty of this one, folks.  It's easy to forget that you're supposed to set an example to others when it feels so good to be seduced and carried away in the moment!

4.  Look for signs that suggest your teacher has been found to be unsavorly by former students and other teachers.  Few bad pagan elders are humble or strong enough to refrain from repeating their selfish ways and will go on to feed their bad reputation.  If you are warned about someone, you're welcome to take it with a grain of salt, but don't take it for granted.  The warning may save you a lot of pain.

5.   A bad teacher charges high fees for what s/he offers to teach you.  Don't be afraid to ask where your hard earned money will be going to.  Furthermore, it's not bad for someone to ask you to pay them for their services, it's altogether another matter when the teacher in question is taking extravagant vacations and buying expensive gifts.  It's best to see that the money is being using for temple supplies, musical instruments, and other implements for group worship and magickal work.  A truly wise and good teacher will ask for "dues" like any other club president would and not just demand payment for the wisdom they may or may not be able to give you.  Money that goes to Pagan temples are not offerings made for the High Priestess' personal use.  Also, keep in mind that anyone who isn't willing to provide spiritual services without profit is clearly just another persuasive salesperson seducing the cash out of your wallet to serve their own ego. 

Side note:  If you went to Sunday School, you'll probably remember the story of how Jesus kicked the asses of those merchants who were pandering their wares at the temple.  I've been noticing a trend at Pagan festivities and that is the presence of merchants selling all sorts of junk in the name of the Gods.  Sure, everyone has the right to make a living, but it's not exactly right to sell religion now is it?  Religion is about worship and seeking to align yourself with God.  Does it really matter if you're wearing the right pentagram or the most beautiful cloak or not?  Will you be less of a pagan or witch if you don't have an athame?  You can use the tip of your right index finger as an athame.  How do you think Pagans in prison practice their magico-religion?  It's time the merchants peddle their wares at a Psychic Faire or an Occult store and not a religious or spiritual function.

6.  Be careful when a teacher consistantly refers to you and your peers as "MY" STUDENTS or suddenly refers to you as "MY" FOLLOWER.  This term is used with a sense of ownership, implying that the elder does not consider you an individual.  Now, some traditions do have a grace period like some college fraternies do where you go through an intense initiatiory process meant to break you into the fold instead of gently welcoming you into the fold.  Such a process is meant to create character, courage, and strength much like the military does, yet even in these kind of martial arts-type of magickal groups, students are considered INITIATES not just your run-of-the-mill student.  Oher more appropriate terms are NEOPHYTE, NOVICE, CONVERT, or BEGINNER.  If anything, a beginning learner in Wicca is a student of the Gods.  To quote Scott Cunningham, "It's the Gods that make the Witch, not other Witches."  Keep that in mind always.

7.  Don't forget that no one is perfect and if someone claims to be perfect or "more spiritually evolved" than you, they're probably full of shit.  Don't buy into that.  I fear the day some idiot out there becomes the Pagan version of Jim Jones or David Corresh!

8.  Occult does not mean "a cult" but it can be when an egomaniac is at the head of an occult group!  This can happen in ANY religion.  Sometimes people revolve around one central person, a sort of cult of personality.  Be careful if you come across a group where all the members are singing the praises of their leader more than they do of their God/dess.  Once an individual who claims and is praised as a great leader sits down on his throne, s/he will dictate the personal lives of his/her group's members, claim that only their group has exclusive rights to the Gods, and will persuade you to harm others or yourself whenever they are threatened by those who may break their illusionary bubble of power.  Group members are also forbidden to leave the circle and the teacher or leader of the group will "hex" those individuals who escape. 

I once had a friend who escaped such a group.  Her former friends in the group turned on her and left the mutiliated corpses of animals at her doorstep, stalked her, left threatening messages, the whole works!  And this was one of those New Age/Reiki kind of groups.  Basically she left the group before they could further charge her money for their teachings.  Others left before her so the group was really getting strapped for cash and the leader was deseparte.  It was insane.  She's okay now.  The former group leader was caught dealing Heroin and now sits in prison.  True story.

9.  Another thing you should look out for are teachers who always seem to be in trouble and everywhere they go they bring this cloud of anger and bitterness with them.  Of course not everyone is perfectly cheery all the time, but someone who is not emotionally sound should get some healing before continuing to lead or teach.  I wouldn't totally write off this kind of teacher, but you have to wonder if they're the right one for you if they're leaving you blue due to all their numerous woes.  I suggest pray for them and be patient with them, but don't let them bring you down with them.

10.  This is a new bit of information I've come across; best friends do not necessarily make good teachers!  A good teacher can be like a friend, but they don't have that objectivity and reserve that makes a teacher a dependable resource.  It's the same thing with co-workers and roommates; you could be wonderful friends but once you live together or deal with each other in the work place, it brings a whole different dynamic to the relationship, one that could prove to break the bond instead of strengthen it.  I still have this bit of distance between myself and my teachers.  We don't bow or curtsey to one another and most of words we share are pretty informal, but there's that respect for authority that dominates my interaction with them, a respect that isn't ordered out of me, if you know what I mean.  Your best friend may be a great teacher for others but could be a bad teacher for you because you're more likely to speak freely and talk back at them than you would a professor of religious studies.

Also keep in mind that lovers do not make good teachers either.  I've made the mistake of almost getting married to one of mine.   It's such a long, sad, petty story that I won't bore you with the melodramatic soap operatic details.  Just remember to keep some of these points in mind while still keeping an open mind and decide for yourself what is best for you.  The Gods bring us all together so that we can learn how to be better human beings! 

 

 

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/for_all_pagans_is_your_teacher_truly_serving_the_gods_or_serving_their_self.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/some_more_blog_template_designs_for_those_whove_been_missing_mine.mws valentinaxxx 2005-09-04T02:09:50-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/some_more_blog_template_designs_for_those_whove_been_missing_mine.mws

I decided to take way too much time out again tonight to create a few more blog designs. 

Celtic Spirals
Celtic Eve
Celtic Isle
Ghostly Sisters
Sew Special (inspired by a vintage doll, can you guess who she is?)
"Ossian Recieving the Ghosts of French Heroes" by Girodet (just doing my part to bring a little art history to the Mindsay masses)

I was going to do a special vintage New Orleans template to incite hope and memories, but in the aftermath of the hurricane, I have a feeling some other Mindsay designer may beat me to it, so I'm leaving that alone for now.  I'll review old requests that I never got to and do a few more designs after the holiday weekend.  For now, I'm spent!!!  Have a great time all you cool cats and groovy chics.

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/some_more_blog_template_designs_for_those_whove_been_missing_mine.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/remembering_and_still_recovering.mws valentinaxxx 2005-09-05T09:09:16-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/remembering_and_still_recovering.mws

A year ago this weekend, something happened to me that forced me to leave my hometown, Milwaukee.  It was a sudden, traumatic event that still gives me nightmares and anxiety about leaving home.  My father had just picked me up from the UWM computer lab (I had been busy typing and editing his memoirs from WWII) and I managed to quickly get into the house to drop off my portfolio and knapsack.  It was only about 9:30PM and we were going to head back out into the night for a snack at McDonald's.  Before I attempted to head back out the door, I saw through the back door window that my father was being held up by gun point by two men I'd never seen in our neighborhood before.    

Ray, my dad, always instructed me to hurry up and get inside late at night because we had to drive through a back alley to get to his house and sometimes bums would hang about.  Ray lives in the Washington Park neighborhood where beyond the cute little vintage Victorian homes, lots of people have a problem with Crack cocaine and poverty.  He's lived there for nearly forty years and, even though he talks about moving, he clearly isn't going anywhere else anytime soon.  He's 82 years old and it's his neighborhood.  Everyone nearby knows him as "Old Ray" the American Indian WWII & Korean War vet who restores old cars and is always willing to help you out if you got car trouble.  He doesn't have a lot of money because he spends it all on car parts and frequently goes to the Potawatomi Bingo Casino to try to double or triple his monthly pension.  He's a strong old fart with high principles who has survived more tragedies than I can count.

In horror, I watched my father forced into a kneeling position with his hands up as the men demanded money out of him.  My own knees buckled and a heavy weight of fear and sorrow welled up in my chest.  In those moments, I thought I was about to witness the death of my father.  When one of the men got up to check the back door, I fled upstairs, shaking, too afraid to even reach for the phone in the living room to dial 911.  The sound of my own breath was so loud, I had to temporarily hold it so I can keep an ear open to the goings on outside, all the while praying that Ray would make it alive.  When I heard the backdoor creak open, I looked for anything I could use as a weapon and when I didn't find anything but the remote control for the TV, I wondered if this night would be my last.  Then I heard the door's lock latch shut and my father's familiar shuffled steps and only then could I breathe a little easier.

Softly, he choked out a strangled cry for me.  "VAL?"  I felt numb and my stomach twisted as I greeted my father.  When he saw me, his worried expression changed from fear to anger.  "I just got held up!  Where were you?!"  I told him I was right here, that I saw what was happening, and like a little fawn in the forest, I took cover.  He yelled at me for doing that and then praised me for hiding.  We were both so shook up.  I dared to ask my dad if the men had threatened to come back and why did they let him go?  "They only took me for seven dollars," he answered, "we're lucky I had some emergency cash in the car."  He didn't think the men saw me and, even though we were both hungry, Ray felt it best we stay home, go without supper, and not call the police.  "The neighborhood boys cover for each other," he said, "if we go snitchin' on them, they'll pay us back by breaking the windows or stealing one of my cars."  Apparently they were just after some quick cash to support their crack habit.

So we held back from calling any emergency services, keep all the lights on all night long, and stayed awake.  There was no rest.  I didn't want to stay in my father's house and I couldn't leave and I didn't dare call one of my friends to come pick me up for fear that they, too, would be held up or, worse yet, shot.  I began to panick, weep, and shake.  I called everyone I knew and couldn't get a hold of anyone with the exception of Kassy Gruszkowski-Quirke.  

Even though Kassy was quite tired after work and it being after 10PM, she took the time to listen and pray with me.  She asked me why I hadn't called Andrew and, just after she asked that, another call came in and it was one of those times my best friend pulled me through.  I'll never forget it.  The quick counselling and prayers were just a band-aid, though.  The next night my friend Rachael allowed me to sleep over at her aparment.  Rachael is like a big Mommy figure whose arms feel strong and nurturing enough to encompass the world.  "Remember, Val," she told me, "it's going to take more than a couple nights spent here for you to get over this, okay?" 

Two nights after the hold up, I told my father to check me into a psych ward because I could not stop shaking and crying.  He downright refused and drove me up to Stevens Point instead.  My brother welcomed me and I've been recovering ever since.  I still cower late at night at home whenever I mistake someone shooting off a bottle rocket for a gunshot. I still have a hard time leaving the country back roads for the cities.  I sleep way too much.  And take an anti-depressant, Lexapro, to get me through my anxieties and meet with a therapist once a month for Post Traumatic Stress and Panic Disorder.

One year later and I'm watching the news coverage of the hurricane Katrina victims in New Orleans and can't help but want to go down there and help counsel those whose experience with disaster and violence is much worse.  I want to seek out Voudon Priestesses and practitioners who survived and work powerful magick to heal the survivors.  Yet can someone, like me, still hurting get strong enough now to help others hurting? 

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/remembering_and_still_recovering.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/grieving_the_loss_of_a_love.mws valentinaxxx 2005-09-07T09:09:07-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/grieving_the_loss_of_a_love.mws

Just found out today that my former best friend, Andrew, had been seeing Andrea for several months and that they went to Ireland together as far back as March.  Andrew had plenty of time to tell me that his relationship with her was important and serious enough to warrant an engagement.  It was also as far back as March that he and I were still carrying our sexual relationship on the phone.  I find it just bizarre how sudden his wedding taking place in October is and I'm not the only friend who is disturbed by this.  Sure, it's his life and he's made his decision, but it's rare that impulsive marriages like this work out.  I'm torn between wanting to wish him well and wishing I could still be his best friend, and just wanting to bite his head off and wish him not so well, and tell him he's crazy and stupid for giving me up, for not giving me a chance to know his new love, for not sharing like I've always shared with him, and wanting to say "how could you do this to me?"  I try to hold on to the good memories and have stored all my photographs of him and I in a safety deposit box.  It really is like he just died.

There should be services somewhere out there for people mourning the loss of a love.  A ceremony perhaps where you can gather with friends and grieve for a lost love, not just have funerals for dead loves.  Do you agree?

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/grieving_the_loss_of_a_love.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/art_inspired_by_the_last_week.mws valentinaxxx 2005-09-08T09:09:43-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/art_inspired_by_the_last_week.mws

I still do not yet know what the visions I had over the hurricane mean or if they mean anything to anyone else out there.  I'm still sketching the faces I've seen in my dreams.  In any case, here is a painting of Eruzlie.  She looked exactly like this when I saw her cover/embrace a bird's eye view of New Orleans:

If you're Catholic, you might see her as Saint Mary and the white dove of peace.  You wouldn't be wrong with that view.  Other religions will see someone else.  I have to point out that she wasn't "white" but had mocha-like colored skin with thick blond hair; she was Creole for sure.  I've seen her in other dreams of mine and I still look at this painting and feel blessed that the Gods have given me the talent and skill to conceive such an image.

Next, I illustrated my grief over the loss of my best friend and how somehow I was uplifted by the spirits around me.  I saw myself in a pool of my own tears.  The All-Seeing eye in the first painting is my friend watching me whom I imagine is also upset that things aren't working out.  All around it a scroll reads, "Of all my sorrows spent, the deepest tears are for one who crushed my heart with his embrace.  How can I trust myself to Love when all my love went to him, and all of his went to her..."

The second painting is me being lifted out of my tears by a guardian snake angel (of sorts) who is carrying me off to safety.  While I am carried, the constriction of the snake is symbolic of restricting myself from my emotions.  In order to function, get my rent paid, and food on the table, I can't keep weeping all the time.  My body is pale white, the same color of a pill, and the white lines coming out of the water are the thoughts/words previous that bound me to my tears.  Yet despite being saved from myself, my thoughts take over.  I question, "Who can I dream of now?  Who do I love now?  Who's left to long for?  If I'm not alone, why isn't anyone here?" and "Is the thing I hold, hold me?"  Quietly, the snake shushes me with "hush! shhhh...!"   

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/art_inspired_by_the_last_week.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/introducing_my_new_project_big_mama_goth.mws valentinaxxx 2005-09-08T10:09:56-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/introducing_my_new_project_big_mama_goth.mws

Well, folks, this is just a blurb to let ya know I started a new comic strip all for my Mindsay friends!  Go visit http://bigmamagoth.mindsay.com/ and preview what little I have in store.  The comic strips will come out weekly every Friday/Sunday (depending how fast I can finish 'em) and I want to do a "Big Mama Goth's Gothic Song of the Night" thing, too.  Bye for now, later!

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/introducing_my_new_project_big_mama_goth.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/love_will_tear_us_apart_the_depressing_drama_of_a_failed_relationship.mws valentinaxxx 2005-09-09T10:09:35-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/love_will_tear_us_apart_the_depressing_drama_of_a_failed_relationship.mws

Okay, so I'm trying not to delve into a huge terrible detailed entry where I mope or complain about a friend who has really gone off the deep end in his relationship choices.  My good friend, miyamom recieved an email from Andrew's bride-to-be, Andrea, inviting her to the wedding.  Miya and I are former lovers of Andrew and we're not only disturbed by the sudden announcement, we just think it's awkward and rude to be invited to a wedding for someone who we used to fuck.  When Miya informed Andrew that she wasn't going (and for good reason, I mean, come on!), he gripes at her and conjoles her.  I'm glad I put a lock on my email addresses so he won't dare email me any invites.  It's like asking a Disney Witch to host the Mickey Mouse Club -- it would just be so wrong. 

First off, some advice to brides-to-be: DON'T email or invite all of your fiance's ex-lovers to your wedding.  It's not only rude, it's offensive, and very hurtful.  We want to remember the good times we had with our former lover and best friend, not sit and seethe with jealousy or weep ourselves into the next available pillow as our ex-boyfriend slips a wedding band on a the woman we'll never be for him; his wife.  And if you're inviting your husband-to-be's ex-loves in order to validate, to yourself or to him, your love, well, there's nothing lovely about that is there?  It's not only bad wedding etiquette, it's just wrong, wrong, wrong!!! 

And, Andrew, if you're taking a peek at my blog today, please have the courtesy to realize how awkward it would be for Miya to be there!  Besides, we might all go Springer-esque on your ass.  That might be fun to watch on video, but not the kind of stuff you want to remember for the rest of your wedded life!  Just leave us alone, now, please!

And if he's wondering why I put an end to our friendship, we'll, let's recap all the things Andrew has done wrong in this situation to warrant that break-up.  The last time I talked with Andrew it was the first week of August and we were still carrying on our normal sexual inneuendos as if he were still single!  A week later I got a cold, mass email invite to a housewarming hosted by his new flame and I am, naturally, startled and upset because I didn't know he wasn't single, much less seriously involved with someone who was important enough for him to buy a house with.  As if that weren't bad enough, then came the wedding announcement inflicted on me right when I was seeking my former best friend's goodwill for Katrina victims. 

Can you see no room for forgiveness in this?  Other mutual friends are upset by these sudden nuptials.  It's one thing to be carried away in love and another to disregard all the people who've cared and nurtured you!

See, in my opinion, weddings aren't just for the two lovers getting hitched; it's about gathering with all your loved ones, family and friends, and celebrating true love.  In this case, I see no love involved.  Am I wrong in this assumption?  Joy Division's "Love Will Tear Us Apart" keeps playing in my mind, so that's probably going to be tonight's gothic rock song!

And, you know what, there is one wedding I want to attend and that's the joining of my two great friends, Jennifer Clark and Damien Jones.  mamachameleon, you and Damien have wheathered so many storms and still you're together.  I really can't wait to celebrate your love for one another!!!

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/love_will_tear_us_apart_the_depressing_drama_of_a_failed_relationship.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/anger_turns_to_annoyance.mws valentinaxxx 2005-09-10T09:09:29-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/anger_turns_to_annoyance.mws

I've decided that it's not only a waste of time and energy, it's unhealthy for me to dwell too much on a relationship that didn't work out.  I've had to weed through mutual friends and tell everyone to stop discussing Andrew with me.  He was a big part of my life that has died and turning over his corpse just leaves me with a big stink and then I feel poisoned again.  It's time for me to focus on the friendships that truly bring me joy and comfort.  Time to stop longing for someone who will never be mine.  Time to start loving myself like I've never done before.

Now if only the memories would stop annoying me!

I think on Samhain (October 31st) I'm going to have a ceremony, like a funeral for the death of this friendship.  I'll bury him somewhere where he doesn't hurt me anymore and ask the Gods to keep the key to my heart until someone worthy of my love comes to me again.

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/anger_turns_to_annoyance.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/my_near_death_experiences.mws valentinaxxx 2005-09-10T10:09:11-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/my_near_death_experiences.mws

The first time it happened, I was only 11.  I had no fear of death or pain.  I was a very active little girl and my favorite places to play lay in the Ozark woodlands just outside of Springfield, Missouri.  The year was 1981, the month of August, and my mother had moved us south so she could attend classes at Central Bible College.  Without our mama around, we were adopted by a "babysitter" who became our Big Brother, Paul Doolin.  Paul was also a student at CBC and an aspiring Assembly of God pastor.  He taught me a lot about spirituality and was the first man I can honestly, sweetly say was my "father figure."  Ten years later Paul would come out of the closet and ditch his preaching for a teaching career, but that's another story for another time.  In August 1981, Paul took me and my brother on one of many camping trips.  For two city kids who've never experienced the great outdoors before, it was an adventure.  Paul took us through caves, we hiked, collected wildflowers, went fishing, and yes, we went swimming...

I used to swim out in the deep water, far away from everyone at the shore.  I hoped I'd become a mermaid or find sunk treasure.  When I wasn't swimming, I'd float in the water, close my eyes, and let the water pull me.  I loved the sensation of floating.  I imagined I'd drift off into another world.  I had read "The Chronicles of Narnia" by C.S. Lewis and so wanted to magically leave this world behind. On the day I first died, I was doing just that.  But then a shooting, searing pain hit me and the lower half of my body went cold and numb.  I suddenly felt very heavy and could not keep myself afloat on the water.  I opened my eyes and tried to scream for help.  I shifted my body to right myself and maybe somehow dog paddle back to shore, but I had floated too far out in the river.  When the paralysis continued, I began to panic and, to my horror, sink!

It was as if the river was swallowing me.  Paul, my brother Mark, and the other campers were too faraway from me to know if anything was wrong.  I tried to fight the water but it was no use, the current underneath me was strong and it wasn't long before I couldn't hold my breath.  I remember looking up at the surface of the water and there was a long moment of a burn tearing through my throat and chest, a feeling not too unlike the heartburn of acid reflux; this was the river water rushing into my lungs.  I couldn't close my eyes.  Sinking soon felt like floating and then another weird moment came with the feeling that I was no longer myself, that I was the river itself.  And there was the rubbery, metallic, dirt taste of the river water bubbling in and out of my mouth.

Have you ever heard the sound of someone's voice underwater?  Do you know the rushing roar of something large moving towards you while you're underwater?  Something that sounded like that broke through the surface above me and I was pulled.  I still can't forget what being underwater sounded like, like my ears all swelled up and fuzzy, like being full and empty at the same time.  As I was lifted up to the world of air again, the pain returned but none of the feeling.

The river didn't want me.  It belched me up.  Sent my body back into Paul's arms.  He tugged me unto a raft.  Panic surged through me again when I anticipated the return of pain and the terrible struggle to breathe.  Breaking the surface was dizzying, like being lifted out much higher than the surface of the water, and then spun back around again.  And I was feverish.  My lips two fat worms without sound, just spit.  I didn't want to die but at the moment of coming back to life, I would've liked being in a place where I couldn't feel anything anymore better.  Living is hard, dying is easy as the sailors say.

The next thing I remember was waking up and choking out water, lots of water.  My ears popped and my heart pounded.  My nose burned.  And I was embarassed.  It was the first time a grown man had his body and lips over mine and everyone was looking down on me, smiling.  I screamed into tears. 

I found out minutes later that I had been bitten by a Cottonmouth Water Moccasin, hence I was temporarily paralyzed and drowned.  I never saw the snake that bit me and I never developed a fear of snakes, only a fear of deep water and being too far from land.  There is nothing more terrorifying than not being able to feel what is underneath you!

=======================

The next time I died, I had invited death into my body.  It happened seven years later, December 20th 1989, a few hours after I was brutally beaten and raped by an aquaintence, just ten days before my 19th birthday.  I was so sore, my nostrils caked with drying blood, and all I could think about was how broken I was, that no one would ever want me after this.  One of my roommates was a nurse, she kept numerous drugs in the bathroom and, even though I was largely ignorant of which ones would do me the most harm, I grabbed a glass of wine and just started swallowing as many pills as I could.  Then I flooded my system with as much rubbing alcohol as I could muster down my throat.  Why was I so much more brutal to myself than my rapist was?  I still can't answer that one.

The burning that I felt in my chest and throat when I had drowned, returned, but this time with it came the urge to purge.  I didn't expect my body to reject what I had put into it.  I thought I would just romantically fall over and die.  I ended up passing out over the toilet and was found with my head stuck in it.

I next found myself lying in the back seat of my friend Melissa's car.  The amber glow of street lights stung at my eyes and trails of whizzying lights stabbed at my skull and my stomach seemed to lurch forward with the car.  I begged to go home to sleep, but Melissa wouldn't dream of it.  I closed my eyes and drifted.  It was the drowsey exiting of my soul.

*BAM!* I'm slammed onto a table and people are yelling all around me.  I briefly feel everything.  The cold metal underneath the bedding underneath my back, the hospital light eating into my face, the hot breath of a male nurse cussing, and plastic crap shoved down my throat.  I gagg a little and force things back down.  Why were they fighting to make me live?

Some people who have died only to come back to life again will tell you that they see a bright light at the end of a tunnel.  Sounds cliche, right?  Well, it is, kind of, but it was a little different in my case.  I can't tell you much about the transition between the experience of dying and then drifting into that state of emptiness, I just felt "slammed" downward to find myself in a tunnel.  In the distance there was a light but it was unlike any light you'd see normally.  It was like having your eyes closed while standing in sunlight -- you feel the light more than you see it.  And this light underground was cold, more like moonlight seen down the barrell of a shotgun.

I remember it like I was alive, really, and that all I had to do was walk down the tunnel and get outside to walk home again.  I also remember being very hungry.  Which, now that I think of it, makes me no longer wonder why there are so many legends about the dead hungering after the living.  When I moved forward, I realized I had no legs.  The shock of this almost crushed me inside.  I leaned against the walls of the tunnel and couldn't move.  The walls were not made of stone, they were like flesh, wet and damp, and I could hear water dripping somewhere all around me.  Then, from out of the dark behind me, I was startled by a guy nicknamed "Cheesy" who had been a drinking buddy of mine since 10th grade.  Cheesy committed suicide by taking a shotgun blast to his forehead two months before and I was there at the party when he died.  I had watched him take his last breath, if you could call it that considering that he didn't have much of head left after he blew himself to kingdom come.  To see him again was a shock.  He pushed me away from the wall and scolded me.  "What are you doing here?!  Get out!" He cried.  Then he came at me with fists punching and his head exploding all over again.  His was a face shattered by fire and grief.  The blast of him shoved me upward.

Just as I was suddenly abused by Cheesy's anger, I was embraced by golden light.  This light was different than the one I experienced in the tunnel.  This was like the reflection of sunlight on polished gold and it was pulsing and breathing.  I was filled with outrageous joy as the golden light shimmered and seemed to inhale the air like someone about to speak.  Like an eyelid opening, an unearthly figure began to emerge.  It was definitely a She, her face compassion itself, and her body made up of many, many wings that were made up of many, many little unblinking eyes.  She was not human.  She was pure and loving.  She was a Goddess.  She said, "You are my Witch.  You have much work to do."  Her lips never moved, all of Her eyes kept staring at me, and I didn't want to leave, I wanted to be with Her forever.  All at once, I knew Her.  One magical name: ISIS.

I had been in a coma for two days and woke up in a Catholic hospital.  You can just imagine what sort of reaction I got when I claimed I experienced a Goddess and not the Virgin Mary.  My fundamentalist Christian mother considers what I experienced a miracle, that I was saved by an angel.  But only I can tell you the truth and I'm telling you that She is real.

Five weeks after surviving my suicide, I decided to become a Witch and have been ever since.  Isis was right.  I have a lot of work to do!  So, every now and then, when I get depressed and think I'm going to be killed by the grief of unrequited love, I remind myself that I've been through this, that I've gone through much harder obstacles and I'm back to tell the tale.  Call me a vampire, zombie, whatever.  You can even tell me that everything I experienced was a hallucination due to lack of oxygen to the brain, it doesn't matter.  What matters is that I survived and have something to live for.

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/my_near_death_experiences.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/in_response_to_my_irish_pen_pals_request_im_surveying_you_pauly.mws valentinaxxx 2005-09-10T11:09:20-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/in_response_to_my_irish_pen_pals_request_im_surveying_you_pauly.mws

From Paul's blog: Bring it on People!!!

1. Who are you?  I'm Valentina, your American pen pal who met you about three (or was it two?) years ago online at "love.org" an online dating site that no longer exists!  And yet we do.  Go figure. 
2. Are we friends? I believe so, matey.
3. When and how did we meet?  Oooh, we have yet to meet in the flesh (what a weird saying that is!) and we keep meeting on email.  I think you were the one that emailed me first and I emailed back on a whim.  It's been fun to get your little messages of encouragement and humor.  The cartoons are great and so are the other little internet thingies you've drawn my attention to over time.
4. Do you have a crush on me? Hmmm...  I don't think I know you enough to have a crush on you, but from the pictures I've seen of you, maybe I will someday if I'm (or you're) not careful!  Yowch.
5. Would you kiss me? Of course I would.  You're Irish.
6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.  Okay, really uncreative one and probably one you already have: Pauly.  Don't know why it sticks but I think, oh, say, "propeller butt" would be better and make you sound less like Pauly Shore.  I'd call you "propeller butt" because of the tattoo you told me you want put on your buttocks.
7. Describe me in one word.  Spritely. 
8. What was your first impression?  That you're a lot of fun, open-minded, maybe even a little crazy, but in a good way!
9. Do you still think that way about me now? Yep.
10. What reminds you of me?  Hot rods and muscle cars.  For some reason I also am reminded of you whenever I see pictures of the north atlantic sea.  I actually dreamt about you once.  You kinda just popped in to say hi kind of thing and there was a storm on the horizon over the sea.  I've never actually seen the ocean and it was weird to see Swans swimming on rough waves.  And Tori Amos was in the dream, too.  She wanted to go hiking. 
11. If you could give me anything what would it be? A painting of something cool.
12. How well do you know me? Hmmm.... Not all that well, just enough to be interested in what you have to say and think.  Oh, and know you enough that I can tell we'd get along as friends.
13. When's the last time you saw me? Last time I checked out your profile at the "fishy site"
14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't? You have the prettiest eyes I've ever seen on a guy.  I didn't want to say that without giving the impression that I'm calling you a sissy!
15. Are you going to put this on your blog and see what I say about you?(just did!) Yep.  Whoo-hoo!  Let the mutual surveying begin!

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/in_response_to_my_irish_pen_pals_request_im_surveying_you_pauly.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/because_jenn_wants_me_to_do_her_too.mws valentinaxxx 2005-09-12T08:09:26-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/because_jenn_wants_me_to_do_her_too.mws For mamachameleon's blog:

1. Who are you?  I'm Auntie Val!

2. Are we friends? Yes.  WE've been friends for, oh, going on four years (or is it five?) now.

3. When and how did we meet?   We met and became friends after I helped banish a ghost from your house in 2001.  Now that was a story we could've aired on Unsolved Mysteries!  I'll never forget doing that investigation or the videotape Denny made that made it seem like our own version of "Blair Witch."  It was probably the uncanniest way I ever met a good friend like you.  Normally whenever I did haunting investigations in the past, I would just attract weirdos.  Instead, we just clicked.  We've spent many a cigarette and Pepsi stained night bitching about other people with you ever since.  I miss our late night chats.  You've made the times after Andrew and Greg broke my heart more bearable, too.

4. Do you have a crush on me? To tell ya the truth, I think I do.  You have the cutest little nose that wiggles when you laugh.  My crush on you is not sexual, just the kind that I'd have for any girlfriend who keeps me young!

5. Would you kiss me? Yes.  Just to freak out Damien and Denny!  "Hello, Lesbians!!!"

6. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.  Jen-Jenn the Purple Freak because you love purple and "Jen-Jenn" just sounds cute.

7. Describe me in one word.  Strong. 
8. What was your first impression?  That you were an over-worked Mom and needed a break.  You also needed a shoulder to cry on and were desperate to understand the unseen things in the world that were making your life hell.  Since that long ago winter I think you've come a long way in learning how to deal with the Spiritworld and have become stronger, more stable, too.  You've certainly been through a lot of ups and downs.

9. Do you still think that way about me now? Not really.  You've matured a lot and have emerged seemingly more secure.

10. What reminds you of me?  Rufus Wainwright songs.  Coffee and cigarettes.  Chocolate bars and late night diners. 

11. If you could give me anything what would it be? Since it would be "anything" and assuming I could give you anything your heart desired, I'd say MONEY and lots of it so we can open a business together.  The business would open on the East or Riverwest side, it would be called something like "HOmade" and would offer crafting supplies, cards, novelty gifts, incense, perfumes, soaps, etc.!

12. How well do you know me? Well enough to know what annoys you and who is best at annoying you!

13. When's the last time you saw me? I saw you a couple days before my dad got held up -- Labor day weekend just after we stopped at your folks' for some picnic food.  I stayed over night and started to get sick to my stomach.  We feared maybe I was pregnant but it was a false alarm -- it was the start of an intenstinal infection that wasn't cured until a month later when I moved back to Stevens Point.  The last time I talked with you on the phone was in mid June just before my phone was disconnected.  I was having a hormonal imbalance and a doctor really made me feel bad for not having children.  You put Levon on the phone so that I could feel better knowing that being an Aunt is just as cool as being a Mom!

14. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't? Yeah, but then I tell you everything anyways!  So maybe there were periods where I thought, "Oh, no I can't tell her anything cuz she'll then tell Damien..."  But then I would think, "Damien probably already knows anyway."  And he did!  It's like you Damien have a telepathic link or something.  Anyways, now that I think of it, there really isn't anything I couldn't tell you, really.

15. Are you going to put this on your blog and see what I say about you? Sure will.  As you requested, chica!

Now it's your turn, Jenn!!!

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/because_jenn_wants_me_to_do_her_too.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/another_important_part_of_my_life_ends.mws valentinaxxx 2005-09-12T09:09:28-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/another_important_part_of_my_life_ends.mws

Just when I think I've had enough and am about to breathe easier, I am handed more sudden and drastic news.  The imported goods store I've worked at for several years will be closing.  At first I was told we had until November and so, Dala, my manager opted to buy the business from the current owner.  As soon as she expressed that interest and started getting the paperwork together, the current owner is now talking about staying open until after Christmas and then leaving the place to her in January.  In any case, "Vagabond Imports" has to move out of the building its been in for 25 years because the new owner of the building is charging way too much rent for us to stay open in that building.  Upstairs they are building luxury apartments of which they will charge an outrageous amount of rent for that no university student in the area could afford (unless their parents are rich).  $950 a month for a measly one bedroom apartment space.  Can you believe it?  This is Stevens Point not Milwaukee, folks, and the apartments aren't THAT fancy. 

So, come October 31st my best friend is out of my life for good and so is the job I've loved for many years.  I worked at Vagabond on and off for about six years and was a customer there for even longer.  I've been weeping like there is no tomorrow, wondering if I'll ever have security ever again...  I mean, this is the fourth business I've worked at that is closing.  I'm beginning to realize that a retail sales job is not for me anymore.  I have to look for a new way to make a living or just return to college.  I do not know what I'm going to do now.

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/another_important_part_of_my_life_ends.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/im_not_your_corpse_i_am_not_dead.mws valentinaxxx 2005-09-14T01:09:41-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/im_not_your_corpse_i_am_not_dead.mws

You think you're safe with me underneath you

That life is more alive for you with me gone

with my tears only the traces of dried up rivers

with my empty arms limp from your exhausted lust

with my lips torn from screaming out your name

with my eyes blind after staring at you too much

with my heart leaping out of my body to chase after yours

with my mind wildly wondering why you buried me

You dropped me for dead

So you could pretend

that this thing you call love

with someone else will never end

You want me to lie down,

be quiet, be a good girl,

smile on command,

kneel at your cock,

roll over, play dead...

You want me to make everything easier for you

You ask me to sacrifice my strength

to disarm my courage

to ignore my truth

to silence my outrage

You shove yourself down my throat

But I choked you out

I will not be a vessel for your guilt

You want me to be a monster

So you can be a savior

You want to kill me

So you can be a hero

You want to steal my crown

So that you can be a king

You want me to die

So you can breathe easier again

Nothing quickens my passion more than love denied to one who deserved it best

But who am I kidding, expecting love from someone who couldn't care less?

Only someone who didn't love me would treat me like this

And no amount of "sorry" will wipe the stains of you from my mouth

This is how you wanted me

You wanted me to end

But instead that part of me that loved you died so that I can live.

(Gods, it felt good to write that! -V. Kaquatosh)

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/im_not_your_corpse_i_am_not_dead.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/lots_o_drama_at_work.mws valentinaxxx 2005-09-14T11:09:15-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/lots_o_drama_at_work.mws

It took a lot of strength to get out of bed today.  Things were hard at work.  Dala is losing her mind.  She's not going to buy the business from the current owner and we just got word that we will be out of work by November 1st.  Friday is the first day of the store closing sale and I'm fighting off tears and anxiety.  I know I should take this as a sign to move out of Stevens Point and get a better job elsewhere, but it's not just a job I want, it's a career!  In any case, I'm getting evicted, and with Andrew's marriage announcement ringing the death toll of our friendship, and my favorite job ending all in the same week, it's my heart that's breaking and I need escape.  I wish changes would come softly, not so hard and swiftly.  And I wish I had a net to fall into in case I break anything else!

One of these days I'll learn how to coast along more smoothely.  For now, I've got Lorazepam. 

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/lots_o_drama_at_work.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/this_about_sums_up_a_lot_of_things_in_my_life.mws valentinaxxx 2005-09-15T12:09:02-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/this_about_sums_up_a_lot_of_things_in_my_life.mws
My life is rated NC-17.
What is your life rated?

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/this_about_sums_up_a_lot_of_things_in_my_life.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/sleepy_head_val.mws valentinaxxx 2005-09-16T01:09:52-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/sleepy_head_val.mws

Today I slept like the undead.   Woke briefly in the afternoon and was still so exhausted, I fell asleep while getting dressed.  I just eased back into my blankets and literally dreamt I was awake and carrying on with the day.  When next I woke around 6pm, I felt terrible because at first I was so groggy that I thought I had only slept a few hours and it was still night out, but after looking at the clock to realize it was 6pm and not 6am, I almost screamed.  I think sometimes my escape from the world is to stay asleep.  After all the stress I've had the last few weeks, I needed to play dead.  But I can't do it for long.  At some point I have to wake up and be alive.  However, tonight I'm really like the undead.  I've slept for more than 12 hours and will probably stay awake til dawn when I'll collapse for a few hours before work.

And to think that today I was going to try to stay awake to look through jobs!  Well, I'm doing it now, but, man, where did my energy go?

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/sleepy_head_val.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/some_kind_of_strange_omen.mws valentinaxxx 2005-09-16T05:09:29-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/some_kind_of_strange_omen.mws

The world is different at 4:30am.  Better than 1am.  It's cold out and the sky is a perfect kind of cobalt blue before the sunrise spoils it.  There's only a trace of birds crying in the distance and I feel slightly numb from sitting for so long.  My eyes are itchy and blurry from scrolling through want ads.  I took a break from it all to sit and have a cigarette.  My first one in over a year and I could really knock myself in the head for it.  As I inhale smoke, I smell roses.  Odd.  I don't think about it for long but the smell won't get out of my nose.  I look over next to me where there's a garbage dump.  Someone threw out two dozen long stemmed roses in my favorite color; dark red.  They're still wrapped in plastic and there's a card attached.  I abandon the cigarette to retrieve the roses and read the card.  In smeared ball point pen it reads: "Will you marry me?" And I laugh.  Apparently someone's answer was a "no."  If it had been a "yes" those roses would've been saved and cherished by someone. 

It's like a gift from the universe.  You can't make this stuff up. 

I'm going to keep the roses for myself.

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/some_kind_of_strange_omen.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/things_progressing.mws valentinaxxx 2005-09-16T11:09:21-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/things_progressing.mws

Busy working on some spanking new blog template designs to keep my chin up.  Work was hard today and my doctor increased my medication to combat any possible panic attacks that might come up.  I did have a small one today and it came with a vision.  I saw my co-worker, Dala, in a nursing home as a patient.  I couldn't get the smell of the nursing home out of my mind and when I told Dala about the vision, she assured me that she will be okay.  In any case, she overworked herself and I saw it as a bad omen for her and it did fill me with great fear for her health.  I hope she doesn't make my vision come true.

I'm also going to do a few Tarot readings for myself tonight about possible jobs and relocating.  I'll write more about that later.

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/things_progressing.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/oh_yeah_new_to_preview_blog_template_designs.mws valentinaxxx 2005-09-18T12:09:56-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/oh_yeah_new_to_preview_blog_template_designs.mws

I'm crazy.  Just created 12 new ones using mybigmamagoth blog:
Broken Heart
Che Guevara
Heavenly
New Orleans
Dali's "Swans Reflecting Elephants"
Happy Hour
Abracadabra! Rabbit in the Hat
Hot Sax
Scottish 1
Scottish 2
Freaky Tree
Art Nouveau

Am now being kicked out of the computer lab.  I stayed here too long!

 

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/oh_yeah_new_to_preview_blog_template_designs.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/the_debut_of_big_mama_goth.mws valentinaxxx 2005-09-19T03:09:49-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/the_debut_of_big_mama_goth.mws

Yes, friends, I finally finished a few bigmamagoth comic strips:

"Corset Time"

"Some Kind of Introduction"

Hope you guys like 'em.  I finished them in a hurry so my inking is a tad bit below my standard of excellence, but it does have a nice calligraphy feel.  Since news of my store closing, customers are raiding the shelves leaving me barely enough time to catch a breath.  Seriously.  The Stevens Point hippies are buying the Nag Champa like people who buy tons of toilet paper just before a hurricane!  The humanity!  *sigh* Ah, but it's the spice of life that keeps me smiling... And one of these days I will finally be making a living at what I love and what I do best.  Think of my  bigmamagoth blog as a test site for my comic art.  There's more to come...

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/the_debut_of_big_mama_goth.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/some_thoughts_about_gods_and_religious_world_views.mws valentinaxxx 2005-09-20T03:09:21-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/some_thoughts_about_gods_and_religious_world_views.mws

After listening to "Afraid of Gods" by Sean Sonnet (which I picked for the Gothic Song of the Night), I wrote this:

Why are there so many religions?  You might as well ask why does each culture think that they own God.  We are all different, yet so many people want everyone else to be the same.  It's a fundamental part of being human -- the longing to be part of a group or family that is considered "right" with a holy mission to fight against the wrong.  To seduce the masses into being "one body" or organization that is into one particular God, recruitment of the disenfrancised happens and a rejection and rebellion against one's origins begins.  I think this is why religious wars happen.  There's also that elusive heavenly reward that can seduce people out of their sensibilities and give their lives up for a cause.  But is life on the other side better than this one if you committ suicide for God?  I sometimes think that we all fight against those we percieve seek to surpress our freedom just so we can be free to voice our opposition against one another.  Why is it so important for us to advertise and preach and fight against one another over the simple issue of God?  Does it really matter to the Gods what we do for them?

In order to relate to the Divine, we put a human face on it.  Do you think this is praising the Gods or insulting them?  We are, after all, much smaller than they are.  Would we revere a bug if it idolized a mask of Us? Thing is, we can never really know the Gods, we can only experience them.  We're talking about entities that are far older than us, beings that lead an existence so different than ours, that we can barely percieve them as real.  It doesn't matter if you think God itself exists or not, all you have to do is take a look at the forces of nature and realize just how small you are in the grand scheme of things.  We, as human beings, create this illusion that we are in control of our destinies, that we decide what is going to happen to us, but all we really have is freedom of choice and can't always predict what consequences are to come from our choices.  It also doesn't matter if you think one religion is right or not.  If you outlaw one religion, you might as well be outlawing all beliefs in the Divine.

Because each of us is different and can never really walk a day in another's soul, each spiritual path cannot be wrong.  The key to love is not to come out on top with one's own unique perception of God, but to understand and respect what is sacred and profane to others.

Also, not all of us can be part of one family.  Americans especially are independent and freedom sometimes means "nothing left to lose" because you are a separate individual from others.  As for me, I am a solitary Witch and it's not from choices I've made, it's because my personality is that of a loner.  I function best on my own or on top as a leader.  I don't sit here thinking that my way is the best because there are those out there who function much better in a crowd and I can't deny them their pursuit of happiness or the right to see God as they see fit. 

I get concerned when, after a disaster like Katrina, people go off saying that this is a sign of The End Times.  The Apocolyptic vision of the Christian can be the same as that of the Pagan preaching that we have to Save the Earth.  For all we know we could only just be flies on the sacred cow about to be smacked just because we exist.  Death and life go hand-in-hand and perhaps disasters just happen because it's the way of nature, the way of Gods to rage once and awhile, not over us but because that's the nature of the storm.

So, why are there so many religions?  Maybe it's just our nature to see God in so many different ways because it has so many different faces, how can we decide which one is right and which one is left?  And why should we condemn and judge others for seeing things one way when we do not?

I used to get in all sorts of discussions addressing issues like these with my former best friend.  One thing we always recognized is that, in our Pagan religious customs, learning and wisdom seem to be something highly esteemed.  He went on to start a temple where he is a teacher with students.  Then there are other Pagans who value the art of Witchcraft (it is, after all, a craft not just a religion) over the science of it and then there are those like me who, instead of spending the next full moon working magick or praying for things I need, I just simply want to worship because, isn't that what religion really is about?  Throw away the customs, the traditions, the works, and all you have is your love for the Gods.

And why should any of you deny me the right to love my God/dess?

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/some_thoughts_about_gods_and_religious_world_views.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/reflecting_on_reading_the_tarot_cards_for_myself_and_others.mws valentinaxxx 2005-09-22T02:09:15-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/reflecting_on_reading_the_tarot_cards_for_myself_and_others.mws As some of you may not know, I work as a professional Tarot reader.  For some reason this means that some people think that my being "psychic" somehow should clue me in on the hidden aspects of life that mystify us all.  In other words, that somehow I should know it all and therefore be without problems myself.  I wish being psychic meant being perfect.  It only means that sometimes I have insight into other people's problems and situations and, with some practice, have learned how to advise others based on what I sense from them.  As with most things, free will and a willingness to open themselves up to me plays a vital role in "reading" someone.  When I "read" someone I'm not bound to pick up on when they will die and who they will marry.  A psychic is simply a folk therapist, not a doctor or a saint.  We can expect a doctor to diagnose a disease and give us a prescription for medicine to combat that disease.  We can expect miracles from a saint.  A psychic is just an insightful person who can help you find answers for yourself determined by what they believe are essential parts of your personal truth.  It's rare a psychic can really see into the future and predict events in your life's course.

One of the most enjoyable things about being a Tarot reader is meeting and talking with so many interesting and entertaining people.  Some of these people are amazed at what I pick up from them.  Besides reading cards to form a story about them inside my head, reading also has a lot to do with reading body language and verbal cues.  Some clients are so anxious to talk to somebody else about themselves that they will tell me all about what they are asking for before I can even lay down a card.  Then there are those who are very skeptical, who block me off by folding up their arms and scoffing at everything I say.  Those people want to be amazed and won't be impressed with anything I have to say unless I give them some kind of proof that I have supernatural power.  It's very difficult to read someone like that.  Even if they weren't coming to me for a Tarot reading, they are so unfriendly and closed off from me I wonder why they're even wasting the time to see me.  However, the most difficult people to read for are those who are truly seeking truth and want me to spell out the universe for them.  They are open but their heads are so in the clouds, you have to talk them into coming down to Earth and be in this moment for awhile.  Others just want the entertainment.  They want the drama.  To see you dressed up like a gypsy and get metaphysical on their ass.  Those are the ones that make me laugh and they usually stop me when things get "too real."

So how did I become a reader?  And why don't I do readings as often as I used to?  I became a reader because it was something I'm good at, something a lot of other women in my family have done, too.  I started doing Tarot readings as young as age 13 when it was a rebellous thing to do to piss off my mother.  My mother did her own readings, without cards, she just used passages from the Bible.  She would visit someone who needed help and just flip open the Bible to whatever passage her thumb would fall on and would read the passage as a sign of what the client should do.  This is a form of divination known as Bibiliomancy; using the Bible as a means of seeking spiritual insight.  You don't have to be trained as a psychic to do that, you just do it!  And that's how I came to use Tarot, shuffling cards and selecting some as a tool to connect to my spiritual insight.  I don't do readings as often because after awhile you do get tired of people using you to do what they should on their own, however I do miss that interaction and need to start putting my spiritualism to good use again.

I've been told my some other readers that you can't give a reading to yourself, yet I do time and time again as a means of meditation.  I "talk" to myself with my cards and concentrate on the images to see possiblities for myself.  Like, lately, I've been down on my luck and I'm not sure what sort of job I'll have in the future or where I will live.  All I know right now is that I'm low on money so I can't get my phone back on, my job is ending because the store is closing, and I'm being served papers because my landlady wants me forcibly removed from the premises because I can't afford the rent anymore.  The list of problems goes on, but I'll stop right there.  I'll just shuffle and draw cards to get my mind off the problems and start working on thinking up solutions.  There's nothing evil or mentally wrong with me to do just that and that, my friends, is why people go to a psychic... for real. 

Here's what I came up with for myself recently:

My questions:  What am I supposed to do to get myself out of trouble?  And where am I supposed to live?

Answering card:  The High Priestess

This is a card of female leadership, of intuition, wisdom, hidden information, and untapped talent.  The Priestess holds and nurtures spiritual and creative ideas.  She says I stand to inherit much wisdom and am called to share it with others, however I must proceed with caution and don't rush the answers.  She tells me that I know already what I must do and I will experience more difficulty in my life until I do it.  What am I supposed to do?  I need to go back to college, to take a stand, to open closed doors, and get moving.  She also indicates that whatever I will be doing, it won't be something normal or ordinary, and that I won't be someone underneath someone else's authority.

Immediate Circumstances:  3 of Swords, 7 of Swords, 6 of Cups, The Hermit

These cards cover separations, deciet, sorrow over the past, and feeling alone.  You can see it in the images above.  It's all what I'm going through now.  There's also shown a bit of my avoidance of dealing with my problems and just settling at home concentrating on movies and fantasies.

Immediate Future: 2 of Cups

However, I'm not meant to be alone for long.  New partnerships and friendships will be formed.  Work done will be finished as a team.  I feel lifted up.  Love will save the day.  And, hey, you never know, romantic love may be just around the corner, too.  There's also a sense that a boyfriend-figure might show up to give unexpected support...  I'd like that to happen, you betcha!

Outcome:  Ace of Swords, Ace of Pentacles, 10 of Pentacles

I will pick myself up by taking initiative and owning a sense that I can triumph over my obstacles.  The Ace of Swords always indicates a new idea, the Pentacles Ace a new career and financial outlook, and the 10 is all about inheriting monetary support.  New ideas will lead me into a new direction, but I have to put action behind my thoughts.  Each Ace indicates a new beginning and you can't have a beginning without first experiencing the end of certain things.  In any case, I see these cards as a good omen; a signal that I am on my way to bigger and better things and that help will be there when I need it.

Notice that the cards themselves haven't told me where I'm going to live or exactly what kind of job I will get.  These are just mental hints of what I will possibly be doing and where I'll be going based on what I've done before.  In any case, I leave the coffee table and put away my cards feeling much better about my situation than before.  That's the nature of reading Tarot.

Note: The cards above are images from my own deck that I designed last winter; "The Valentina Tarot" (still in the process of getting those babies published!)

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/reflecting_on_reading_the_tarot_cards_for_myself_and_others.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/prayers_for_hurricane_rita_evacuatees.mws valentinaxxx 2005-09-22T02:09:01-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/prayers_for_hurricane_rita_evacuatees.mws

My prayers right now are with all my friends in Texas, notably: callmeroger & myclette.  May you and everyone else on Mindsay and all those who evacuated from New Orleans to Houston be safe.  By the Sun and Moon, Earth, Air, and Sea; all I love protected be!!!

Later on today I will post an entry on working protective magick for people facing the storm...

Click here for the latest Hurricane Rita footage I found. You can clearly see it heading for Texas.  Right now, as of 1:49am, it's still over the ocean.  We'll soon see how far it goes inland in a few hours.  Visit the neworleans  blog for even more Rita footage.  For now, I am going home to do some work! 

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/prayers_for_hurricane_rita_evacuatees.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/my_autumnal_equinox_special_protective_spells_for_surviving_a_storm.mws valentinaxxx 2005-09-23T09:09:38-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/my_autumnal_equinox_special_protective_spells_for_surviving_a_storm.mws

First off, happy Autumn to all of you out there.  Here's hoping that this next season will find us all happy and sharing our wealth with loved ones.  Secondly, for all of you riding out hurricane Rita, I pray that you all will stay safe and well. 

In all my years (not that I'm all that old) that I've studied magick, I've been taught that it is useless to try to stop a storm; you can only delay it or convince it to change direction.  Trying to stop the storm would be great, but it is widely believed that Nature needs to rage and arguing with Her will only make her hit harder.  The best thing to do is run for shelter, of course.  The next best thing is, while boarding up your home and safe guarding your prized possessions by ordinary means, you can cast spells for protection.  The following are a few spells I've dug up out of various books with a few variations and spells I've created based on much older ones that have helped people (that I know of).  Again, I should say that magick isn't the only means of protection you should make in preparation for surviving a storm.  Do all the normal things you're supposed to and back it up with magick for the best possible results!  Or do your magick first and back it up with the usual precautions you take before a storm.  Whatever works best. ;)

Protective Symbols to Place Over Windows & Doors

Use black marker or paint on the wood shuttering your windows and draw the following signs:

In fact, any symbol that's inclosed by a circle, a cross, or star have long been associated with protection.  For added emphasis on the interior of your home, take some olive oil, say a prayer over it to charge it with power, and draw the symbols above in the oil over each door and window.

The Magnolia Leaf Prayer

This one was handed down to me when I lived in Tornado alley.  During a storm that threatens to be severe, hold a magnolia leaf in your right hand, make the sign of the Cross (if you're Christian or Catholic) or a pentagram (if you're Pagan) over yourself while holding the magnolia leaf, and repeat the Lord's Prayer or Witch's Rune*. While praying, imagine the winds of the storm bending around your house, leaving you spared from destruction.  If you can't get a hold of a magnolia leaf, Bay, Mistletoe, or Cedar leaf are just as good a subsititute.  These plants have long been used as protection and seem to help calm the senses as well.

*Don't know the Witch's Rune?  Here's how it goes:

Darksome night and shining moon
East and south and west and north
To each we sing the witch's rune
To call the ancient power's horn

Cup of water, airy sword
A pentacle to touch the earth
Firey wand all in accord
Lady guide us to rebirth

Cord and cencer, scourge and knife
Aparapa witch's creed
Wakened by ye into life
Come ye as the charm is made

Queen of heaven, queen of hell
Ancient huntress of the night
Join us as we sing the spell
Our love and pleasure are your rite.

By all the powers of land and sea
By the might of moon and sun
As i will, so mote it be
Chant the spell and be it done.

When chanting the Witch's Rune, you can vary it with your request for help!

Wiccan House Protection Sachet (by Scott Cunningham)

In a white cloth place Cedar, Mistletoe, and Bay Leaf together and tie them up with white yarn.  While tying up these items, say a prayer.  Next hang this up in the highest place in your house. 

The Old Shoe Method (another one by Scott Cunningham)

Find an old leather shoe and stuff it with these protective objects: needles, pins, nails, broken glass, tacks, and scissors.  Add to the shoe Rosemary, Basil, Fern, Bay, Mistletoe, and Cedar.  While filling the shoe, envision white protective light encircling your house.  Next hang the shoe in the attic or basement and say these words:

I place this charm of power
To guard by home from this hour!

The Witch's Bottle

This protective charm has so many variations by so many different cultures, that I'll just give you the simplest version here.  The key ingredient is an old empty glass bottle or jar with a lid or cork.  Fill the bottle with Rosemary needles, Pine needles, safety pins, tacks, coffin nails (if you can't find any, just use regular nails), broken glass, and porcupine needles; basically anything sharp you can get your hands on.  Next (and this is going to sound weird, but you'll see why it's called for later) get your husband or other man of the house to piss into the bottle but don't fill it up, just a little bit will do.  After the urine, fill the rest of the bottle with dark wine and say something like the following:

Pins, needles, rosemary, piss, and wine;
As long as there are Gods above,
No harm shall come to me and mine!
Against all danger and enmity;
With me stand all Lords of Love
And by Our Will, it shall be done!

Visualize all the things you put into the bottle doing just that; protecting you, your family, friends, pets, house, etc.  Then place a cork or lid on the bottle and drip wax from a black candle around the seal.  Bury the bottle at the farthest southern corner of your property or land.  The Witch's Bottle is used to dispell all evil influences, not just protect you from a bad storm.  The sharp objects impale evil, the piss repells it (just think of a wolf or dog marking its terrority), the wine drowns it, and the rosemary sends it faraway.

Shelter from the Storm Lavender Charm

One thing to think of is keeping your nerves calm while riding out a storm.  During a tornado or hurricane, while you're shuttered up in the basement with only the light of candles or a flashlight huddled up with your family can be the perfect time to pray and work magick together.  I've always thought that the muffled sounds of the storm outside while you are inside are most likely the scariest sounds you'll hear because you can't see what's going on and have no idea if the next bang or thud is part of your house falling apart.  To keep calm and keep your spirits up while the storm is raging outside, set up an oil burner and warm some Lavender oil (lavender is known the world over for its calming properties) or burn some lavender and sandlewood incense.  Next take some lavender oil and rub some of it in your hands (if you don't have oil, dried lavender flowers are just as good) and inhale the vapors of the plant.  As you exhale, repeat the following chant three times three:

Goddess gracious day and night

I am protected with all your might

Another tip is to wear a little sachet of lavender flowers over your chest so the scent of the plant can help you keep your nerves level.  The lavender also helps in aiding sleep and keeps stale, musty smells at bay while you're stuck in cramped quarters with other nervous people!

 

A Protection Gris-Gris Bag

A Gris-Gris (pronounced "GREE-GREE") or "medicine" bag (also known as a lucky Mojo or Wanga bags) are important in all of Voodoo, Witchcraft, and other magical practices.  The bag itself should be a little leather one that you can hang from a cord around your neck or (and I've seen some Texans do this) can be hung from your belt on your wallet chain.  The charms placed in the bag can number from one to thirteen, but never should there be an even number of them.  One, three, five, seven, nine, or thirteen are generally believed to be most lucky.  Gris-Gris bags are used to attract money, love, or to provide protection.  The kind I'll be talking about tonight is the kind you wear for protection and therefore the charms placed in the bag are the very ones that are associated with doing just that.  First the bag should be anonited with Ju Ju oil or High John the Conquerer Root oil by a Witch or Priest.  Next the bag should be filled with an odd number of the following herbs, gems, and other items for added protection...

Herbs: Basil, Mistletoe, Mustard Seeds, Patchouly, Poke root, Rue, Rowan, Marjoram, Mint, Lemon Verbena, Dill, Balm Gilead Buds, Five Finger Grass, Frankincense, Agrimony, Myrh, Wood Betony, Angelica Root, Anise Seed, Ash tree leaves, Cedar leaves (to name a few)

Gemstones: Tiger's Eye, Onyx, Bloodstone, Jasper

Medallions of Saints: St. Anthony (saint of miracles), St. Jude (patron of difficult cases), St. Christopher (protector of travelers), St. Martin (defender of the poor), or St. Francis (helps the sick and poor).  Another medallion to use (especially if you're Catholic) is the Sacred Heart of Jesus and/or St. Michael who carries the sword of compelling force.

Other Items: Rabbit's feet, Scarabs, a small pewter cross or crucifix, salt, photographs of your children, a lock of your lover's hair, nail clippings, tiny pentagram, Seal of Soloman, feathers; or whatever symbol(s) that connect you to things that have brought you love and luck.

You should wear the little Gris-Gris bag at all times and let it be your personal charm to help you overcome obstacles.  Think of it as a prayer that you wear!

 

That's all for now.  Hope you all enjoyed what I had to share with you tonight!   

 

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/my_autumnal_equinox_special_protective_spells_for_surviving_a_storm.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/looking_for_someone_to_dream_about.mws valentinaxxx 2005-09-26T04:09:38-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/looking_for_someone_to_dream_about.mws

I'm not sure what is worse; no longer having something to long for or having something to long for that will never be? 

I think that's what I miss about being in love.  That desparate, poetic longing that would keep my dreams alive at night.  I could curl up in my blankets and hug a pillow while imagining someone is there.  Maybe I'm just lonely.  All I know is the other night I realized I couldn't sleep because I needed something to dream about.  I'm even avoiding going home now because there is an empty bed to face.  Not a bed empty because no one is in it, but empty because I no longer hug the pillow that I used to keep Andrew's picture on.  Maybe it's good to give up such a pathetic habit.  Maybe I should adopt some actor's picture.  I like Josh Holloway.  He plays Sawyer on "Lost."  He's pretty but I don't know that guy.  Yet I don't think I really knew Andrew, either.  So, do I miss the fantasy of my best friend or do I really miss this guy I swore was my best friend?  Ah, now that I think of it, he's someone else's best friend now.  Soon to be someone else's husband.

It's times like these that I have to fight off the urge to hate all the happy married people around me.  How dare they be happy when I'm miserable and out of love?  I saw a couple kissing each other good-bye tonight and I felt like I could die!  Show-offs. 

All I know is it's hard to dream without someone to hold on to, even if that someone is out of reach.  It's been so long since I last had sex.  One year to be precise.  Yet I'm not really horny.  Not in that way.  More in an emotional way.  And I wonder if I'll ever be whole enough again to have sex again.  That's why I cried the last time I was with Andrew.  I had that sinking feeling that it would be a very, very long time before I'd have sex again.  Not because I'm ugly, but because I can't open up sexually to a stranger.  And yet I did, didn't I?

Tomorrow night I'll have something else to moan about, but for now it's a lonely, chilly night.  The kind I would've liked to spend wrapped up in a blanket with the man I love.  The man who isn't here.  Whoever.  Wherever.  He is.

Bastard.  Where the hell are you?!

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/looking_for_someone_to_dream_about.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/more_themes_to_capture_your_fancy.mws valentinaxxx 2005-09-26T04:09:15-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/more_themes_to_capture_your_fancy.mws UPDATED (check out below!)  Out of boredom the energy to create compells me to stay for hours on end in the computer lab.  I tried to pick some fall and halloween themes that weren't too goofy but not too sophisicated either.  I hope you like them! 

The Spider's Parlor
Haunted Home  Yeah, that's my house.  The place I live in.  Scary, eh?
John Everett Millias's "Hearts are Trumps"  and here's the original painting. The women look as if you've just walked in on them while they're playing cards.
Tissot's "Un Dejeuner" Darling, did you really think I came here only for lunch?  I love this painting.  There is so much going on.  I could write pages of dialogue for what is going on between these two.  Are they lovers or relatives?  Is the man just returning home or about to leave?  You be the judge.
Mondrian
Midnight Moon Rise
"Don't make me waste all my lipstick on you!" This is actually inspired by a line in Showgirls. This blog template is also inspired by coedkaren's and pussypatter's sexy blogs -- heck, it for all you sexy bloggers out there!  Here's hoping the Mindsay staffers don't think it's too sexy...

I will add to the list when I next feel the need to do something to occupy my mind.  For now, I really, really should go home to bed and fade away before the sunrise.
Nearly 24 hours later, I have a few more for ya:
Rossetti's "Sybilla Palmifera"
Goya's "Parasol" inspired by the song "Parasol" by Tori Amos
Blue Green
Tamara de Lempicka is the most ass kickingest artist from the Art Deco period and her work was an inspiration for Madonna's look in the video "Express Yourself"
Indian Corn 'cos it's the season for it!
Native Beads
After dark all Cats are Leopards is perhaps my fourth cat themed template
Botticelli's "Primavera"
Lost: "Each of us was brought here for a reason..." yep, you guessed it, it's a Lost theme!
John Mayer in all his glory for all of his fans on Mindsay!
Turkey Day a Thanksgiving feast for your blog!
And some Hot Cocoa to keep you warm this coming winter...
The Muse by Gilbert Williams -- combining several of his great paintings (couldn't resist): The Muse of Mystery, High Priestess, & Passageway
The Faeries Queen also a painting by Gilbert Williams

And that's it for me this week, folks.  I think I've given you PLENTY of designs and I'm all plum out of energy now.  It's been real fun!!!  Hope most of these get accepted for your use.  Yay!!!

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/more_themes_to_capture_your_fancy.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/wanna_get_lost_sure_as_long_as_you_bring_sawyer_to_me.mws valentinaxxx 2005-09-27T07:09:01-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/wanna_get_lost_sure_as_long_as_you_bring_sawyer_to_me.mws

Sawyer You scored 37% kindness, 60% courage, 76% seedy past, and 56% secretiveness!

"Baby, I am tied to a tree in a jungle of mystery. I've just been tortured by a damned spinal surgeon and a gen-u-ine Iraqi. Of course I'm serious!" You are Sawyer. You aren't really a kind person, but you are fearless and a force to be reckoned with. Your past is full of dark secrets that you can't seem to live with. However, the worst possible thing to do is to keep everything locked up inside! Have a few more slumber parties by the campfire with Kate, and maybe you'll finally be able to get that weight off your chest.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 0% on kindness You scored higher than 93% on courage You scored higher than 93% on seedy past You scored higher than 60% on secretiveness

Link: The Which Lost Character Are You Test written by ack_attack on Ok Cupid

And here's a bunch of fun "Lost" icons I managed to pick up:

And here are a few I created:

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/wanna_get_lost_sure_as_long_as_you_bring_sawyer_to_me.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/damien_rice_sings_how_i_feel_i_love_this_mans_music.mws valentinaxxx 2005-09-29T01:09:59-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/damien_rice_sings_how_i_feel_i_love_this_mans_music.mws

Well, previously I highlighted a video for "The Blower's Daughter" by Damien Rice, but the damn thing made it difficult for some of my friends to view, so I'm just repasting it in as a link.

Thank you, mamachameleon for introducing me to this music.

Damien Rice sings like heaven.  Such passion.  Makes me cry and the tears are a nice release.  Listen and watch with me.  I'm interested in what you all have to say about this wonderful musician.

Here's the url for the Damien Rice video

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/damien_rice_sings_how_i_feel_i_love_this_mans_music.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/for_those_of_you_who_asked_for_it_i_made_it.mws valentinaxxx 2005-09-29T03:09:13-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/for_those_of_you_who_asked_for_it_i_made_it.mws

Okay, there are those of you out there who would like me to do a blog theme for every guy or gal you're a fan of, but, unfortunately, not all of those copyrighted photos can be used for a Mindsay default template.  Still, you ask, and I wanna give.  So I came up with a solution.  I'll just do a few headers here and there and let you stick them up on your blog as a custom header.  This way you don't have to wait for Mindsay to approve of one of my themes.  Yeah, msdania you're gonna be happy...

John Mayer header based on the Guitar header colors callmeroger is using for the Room for Squares blog
Another John Mayer header because some of you can't get enough of 'em!
Sawyer is mighty fine to get Lost with. Put him on your blog today!

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/for_those_of_you_who_asked_for_it_i_made_it.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/changing_my_skin_or_is_that_shedding.mws valentinaxxx 2005-09-29T07:09:34-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/changing_my_skin_or_is_that_shedding.mws

To cheer myself up, I put Sawyer in my header.  You likey?  I plan on doing more themes later, so check my previous blog entry on themes to catch up with any I've newly designed.

I really must say, after that, that it's great that Mindsay and all of you out there really dig what I do.  Without you I wouldn't have this outlet.  Feel free to suggest any more ideas...!

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/changing_my_skin_or_is_that_shedding.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/finding_purpose.mws valentinaxxx 2005-09-30T12:09:32-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/finding_purpose.mws

A few thoughts to write tonight before I take off into the dark.  First off, I'm listening to a free Italian Body Music download CD and the music is penetrating my skull into numbness -- the kind of numb that generates action.  So my thoughts turn to seeking my purpose in life.

There are four questions to answer:

What are you waiting to do?

I'm waiting for my luck to change.  Waiting for my time in the spotlight.  Waiting for the "green light" kind of omen that will tell me that "I've made it" and now I can do whatever I want, whenever I want.  I think of all those successful people out there who struggled to get on top of the world and now they have a villa in Italy like George Clooney does and get to have breakfast with Diane Sawyer on Good Morning America.  But is that the kind of success I want?  Not really.  My success could come at the expense of other people.  There are too many people in the world who don't have their equal share of fulfilling a life long dream.

I suppose I should reask this question and say, "What is it that I keep postponing?"  I postpone things because I'm not sure if my ideas are worth a damn to the public at large.  Furthermore, I don't know how to market myself.  It's hard enough to figure out how to draw something well or paste photos together or design a blog template and now I've got to go out there and sell myself.  For all the work I do, I still give myself for free.  I guess I believe in sharing visions.  Maybe that's why I draw.

But seriously, what am I waiting for?  Maybe I want to be rescued, carried, sponsored, cradled out of poverty into that promise of  the rent will all be paid and I'll have money left over to take that trip to Ireland I've long dreamed of.  Yes, I want to go to Ireland and that takes money and some more studying.

When I go to Ireland, I want to stay for a year, be an artist in residence in Limerick or Dublin.  Get to know the people and places and explore my own way.  Yet can I do it?  I'm prone to anxiety in unfamiliar places around unfamiliar people.  My doctor says I need to take yet another year easy.  But I am tired of the too slow pace of Stevens Point.  It's too comfortable here.

So, what it comes down to is this: I'm waiting for money.

What are you ready to do?

I'm ready to paint again, ready to draw, I have my pen and pencil, my paper, my desk, my portfolio.  I just want to work and not be bothered.  I want to be alone but not lonely.  I need my audience and need to seek more audiences.  I am ready to finish writing my graphic novel but I'm not sure if the world is ready for me.  Or is it the other way around?  Maybe the world is ready for me and I'm not yet ready for the world?  Do I have to sit and stew for a bit, slosh my ladel around, and cook some more to be ready?  See, I put off my purpose because I've been told I have to be practical and not waste so much time creating something maybe no one will buy.  Maybe I should give up and go be a manager at some fast food joint or become a hooker.  Yet I would deny my purpose.  My purpose is making art.  I must produce.  I'm ready to do that but not ready to sell it... yet.  Yet I have this feeling.  This rumbling inside.  The fire in my heart is lit and needs to rage like Katrina but my rage is one of construction not destruction.

I'm always ready to rage.  They'll hear my keening in watercolor... and ink.

What are you doing right now?

I've spent the last three to four days going design crazy.  I'm obsessed with making these blog themes.  I'm excited because the little headers remind me of greeting cards and I'm thrilled when people dig them so much.  Who'd ever know stock photography could uplift me so much?  I'm also writing out what I feel.  Using my angst and grief to fuel my passion to create.  I don't want to stop.  If I stop creating, I'll start thinking of all the things that bother me.  It's just me and my designs and ideas and jokes and drawings against the world.  We're a lonely bunch.  Like a cyber punk DJ sitting in the dark before a computer screen.  We're plugged in.  Wired.  Is that my future, my future right now?

I want my design work to have a soundtrack.  I want to design album covers.  I want what I do to move you.

What do you sense you are "supposed" to do before your life is over?

I want everyone to know my name and my style.  I want those things to live on after I'm dead.  I want something that I created to mean something special and so strong it can't be ignored.  I am an artist.  I'm not just someone behind a desk.  I suffer and starve but I also have such great joy in making something useful.  I was once told that the purpose of an artist is to communicate but I think it goes beyond that.  There's something about soul in art.  Something eternal.  Maybe that's what it is to be an artist; to dream that you are God.

That's what my graphic novel is about -- dreaming yourself into a God and manipulating the world with your illusions of power and desire.  It's about fame and vice, the supernatural all around us, the pitfalls of unrequited romance, and making believe.  I could say more but it's too big yet for me to fit it into anything.  I guess I'm just a girl with big dreams and this is all stream of consciousness.  I don't know if I'm meant to be another Picasso-type honcho girl.  I don't think I'm cut out for that kind of power.  There's a line between being an artist and a con-artist.  I want to turn people on but not sell them some lines and sell it overpriced.  I'm not here to wax poetic; I'm here to be the poem.

I wonder.  How will you answer these same questions?  I can't help but come up with so many answers, hard to decipher what I mean.  Perhaps that's why I write.  I'm recording my thoughts so that I can come back later and discover the meaning of who I am and what I am to be.

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/finding_purpose.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/random_silly_things_today.mws valentinaxxx 2005-09-30T09:09:52-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/random_silly_things_today.mws

A quote I found from my Irish pen pal's blog:

Pauly says....

"Why do American TV shows always have really annoying "Balls in a vice Mullet rawk by the numbers" guitar solos screaming out of the speakers no matter what is on screen!

Mad

Why can't they just use Motorhead all the time like they do here?"

 

    

Have a giggle on me, guys!!!

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/random_silly_things_today.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/taking_portraits.mws valentinaxxx 2005-10-01T08:10:56-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/taking_portraits.mws

It's a new month and I'm gaining a new outlook to go with it, and a second wind, and dreaming new dreams.  Yep.  Feeling very positive and calm for a nice change!  I think with that came the discovery of a new apartment to move into next week and I'm planning to get together with my guy pal, Greg Merkovich.  Greg is another artist like me, a songwriter, actor, singer, and filmmaker.  No offense guys, but one of the nice things I love about getting together with another artist is talking shop and coming up with some wild creative projects to spend hours on.  About a year and a half ago we did a photo session for the website I built for him.  I just got done talking with him about doing another photo shoot this fall.  He's real hip on the idea and I'm excited because Greg is kind of like my "doll" -- I get to dress him up, get him to pose, and make him look pretty.  It's rare that a straight man will let me direct him around like that!  Here's four of my favorite portraits I took of him in March 2004:

 

I used to work as a photographer for Sears Portrait Studio and I really hate taking portraits of people that make them look "stiff."  So when I convince one of my friends to pose for me, I really give them a work out and try to capture bits of their personality that wouldn't normally show up on some cheap polaroid, if you know what I mean.  When I took photography classes at the University of Wisconsin, I was also fortunate to have a really great professor who taught me to look beyond a person's face and into their body; what does their language say to you?

That's what I think of even when taking photographs of myself.

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/taking_portraits.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/my_subconscious_made_me_have_sex_with_dominic_monaghan.mws valentinaxxx 2005-10-03T01:10:24-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/my_subconscious_made_me_have_sex_with_dominic_monaghan.mws

 I just have to link to this from deletedscenes (just to give you all a little refresher): Dom's Better Than Beer

Every once and awhile my mind does something weird to me while I'm asleep; I end up dreaming something so sexy and so ridiculous that I have to wonder what is really going on inside my head!  First off, I am a fan of Dominic Monaghan because I think he is a good actor and I like seeing him transform into one character after another.  I just saw him in the movie "The Purifiers" where he plays a street fighter. I only watched the movie because Dom was in it but I didn't think it was a good movie, however it was nice to see Dom kick some ass... Again, I like Dominic and only know him through his performances and I much prefer having sexual fantasies about people I actually know! Anyway, last night I had this really weird dream about Dominic and now giggle like an excited little school girl every time I see a picture of him. After this dream, I'll never see him the same again. In fact, I can hardly look at him and not recall what I dreamt about him last night...

It started innocently enough.  Sort of.  I was in one of those cheap train station type of bars having a little drinky-poo.  I remember being worried about how I looked because I wasn't wearing pants!  I had underwear on at least but with even that thin layer of satin, I knew my panties weren't enough protection from any germs I might pick up from whoever sat at the bar before me.  I really wish I knew how I got that way.  In any case, I took my shot of whiskey and headed for the Ladies Room!  But I was not safe from Dominic Monaghan.  He was waiting for me in the doorway to the restroom.  He had this very goofy, yet sexy look on his face that alarmed me.  "Is there anything I can help you with?" He asked, embarassing the fuck out of me.

That's when I noticed that somehow the rest of my clothes were disappearing.  "Just let me into the toilet," I told him.  "Ah, but you forgot to say the magic words!" He smirked while reaching into his pocket for a cigarette.  "Please?" I asked.  He handed me a cigarette and, as I took it, the whole scene changed.  My clothes came back on and we were now in a very orange place with one of those big ramps that skateboarders skate on.  "We are going to play," Dom informed me.  I thought he was crazy and silly.  He was in a tuxedo and I was in a formal evening gown now.  Play what exactly?  Before I could ask him that question, he lifted me up and tossed me down the ramp.  Somehow I managed to swoop down and glide over everything.  As if I had just done a magic trick, Dom applauded me.  "Come back and get your reward!" He cried and so, magically, I flew back over to him. 

Now here's the NC-17 part which I must apologize for ahead of time.  Dominic (in the dream, not in real life of course) led me into a dark room.  I knew that there were photographs drying in there and begged him not to turn on the light because it would ruin the film process.  He didn't listen.  He turned on the light.  For some reason at that moment, I became fixated with my image in a mirror on the ceiling above.  My hair was all messed up, so I took out a brush and began fixing it.  Dominic gently took the brush out of my hand and said, "Don't be worrying about your hair, doll, 'cos I'll be messing it back up in a few minutes."  He kisses me very romantically and it's such a realistic part of the dream that I can vividly imagine his tongue over mine and taste the faint hint of cigarettes and coffee.  His kiss wins me over.  Before long I step outside of myself and I am watching Dom making love to my body.  It's like a sex scene in a movie but it's not glamourous or even pornographic, it's actually sweet.  I see Dom treat me very well, so I guess that's nice, but it's hysterical as well.

Dominic makes some weird noises and is more of a great kisser than anything else.  I try to get him to be more interesting, but it doesn't work.  He likes to be in control and I'm afraid of him leaving, so I play along.  Next thing I know, I get slammed back into my body.  Dom is about to cum and so he makes this quasi-religious face and he's glowing white gold.  As he cums, he sighs really, really loudly and it's this weird old man loud kind of sigh.  I climax when he does and, as I do so, I suddenly realize we're not alone.  Me and my Dominic-cum-filled-face is lying down in my mother's nursing home room!  Not a sexy place to be at all!  Dominic is gone and I'm exposed in front of my mother who, for some reason, ignores completely that I have semen on my face!

My mother is begging me to tell her when I'm going to get married and what do I want for Christmas?  I'm stunned.  How can she not notice I have semen on my face?  I tell her I have to go to the toilet and she gets very upset at me.  "Don't you want me in your life?" My mother pitifully asks, in tears.  I get annoyed with her and tell her that I don't care.  That all I care about is getting clean so I have to go to the toilet RIGHT NOW.  I escape down the hallway and every nurse and patient is staring at me like I'm some cheap hooker with hygiene problems.  I start thanking my Gods when I pass through the door to the Ladies -- only to find Dominic once again, except this time he's inside one of the toilet stalls standing on a toilet smoking a cigarette.  "If you wash that off, you'll miss me," he smiles and I melt.

We spend the rest of the dream fucking like wild pigs and at one point I cum so hard that my teeth come loose.  Just before I wake up, Dom is helping me take out one of my loose teeth.  I see him smile inanely at the tooth we pull out.  It's one of my front teeth!  ACK!  I'm scarred for life!  Before I can scream, I wake up wondering what the hell I drank last night...

And I know I'm never going to live this one down!

  Got any Dominic fantasties of your own?

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/my_subconscious_made_me_have_sex_with_dominic_monaghan.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/tearing_apart_my_previous_dream.mws valentinaxxx 2005-10-04T10:10:28-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/tearing_apart_my_previous_dream.mws

After posting my dream about having sex with Dominic Monaghan, I've had some time to think over the imagery and what it means to me.  First, let's go over the most important images and ask each image (as if it were a person) "Who are you and what are you in my dream to tell me?"

Not wearing underwear in a public place

I'm your fear of exposure, your uncomfortableness in public places.  You are afraid to be naked in front of strangers.  You fear catching a sexually transmitted disease after all the sex you've had in your life.  You get tested annually because of this fear.  But what this really means is you're afraid of your past catching up with you when you least expect it.  This is also why you drank that whiskey.  You take a shot to medicate your fears.

Dominic Monaghan blocking my way to a restroom

You can't hide from me.  I'm Dom here to remind you that you are still wanted and desired.  I'm here to tell you that no matter how badly you want to forget some of the mistakes you've made with men in the past, I'll be there right beside you to tease you.  I can see through your clothes.  You're always naked in front of me, so why bother ducking into the ladies room?  You're not safe there or anywhere...  I'm coming to get you and you know you want me, too.  Besides, I can't resist someone who isn't wearing any underwear.  And why do you find me so attractive?  Who does Dominic mean to you?

Clothes disappearing

I tell you that you're at the mercy of your desires.  Your clothes will automatically drop whenever you let go of your fears and give in to pleasure. 

Clothes come back on in an orange place where I'm tossed down a ramp and glide out of harm's way

Your "armor" comes back on whenever you're distracted by something other than sex.  Yet you'll be dropped as soon as you turn off the charm.  You safely glide back to the one you desire once you realize that no harm will come to you, that it's only a little harmless sex afterall.

Dom turning on the light in a dark room

The object of your desires illuminates everything.  Who cares if your illusions are ruined?  There's a better reality right in front of you.  All you have to do is let him in.

Having sex with Dom in a dark room

What you desire, desires you and it feels good to give in to him.  You step outside of yourself to watch the sex go on unencumbered by your body.  You watch it like you would a porn.  The fact that the sex happens in a place where film is developed is no surprise.  Dominic represents the kind of man you'd love to be with; someone who is a star yet down-to-earth.  If you slept with him, he'd help you get a job or give you prestige, maybe he'd even end up being your buddy.  You're not to be ashamed of wanting that.  What woman like you wouldn't want to sleep with someone like that?  The sex is a symbol in the essence that it physically binds you to the kind of man you want and the kind of star you wish to be.  Yet even Dominic is an illusion you have to accept as an illusion, not a real person.  Perhaps this is why you left your body and watched the sex go on without you.  You know you're dreaming.

Exposed with semen on my face in my mother's hospital room

Your mother has no idea who you really are or what you've been up to and you feel guilty about this.  Yet to begin to share with her who you are now would only hurt her more.  She clings to who you were when you were a little girl and has forgotten who you grew to be.  That's why she ignores the semen on your face.  Even after attempting to share with her, she still can't see who you are, even if the reality of you is written clearly on your face... or in this case, spewed on your face!

Needing to go to the Ladie's room to hide and get clean

I'm here to tell you that being in the company of other women makes you feel safe and helps you to cleanse yourself of guilt.

Dominic blocking my way again, preventing me from cleaning

Here I am again, standing in your way.  If you wipe off my stain, you'll no longer be reminded I was there.  In order to get clean again, you have to confront me and let go of your fears and desires.  Just let me take care of things.  I'll make you feel better again.

My teeth falling out after hard core sex with Dom

Well, you've been having problems with some of your teeth because you haven't been taking care of them as well as you should be.  I'm here to remind you that things will start falling out if you don't watch it.  You also worry that somehow you have some physical defects that may make it impossible for you to enjoy a sexual relationship again.  Dom helps you extract a broken tooth, so at least he was being somewhat helpful, yet it's up to you to heal on your own and that's the hard part.

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/tearing_apart_my_previous_dream.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/i_am_so_many_things_according_to_google.mws valentinaxxx 2005-10-06T12:10:42-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/i_am_so_many_things_according_to_google.mws

An experiment blognapped frommiyamom:

Directions: type "[your name] is", including the quotes, into a google search. cut-and-paste the first ten responses that work (I just plugged in all of them because they're all so funny!). Just pull the answers right out of the excerpt google shows you, don't click the link and search around. The only rule is that each one has to start with "[your name] is..."

valentina

valentina is very young then this an extremely promising product
valentina is not very sensitive to it
valentina is quite simply one of the sexiest females on the indy scene today (Who-hoo, baby!)
valentina is updated
valentina is a database engine that supports applescript
valentina is here
valentina is for me some kind of "rough" database app for which you have to create your "own apps"
valentina is in constant beta
valentina is available to help anyone with their diet
valentina is a california based model with an impressive list of modeling credits
valentina is a calico queen
valentina is a beautiful woman herself
valentina is an old fashion type woman
valentina is all that and more
valentina is shown here
valentina is the scriptable database solution for macintosh os
valentina is a california girl
valentina is a beautiful little girl and she was fight for her life since she was born
valentina is 51 years old pretty woman from moscow
valentina is the more famous
valentina is intellectually excellent
valentina is completely generous with her information and her inspirations
valentina is a featured designer in knitting in america by melanie falick
valentina is an avid reader
valentina is that sort of vampire (hmmm... I wonder what "that sort" means?)
valentina is a part of glory wrestling
valentina is interviewed by a beautiful ukrainian speaking blonde
valentina is the dean of the department of professional development
valentina is one of the youngest rising stars in the wrestling business
valentina is well past the national average life
valentina is a very hard working model
valentina is made from french velvet with rich purple silk satin (my favorite)
valentina is a cross
valentina is joining the women's league
valentina is the recipient of the gold key award for outstanding client service
valentina is concentrating
valentina is in the heart of the entertainment hub
valentina is the first woman in the world to fly in space (how I got my namesake)
valentina is in our database
valentina is paradigma software's wickedly
valentina is the worst name
valentina is extremely versatile and has the unique ability to portray different styles
valentina is a pleasure to be around
valentina is currently a professor of ecology at the inter
valentina is an elegant little pocket of sumptuous dining
valentina is better off in the hands of someone else than she is is in the hands of ronda perkins
valentina is part of a building that comprises four little villas
valentina is in the kitchen boiling red berries into a thick
valentina is the author of several scientific publications in the field of dental traumatology and conducts seminars and workshops
valentina is a portrait of warmth and creativity
valentina is still praying
valentina is bright
valentina is a discreet escort (whoo-hoo!)
valentina is infatuated with you
valentina is so impressed with "exotic" arizona that she doesn't want her daughter to play anywhere else
valentina is not allowed to stay out a night (hhahahahaha!)

valentina is the noted authority on italian food and food culture and a respected member of the international association of culinary professionals
valentina is situated in the resident area of vicchio
valentina is a 2 year old female akita who was left at our doorstep
valentina is the receptionist in the division of physical therapy
valentina is a lady with a parrot on her head who is trying to take over nimbus land
valentina is then contacted by gloow and she then explains her story
valentina is eager to talk to any raff enthusiasts at any of these concerts
valentina is shareware
valentina is surrounded by huge chestnut and oak forests and meadows with a wide variety of fruit trees (nice one!)
valentina is now living comfortably in america
valentina is from south italy
valentina is married with three teens
valentina is a cute paint with beautiful face and ear wool
valentina is divorced with a 19 year old
valentina is one of the hardest working song writers and businesswomen in southern california
valentina is a saucy young italian girl who met her jordanian husband in a turkish bath in istanbul
valentina is a mediterranean shrub
valentina is designing programs for business schools for women entrepreneurs that she would like to launch in donetsk and the surrounding region
valentina is one of the first vessels to install the fleet 77 satellite system
valentina is from the middle of russia
valentina is a technician in our lab responsible for drosophila care
valentina is a beautiful model who agrees to undergo experiments for a new mind bending drug called hds supervised by a professor and reporter giovanni baldi
valentina is a tranquil and quiet retreat with no one else near by
valentina is one of the hardest working models

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/i_am_so_many_things_according_to_google.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/mindsay_themes.mws valentinaxxx 2005-10-07T10:10:31-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/mindsay_themes.mws

Just wanted to invite you all to the blogthemes blog.  If you have an idea for a theme but don't have the css know how to create one, post it at blogthemes and I, otacon120 or parity will take a stab at it.  Or if you just simply want to comment on what you think of the themes we've created thus far, send us a reply!

I just did a tally of the themes I've made.  I've done 178! 

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/mindsay_themes.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/issues_i_have_with_guy_friends_and_casual_sex_relationships.mws valentinaxxx 2005-10-07T11:10:56-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/issues_i_have_with_guy_friends_and_casual_sex_relationships.mws

Guy friends ask me "why is it that nice guys finish last?" and why is it they get turned down by women who say that they're "too nice?"  I tell them that it's not because they're being "nice" -- it's because they are putting on a "nice act" that suggests to the woman that the guy only wants to get into their pants!  When a woman says, "you're being too nice" it's her way of saying you're coming on too strong and she thinks she knows what you're all about.  So I tell my guy friends to take it easy, be yourself, and if she still thinks you're not that hot, move on and go for the chic who wants you as much as you want her.

I think sometimes I should apply that same advice to myself.  Too often I've gotten amoured with men who aren't into me as much as I'm into them and the more they're not into me, the more I hope they will be.  I've been just as guilty of the "nice girl" syndrome as some of my guy friends are.   I'll be some guy's friend and pretend I don't want to get into their pants, all the while hoping that my behavior will lead to more than a platonic relationship. 

There's one thing that my guy friends tend to ignore and it's something I really hate; I'm a woman, too.  Too often I'm treated like one of the guys because, I've been told, I don't act like a chic.  I think the guys around me forget that I'm not one of them, that I'm female complete with boobs, a vagina, and at times I'm sensitive to what they say to me and what they say about women.  I've noticed that some men tend to choose only certain kinds of women as "girlfriend material" and some only as "chic friend" material.  The more of a human being I am, the less of a sexual object to them I become.  I can be a guy's best friend as well as his lover, but for some reason being the girl a guy just likes to hang out with can promote issues.

One of them being confused for some guy's girlfriend when I'm not.  This is especially embarassing for a gay guy friend!  Let's say we decide to go hang out at a gay bar and my gay boy friend is accused of being straight because I'm too good looking to be a fag hag...  So I have to pretend to be a lesbian for a night so he can get hit on!  But then again, I'm also a fatty and this can be embarassing when I go out with one of my straight guy friends who will get accused of being with me.  I used to love the expression one of my guy friends made whenever we'd go out to a fancy restuarant and the waiter will assume we're there for a romantic evening on the town.  He had red hair and would turn all these different shades of pink!

So I guess there are some down sides to having platonic relationships with the opposite sex.

Case in point, my last best friendship with Andrew.  It started out innocently enough, but there does come a point where sexual tension between a man and a woman can lead to one of two things: the transformation of a platonic relationship to a romantic one or the desolution of the relationship due to engaging in sexual activity.  The later happened in this case.  I no longer have my best friend because I had a steady casual sex relationship with him right up until he announced he was going to marry someone else.  I'm still sore over that!

I even once slept with one of my gay boyfriends and it's put me on one of those "high risk" lists whenever I get tested for AIDs.  I get asked by doctors, "have you ever had sex with a gay man?" and their eyebrows arch everytime I answer, "Yes." 

Sexual issues come up whenever someone is interested in me and they ask questions about my sexual history.  First off, sexual and romantic relationships can get blurred, but in my history everyone I slept with was with someone I loved in one way or another.  Unfortunately I can't claim that everyone I slept with was in love with me.  I joke about having a slutty past but it's only to hide a long history of having a broken heart.

It's bound to happen at some point.  You're on your merry way, a guy and a girl acting like any pair of best friends do when that moment comes where lips meet flesh and pants go flying out the window!  It's always emotional.  It usually happens right after one of you is about to break up or has broken up with someone and you turn to the other for a release.  This has happened more times with straight guy friends more than the best friendships I have with other women.  I guess I'm too straight to be so inclined to reach out sexually to women than men are to me when they're emotional.

And I am emotional sexually.  I have nothing against people sleeping with each other, I just know my own limits.  I'm a 34 year old single woman who has a bit more experience in the bedroom than perhaps the average woman does because I was a very curious and horny girl while growing up.  I've been in threesomes and foursomes and I've never seen those kind of relationships ever work out for long.  For me, being with just one man is enough for me.  Any more than that is stretching my heart too thin. 

Sexually, I'm emotional and require a committment.  I've tried to behave otherwise and fit in with what someone else wants, but it doesn't work.  I have to be up front with men now and give them this vital information: if you just want to mess with me, walk away now, otherwise you're playing with fire.

I think also that, as an adult, relationships get more confusing.  We no longer live in that perfect high school world where all you had to do was walk around campus hand-in-hand with your lover to clarify that you are, indeed, a couple.  Now adays I see all kinds of different relationships that defy description and it's hard to determine who-is-really-with-who-for-real.  Maybe we have the sexual revolution to blame for that one.  Yet I wonder if my parents really had to deal with that issue.  I'm what you'd consider a "love child" -- a person born out of wed lock and therefore also considered "illegitimate" yet don't you dare call me that in front of my Dad because born out of wed lock or not, no one is really illegitimate!  My parents were drinking buddies and had a platonic relationship for five years before they fell into each other's arms and had a torrid affair.  Yet their relationship was kept under wraps for many years because my father was married to someone else.  Back then such a relationship was not talked about, now it's very common, maybe too common.

I know, I know, no one should have to walk around with a label posted on their chest saying who they are really with, but, come on, people.  Where is the line between hearts drawn?

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/issues_i_have_with_guy_friends_and_casual_sex_relationships.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/what_im_planning_and_what_i_want_to_do.mws valentinaxxx 2005-10-08T12:10:51-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/what_im_planning_and_what_i_want_to_do.mws

I'm planning to update and revamp up my portfolio website .  I need to switch to a host site without so many damn pop-ups and banners.

I'm also planning to post two new bigmamagoth comic strips this weekend, given I don't fall asleep under the influence of cold weather tonight when I get home. 

I need to get crackin' on getting my stuff together in order to move to a new apartment.  There's one available for me offered by a friend who owns a house with space and she's willing to let me move in for a little money down while I get settled into a new job.  Meanwhile I avoid current landlady who threatens to have me forcibly evicted!  Ouch.

I want to also update my resume.  Will post a few versions of it because I'm not sure which one will work best.

I need to find more things to do to get my mind off of stupid ex best friend who is getting married at the end of the month.  The best thing has been a photo shoot that my friend Greg and I are planning to do in the first weekend of November. 

I don't want to go home to a cold apartment.  I want to stay in the computer lab and do all of the above tonight but can't.  Oh, well...

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/what_im_planning_and_what_i_want_to_do.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/whats_up_with_me_anyway.mws valentinaxxx 2005-10-10T03:10:37-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/whats_up_with_me_anyway.mws

I've had a busy weekend and have been sleeping like a bear in hibernation.  My apartment is like a cave to me right now.  My little sanctuary where I hide from the world.  Yet everytime I attempt to get some artwork done at home, I end up asleep.  I think there's such a thing as a place being too comfy.  So tonight I'm going to play catch up on all my pet projects and utilize those ideas I placed on the back burner.  However, I do feel like I'm forgetting to do something.  And I just remembered.  Shit!  I hate that.  I got a Tarot reading booking for November 10th that I forgot to confirm this weekend.  So I'm writing this down right now here on my blog so I remember to call that lady tomorrow.  Ack!  And I have to catch up on my mail and send Emily the postcards that I've collected over the last several months.  There's quite a stack, Emily!  I think I best just wait a little longer until I get moved...

Well, what else to say?  I got a new job selling imported mittens and other winter gear at a kiosk in the local mall.  Yep, it's another retail job but this one's full time, seasonal, but more hours than I have now.  With a new job I'm eligible for a loan to pay off my past due rent or save it for a security deposit for a new place.  My current landlady will be pleased if I pay up, but do I really want to stay for another year in a stinky old home where I have to share a bathroom with stinky old men?  Yet do I really want to stress myself out further by moving during Samhain weekend?

All I want to do is be lazy for just a week longer... Grrrrr!

But, hey, at least I have a few things to show off at my bigmamagoth blog:

Big Mama Goth: Beholdin' me!

Big Mama Goth's boyfiend (that's right boy- FIEND not friend): EMPTY BOY

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/whats_up_with_me_anyway.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/national_porn_sunday.mws valentinaxxx 2005-10-10T04:10:01-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/national_porn_sunday.mws

What do you feel about pornography?  I don't know about you, but I love it.  Now, I don't mean love it in the sense that I love it to the extreme of filling my every waking hour with explicit images to keep me happy, I mean I love that there is an outlet out there for adults to express themselves sexually in public if they choose to.  If I had a porn star body I'd love to flaunt it, too.  I've had dreams of having my exposed naked body admired by strangers, yet that's just a fantasy and belongs only in the privacy of my own head.  Pornography doesn't tell me that I need to look like a porn star to enjoy delights of the flesh.  Pornography exists simply because it harkens us to our animal nature (humans are animals, after all) and reminds us that none of us would be in this world without sex.  Human beings also have sexual needs; both physical and emotional sexual needs that can safely be fulfilled by turning to a magazine featuring beautiful, healthy men and women (straight or gay) engaging in sexual activity.  There's nothing wrong with looking at people having sex!  So why turn it into something to be ashamed of?  Once someone cocerces you into thinking that looking at people having sex is immoral, you know what you're going to end up doing?  You're going to think unhealthy, unnatural thoughts about looking at people having sex and give yourself a neurosis over having a sexual imagination. 

That's what some people who are against pornography do.  They give themselves and other people a neurosis over their sexuality.  People, there is no harm in looking at pornography; the only harm is immoral sexual action that may or may not be inspired by pornography. And yeah, I'm aware that there are unhealthy sexual practices that sometimes go on in the making of pornography, but there are just as many unhealthy practices you're unaware of that other public institutions set in motion that maybe you'll approve of all because it has nothing to do with sex.  There's no way anyone can prove that prolonged pornographic viewing can convince someone to committ rape or incest or beastiality.  In general, most people give porn a look and a giggle.  And, yes, someone out there right now is masterbating to porn.  There's nothing wrong with masterbation.  Masterbation prevents abortions, you know.  So masterbate away, guys!  But there's always someone out there who's gonna try to make you feel sick or embarassed when they catch you with a porn habit.  And what constitutes a porn habit anyway?  Oooh, I can't get through the day without my porn fix...!  I know, I know I should poke too much fun at addictions because they do exist, but, seriously, I do have a hard time convincing myself that a porn addiction is as bad as heroin addiction.

Even women have porn habits.  I like porn.  I don't watch it everyday and I don't have a huge collection taking up all the space in my basement.  I take it in moderation.  I like to look at beautiful bodies.  The human form in all its complexities and variations is fabulous.  I'm forever fascinated how our sexual organs work and am curious about what gets people off.  Collecting information and exchanging techniques with other interested friends is a hobby.  I once did a paper on the evolution of the porn industry and took classes on human sexuality.  At one time I was squeemish over porn, but then I learned that there's this feminist revolution going on in the industry which counterpoints the other feminist camp out there that's against pornography.  It's interesting to see how each group will say the same things in different ways. 

The only porn I find offensive is Clown Sex.  There's just something wrong with people dressed up like party clowns getting it on.  Not my cup of tea.  And I don't like violent porn, yet I do like to see the roleplaying that goes on in BDSM fantasies.  What I like is vintage porn, actually.  There was a sense of innocent fun in porn from the '60s and '70s and porn from the '50s is nothing but a delicate tease.  One thing I've noticed is that porn has lost some of its artistic side and lately what's most readily available on the shelves are these extreme close ups of vaginas and penises that make things seem like you're watching a weird medical movie, if you know what I mean.  I'd like to see more photographers get creative and tease me more while still appealing to my intellect.

In any case, what prompted me to write a little rant about porn is I caught a news clip on ABC about National Porn Sunday.  That was yesterday -- a day set aside for Evangelical pastors to talk about the dangers of pornography.  I thought it was a joke at first, but it was real.  However, I couldn't stop laughing during the program so I turned off the news and watched a porn tonight.  That's how I spent National Porn Sunday.

See, I didn't do it to be sarcastic, I watch porn because, like I said above, it reminds me of where I came from and I do get as big a thrill watching beautiful people have sex as much as when I watch a nature program on TLC.  At one time my parents got down and nasty with each other and the seed of me was planted.  Pornography will never cease to exist as long as people are still having sex and enjoying watching it as much as having it!  Amen. 

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/national_porn_sunday.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/discovering_things_i_forgot_i_had_written_sort_of.mws valentinaxxx 2005-10-11T11:10:33-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/discovering_things_i_forgot_i_had_written_sort_of.mws

I spent all of yesterday recovering from another migraine and really felt dead to the world.  When I was finally well enough to be awake again, it was 2am this morning, took a shower, began to no longer feel pain, and yet I found myself in an apathetic kind of mood.  Instead of continuing to just sit there like a lump on the couch and obsessively watch past episodes of LOST, I read through a journal I kept in 2000.  I discovered that I'm a lot more jaded now than I was five years ago.  My writing has changed only in that I'm a lot less redundant and I don't write as much poetry as I used to and I all but abandoned my graphic novel, GOSSAMER.  I think maybe that was an influence my former best friend had on me; he was very critical of my poetry (which was written mainly in free form verse) and my graphic novel featured stories about Pagan gods that he thought were blasphemy.  Of course he wasn't the only person who criticized me a lot.  I hung out with a group of gamers who worked for WhiteWolf and Wizards of the Coast.  Many nights they agrued with me that I shouldn't mix genres, that no one will go for any of my images because they're too complicated, and that my art belongs in a museum and not in some roleplaying game book.

After reading my entries on the disrespect and discouragement I recieved from people I thought were my friends, I did a search online on all these people who convinced me I wasn't good enough.  I can say, without much bias, that none of them are doing anything of lasting substance or publishing original work.  Sure they're still creating and writing, but most are just copy editing and helping to publish other people's work.  I wondered why they were so harsh on me.  Maybe they were discouraged, too.  And this led me to decide to no longer let them get to me anymore.  I still treasure what I've created over the years and, even though I don't really understand or know how to get what I do published or establish the following I'd need to continue to tell my stories the way I want to tell them, I think eventually my time will come. 

============================

A series of sentences I wrote that I picked out of my old journal which, when placed together, forms something like a poem...

I can see you without looking.

I am the bird's song of death.

I know a place where we can never escape.

My wishes keep you bound to my heart.  Bleeding means letting go.  If I lose this time you will win.

Children in the bodies of men dance before my door -- dare each other to come closer.  yes, I dare you to come in...

And this is how we dance, one small gentle step after step in time.

Like my tongue and kiss a lie.

I don't remember who I am, only who I was...

At each breath of sky, the shape of my flesh -- a cloud out of a sigh

My ghosts are family.  Even in memory they smile without me.

Within his feathers, a nest of treasures...

And sometimes...  these ears flood with tears and I listen badly and I can't come up with a period.  And sometimes I move in inches.  With each day in seconds.  And words are visible in wrinkles scribbling up my face.  And sometimes I can hear myself falling into a whisper of a name I call myself and I can be found in blankets, walled against pillows, caught up in the comfort of fiction.

================================

Here's another poem I wrote that I never did anything with, but now that I've read it for the first time in five years, I really like it.

pleasure dream thing
if we could buy it
if it were easy
hate would be more inticing
when we say we love
we're really saying
we only love what love gives us
we hurt ourselves with the
pleasure dream thing
the warm cloud world
rose petals like razor blades
the thing within us that speaks with our mouths and says to another mouth (a kiss):

"I don't want you but I have you and you can't have anyone else because only I can give you all that you refuse to give yourself and when you find that I am not love the dream will scream, the dream will break, and yet you will find you will force yourself to chase me down again..."

pleasure dream thing
is the lie we give ourselves
the excuse with no reason
justification for self crucifixtion
we need an interpreter to speak love
we need a guide to lead us to love
we need the knife to kill and cut off the
pleasure dream thing
take it away cuz it's not what I think it is

==================================

And last, another gem I uncovered from my old journal.  See if you can guess what I'm really talking about here.

it's all in this little yellow box
a box shaped like the sun
a glitterbug circle
big enough to hold a gun
what secrets do I hide
within my little yellow box
what things lie waiting
to get out
and if I open it
such dread creatures within
will get lost

my heart keeps breaking

I've got it all in this
little yellow box

Now I just need to get into a goth metal band with my friend Damien and set these lyrics to music!  

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/discovering_things_i_forgot_i_had_written_sort_of.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/the_real_reason_why_they_cant_get_off_on_the_island.mws valentinaxxx 2005-10-12T01:10:07-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/the_real_reason_why_they_cant_get_off_on_the_island.mws

Being lost on a mysterious island has been hard on these guys...

They all have needs, after all... and those "special" needs have more to do with "getting off" and not just getting off of the island!!!
Now, there are a few beautiful women on the island...

However, one is a murderer.

The other hot one, Shannon, is completely into herself.

The cute Aussie, Claire, has her hands full with a baby.

The French chic is freaked out.

The Asian chic is married to this guy:

And he guards her like some sort of... um... guard dog.

So what are the guys to do?

John Locke decides to go hunting...

And next thing you know, Boone is tagging along with him. *hint! hint!*

Meanwhile, Jack and Sayid take turns with Sawyer...

Sayid: "Jack, this one wants to be screwed by a genuine Iraqi."



Sawyer: "Is that all you got? No wonder we're at war!"

Jack: "That's enough, Sayid."

Even with Sawyer tied up, Jack still plays hard to get.

Meanwhile... A freed Sawyer sweeps Michael off his feet!


And Charlie tries once again to make it with the pregnant lady...

Apparently he's addicted to sex as much as he's addicted to Heroin!
Charlie is still... 

Unbeknowst to his peers on the island, before becoming a rock star, Charlie was a rent boy:

He always had the best of luck with father figures...

But Locke bores him to death.
Besides, with Boone gone and Jin separated from his wife, Locke finds another special friend...

There's only one man left to do:

But even a big guy like Hurley is not enough for our insatible Charlie!
He convinces Shannon to try his special "soup du jour..."

She really did think it was going to be real Soup du jour, not, well.. you know...

At some point a new piece of (ass) drama will pull these "Lost" men out of their relationship troubles.
Hurley comes up with a plan:

And the first order, as Mayor of Hurleyville, Hurley declares it to be Pirate Day on the island!

But for some reason, Charlie got confused and tried to get all Ren faire-y:

In any case, Pirate Day inspires Michael, Sawyer, and Jin to build a Pirate ship, ur, raft...

Yet their plan works! They're the first ones to actually get off the island!

While the guys, still in Pirate gear, make their getaway, Locke and Jack head back to the jungle for some cuddle time...

 
But this was not what they were expecting when they opened up that hatch!!!

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/the_real_reason_why_they_cant_get_off_on_the_island.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/thank_you_fans_of_lost.mws valentinaxxx 2005-10-13T02:10:56-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/thank_you_fans_of_lost.mws

Tonight, it feels good to be such a geek for my favorite TV show... Thank you, everyone, for nominating my Lost spoof for top blog #2! But I can't take all of the credit for the icons and pix I found at various Lost fan sites and forums! My favorite is The Fuselodge where you can make and post Lost avatars and icons you've created and leave a few comments for the creative team behind the hit TV show. After taking a look at all the pix, I pieced them together and gave them a story. It's a great little experiment that you can do with any show, band, or celebrity! Try it out for yourself! For now I want to take a moment to comment on the latest Lost episode: "Everybody Hates Hugo".  I have a new favorite character; Hurley!  I absolutely love that guy.  Hurley tells us that even a fat guy with bad luck can be a hero! 

With each episode I begin to really like each character more and more.  Such an interesting mix of people and stories; like a supernatural cliff-hangers-galore soap opera mystery it plays out and the writers aren't disappointing me one bit.  Just when things seem to be getting predictable, BLAM! something weird and new pops up almost to the point that it's laughable.  If you haven't checked out Lost, it's about time you do.  This show has kept me from concentrating on my troubles.  Yeah, it's good to be a geek.

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/thank_you_fans_of_lost.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/repost_of_preview_themes.mws valentinaxxx 2005-10-14T02:10:40-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/repost_of_preview_themes.mws

Okay, so a few of you don't know to go to blogthemes to check out the latest previews of stuff I've created.  Check out some of the following for a peek at what I've been up to.

Leyster based on the artwork of Judith Leyster (a Rembrandt contemporary who's work is often ignored which is a shame because she's such a brillant artist worthy of your attention)
Maxfield Parrish should be a familiar artist to many of you out there
Captain Kidd is a Pirate theme that's a little watered down, not a kind of cartoony pirate theme

After nomad  requested some blank themes, I took a stab at creating a few themes that are sort of blank but mostly conservative for those who just don't want a lot of fancy pix:

Faded is just a simple gradient grey, black, & white theme
Basic is probably the most basic theme I've created
Slate uses conservative slate grey and blue colors
Delicate: it's a table cloth for your blog!
Mauve Tiles with a tile border like one you'd find in a bathroom or kitchen
Elaborate is a simple bracketed corporate-like design

Warm Blanket 
Retro Jazz
Black Lace an update of an old theme I did that I think is far more interesting than the last

And that will be it for blank and color themes from me for awhile!

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/repost_of_preview_themes.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/thoughts_after_work.mws valentinaxxx 2005-10-17T12:10:07-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/thoughts_after_work.mws

I know I had something interesting to write about tonight, but the subject escapes me now that it's close to midnight and my eyes are sore from staring at a computer screen for far too long.  It's like those times when you walk into the kitchen or bathroom knowing you were going there for a reason, but by the time you step into the room, you forget what you were going there for.  That's how I feel right now.  That's how I think anyone would feel after the last couple days I've had at the hippy store. 

I'm brain fried after dealing with mobs of customers landing on me like a flock of vultures picking at things and trying to talk me into selling them crap cheaper than the listed 40% off everything price.  I mean, honestly, we're closing the business and they're already getting a far better deal than I think they deserve.  People who would've never come into the store while we weren't closing have come in telling us how bummed they are that our store is closing.  It's one thing to hear this from our regulars, but who are these people and where were they when we needed their money? 

The downtown area in Stevens Point is becoming a ghost town while they're building new megaplexes out by the highway and in Plover.  It doesn't just suck for people like me who live and work downtown, but for students, most of whom don't have cars.  It's like you can no longer make the choice to shop where you please; it's like I'm being forced to do my shopping in places like Wal-Mart because there's no where else open or close by.  Whatever happened to the days when speciality stores and small businesses were the way to go?  Again, we're closing not because we don't make money, it's because we got people from out of state buying up cheap property and then over charging leases to small business owners who can't afford to pay the higher rent.  The owner who upped our lease is buying out most of downtown and plans to erect a condo overlooking the river.  The same thing was happening in downtown Milwaukee; rich companies buying up old buildings to turn them into luxury apartments for rich people who will move here not for the downtown shopping but for the quiet scenic location.  It just makes me sick to my stomach.  That's all I have to say tonight.  I've already griped enough about this today.

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/thoughts_after_work.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/my_boss_is_a_dick.mws valentinaxxx 2005-10-17T09:10:56-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/my_boss_is_a_dick.mws

Weird thing happened to me at work today, my boss grabbed me really hard on my left shoulder after I did one little thing wrong.  He was angry that I charged someone a price he forgot he wanted me to change.  He's such a penny pinching bastard that he had me make a discounted price higher all because more than one person wanted one particular item.  He originally wanted me to sell it for $35 but then wanted me to sell it for $50.  He made me do this right in the middle of finalising the transaction.  Before I could sell the item to the customer at the $35 price, he grabbed me, forced me to turn around to face him, right in front of customers, and said, "No, Val!  It's $50.  If they won't put down $50, then they can't buy it for $35."  I was like, "Okay..."  And the customers left.  He blames me for them not willing to buy what they wanted at a higher price.  Idiot.  He's been in business for over 20 years, he should know better than to try to charge someone a price higher than what was originally marked. 

A couple minutes later, as I'm doing my best to keep my composure by going through a transfer of clothes, he comes back out of the back room to accuse me of being $10 short on yesterday's deposit.  I told him that we weren't short $10, we were short exactly $9.23 and that we've been short this amount of money consistantly for the last three days.  As he accuses me of stealing the money, I say to him: "Look.  It's an odd amount of money.  Do you seriously think I'd take you for only nine dollars and twenty-three cents?  If I wanted to rob you, I would've taken the entire deposit of $2700 from Saturday!"  I then remind him that three days ago he was taking money in and out of the drawer like crazy because he was selling items not listed in our inventory.  He stands there for a minute and then apologizes to me.  "Thanks for straightening me out on that," he tells me.  I did a double take.  Excuse me, dude, can you say that in my good ear?

The sooner I'm done with this job the better.

I'm even beginning to believe the same thing about the end of my relationship with my former best friend.  Andrew was also abusive to me.  Maybe all this crap is happening for the best... in the long run.  The less assholes in my life, the better!

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/my_boss_is_a_dick.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/valentina_a_retrospective.mws valentinaxxx 2005-10-17T11:10:39-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/valentina_a_retrospective.mws

I've recently went through my photo albums.  It's something I like to do to remind myself how far I've come in this life.  So here's my little photographic biography... 

Here I am at age 3 (1972):

I was one of those little girls who did silly things like putting on her sunglasses backwards.
I also loved to be in the sun and was very active as a child. Here I am asleep at age 6:

Look how dark I was! When I grew up my skin lightened because I wasn't in the sun as much. Yet, as you can see in the photo below (from 1981) I was still just as adventurous:

That inflatable raft was called "The African Queen" because my brother and I used it to float down the creek near home in Springfield, Missouri to a little manmade lake where I was once bitten by a Cottonmouth Water Mocassin and nearly died at age 11!

The 80's version of Valentina was a rebellious one. I hated the pink dress my mother made me wear in the above photo. I am 14 in this picture, my make-up is dark, and I much preferred wearing black. This was the age when I discovered Gothic music and the Occult. I grew up in a very strictly religious household and my mother was studying to be a preacher. It was hell. I would never want to live through that age again.

We moved around the country a lot when my mother worked as a Christain preacher but it was my Aunt Sandy's death in 1986 that sent my family north to Wisconsin. I changed schools so often, my high school memories are this weird blur. 'Course I was drinking at lot then, too, and skipping class to meet boys so no wonder! In the above photo I am 17, the age I lost my virginity and took up photography and comic art. I had decided to go to college for fine arts.
I was supposed to get married at age 21 in 1991 but my betrothed turned out to be a tyrant I no longer had the heart to be with. Yet we lived together for another two years because we had a very special cat named Nightshade who was, quite literally, "our baby" and we treated him as such...

My favorite times with Nightshade were ones when we'd cuddle early in the morning or late at night. His favorite place was my lap and he made me very happy.  He lived to a ripe kitty age of 11.  He died in 2001 after I moved to Milwaukee.  I look forward to one day being reunited with his reincarnated soul.  I love you wherever you are, Nightshade!!!

The early '90s were a major learning spurt period for me. I travelled and partied a lot in the Madison, Wisconsin area where I learned Dianic Witchcraft and Celtic Wicca with Selena Fox of Mt. Horeb, WI. In the above photo I am in front of a cave at Circle Sanctuary. Selena has a background similiar to my own and she taught me a lot about herbs. I later ended up going through my first initiation into the Strega (Italian) Witchcraft tradition with another teacher.
However, the late '90s proved to be a lonely period for me. My ex changed traditions; he went from Wicca to Asatru (a Nordic version of Wicca that is heavily steeped with Nazi skinhead philosophies and is, in my opinion, the most bigoted form of Paganism today) and he married a Nazi bitch who hated my guts because, not only was I his ex, I was Native American! In 1998 I became homeless after the joint bank account I shared with my ex ran dry. Here I am when I first started working at Vagabond Imports (the store I am now forced to close):

In 1996-99 I was training for my third initiation as a witch and was the head of a rather large coven at the University. Here's my formal picture (a publicity head shot -- oooh, don't I look like the professional shaman?):

Of course, within three years the coven disbanded after everyone graduated or got married and moved away leaving me alone...
So I concentrated on an acting and filmmaking career, but it wasn't me. So I just settled with a fine arts career but ended up getting suspended from the University even though I won several awards for my comic strip and other works...

Here I am in actress mode above. Ain't I a ham?  Hey, I'm trying to be a vampire here...  And I love black lace, as can be seen below:

Someday someone will take me seriously. Even at 34 I'm still figuring out who I want to be! Here's a photo that pretty much sums myself up now:

The woman who is a blur of laughing eyes...

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/valentina_a_retrospective.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/?entry=278 valentinaxxx 2005-10-18T05:10:41-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/?entry=278

UPDATED: Here's the look I settled on... http://www.nrg.to/valentina/index.html  Let me know what you think!  Right now it's just a test site.  I have a lot more work to do before I can fill it with all my images and stuff.

It's not easy sometimes to narrow down several ideas into one.  Here's what I have in mind so far for a new design for my portfolio website. First off, here's the website as it is now it hasn't been updated in over a year and I really hate the pop-ups and banner ads, it's time for a change!

My new design is to incorporate a full moon with several graphics taken from my GOSSAMER graphic novel page. I'm going to keep the classic black and white comic art look because I believe that's my best work. So, the next stage is...
A full moon design with links going around the moon like numbers on a clock -- the idea is that when you move your mouse over the text images, you'll see little images like this with a few little color ones to make things interesting.  However, the design requires I make a table and use javascript for the roll overs.  I'm not entirely certain the idea is a good one because I want to avoid using javascript.  So, the next idea I have for the design is to come up with something that doesn't use roll overs.
So here's the next design I've come up with: something that showcases a "Moonserpent" coiled within a pentagram with no roll overs and a lot less images but still looks professional. I think I like this idea better. In any case, the Moonserpent looks great and I need to use it for something.

Next I have to come up with a new look for the interior pages.  I want a website that can be a preview for a book and it needs to appear ancient, yet timeless.  In the next couple days I'll update this entry as my design work comes along...

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/278 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/sawyer_ruins_it_for_everyone_on_the_island_again.mws valentinaxxx 2005-10-19T02:10:44-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/sawyer_ruins_it_for_everyone_on_the_island_again.mws

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/sawyer_ruins_it_for_everyone_on_the_island_again.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/ever_get_hassled_by_a_heckler.mws valentinaxxx 2005-10-20T12:10:59-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/ever_get_hassled_by_a_heckler.mws

I took a nice long walk today and some idiot in a car pulled up alongside me and yelled, "HOW MUCH DOES IT TAKE TO WIPE YOUR ASS?!!!" and they sped off before I could give them an answer.

I wouldn't have minded had the guy not been twice my size and sucking on a big gulp soda...  Perhaps he was seeking advice on how to wipe his own big ass?

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/ever_get_hassled_by_a_heckler.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/my_day_of_exploration.mws valentinaxxx 2005-10-20T10:10:02-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/my_day_of_exploration.mws

Well, staying at home is getting depressing and going to work is just as depressing considering I'm moving and closing up shop, so I took a lovely rest at Schmeeckle Nature Reserve tonight. Next to this text is a new picture of me. I wanted to show those interested how long my hair is and just how much of a cute fatty I am!  Of course after looking at this picture for awhile, I noticed that the way I'm kneeling, with my black poncho flowing out over my knees makes me look bigger than I am -- but only I would notice that!

Behind me there were some deer running around but it was too dark to incorporate them into the picture (if I had a better resolution camera maybe I would've captured them, that would've been way cool). I hate my digital camera because the resolution of the pictures is very low and images sometimes show up fuzzy, but at least it affords me the chance to take some photos and put them on the computer as soon as I get into the lab.

I haven't walked through Schmeeckle in a long while.  When I lived in the Village Apartments (a complex just a block away from the reserve) it was my favorite haunt and one of the places where I passed my first spirit quest.  In ten years the trees have gotten bigger there and the wetlands have gotten thicker as well.  Despite years of drunk college students and finding the occasional beer can that can spoil your mood as you walk through the wilderness, Schmeekle is still alive and full of spirits.  I used to take students on tours through the woods there during this time of year and tell ghost stories.  As far as I know, only one student died there in the little man made lake near the apartments (a tragic result of skinny dipping while drunk after bartime).

Besides telling ghost stories, I loved to tell Fairy tales and one of the best places to tell a fairy tale is to climb up Fairy Hill. Few people know about this area of Schmeekle but those who do have finally put up some stones so that you climb up easier. It was here that every Midsummer my friends and I would leave offerings and prayer bags. Ribbons from previous offerings can still be seen in some of the branches of the trees nearby but even during a sunlit day, it's very dark on top of the hill (as can be seen by these photos):

I just took these today and it's amazing how dark they turned up compared to this photo, taken at the same time, just next to the hill:

My favorite kind of tree are Willows...

In the last picture above is this big wooden thing (I can't remember what it's called) that you can test your strength by climbing up the flat side. I took these in the part of Schmeeckle Reserve that has lots of places for people to do aggressive workouts. Here's a closer shot of the building and the willow tree next to it.

If I had more time today, I would've taken more photos of the area and I think I'll do that tomorrow earlier in the day when there's more light.  So I'll just leave you with this last little picture of fall leaves at dusk...

And this picture of a ghostly orb taken in the backroom of my emptying store (it's just above the posters on the back wall -- at first I thought it was a reflection but I didn't use a flash when I took this picture!):

Ever experience that creepy feeling whenever you enter a room that you know you shouldn't be creeped out to enter but for some reason you do?  This was what I felt whenever I entered this room.  It's just a floor below the place where a guy hung himself 20 years ago...  Even though my digital camera is cheap, it picks up these little orbs far more easily than a regular camera.

I need to go ghost hunting!

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/my_day_of_exploration.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/break_up_etiquette_and_coping_resources.mws valentinaxxx 2005-10-21T02:10:58-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/break_up_etiquette_and_coping_resources.mws

I'm not the best at relationships but since I've gone through my fair share of break-ups, I might as well have my say about it.  I've also been in enough relationships now to realize that there are wrong ways to end one and even worse ways to try to get over a relationship.  I look back on my relationships and have often wondered what would've made things end smoother.  And what would've made me feel better during the break-up if my exs and friends had reacted or done things differently? 

I've got a history of being passionately vindictive towards those who've ended a relationship with me and have been mercilessly cold and mocking towards those I dump.  However, as I head ever closer to 40, maturity and experience provides me with some reserve.  In my late teens and early twenties I reacted violently, breaking windows and vandalising my ex's property -- especially if they left me for someone else.  I was arrested once for that shit, but charges were dropped after the ex in question took me back.  In my mid-twenties I just did a lot of screaming and making scenes in public whenever I'd confront an ex on a date with his new lover.  In my thirties I tend now to just weep and withdraw.  There's no use breaking things up physically anymore since I'm already broken up inside, plus I'm older now and a bit more responsible so I can't chance getting arrested for that kind of stupidity. 

So, upon reflection, I made a list of things to do that, ideally, would make a break up easier on both parties:

Don't tell your friends you're going to break up with your lover before you leave them.  Tell the person you're involved with the news first.  If you cared enough in the past to talk to them in confidence about intimate things, you should be decent enough to tell them you want to break up directly.  Afterwards you can be free to turn to your friends all you want for support.

Don't break up over the phone, email, text messaging, or via a hand written letter.  People who attempt to break things off with you like this are frightened of confrontation but just end up making things worse off for themselves because eventually the ex in question will confront them about it.  The only way you can make a clean break up via the above methods is when you do not live nearby the soon-to-be-ex.  Very rarely do long distance relationships work, anyway, but you still owe it to your partner to tell them you want to break up in person.  If you want to prevent a messy confrontation, just politely take your partner aside and privately, civilly tell them you've got to end it.  Sure, they'll be upset, but if you  were brave enough to ask them out in the first place, then you should be brave enough to initiate the break up.

Don't use phrases like "let's be friends" or ask "can we just be friends?"  Even if you feel like you can be friends, it's going to take a long while before you really can be.  If you were friends before you started dating, you have to realize that the relationship changed and, whether or not you will be friends again, things are further changed by the level of intimacy you experienced together.  To automatically switch from romantic or sexual love to platonic non-sexual unromantic love is impossible.  You have to expect that, even if you feel more like just a friend than a lover, your soon-to-be-insignificant-other may feel differently.  Give your ex some time and space to get over the loss and disappointment. Don't expect them to be "just friends" with you again.  Sometimes letting someone go is better than trying to force them to be friends, especially if you've left them for someone else. 

Even if you find yourself suddenly in love with someone new, slow down and respect the feelings of the one you were with.  There is no way to gently dump someone you've been seeing, especially if you met the new person while you were attached to them.  Yet you owe it to your old and new lover to inform them about the change in your feelings.  Don't wait for the right place or time because there isn't one.  End things without delay.  Delaying your news will only make your ex resent you even more and may make your new lover uncomfortable when they wonder why you didn't break up with the ex sooner!  And when you do dump the old lover, let them vent and scream.  Part of breaking up is grief because you are taking away something the other person loved -- yourself.

Respect the concerns of your mutual friends.  If you've been a couple for a long while, chances are you have shared friends; people who may have only known you both as a couple, not as single individuals.  Friends may take your break up harder than you will.  It's only natural that they'll ask questions and jump to stupid conclusions based on rumors and gossip.  Answer your friend's questions with discretion and make those answers direct and to-the-point.  No matter what, gossip may haunt you for awhile, especially if your ex is more vocal about their feelings!  Just set the record straight for yourself, you can't speak for your ex.  You're no longer a couple, so it's all you can do.

Take responsibility for ending the relationship.  Whether you're the wounded party or not, it took two to make a couple and it takes two to break a couple.  However, don't beat yourself up over it, just realize that things didn't work out and maybe there were things you could've done better, but now that things are over all you can do is tell yourself that blaming your ex for what went wrong is only going to prolong your hurt. 

For every bad memory, try to remember two good memories about the person you used to love.  This is something I've been working on and it seems to make me feel better.  Concentrating on just the things your ex said or done that was wrong is the best way to keep yourself in misery.  Remembering the good times right after you recall a bad time will seem sad at first, but then a bitter sweet feeling will take over you and help heal your broken heart.  Your ex may have been an asshole for dumping you, but that shouldn't rob you of the good experiences you shared with them when they were cool.

Don't let your friends remind you of your ex.  Sometimes we like nothing better than to talk behind the back of an ex and people love participating in the drama by adding their two cents worth to your problem.  Oftentimes, just as I'm beginning to feel better because I'm no longer thinking as much about my ex, a friend has to share with me some bad news about my ex.  Usually they want to repeat something the ex has said about me that was derogatory.  Usually the friend means well, but it just messes things up all over again.  If something was said about me behind my back, then it should stay behind my back.  The only time I want to be informed about something my ex has done or said is if they are threatening to harm me.  Then my friend and I will report the threat to the proper authorities.  Otherwise, it's just not a cool thing to do and only serves to spread the hate.  When I broke away from my best friend recently, I also had to break away from friends we shared.  One in particuliar wouldn't let up about things and was trying to tell me how she felt it was wrong for me to end the relationship with said friend.  Her words drained my spirit so I told her to get lost.  Some people need to learn to leave you alone; if you don't dump them they'll continue to dump on you. 

Find a way to safely vent your anger and sorrow over the break up.  Instead of destroying your ex's property or physically attacking their new lover to avenge your broken heart, find a different way to express your outrage.  There's a ritual that one of my Shamanic teachers taught me: go somewhere vacant in the country and scream out all of your hurt to the sky.  When you're tired from all that screaming, lie down with your bare back on the earth and fall asleep. The Mother will hear you and can take care of you in your dreams.  However, if you live in the city, it's harder to find a place to scream so you'll have to get more creative.  Some people find release in destroying mementos of their ex, others beat pillows or go out to a gun range, and some distract themselves with hobbies or chores that allow them to vent at something they can physically burn, hit, break, or shatter.  Once you have that outlet, you have less need to want to attack your ex.  I come from a cultural background that believes that your thoughts can speak as loudly as your actions and their power can hurt the one you used to love.  The harm you caused them can and will echo back on you.  To cease the bad karma such negative thoughts can bring, it's best to find a way you can vent without focusing all your grief at the ex.  Violent video games can be yet another way to kill and destroy things that don't exist that have nothing to do with your ex!

If you can't handle the break up alone, turn to a professional.  Too often we will turn solely to our friends or family for counselling after an ugly break up, but the people closest to us are not necessarily the ones best qualified to counsel us.  Your friends can only do so much for you and they have their own problems to solve.  It's good to seek their support but you need to realize that, when your feelings are too much to handle, it's time to seek a professional.  Some people get very depressed, naturally, over the end of a relationship and may require the help of medicine and therapy to get well again.  Unfortunately, we live in a society that isn't all that well educated on the dangers of depression.  People think that at some point you'll just snap out of it, but depression is as serious of an illness as cancer, except this kind of cancer destroys your ability to function normally emotionally.  There's nothing wrong with seeking professional help.  In fact consider it a strength!  Asking for help is the first step to recovery.  A professional, be they a doctor, priest, rabbi, or therapist, can objectively advise you as to the best course of action you can take to make things better for yourself.  It's their job to listen when everyone else can't seem to hear you.

And with that, I end this topic.  It's been part of my therapy to write this.  I hope you found it useful, too.

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/break_up_etiquette_and_coping_resources.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/thoughts_upon_transition_time.mws valentinaxxx 2005-10-23T12:10:19-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/thoughts_upon_transition_time.mws

I finally found a new place to move into and I'm really happy about it and anxious to move in.  My next apartment will be a small, hobbit-like dwelling in a basement that's comfy enough for me and any special guest I decide to take in there with me.  The plus part is my new landladies are friends of mine from waaaaaaaaaay back and it's good to feel wanted in a new place for once.  Normally I avoid landlords like the plague.  The place also comes with two cats and a tarantula.  And, no, the spider doesn't roam the house on its own.  As I prepare to move, I have to hit myself in the head at all the junk I tend to collect and most of it's just stuff I was too lazy to throw out.

My thoughts also turn to how I am going to celebrate Samhain this year.  I won't be worshipping at the same time I usually take (the 31st) this time it will be the three days afterward.  It will be an especially trying holy day because it marks the complete loss of my former best friend to some woman I've never met but probably would've had he been thoughtful enough to tell me about her.  Whatever.  I don't think I'll ever love anyone like I did him in quite the same way ever again.  It was such a stressful affair!  I'm looking forward to just giving myself quality time after the 31st since I'll be working right up through that day.  I know I will be exhausted, that I'll weep, but yet will be surrounded by happy ghosts, embraced by my ancestors, and Tammy (one of the ladies who will be living upstairs from me) is talking about taking a trip up north to participate in a circle in a cave. 

Yes, I'm finally getting involved with other Dianic Wiccans again.  It's good to be back home with the girls!  I will write more about the Samhain plans, for now I just want to go home and hibernate... 

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/thoughts_upon_transition_time.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/my_plug_for_big_mama_goth.mws valentinaxxx 2005-10-24T04:10:16-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/my_plug_for_big_mama_goth.mws I need to generate more traffic to my art & music blog: bigmamagoth.  That's where I'll be displaying more art in the upcoming weeks.  Tonight I posted my latest comic strip featuring Big Mama Goth's friend, Gloomy the Cat.  Hope you guys like it! 

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/my_plug_for_big_mama_goth.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/a_hospital_memory.mws valentinaxxx 2005-10-24T05:10:20-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/a_hospital_memory.mws

A year ago I was in the hospital with an intestinal infection that raged for four days.  I hate hospitals because that's where I get poked by needles and nurses talk down to me like I'm a child.  The infection would have gotten much worse if stress from work hadn't of made me faint.  Besides being treated for the infection, I was also treated for depression and anxiety; the two culprits that induced a breakdown hard enough for my immune system to get a swift kick in the ass.  When I was diagnosed with the infection, I was relieved that I wasn't pregnant but then realized just how close to death I had come in the last few weeks!  I had just survived a traumatic experience seeing my father get held up at gunpoint and moved back to Stevens Point to take a break from urban life.  I shared my space with patients with far worse mental and emotional problems than I had.  It wasn't that bad to be there with them, but a hospital just doesn't seem like the place of healing it should be.  It's such a sterile, white, blank, generic institution. 

I would much rather go to a medicine person from my tribe or had a pagan priest to talk to but most alternative religion clergy donate their services to inmates in prisons than show up at a local hospital, especially a hospital in a small city like Point.  So I ended up talking to a Catholic priest at St. Michael's.  It was nice that he did not pass judgement on me for not being Catholic.  We talked about death mostly.  The infection I had was the worst pain I experienced and I realized that I feared dying.  Death itself seems more of a relief than the actual act of dying.  A year ago, I believed that dying is all about the struggle to live while your life is being taken away.  The infection, though curable, could have been fatal and it forced me to face the fear of dying.  But even beyond the fear of dying was my fear of dying before I could accomplish what I always wanted to do in this life.  More than ever I thought of close friends I had wished would come visit me and wept over never getting to experience Ireland or see the ocean.  Mind you, I've seen the ocean only in films or in photographs, and I still have yet to walk along the shore and really experience how vast it is.  It may not seem much to some people out there who see the ocean everyday, but it's a big deal to me.

I told the priest about my dreams of the ocean.  He asked me why that was so important to me.  I felt a little sheepish about explaining to him that I believed in reincarnation and that some of my dreams about the ocean indicated to me that some hidden clue about myself and my future will present itself when I finally see the ocean again.  I worried more about my beliefs insulting him, but he seemed to pay that no mind.  "Yes," the priest sighed, "but what does it really mean to you?"  I drew a blank for a few moments and fished out an answer, "It means... something I have yet to discover.  I don't want to die without discovering something new.  The ocean is always changing, yet stays the same.  It's so deep and so vast, it can swallow me up or toss me into another country."  Then I paused and this big yawn of a smile came on my face. 

"It's death.  The ocean.  It's like death."

"But you say it's the journey that you fear," the Priest reminded me, "and why is that?"

It was at that moment that a nurse interrupted us to check my temperature and blood pressure.  Annoying.  After she left, however, I remained undistracted.  I remember how emotionally unwell I get when travelling, how I yell and scream and get frustrated whenever I find myself in new places.  I always have a problem adjusting and it takes me a long while to settle down.  Anyone who has ever travelled with me knows how big a pain I can be and few understand just how unnerving journeys are for me.  When I go on a trip, I need to be with friends who understand and who are affectionate with me.  Big scares on the road or in a plane require big hugs!  Yet can't that be applied to anything I go through in life?  This journey I'm on is full of bumps and falls and there's no safety net underneath me and at any moment a car can crash, a plane can fall, hell, even a tree could fall on me and lightning can strike me dead -- there really isn't a moment when I'm not on edge, really...

"I just want things to be in balance," I next answered the priest.  "I don't like it when change comes too quickly.  I like to coast along slowly.  Whenever I'm forced to rush into things, problems happen.  Like what has happened now..."  My held my poor stomach.  I don't remember much else of our conversation, I just remember how relaxed the priest helped me feel, and it made me realize that all he did to make me better was to ask questions I had not yet asked myself.

And that, in my opinion, is the mark of a good clergyman or of any counselor.  They're not there to solve your problems for you, they're just there to listen but it's more than just talking to someone else, it's talking to a spiritual person, someone who knows the soul, who won't scoff at you for talking about things like the spiritworld.  Even though he was Catholic, he didn't try to recruit me into his religion, he just did what any man of the cloth should do.

I'll never forget it.  It taught me that I could be like that for someone else.  I don't want to die before I can be an ordained priestess.  I used to think that it's all about how much you know about the Gods or how many spells you can memorize, now I just think that a good priest is someone who helps you find comfort and gets you to touch the spirit inside a place as spiritually blank as a hospital. 

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/a_hospital_memory.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/my_latest_blog_theme_previews_updated.mws valentinaxxx 2005-10-24T06:10:00-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/my_latest_blog_theme_previews_updated.mws

I created a very gory, bloody blog theme that's sure to be rejected by Mindsay if I submit it!  Let's just say I got into the Halloween mood.  Give this a look and let me know if you think I should submit it or what I should do differently with it.  I was thinking of my favorite slasher horror movies when I did this.

The bloody theme is now called "Deep Red" -- a Dario Argento reference!  (thanks, egseah!)

The other colors are as follows:
Liquid Gold
Mercurial
Nail Polish

And here are the other new themes I've worked on:
Van Gogh 2 "Starry Night"
Fight Club
Glory Daze
Absinthe Robette
Bob Marley
NightHawks

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/my_latest_blog_theme_previews_updated.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/moving_day_blues.mws valentinaxxx 2005-10-27T02:10:37-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/moving_day_blues.mws

I really hate moving.  First off, I like that I'm getting into a new living space, but I really get stressed out whenever I have to relocate.  I don't like my nest getting disorganized and my feathers ruffled, if you know what I mean.  I've spread out my moving chores over the course of this week so that I can slowly make my way out of my current dwelling space and still I'm emotional.  So emotional I get unbalanced and ended up slipping down the stairs after I stepped on a little pebble that got wedged in between my big toe and the index finger equivalent of my other big toe (what is that other toe called, you know, the one right next to the big one?).  As I slipped, I managed to right myself just in time before I could've really hurt myself and landed on my left wrist.  So besides having a twisted left foot, my left wrist is bruised.  It could've been worse, of course, but always seems to be something I injure whenever I'm moving.  My brother's so concerned about me that he's insisting on doing all the heavy work himself because last time I moved I threw my back out and had to get realigned.  Glad I have a brother to help me out!

Besides having to move into a new apartment, I also have to help with the moving chores with the store closing.  The moving sale is now 60% off all merchandise and the store is really emptied now.  Like a ghost store!  As I began to pack up things in the store and in my home, I came across stuff that I thought was lost or just things I had forgotten about that meant a lot to me.  Like old photos and letters, scraps from notebooks, and the odd postcard or two we used to sell in the store.  One of those postcards is of a rooster humping a chicken with the caption "How do you like your eggs?"  I'll have to scan it in and post it later tonight.

After discovering old stuff and throwing out the garbage from packing, I get this homesick feeling in my gut.  It's a little like mourning over the end of a place.  Like when they tear down my favorite old house or close a restaurant I used to hang out at.  Places can die, too, and change isn't always something I cherish.  All I have left now are memories and that old comfy feeling of the familiar washed away with the unknown.

I will someday probably feel the same way about my new place.  But that future can wait, for now!

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/moving_day_blues.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/moving_day_dreams.mws valentinaxxx 2005-10-27T03:10:35-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/moving_day_dreams.mws

Of course moving also disturbs the dust in my head and I end up having a lot of stress dreams, too.  The night before I dreamt I was in 18th century France -- I was both a past life version of myself and the woman I am in this life at the same time.  It was pure dislocation.  I was arguing with a man I had been seeing in the dream.  He was insulted by a man he considered his rival and, after a card game went wrong, he decided to avenge his honor in a sword duel at dawn.  Before dawn I wanted to be with him him once last time only to find him making love to another woman in my own bed.  I was humiliated and angry and he kept making up excuses as to why he was with another woman.  As he dressed and the other woman left, he kissed me one last time and I begged him not to leave.  I knew he was going to die.

Next thing I remember was in a very big kitchen with big copper bottomed pots and pans and other amazing cutlery during a wake.  It was like two different time periods crossed over -- the 18th century and the 21st century with people from both time periods in the same place.  In a room adjoined to the kitchen, the man I loved was laid on a table with his swords at his side.  This was my husband and everyone at the wake talked around me as if I weren't there, like they were avoiding me because at any moment I was about to say something awful.  They also kept offering me food I couldn't eat because I'm allergic to milk and had no Lactaid tablets and I really wanted to eat some of the really nice smelling sweets they offered.  The dream ended with me announcing that this would be the last time I would ever fall in love.  My audience was artifically shocked.

The other dream I had was about two cats I used to live with and I was trying desperately to save them from a mad man intent on killing them.  Somehow I managed to save both cats by snatching them out of the hands of their would be killer and getting on a out-of-service bus in the middle of winter during a snow storm.  As the bus veered out of control on the snow and ice, I was distraught but the kitties were sound asleep in the back seat of the bus.  Somehow this made me feel better, that things were alright, and I woke up happy.

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/moving_day_dreams.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/my_move_has_been_delayed.mws valentinaxxx 2005-10-28T02:10:49-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/my_move_has_been_delayed.mws

After taking a fall yesterday, I zonked out on some tylenol at 2pm nd didn't wake up until 2am!  Seriously.  At least my foot is no longer swollen, I didn't twist or break anything, I'm just bruised and sore but this morning I get a message from the new landlady to tell me that she's going to be gone this weekend.  Weird coincidence: her son is getting MARRIED on Samhain!  What is with these people getting married on Halloween weekend?  It used to be a fantasy of mine to have my own wedding on All Hallows, but, come on!  This time it's costing me big time.  With the landlady gone, and me with no key to the new digs, I'm stuck in the old apartment filled with boxes til Tuesday!  Current landlady is threatening to call the Sheriff to force me from the premises.  Talk about a drag.  New landlady could've told me that her son was getting married this weekend earlier!  But then she tells me that it's an elopement.  Again I say: GRRRRRRR! 

To make matters more annoying, I have to wait a couple more hours for my paycheck.  The dickhead bossman is on his way with my check but he's taking his ol' sweet time getting here from Appleton.  Just makes me wanna spit.

In any case, tonight I'm treating myself out to a movie.  I think I deserve it.  At least I now have plenty of time to clean the old apartment before I move out of it!

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/my_move_has_been_delayed.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/requiem.mws valentinaxxx 2005-10-31T11:10:41-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/requiem.mws

Tonight I remember all the people I used to know or thought I knew. Tonight I spend a little time with those who died and I do more than remember, I celebrate, weep, laugh, drink, dance, and sing for all those who can no longer do such things.

I think of Rosa Parks who stood up by sitting down.  She showed us all that a little thing like not giving up your seat on the bus can lead to big changes for everyone.  Sometimes all it takes is a little rain drop to set off a storm...

I think of all the people whose homes were blown away by bombs, hurricanes, tsunami, earthquakes, and domestic violence.  I recall all the stories of survivors in the news and I remember all the pictures of the beloved dead -- all those people unknown and so faraway from me yet they all have faces, they all had lives, and they weren't all that different from me.  I realize that tonight it could be me.  That death comes uninvited for us all...

I think of all the big men who died; the Pope, the judge, the statesmen, the warmongers, policymakers...  They all did big things only to become small souls on their way to whatever reward they worked so hard to achieve in the afterlife...

And of course there are so many celebrities each year who pass away.  Death didn't think they were so much different than me.

But, a little closer to my heart, there is a young man out there who, in his own way, symbolised death to me this year.  An old friend I thought I knew or maybe just dreamt that I knew, yet from the very beginning our friendship was a sad story, however contrary to the goofy portrait of us below:
In its own way, a friendship, like any relationship, can weaken and die and sometimes it's not due to any one person's fault or for lack of love. Sometimes it's circumstance, but other times it's only natural for people to fall away from each other as much as they fall in love with each other. I'm not saying that Andrew and I were perfect for each other, I'm only saying that, at the peak of the life of our friendship, WE WERE THE BOMB!  In the fall of 2000, we were like an odd couple of pals: a 30 year old woman longing to settle down and a 19 year old who couldn't help but stir things up.  We learned a lot from each other and helped foster each other's development spiritually and emotionally.  Not seeing eye to eye was beneficial; he got me to see things differently and I got him to take another, different look at things he thought he knew everything about.  A part of each other is in the other and that's what will never die, but, as with any end, I'm now finally at peace with never seeing him again.

I focus on the positive but don't forget the negative.  The nasty details of death are best left be unstated, it's the muck of life that springboards me to remember the loves I had and hold them close once more before the future carries me off into that long good-bye.
And I stop to think of another thing I will miss so very terribly: MY OLD JOB. I worked for Vagabond Imports off and on for the better part of a decade. I will miss selling bundles of incense, tapestries, jewlery, and answering endless questions about artifacts from the whole world over. In the photo at left is how the store looked this afternoon after we emptied it. It's just a husk of a place right now, but the echoes of the years we spent there still linger. We discovered old ads and newspapers from as far back as the late 70's. There were photos of past employees and window displays and it was sad to see myself among those photos. It's as if a part of my life has ended to remind me that someday my body will end up some big dustball in an empty hole somewhere rotting pleasantly away while outside and upstairs life goes on in its garish way.  That's Dala, the manager, heading into the backroom in this photo.  She doesn't know I captured her.  But it's only fitting I show you a picture of the store at its end with her in it.  She kept that place going for over 20 years and she taught me herbal lore and kept me healthy last year by getting me to drink LOTS of Ginger root and Fennel tea.

What is All Hallow's without a ghost story?  As I write this, I next think of the man who died in our backroom.  Dala still has yet to tell me the whole story behind that one.  Today, while we were packing and moving, I snapped a few photos of the backroom and basement and managed to capture a vortex:

This is the vortex. Just a smoky line of light that, believe it or not, I did not see when I took the picture.

Here's the same picture yet this time inverted to darkly highlight the vortex. You can clearly start to see what may be the outline of a figure...

Here I outlined the figure's face in white to see how closely it resembles a face. Spooky, eh?  It could just be my over active imagination, but you never know...

The photo above is an image taken just a few steps away from where I photographed the vortex. You can see the tail end of the vortex in the right hand corner.  Funny how it looks just like smoke but no one was smoking in that backroom and it wasn't cold enough to see your own breath.  If it is the unfortunate soul who killed himself 23 years ago, I hope he finds peace one day soon.  He wasn't very talkative so what could I do?

The following looks like something out of Blair Witch, but this is the basement.  Only once did I ever venture down there for safety during a tornado.  I would've rather faced the tornado!  That basement is over 150 years old!  I've always been too creeped out down there to explore it long enough to find any artifacts from the past century.  No one else has been brave enough either!  Yet what hides away in those shadowy places?  What little lives come and go in the dark corners?

True to the process of my thoughts, my mind turns to memories of experiencing Beaver Island, Michigan with Andrew Jacob and Genessa Smith...

It was the most fun I had being mesrible on a mostly uninhabited set of islands in upper Michigan surrounded by misquitoes and stuck in a tent that was falling apart with my best friend and the best friend of his later-to-be ex fiance.  For seven weeks we lived together and it was worth it.  I remember this as the penultimate time of my past friendship.  We did a lot of good together then, and I walk away fondly now, yet I must admit a part of me is still sneering at Andrew's jerky goofy dorkdom!  He was my *and I make a Dr. Evil face* special boy!

I can't be serious for too much longer.  I don't think that thinking about death and endings is meant to be tearful.  At some point, I have to laugh.  It's the one thing my nephews wonder about.  They ask me, "Auntie Val, why do you laugh so much?"  I ponder for a few moments and then say (just before they get distracted by their video games) "I guess I laugh a lot because it's better than just smiling!"

And at that, I leave you with this vintage postcard from 1974 that I found in the backroom of my old store:

Mine are scrambled already enough, thank you please!!!

Here's to another year over and another year just begun.  Happy Samhain to all my loved ones and a big hug to all of you I have yet to know and love!

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/requiem.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/the_start_of_a_new_cycle_blah_blah_blah.mws valentinaxxx 2005-11-02T06:11:20-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/the_start_of_a_new_cycle_blah_blah_blah.mws Well, Samhain's come and gone but the energy of transition is still in the air.  Looks like my new job didn't turn out.  I'm promised hours and, by the time I have time to work after moving all my crap, I'm told there's no hours to give me.  What a drag.  In any case, the move was delayed yet again after I sprained my ankle Monday helping my old boss empty more crap out of the old store.  I also pinched my thumb after almost losing my grip on a set of glass shelves which, if they had broken, I wouldn't be here typing my latest entry, I'd be in the hospital with cut up hands and wrists that would've made me look the suicide attempt victim.  But, alas, with change comes struggle for me.  I'm looking forward to less awkward days and more time to myself.  That's all I have to say for now.  More later after I catch a breath!

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/the_start_of_a_new_cycle_blah_blah_blah.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/remembering_dirk_wolf.mws valentinaxxx 2005-11-05T08:11:30-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/remembering_dirk_wolf.mws

For once I'm not sure how to begin this entry and I've been avoiding being online for a few days to really let my thoughts come out the right way.  I'm writing after the shooting death of an old friend and fellow pagan, Dirk Wolf.  Dirk was killed by someone he knew would kill him and, it's suspected by his friends and family, that the police right now may have the wrong man in custody.  Yet who can really say?  I can't go into all the details because it's still under investigation and I wish not to interfere, but all I can say is much of what I know is hearsay and I'm not the only one who is stunned.  Dirk was shot in broad daylight on the corner of a busy intersection.  Yet I do not feel so bold to discuss all the details here.

I'm numbed by Dirk's death because the last time I saw him and the man accused of shooting him, his business partner, Aaron Harvath, was on Monday.  I was busy packing up stuff at Vagabond Imports when he came in around noon.  Dirk was dressed in his usual black suit, leaning on his cane (he's had to walk with a cane ever since he was bitten by a brown recluse spider and developed nerve damage because of it) and looking at a Balinese dragon flute he'd always wanted to buy but, even with our closing sale, he couldn't afford.  "Evelyn would kill me," he said, "we're on such a tight budget."  So I gave him some incense.  I noticed that he was more well dressed than usual and asked if he was dressed up for Samhain.  He then told me all about his new job; he was starting a security guard business and things were looking up for him and his friend.  Aaron stood there and said not a word, just looked smug.  Which, now that I think about it, was unusual, but at the time I didn't pay it as much mind as I do now. 

When I first met Dirk he was this weird Goth kid who loved to hang out at the Mission Coffee House and would come bug me at Vagabond Imports.  He wanted me to teach him Witchcraft, which I was perfectly willing to do, until he started claiming that he was part of the Illuminati and that he was over 400 years old!  I thought he was joking, but the boy was dead serious.  Then he developed a crush on me and starting leaving little gifts of rose petals and red candles outside the storeroom door.  He even once bragged to me that he cast a love spell on me and that the man I'd marry would come to me during a time of death.  This worried me but not for long.  One day he finally walked in with a girl as strange as he was and the two were really made for each other.  This relationship, and the baby that was produced as a result of it, really matured him.  Dirk would still dress up in black leather, spike out his hair, and wear red contact lenses to make himself look like a member of the undead, but he grew out of pretending he was Illuminati.  It was the girlfriend OR the fact that we teased him about his wild stories all the time.  Hell, for years I entertained people with stories about this strange kid who would later become one of the sweetest men I'd ever know.

He was never officially my student, but I like to think I was his elder, someone like an older sister who was the only one who listened to him enough to answer wild questions.  Even when he once showed me what he claimed was a picture of himself in World War II and bragged that he built an Astral Projection Machine, I was doing my best to set him straight about the Occult arts and religion.  I gave him books, introduced him to Wiccan priest/esses, and once drove him and his girlfriend to Circle Sanctuary.  He even once followed me to a psychic convention I attended in Brookfield.  He became like the little brother I really didn't want because he could be a pest with all his wild questing, but sometimes that's the kind of student you want; someone with devotion, dedication, and, best of all, enthusiasm.

I lost touch with him shortly after I moved to Milwaukee in 2001 and by the time I came back to Point last year, I encountered him again at the Book Market.  I loved the attention and appreciation I recieved from him and his girlfriend so much that I made sure to save them the books they couldn't afford and gave them an extra discount so that they wouldn't miss out on a great bargain.

Dirk was only 23 years old.  He had just started a temple, a business, and his baby daughter is only a few months older than my friend Miya's.  He was part of a humanitarian organization called United Citizens Alliance that Dirk had joined and started a local branch of to help with Hurricane relief efforts.  I donated what little money I had to this organization.  I listened to all his plans.  I was proud of him.  He really grew up.  He was just starting his life! 

Sometimes I forget how conservative Stevens Point is and there's always something that creeps up to remind me when I least want it to and that was all the talk in the local church Dirk's friends attended.  A pastor freaked them out after he openly stated that Dirk would be going to Hell for being Pagan.  Heather, one of Dirk's wife's best friends, contacted my brother and I, her face drenched in tears for Dirk's lost soul.  Heather herself is near death from a heart disease and Dirk's death really has done a number on her because Dirk always told her that he would die way before she would.  Heather would tell him, "No, you can't!  I'm supposed to go first.  I'm the one with the heart condition!"  Over a few beers Friday night, Heather asked me a question I've always been uncomfortable to answer: "Val, do Pagans go to Heaven?"  

It's something Christians do, bless the bad ones' rotten souls, condemn the souls of those who do not believe as they do.  The Pagan concept of the afterlife is different from the Christian POV, but it does not mean after a Pagan dies we go into one place while people of other religions go elsewhere.  Heather's a gentle soul and I didn't want to distress her with too many confusing philosophical details.  I had to narrow things down for her and assure her that she will see Dirk again and that, if she really wanted to, she could even send his soul a message.  "That would scare me too much," she shivered.  "Do you get freaked out when someone calls you on your cell phone?" I asked. 

"But that's different, Val, I know that the person on the other line is alive!" 

"Yet why should it matter if they are alive or dead?"  Perhaps this wasn't the best way to assure Heather, but it was a start to how Pagans view the afterlife.  Since Dirk's path was similiar to mine, I explained that witches believe that our souls go to the moon to be reunited with the souls of our ancestors but there is a small period of time the soul of the witch spends still on earth to protect their loved ones.  After the soul is assured that their loved ones are well, they can go to the moon or move on to The Summerland which is a place very much like the Christian concept of Heaven, but to stay there for too long sometimes proves to be unproductive because the soul is restless and yearns for new experiences.  When the soul is ready to be born again, it will return to earth to begin a new life and learn a new series of lessons.  We believe in reincarnation; we live many lives yet have only one soul, a soul that goes to Heavens only to fall down to Earth again.  There is also the concept of Ascension; that, after a certain number of lives well spent and well learned, the soul can graduate into a more divine form -- a sort of deified ancestor or guardian -- but this concept might be a little too much for even me to explain fully, so it's only implied for you here.

The rest, as they say, is a mystery we all have yet to experience and my friend Dirk was not one to shy away from a discovery.  He loved to talk about death and even looked forward to moving on into the next life, into new adventures.  I assured Heather and Dirk's other non-Pagan friends that they will see Dirk again when they're ready.  For now Dirk, like any good Pagan, would want those who remember him to continue the good work he started and celebrate his life, not mourn his death. 

So what did we do?  We went out and got drunk!  Between moving and drinking, I'm paying the price.  Every muscle of mine is still screaming sore, but it was worth it.  In any case...

Celebrating is one thing, attending a wake is another.  I don't look forward to seeing someone I knew who was so young be taken so violently and be given a Christian funeral.  But funerals are for the living, not the dead, when you really think about it.  In the end, Dirk's body is just a shell and he will be cremated -- it'll be as close to a Viking funeral as he'll get.

I won't forget to miss him and wish him good journey. 

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/remembering_dirk_wolf.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/more_on_the_murder_of_dirk_wolf.mws valentinaxxx 2005-11-05T09:11:27-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/more_on_the_murder_of_dirk_wolf.mws

There's even more to the story than I first thought.  I haven't had the nerve to watch the news or get online because there are just some details about this murder I don't want to see.  It hits too close to home.  Apparently Aaron and another acquaintence of Dirk's have had a hand in his death and this confirms something I was told by a friend.  The thing that pisses me off is that Dirk really was a sweet person and didn't deserve to die like this.  We don't live in a war torn zone, this isn't a gang land ghetto, this is stupid dumb fuck redneck mid Wisconsin northwoods Stevens Point!  Most people who get shot by guns up here are by drunk deer hunters. 

I wish I could do something about this.  I'm so ANGRY. 

However, it makes me think of the many times I've stupidly wished someone I was angry with would just up and die and I have to swallow the guilt of those terrible wishes.  I've had my fair share of quarrels with best friends, but I would never kill someone I've loved.  There was even a bomb scare after the shooting.  I just don't know what to think anymore.  They say that this shooting is an isolated crime and that no one else should fear for their life in this little city, but I escaped one big city where my father's life was threatened at gunpoint only to move to a small city where a friend gets killed by a gun. 

Dirk's death has told me that no one can out run the hatred of others.

When will the violence end?

No tougher laws on handguns will make up for the loss of every life each bullet takes.

I better get off line before I start crying.

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/more_on_the_murder_of_dirk_wolf.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/paganism_defined.mws valentinaxxx 2005-11-06T11:11:28-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/paganism_defined.mws

personalvisions, rampagethruny2 and  other pagan contacts of mine have long tried to fit ourselves into some concise yet convoluted description of our spiritual path so that people unfamiliar with our ways can better understand us.  Thing is, you can't fit every Pagan who walks the Earth under one umbrella label that will please every Pagan!

Here are some definitions, compiled by me based on various sources and experiences I've had, for all those seeking answers.

Contemporary or Neo-Pagans (new pagans) believe in:

Animism: Known as probably the most ancient religious view and is considered the basis of Shamanism; Animism is the belief that every living thing in Nature has a soul.  Trees, plants, rocks, animals, people, elements, weather, stars, etc. all have a soul and all go to a place of reward in the afterlife.

Spirituality: Spirituality is a term used often today by many people who have been disenfrancised by religious institutions and many Neo-Pagans prefer to define their religion as spirituality in order to not associate themselves with organized religion and therefore avoid the pitfalls or mistakes often made by those who practice a major religion such as Catholicism, Christainity, or Islam.  Spirituality is just the state of being spiritual or having a refined or enlightened spiritual state of mind.  A Spiritualist is a person who works and communicates with spiritual beings such as ghosts and Neo-Pagans like talking to ghosts, if they can find a way to do it!

Shamanism:  Animistic practice that involves esoteric trance (reaching an out-of-body or alpha state of consciousness) to recieve information from the spirits of other living beings who have passed into the afterlife.  Knowledge gained from these spirits are used in order to heal and help living people.  There are two types of Shamanism today; Tribal Shamanism which is more culturally based (such as Native American spiritualists known as medicine men/women; basically doctors who use spiritual means to heal members of their tribe) and Multi-Cultural Shamanism which is a more contemporary integration of old and new Shamanism borrowed from more than one tribal or cultural source.  It's also important to note that the purest form of Shamanism practiced today are by the Shamen of Siberia who have culturally different spiritual ways than those practiced in North America. 

Polytheism: The belief in more than one God.  We believe in numerous Gods and Goddesses from many different cultures the world over.  It's important to point out here that reverence to the Gods of All Cultures means Neo-Pagans do not condemn other cultures for believing in Gods we aren't familiar with and we do not try to convert others to our faith because of this.

Duotheism: Most American Neo-Pagans and Wiccans revere The God and Goddess or Lord and Lady which suggests we are, despite polythesitc tendencies, generally duothestic.  In other words, we revere the Gods as one mother figure and one father figure.  In the Faery Tradition of Wicca, one creation story tells of the Goddess giving birth to Herself and producing the God and together their divine love making brought everything to life in one great orgasm or explosion (which matches the Big Bang theory).

Pantheism: The belief that our Gods are everywhere, in everyone and everything, and that every thing has some Divine aspect to it.

Panetheism:  Not to be confused with Pantheism!  Panetheism is the belief that the Gods, despite being numerous, are also viewed as one sacred whole.  Some Neo-Pagans refer to the Gods as "The Many and the All" or "The All Who Are One."  Besides being just a convenient way to narrow down our many God/desses, it's a belief that even some Christians hold as sacred known as the "I AM" (God being known by many names yet all names lend to the belief of just one God) yet not all Monotheists (people who just believe in one god) share the belief that all Gods are The One God that they worship! 

Nature Spiritualism: also called Earth-Centered Spirituality; an umbrella term that doesn't just define some very important aspects of Paganism, but also includes Eco-Christianity and Eco-Buddhism that revere God or the Divine in Nature.  This doesn't mean that Pagans or Pagan Christians (yes, they do exist!) worship nature itself; they merely acknowledge that God/dess exists in Nature and is not outside of it.  This is a very important point to bring across because, when a culture reveres the Divine in Nature, the Earth is therefore considered sacred and worth protecting for future generations.  

Magico-Religion: A form of proto-science or psudeoscience used as a form of religious practice to influence the forces of Nature and the Paranormal.  Many Neo-Pagans include magic as part of their spiritual practice.  We don't just pray to our Gods, we ask the Gods to work through us to help us and others.  The Gods lend us their power and it is through them that we can empower plants, objects, things, places, and people to change in positive and useful ways for the benefit of all.  We don't just rely on magic to bring about results, we practice magic along with modern medicine and science to work even more benefits for our people.  Ours is a religion that moves along with the times and isn't just a quaint set of beliefs inspired by the ancient past.  

Magic:  Magic (also referred to as Magick)  is not the slight-of-hand routines of stage magicians; real magic is made up of rituals and ceremonies done to produce beneficial results for those who perform them.  You could consider it "prayer and meditation with props and cloaks" because everything performed, worn, spoken and used during a ritual is something that helps to bring about a change in someone or something, hence much of what was once "magic" later was to become de-ceremonialised into science and medicine.  Magic is something that is practiced, therefore lending to the term "Practicing Witch" someone who practices Witchcraft as to just calling someone a "Believing Witch" (someone who just believes in Magic).  When you're a Wiccan or a Witch, you don't just believe in magic, you do it.  The modern resurgence of magical practice is an attempt to restore the ancient spiritual knowledge lost to us after waves of monotheistic persecution (people who believe in One God like everyone to believe as they do and one way to ensure that everyone falls in line with their beliefs is to destroy, ridicule, or hide the tradtions, art, and writing of magical traditions).  Magic is also defined as the study and application of psychic forces and phenomenon.    

Goddess Spirituality : A religion that prefers to revere God in a female form.  You will hear many Pagans call upon the Goddess more than the God at times.  This isn't because we never revere God as male, we are just making up for all the institualized religions who have foresaken the feminine form of the Divine.  Yet there are Pagans who are more feminist in manner and taste who will solely refer to God as Goddess.  Goddess Spiritualists are Polythestic in that they revere the Goddess in all her many forms defined by cultures the world over. 

Ecofeminism: A feminist environmental philosophical world view often expressed by Neo-Pagans, Wiccans, and Witches.  Ecofeminists recognize that the longer religions do not revere God in the feminine, the more society will not view women as sacred.  Ecofeminists feel that the oppression of women in society is directly linked with the oppression of Nature.  Most contemporary western Christian beliefs are influenced by a patriarchal political system that preaches men are to rule over women and the Earth.  Ecofeminists stand up to spiritually and politically liberate women and men from this abusive belief system.

Wiccan: Neo-Pagans who follow one of the homogenized (or blended) forms of many different magico-religious folk traditions believed to be prominent in Pre-Christian Europe.  Wicca is often a term used to mask the more sensationalised term Witchcraft but it is not to be confused with Witchcraft! (more on that later)  Wicca is probably the most American form of Paganism alive today because it's a melting pot religion borrowing a little something from every culture and time.  Wicca is also known as The Old Religion (even though it's more new now than old!), The Craft, Wicce, Way/s of the Wise, White Witchcraft, Green Witchcraft, Neo-Pagan Witchcraft, or Benevolent Witchcraft.

Witchcraft :  Basically Witchcraft is "The Craft of the Wise" -- a magico-religion that uses the old European religious folk crafts to procure benefits for the family, hearth, and home.  Witchcraft also is unique in that its practioners turn to the Moon for empowerment and most Witch leaders are women, however there are also many men who practice Witchcraft as well.  Historically, Witchcraft was derived from and based on the ancient pagan mystery religions of Rome, Gaul, and Britian.  Even though Witchcraft influenced it, it is not to be confused with the Satanism of the 18th century that was practiced in defiance and mockery of Catholicism and nor is it to be associated with the Church of Satan today.  Witchcraft was the religion of the poor and the oppressed in Europe and much of the spells handed down to us have a negative bent to them because slaves and serfs were reaching out to ancient Gods for the power to vanquish their masters.  This is where the belief that witches destroyed crops comes from; because the witches of the old days were the ones who worked on your land if you were rich and powerful!  If your peasants started to revolt, the best way to get rid of them was to demonify them and declare their ways evil so no one would ever again rebel against an unjust authority in a religious manner.  This also lends to why contemporary Witches do not like to be in groups or remain a part of institutionalised religions; Witchcraft is the magico-religion of the empowered individual who, whether they walk a solitary path or not, is the one who chooses to believe and practice as they see fit on their own terms.  American Witchcraft today is very feminist, eco-political, Goddess and Moon centered such as the Wiccan Shamanism practiced by leaders Starhawk and Selena Fox.  Witchcraft, as you can see, is also very popular among Americans because it emphasizes and encourages freedom of expression and worship. 

Wiccan Shamanism : A multi-cultural blend of Animistic and Wiccan practices.

Reincarnation: Most or all Neo-Pagans believe that, after we die, we can be born again.  However, unlike the reincarnation beliefs of other religions, we do not all universally believe that our souls transmigrate.  Soul transmigration is the process of a soul coming back to live in various, multi-species or forms.  To most pagans today, it is believed that once you're human, you can be human again because you were probably human before.  Just about any Pagan you talk to has had a Past Life Regression; in other words, they have memories from lives they've lived before and sometimes, through trance, regress back into these other lives to seek knowledge from what they've learned in a past life to help empower or heal themselves in this life. 

Occultism: Occult is a word derived from the Latin Occultus referring to secret knowledge; often meaning that it is the knowledge of the paranormal or supernatural.  To today's Occultists (including Pagans) it means the study of a deeper spiritual reality that can't be measured solely by science or logic that embraces a life long pursuit for truth and wisdom that can only be found by extraordinary means.

Esotericism:  A lot of people incorrectly use this term to define their form of Magico-Religion.  In reality it means advanced knowledge and practices only suitable for the privleged or initiated as opposed to the term exoteric which is public knowledge.

Mysticism:  Mysticism is the pursuit of achieving an advanced state of consciousness or communing with the Divine or God through direct personal experience.  Many Neo-Pagans claim that they, like the mystics of old, have direct communication with their Gods and other otherworldly beings.  Pagan mystics seek to experience the spirit world in the everyday world and such experiences may come unbidden without preparation.  Pagan mystics practice meditation and other forms of spiritual practice to open their minds and bodies to the spirit world to tap into what we believe are natural abilities of insight that have long been suppressed by monotheistic, patriarchal society.

As you can see, Neo-Paganism has been very hard to define because it includes a little bit of each of these religious belief systems and the terminology I have used here isn't always used in a correct, concrete, non-biased-by-Christianity manner to help define Paganism on a Pagan's own terms.  I hope what I've written here helps narrow down the field and maybe today you've understood a little bit more why I am the Witch I am!

Here are a few terms you may come across that not every Pagan lists because they don't want to further confuse the Non-Pagan public or associate themselves with said terms:

Black Magic: Black Magic is generally considered magic that is performed to bring about bad things and is therefore frowned upon.  Wiccans and Neo-Pagans tend to believe that to perform such negative magic is bad luck because what you do in this life will echo back to you.  It falls under the Wiccan Rede: "Do what thou wilt, an' it harm none."  In other words, practice and believe what you want as long as you don't hurt anyone akin to The Golden Rule: "Treat others as you want to be treated."  Yet sometimes contemporary Witches will perform Black Magic to bring a criminal to justice or to avenge someone who has been unjustly treated, so really the Wiccan Rede should be changed to: "Do what thou wilt to those who harm others!"

Satanic Witchcraft : Basically a Satanist who practices Witchcraft or who blends their brand of Satanism with Witchcraft.  They aren't all bad people, they just tend to follow what is known as The Left Hand Path; a form of spirituality that reveres the dark side of Nature and the spirit world.

Spiritualism: Spiritualism is a movement started in the late 1800s and widely practiced in the early 1900s involved with contacting the spirits of the dead and the study of other paranormal phenomenon by psychic mentalists.  Spiritualism is not part of any one religion and most Spiritualists are just curious atheists and arm chair paranormal psychologists looking to prove or disprove psychic mediums.

New Age Spirituality:  Like Neo-Paganism, New Age Spirituality has no formal holy text or religious institution to set their roots in.  The New Age Movement is a group of individuals who share spiritual theories and practices and publish them.  New Age teachings became most popular in the 1960s and 70s when there was a large anti-establishment reaction against the government and organized religion.  New Agers graft onto their beliefs a combination of Western and Eastern philosophies and later into the 1990s they were critized for their free flowing, psuedoscientific beliefs and money making practices.  You could say that New Age Spirituality is, quite literally, the Captolist's Religion because of such a strong emphasis it has on selling products and books that promise to enlight a public desperate for truth.  As you can tell, I don't really like New Agers and have had some bad experiences with them at various psychic conventions!  Unfortunately, many New Agers like to interact with Neo-Pagans and clashes over ethics between the two groups arise upon occasion.  Another unfortunate circumstance is many non-pagans associate us with New Agers, but they really are not part of our sub culture.

 

 

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/paganism_defined.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/a_death_in_the_family.mws valentinaxxx 2005-11-07T09:11:49-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/a_death_in_the_family.mws

I attended Dirk Wolf's wake this evening.  I met and talked with a lot of people I hadn't seen in a long while.  I feel numbed by it all and wept for his family.  I will be going to his funeral service tomorrow morning. 

However, this will not be the only funeral I will be attending tomorrow.  I just recieved word that my uncle Orly died on Sunday and his funeral will be taking place tomorrow night.

My uncle Orly was probably my favorite uncle.  He always stood up for me whenever the rest of the family disapproved of my religion and the way I dressed.  Once when his wife, my auntie Madge forced me to weed her garden during a thunderstorm, he took me inside and made me a hot cup of tea.  When Madge came home to find the work she ordered me to do unfinished, Orly calmed her down.  He always knew the right thing to say to her and to my mother when she and I weren't getting along.

Orly died of lung cancer and the doctors only gave him a few months to live.  He was strong and ended up living almost a year after the diagnosis.  He was something of a patriarch in our family; the man who got things done, the peacemaker, the jester, the king of the house.  He was soft spoken and we shared a birthday together.  We talked about how superior us Capricorns were to the rest of the signs in the zodiac!

My only regret is that I didn't get to see him before he died.  The last time I spoke with him was 14 years ago when I was just entering college.  Even though the rest of the family didn't show up to show their support, he patted my back and told me he was proud of me because I was now free to follow my dreams. 

I'll miss him.  I don't know what else to say.

I am surviving a strange time of death.

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/a_death_in_the_family.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/something_meaningful_dirk_wolf_wrote.mws valentinaxxx 2005-11-07T09:11:43-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/something_meaningful_dirk_wolf_wrote.mws

Here's something I wanted to share that Dirk wrote that has touched me.  It also gives me a lot to think about after his death and the death of my uncle.  I think about how I would want my funeral to be, but, most importantly, how I want to lead the rest of my life, and that's the greatest lesson I can think of during this time of grief.  Hell, it's not supposed to be a time of grief!  Enough of death!  It is a time we should be celebrating life. 

The Labyrinth of Life

Like the Labyrinth, life at first seems tedius.
Taken for granted, just a never ending corridor full of
meaningless unfulfilling events.

But look around......
It's more than meets the eye.
Nothing's as it seems.

Life is an intricate clockwork of paths and halls.
  Some lead to dead ends.
  Others lead to treasures beyond comparison.

The only way to find them --
is to open your inner eyes.

-- Dirk A. Wolf

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/something_meaningful_dirk_wolf_wrote.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/a_place_for_everyone_in_spirit.mws valentinaxxx 2005-11-08T04:11:16-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/a_place_for_everyone_in_spirit.mws Dirk's funeral went well and there will be Pagan services at a later time this week, a service that will be an honor for me to fulfill. I had dreams about Dirk last night and didn't sleep as well as I would've liked. But this is okay because I'm more alert than I have been in a long while. I've realized how important now it is for me to lead a more active and spiritual life that I previously put on hold because my former friend, Andrew Jacob, seemed to have taken the reins in that department. I felt that to act as priestess would over shadow his actions as up-and-coming priest, but he has his own way of doing things and I have mine. There is a place for everyone in this religion and we need to find better ways to be united. At the funeral today, there were a few arguments between Dirk's family and Dirk's friends. Dirk was a Pagan priest, just newly ordained, and had started his own temple last year. However the funeral went according to the Christian rituals the family was most comfortable with and the Pagan side of Dirk's life was not acknowledged. I said a few words in rememberance of Dirk and was explicitly told not to freak out Dirk's mother who was, in her grief, questioning whether or not Dirk was saved. All I could say was that Dirk was very spiritual and that he would be missed, but our love for him will give him wings. I looked out at the people gathered in love for him and my heart warmed to see them smile through their tears. Dirk would've loved to see that, too. And there's the deep calling in my heart. The Goddess is pushing me. I must go out and finish what I promised to do long ago and that is to share our truth with the world and help take care of those who love Her. I will be meeting with Dirk's pagan congregation later tomorrow to create ritual. I will share with you here what a Neo-Pagan funeral entails.

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/a_place_for_everyone_in_spirit.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/tag_ive_been_it.mws valentinaxxx 2005-11-10T04:11:31-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/tag_ive_been_it.mws

Um, I got tagged by egseah !  If you get tagged next, do the following:

1. Go into your archives.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Post the fifth sentence (or closest to it).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five other people to do the same thing.

My fifth sentence of my 23rd post was:

"It's been far too easy to cling to others in vain hopes that they will love me back as much as I imagine I love them."

Mine was a little deep and kinda depressing.  I was harping on unrequited love at the time.  Go figure.  Story of my life.  I'm not sure who I will tag, but I'll add details later.

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/tag_ive_been_it.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/answers_to_questions.mws valentinaxxx 2005-11-10T05:11:31-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/answers_to_questions.mws

A while back, rampagethruny2 sent me these questions and here's my answers to them.

#1: Do you believe Wicca/paganism/witchcraft to be a harmful religion?

Not at all.  Our religion is one that reveres all of Nature and life as sacred.  We do not condone violence or terrorism as viable means to achieve great rewards in the afterlife either.  We also do not recruit or preach that other people have to believe as we do. 

#2: Is paganism really one of the most tolerant religions there are, or is that simply a matter of opinion?

It's very tolerant of other belief systems, but just like any other religion, we have our own ways that we believe are right.  The biggest problem we have is that there are very few religions that believe we are good and those religions tend to use us as a scapegoat for more of the decadent and immoral behavior that they believe is wrong all because we are unconventional.  Mainly we are persecuted by Christians, but I do see some Pagans ridicule Christians which I do not believe is correct behavior for a Pagan.  If we clearly endeavor to not harm others, we must also put respect in practice.

#3: Have you been "persecuted" for being pagan? (Have people tried to preach to you or have you been treated differently because of your religion?)

My family disowned me for many years and, even after the death of my uncle, were uncomfortable talking to me.  I used to think it was because they were ill informed about my religion and its tenets of belief, but now I believe it's just due to fear endoctorined to them by the religions of their choice; Penecostal Christianity and Catholicism, two religions that see Paganism as a threat.  I've never really understood why Paganism is such a threat to Christianity.

My mother brought me up the best she could and she saw my conversion to a different faith as a betrayal, so understandably, she would viligantly preach to me in order to save my soul.  Over the years she has become very ill and she has done her best to understand what I believe.  Yet she still will use Biblical scripture to win me over.  What she and other Christians fail to realize is that their Bible isn't our word of God/dess and therefore quoting from it means little to nothing for us.  I have learned to be patient with her and others, thank them for caring so much to try to save my soul, and continue to endeavor to "turn the other cheek" so to speak!

#4: From what you've seen, most factual rituals or things to do to celebrate a sabbat haven't had an underlying satanic meaning, right?

Pagans do not acknowledge the existence of Satan and rarely do we perform any rites where we praise or worship the dark forces of spirit.  In fact, worshipping the dark side is expressly forbidden because to do so is to invite such forces into our lives and no one wants an evil spirit in their home.  There are more rituals out there to protect one's self from evil than to invite it or even cast it at someone else.  Occasionally we will say a few words to honor the destructive sides of Nature, but we never call such terrible forces as the work of Satan.  Because we revere Nature, we respect the aspects of it that we fear and we do not view death as the end of all existence; death is a part of life.  Again, Satan has nothing to do with our religion.  It's just simply not the figure of adversity in our beliefs.  Even a Satanist will tell you that.

#5: Have you ever seen an example of the Wiccan Rede at work? (Just wondering!)

Hmmmm.... Well, I have seen people guilt themselves out when they know they've done something wrong and sometimes that will invite justice to bring her swift swords down on them.  I can't think of any one particular specific example.  Some Pagans believe that the Wiccan Rede is simply a mantra we use to curse ourselves into doing what is right because we know that there is such a thing as "cause and effect."  What we do in life brings results.  If you push something too far to the edge of a cliff, it will eventually crash to the ground.  Most of us would rather continue to do "good magick" than suffer the consequences of cosmic damnation if we do "bad magick." 

I hope these answers serve you well in your research! 

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/answers_to_questions.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/some_new_blog_themes_o_mine.mws valentinaxxx 2005-11-10T08:11:38-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/some_new_blog_themes_o_mine.mws

I didn't get to create as many new themes as I would've liked, but moving and funerals got in the way.  Now that I'm on my way getting settled into a new home and job (yay!  I'll be video store clerk... who knew?), I can showcase a few that got accepted over the weekend and some I'm working on right now.  Without further adieu:

Accepted last weekend: Medieval & Da Vinci

Ones I'm working on or just finished:
Frida Kahlo
Celtic Dragon
Enid & Geraint an Arthurian legend from "Idylls of the King"
Queen of the Night an Art Deco theme featuring the work of Russian artist Erté
Bridgman inspired by the painting "Reclining by a Stream" by Frederick Arthur Bridgman

More to come!

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/some_new_blog_themes_o_mine.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/a_happy_death.mws valentinaxxx 2005-11-11T12:11:58-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/a_happy_death.mws

Well, I must say it is good to finally concentrate on things a little less heavy than death, but after coming back from my Uncle Orly's funeral, I can say I now know what a happy death is.  My uncle lived a very rich life.  He was married for 52 years and was surrounded by people he loved when he died as much as when he was alive.  He was loved by everyone because he always had a way of getting everyone together without much fuss.  I can't say that I'm completely happy that he's dead, but I am happy that he is no longer suffering. 

Now, any time my Austrian side of the family gets together you can expect someone to be boisterous and others to be austere with little to nothing in between.  As soon as I arrived at the funeral home, my cousin Linda (one of the boisterous ones) yelled out, "Hey, everyone, the Witch in the family is back!"  Before I could tell Linda to quiet down in respect to our more conservative relatives, I realized she did this so that the emphasis on her being the "black sheep in the family" would be less severe.  Thanks, Linda.  Everyone tried to ignore me and I thought I'd get out at the end of the service, but, oh, no!  Aunt Madge requested that all the relatives come to her place for food and conversation.  I've never gotten along with my Aunt Madge, but my heart softened to see her in tears over the loss of her husband.

And then my Aunt Cathy told me that, despite everything, everyone was glad to see me that they'd always knew I'd go far in the Arts.  You see, I'm the first woman in my family to make it on my own, unmarried with no children to drag me down, and therefore my only responsibility is to take care of myself, something I believe my Aunts always resented me for.  For once I didn't feel too badly out-of-place being the odd loner.  I actually felt relieved but it gave my relatives little to talk to me about.  It was like they just didn't want to know anything else because they just couldn't relate to me.  Not like I was supposed to be the focus of the gathering anyway, it was my Uncle Orly's funeral nonetheless, and by the time I got to the service I was already worn out by Dirk's funeral.

As I sat through the service for my uncle, I noticed a difference (besides the obvious) between the funerals I attended on Tuesday.  Dirk's funeral was crowded, filled with lots of young people who numbered from acquaintences to very close friends.  Orly's funeral was very small and intimate, filled with older people who needed a lot of help to get around.  Orly's funeral was also strictly Catholic but the priest was young and charismatic, cute even!  I watched the priest carefully because he directed the service in a way where he tried to emphasize life after life -- something I liked and was surprised by.  At Dirk's funeral, there was no priest or pastor, but the air was filled with Christian gospel music and the ceremony was impromtu, leaving room for friends and family to get up and testify what Dirk meant to them.  I wished it had been like that at my uncle's funeral.  But by the time we got to Aunt Madge's, there was plenty of time for us to share stories about Orly, and yet we didn't.

In both funerals people focused too much on the death of the loved one and even my Pagan friends were so daunted by the violence of Dirk's death that it was too hard to remember that we will see him again.  In fact I talked to both Dirk and my Uncle over the last couple days.  I can feel them around.  Last night I even had a dream where Dirk was showing me what it was like to be a happy ghost.  He told me that his work as a priest would continue in the spiritworld.  On Wednesday morning I was wakened by my uncle's voice.  It was just like him to try and get me to get up early in the morning.  He used to do that back when I was in high school.  He was the best alarm clock ever.

I kept wondering where my tears were during the funerals.  I wept only a trinkle which is highly unusual for me.  Both men meant a great deal to me, yet why wasn't I weeping like everyone else?  I kidded myself that perhaps my anti-depressant medication was working over time.  I was wrong.

As soon as I got home, I cried like a baby.

There's something refreshing about weeping wildly like that.  I cried so hard my pillows were soaked with tears.  I hadn't cried that hard since I lost my best friend who, by the way, I wrote recently because life is too short and time passes by too fast to let me continue to hold a grudge against him for getting married.

Even though Dirk was taken from us too early, his was a happy death filled with honors bestowed upon him by many friends.  And even though I'd still like to have my uncle alive, his was also a happy death because he lived a full life and left behind beautiful children and great memories.

I don't know what else to say.  So much else has happened in the last few days.  I find myself staring off into space lost in thought unable to start or do much of anything.  Do you know how that feels?

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/a_happy_death.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/more_troubles.mws valentinaxxx 2005-11-14T07:11:22-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/more_troubles.mws

Just so you all know, I might not be online for the next few days and here's a little ditty on why...

I wish I could say that my life has gotten easier since last week, but it hasn't.  Over the weekend I came down with something FIERCE.  I thought it was just a little cold but soon I was on my back in an almost comatose state of being.  I wept, like, every few hours and obviously needed a huge boost from somewhere.  When I didn't get a chance to call my brother, he came looking for me and forced me to go to hospital.  The good news is I'm just suffering from some bad bacteria that has crept into my lungs and it will easily be killed off by some anti-biotics.  They gave me a breathing treatment and I've regained some of my strength so this is how I'm able to walk over to a computer at the university, however the move to my new apartment is incomplete.  Half of my belongings are still at my old apartment and, after still not yet recieving my last pay check from Vagabond Imports, I have no money to pay my rent or pay for help to get me completely moved.  I managed to make a little money doing some Tarot readings just before I got really sick and needed bed rest.  In fact right now I'm supposed to be resting, but there's only so much of an empty room I can take.  I have no phone, no TV, no life.  I HAVE TO GET OUT.  Don't worry.  I'm bundled up.  Not taking any more chances that that.

My health always tends to slide downward whenever I'm this badly depressed.  I heard from Andrew again, briefly, while on his honeymoon.  He respectfully spared me details about the ceremony, yet I got the feeling that he misses me and probably wished I could've been there, but, understandably he knew that would never fly.  At least there is no anger anymore, just a little prickly pain of bitter sweet loss.  Again, may the next life we'll be with each other better, who knows now!  Anyway...

I don't want to be morbid, but I can't get the smell of dead blood and stale gun powder out of my mind/nose.  It's all I've been able to smell since Dirk's funeral.  I wish there was still something I could've done for him.  I just feel helpless.  I need to take it easy, but can't with so much going on in my mind.  After my uncle's death, it's renewed my interest in getting my lungs healthier, but, I have to tell you, right now -- with my best friend gone for good off on his honeymoon and never to be seen again, my friend Dirk taken before he could even hit his prime, my home out of sorts, and with so many reminders of death all around me during this changing season, I just want to find a coffin of my own to climb in.  Hey, I'm not being suicidal, just expressing a need to escape pain is all.

Yet being the spiritual person that I am, even the pain I feel now can follow me into the next life.  I just want to stop waiting around for everything to be fixed.  I want things to be done right now so I can move on in peace.  So, with that, words of encouragment and hope will be much appreciated.  If I am to die, I certainly know then that I wasn't alone!

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/more_troubles.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/some_thoughts_i_just_have_to_shout_out.mws valentinaxxx 2005-11-14T08:11:43-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/some_thoughts_i_just_have_to_shout_out.mws

Yeah, I have to say it...  I still think it's rotten luck that my former best buddy is having a better time than I am.  Don't you just hate that?  When I'm down, I want company to be down with.  Just give us a mattress to lay on and a bottle of gin to suck on and suddenly the world would seem so much cozier.  That's what I'd like to do with miyamom right now.  She's also down.  Yeah, girl!  Let Drew deal with the funerals and surgeries next time and we'll take over his honeymoon.  I'm not as bitter as I was about it earlier, or angry even, but there's this urge in me to shake my fist to the sky and say, "Hey! You.  Up.  There.  Why the hell are you forshaken' me?!"  Yeah.  That's FOR-SHAKING.  Instead of foresaken.  Was I made for being shaken'?  I'm not sure what the universe is trying to tell me.  I hope the stars realize that I'm only human and that means I'm entitled to bark about the bad roll of the dice I've gotten the last few weeks.

Still.  Come on.  Why couldn't I be the one who got to get married and let someone else deal with death and illness?  I mean.  At one time I looked forward to my friends marrying.  But that was before I was the one left out.  Hmmm....  One of these days I'll be married.  Maybe.  Just not right now.  I feel like just marrying someone, anyone, as long as they're cute, just so I don't have to deal with troubles on my own.  I'm not exactly alone in having troubles, mind you, still it would be nice to not have to go home to my empty place with just the echoes of my compliants to follow me.  However, I don't want anyone to complain to either. 

I just want to be home for someone.  I believe I'm worth coming home to.

And here's another thing that irks me: getting turned down by prospective new employers.  When is someone out there going to wake up and realize that I'm loyal and true and worthy to be employed?  My video store job now went bust.  Now what am I going to do?  I can't sleep over this!

Well, no use keeping on writing about it.  I've got to get off line now, otherwise this blog is just gonna turn into one big poop fest!

Heck, I need to go visit deletedscenes for a good giggle or two....

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/some_thoughts_i_just_have_to_shout_out.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/oh_and_you_know_i_have_to_come_back_and_talk_about_lost.mws valentinaxxx 2005-11-14T08:11:11-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/oh_and_you_know_i_have_to_come_back_and_talk_about_lost.mws

Wasn't that just the lamest way for Shannon to die?  Seems like anyone who tries to get Walt back ends up getting whacked! 

Come on, wail it out with me "WAAAAAAAAALT!"

Damn, and Sawyer better get better soon or I'm going to have to kick someone's ass just to relieve the pressure I've had building up the last few days....

In any case, here's a few fun pix to tide us over until the next episode:
 

This is true, for me at least. I like mad Irishmen, too. Just look at this guy. Look at his face. Look at that mouth. You know he's gotta make some angry love! I would after all that time buried in that hatch.
I wanna see "Brutha!" Desmond come back and get together with the freaky French chic. Wouldn't they make a mad couple? They'd have sooooo much in common!

Oooh, now that gives me ideas for deletedscenes !  If I wasn't so sick, I'd work on it right now...

  

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/oh_and_you_know_i_have_to_come_back_and_talk_about_lost.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/i_take_a_break_and_someone_kicks_me_while_im_down_why.mws valentinaxxx 2005-11-19T08:11:00-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/i_take_a_break_and_someone_kicks_me_while_im_down_why.mws

I, at first, hesitated to post this next entry but I had to because I'm interested to hear your impressions of it.  I think parity, like myself, has had a lot of offline stress lately and sometimes this makes it hard to clearly communicate with others online.  As you all know, I create blog templates as a hobby for Mindsay and, as many of you may not know, I'm not an expert at css, I just collect and borrow and experiment with things and, when I find something that works well for Mindsay, I share it with you guys.  parity , otacon120 , and even callmeroger have all shared with each other and others some of the experiments we've done with css and flash.  Not everything we do is a fair example of our expertise, but you can clearly see that we are learning and having fun.  I assumed that everyone on Mindsay had this mind set with css.  Apparently I was wrong.  Before I got gravely ill this last week with an upper respiratory infection that kept me in bed rest, I emailed parity , just like I would anyone else on Mindsay, with a simple request:

On 15/11/05, Val K wrote:

Dear B:

Valentina herre.  Was wondering if you could pass along a few css cheat sheets for many of the fun layouts you do with scrolling, transparencies, etc.  I have a few experiments I wanna try out later.  So, basically, I shared mine with yours, now you can share with me!  I especially want to explore with coming up with new images for the pacman thingies.

Right now I've got to get back to bed, so you can take your time.

I'll keep in touch!

~the Val

Much to my dismay, this is the response I got from parity , who, by the way, is normally a very friendly gal to approuch with such requests and I was deeply saddened that she'd take such offense to my words.. 

Dear Val,

You are an exceptionally talented woman, and the work you produce is appreciated by many people. I also have appreciated and respected you, and I believe I have repeatedly shown that to you with encouragement, well wishes, support when things are tough etc. However, your email has seriously disturbed me and given me much reason to reevaluate our connection.

 

Firstly your "request", reads more like an order and by the inclusion of: "I shared mine with yours, now you can share with me!", it sounds like you are stating that I owe you. However, I was under the impression that you shared from the goodness of your heart and that you did it simply because you wanted to help others; ideals which you state repeatedly. 

 

I would also like to point out that you yourself could not have written those cheat sheets, had you done so you would have understood what affect "td" had by being included in the body. As I recollect you had a problem with the plugin calendar and did not know how to fix it, and once I investigated and learnt how to correct the problem I also gave that knowledge to you. The scrolling affect is also created by very basic CSS commands, and had you written the cheat sheet you would know those commands. In relation to the filters: I told not only told you which one I was using but also where to locate the information when you first asked. Further to that, I also attempted to give you the information for the icon's, however, I did not want to be disrespectful to Octacon and I conceded to his superior ability and knowledge with CSS. What happened then, not only was I unprepared for but I was also surprised by. I do believe though that as Octacon stated he will give you the same information he gave me if you were to simply ask him.

Val, as I said you are an exceptionally talented woman and one that I believe is quite capable of great achievement, however, I am not prepared to do the work for you. I also believe that the help I have already given you has more than repaid you for the initial supposed 'free' start you gave me. A start which I might add that I built on by reading, and research, trial and error. Personally I found not only your request but the manner in which you delivered it to further enforce my belief that our connection has never been a reciprocal one. I wish you no malice or harm Val, and I will reiterate that the filter is opaque, the scroll affect you will get from basic CSS commands, and Octacon has already stated that he will tell you how to change the icons if you ask. 

I am also well aware that my email is likely to seem offensive to you, though I do hope you will receive it in the manner in which it is intended. I do wish you all the best Val, and ultimately I do believe you will be very successful not only in learning what you want but in life in general.

 

Sincerely

B-- 

Am I crazy or did I say something I didn't mean?  Or is she crazy for thinking I'm ordering her to share with me?  Where did I go wrong with this?  octacon120 and callmeroger have never responded like this whenever we've requested information from each other.  Should I, from now on, guard my words with them, too?  Do you all think I'm like this?  Now I'm disturbed!  So emailed parity back on this, hoping that things would make better sense to her.  However, I think at the end of my explanations, my depression over this issue seeped through.  Normally, you see, I get online looking forward to getting as fast as I can onto Mindsay to see what everyone else is up to and am anxious to share all the stuff I'm coming up with, but now I'm wondering if maybe I should hold back.  That maybe I'm over stepping my boundaries by doing so many designs.  Or perhaps I'm over-sharing.  Have I gone too far?  And, yes, I know, I'm probably even going a little far by posting these emails, but I wanted to publicly address this issue with everyone on Mindsay just in case parity isn't the only one who feels this way.  I know there's no pleasing everyone, but, just so you all know, really, I'm doing my best to be fair here!

Alright, here's my response to her last email.  Frankly, it's really gotten me down.  I'm not offended, just saddened and don't know what else to do but respond as honestly as I can and pray that it's not another sign that I should give up on something I love because it was bothering someone else.  You have no idea how badly it hurts to find out that someone else got hurt by something you've said or done when there was absolutely no intention on my part to hurt this other person.  It happens and I wish it wouldn't.

Am I a liar or a cheat?  Have I been, all this time, some evil tyrant on Mindsay by churning out too many blog templates?  Should I quit and let someone else be a Mindsay Goddess?  I mean, come on, that's why we put together the blogthemes blog so that you all can get in on the action.  Everyone can be a Mindsay Design God/dess!  I don't want to be the only one.  Listen.  You be the judge.  Respond to this entry and let me know if perhaps I should just stop what I'm doing or if parity should stop.  I just visited blogthemes and was further saddened by parity's announcement that she's quitting.  But it's not a job!  It's a hobby!  We do this for fun, friends o' Mindsay! 

Here's what I sent her.  I hope I wasn't too sad or mean, really!  Again, you be the judge:

Dear B:

Whoa.  I didn't know something like this could disturb you.  But I can see why you're concerned, however surprising to me.  I meant to say "I shared mine with yours, now you can share with me!" as something light and cheerful, not as an order.  OH, well.  Sorry it sounded so queer.  It was totally unintentional and it disturbs me that you'd find that offensive.  But what can I do?  You can't hear me say those words, you can only read them in email and bring your own interpretation to them.  *sigh!* 

 

I came up with the cheat sheets after studying the standards and css codes from various sources on the web. I collected a lot of examples of what other people did while learning css so, of course, nothing is completely original and I'm NOT a computer tech person or a css expert yet people assume I am.  Everything I learn, I learned from experts and I borrow a lot from here and there; that's how a lot of people learn things, by picking up things from the knowledge and experience from others who are more expert.  I've never took a single class on css or web design.  It took me months to find sheets that made as close to a precise fit as possible for Mindsay blog template purposes.  Brian and I had a hell of a time figuring out all the bugs, and believe me there were many at first.  So much of what I wrote was a result of trial and error and, once I got it right, I posted the results so that other people could add their creativity to the blank examples because, frankly, I couldn't and shouldn't be the only person doing blog designs.  I knew that there were other worthy designers or even laymen out there with ideas of their own, so I decided to make things easier for everyone.

 

The "td" part and so forth were table settings from other pages that called for them and I didn't realize that keeping them there would have messed up stuff on Mindsay, but I kept them there just out of sheer ignorance and force of habit.  I'm not an expert on css or even web page design, I'm just an illustrator who has learned a lot from experts and am passing on the savings to other designers and friends.  There's still a lot I'm picking up and experimenting with and a lot I want to do that still isn't turning out quite the way I want it to.

 

I had an idea for a set of new blog templates that I wanted to implement but needed your advice on.  I was simply asking for your help and was very interested to learn how you came up with things and where you got some of your examples for the filters and so on.  The idea I had in particular was to utilize a series of Astrological paintings of mine as a background that would scroll along with the blog text.  I still haven't figured out how to do it just right with each browser required for Mindsay.  I'm sure you've run into that, too.  What works with IE doesn't always work with Firefox and so on!  I was asking you to share with me the simple code you found that worked so it would cut me some corners.  I went to the various resources you listed and nothing has worked as well as I intended.  You wouldn't be doing any work for me by sharing, you'd just be doing me a simple favor and sharing with me like I've shared with everyone else but I made the mistake in assuming that this wouldn't have been such a big deal.

 

I was not, however, asking you to do ALL the work for me!  I'm so surprised that you'd think that that's what I was asking.  I'm saddened, really, that you'd think I was being dishonest.  However I do appreciate you being honest with me in your concerns.  Once again, I'm not asking you to give away your "secrets" so to speak because, frankly, they aren't secrets per se because the codes can be found else where on the web, however it would save me time, like I saved you and everyone else time, by just simply sharing a few tips with each other.  I can understand that you want, like everyone else, to protect your ideas and don't want someone else to copy off of something you've worked hard to accomplish.  You want to be credited.

 

As I look around Mindsay, it's clear to me that each of us has their own style and way of doing things.  After I shared with others the examples of how to put a css sheet together for Mindsay, I never once complained that everyone was taking my ideas or mooching off of my laurels.  On the contrary, I was exeedingly glad that other people were picking up things and taking off into new directions I didn't think of when I was working out my designs for Mindsay.  And, to clear a point home, everything I've done for Mindsay was donated.  I don't make a profit on anything I do there!  I just do it for the simple sheer joy of creating stuff.  Web design is my hobby, it keeps me happy and distracts me from other stresses in my life.  I get online looking forward to designing something new and/or fun.

 

Where I went wrong was I assumed everyone else had the same attitude that I had.  I've communicated with Jacob (Octacon) on numerous occasions and we've shared codes with each other, but for some reason this time I asked you to share and you were offended.  My apologies for disturbing you.

 

Maybe it was just unwise for me to presume and I'm really sorry you feel this way.  No one else has made the presumptions you've just come up with or have gotten upset when I ask them how to do something.  I get asked all sorts of questions, too, and, if there's something I don't know, I tell you guys I just don't know how to fix it and it hasn't stopped anyone else from finding out how to do things on their own or made them stop and think, "hmmm... if Val doesn't know how to do this, then how can she be doing what she does on Mindsay?  Maybe she's a liar for coming up with those cheat sheets!"  Again, as I've stated time and again, I'm no expert, I'm just an expert at scrounging around for new information and ideas and I'm always willing to pass on what I've learned.  When I do find out something cool and new, I always make sure everyone else gets in on it, so forgive me for assuming you had the same approuch and out look. 

 

It makes me wonder if I should just stop.  I just don't completely understand why it's so difficult to be friendly with people.  I'm only trying to be a good person.  Why is that so hard for others to get?

~Val

 

 

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/i_take_a_break_and_someone_kicks_me_while_im_down_why.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/nothing_says_loving_like_getting_a_gift_in_the_mail.mws valentinaxxx 2005-11-19T09:11:25-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/nothing_says_loving_like_getting_a_gift_in_the_mail.mws

While I was recooperating from my brochial infection last week (and tempoarily offline which really sucked, I might add!) my friend Greg sent me a heaping pile of occult books and seven Tarot decks in the mail!  I was really amazed.  When he told me he was sending me something, I had a lot of fun figuring out what it would be.  To tell you the truth, I expected porn or food or videos because our friendship has always revolved around indulgence.  Greg is the one guy I could bring home and not feel self conscious over eating something naughty in front of.  You know how it is, girls, when you're a fatty the last thing you want a cute guy to see is you stuffing your face with a pastry!  With Greg, he joins right in and there have been many nights we'd snuggle by the light of a TV screen and chat over a good foregin film relaxing after a good hearty meal and a couple of drinks.  So when Greg said he was going to send me a gift, I knew it was going to be something special. 

When I first saw the box sitting on my doorstep, I shocked at how big it was.  It was like Christmas day and Santa was rewarding me for being extra good.  I tore it open and thrilled to the contents inside.  There were several books that were out of print that I had long wanted and never found on ebay!  And the Tarot decks!  He added seven to my growing collection of cards.  I especially loved the Lover's Tarot and the Tarot of Love and immediately gave myself a reading from them on my love life.

Of course I got nothing but great results.  My heart and mind are full.  I can't wait to see him again!  We were going to do a photo shoot this month but money got tight for both of us.  Hopefull next month we'll hook up.  I'll share the pix.  For now here's a few of the new place (shows the progression of my little hobbit hole of an apartment -- sorry for the quality of the pix, my digital camera is really cheap):

And here's my landladies, Tammy and Pat! They're a couple of really cool chicas:

And I moved during a big snow storm.  Now that was something!  Managed to do everything in one night.  I'm glad it's all over.  I'm moved now and settled.  Yay!

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/nothing_says_loving_like_getting_a_gift_in_the_mail.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/feeling_a_little_shy.mws valentinaxxx 2005-11-19T10:11:24-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/feeling_a_little_shy.mws I just took a look at some things parity said over the last few days while I was offline.  I am in tears.  For the first time EVER I'm in tears over things someone has said about me on Mindsay.  I can't believe how bad I feel over what parity said.  I'm actually feeling really afraid of expressing myself.  You never know when something is going to effect someone else so badly and I can't help but feel so absolutely terrible over someone thinking I was trying to take advantage over them.  I wasn't!  It's the same feeling I got whenever my mother would say "I'm really disappointed in you, Val" whenever I was just being true to myself and didn't realize my mother didn't like me for being me.  Maybe it's all the funerals I went to, the grief I've felt, and the illness I'm still getting over that makes me extra sensitive to other people's feelings right now.  I thought I was doing something good and it hurts to come back online after several days of bed rest to a ranting email and matching set of explosive blog rants over something I said that was so innocent.  I had no idea parity hated me for simply asking her for input and thinking I suggested she owed me anything.  How could I have worded things differently?  When can I ever know when something I've said is going to hurt someone else unintentionally?  I really hate it when someone thinks I've done them wrong, especially when I was doing my darnedest to not do anything wrong and when I just didn't know that something I said/did had done someone some kind of injustice. Just makes me want to sneak back into bed and die.  Wish I could please everyone.  That's all I can say.  And dare I say it, maybe I should quit doing blog templates, too.  I was doing something I loved.  Only trying to update the cheat sheets so everyone else could make their own blog designs, too.  Now I feel a little ruined inside.  Like maybe I shouldn't have done anything on Mindsay and remained just an ordinary blogger.  If I had only known or guessed that something I did would offend someone -- BUT I have to scratch that thought.  I CAN'T please everyone.  That's the whole point.  If only I could erase this feeling.  The terrible feeling that someone hates me for no good reason other than I wrote something that I had no idea they'd take the wrong way.  It makes me just want to shut up and give up.  And I have to stop crying over this, too.  I can't believe how adversely effected I am.  I should be stronger than this. 

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/feeling_a_little_shy.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/open_invitation_to_update_the_css_cheat_sheets.mws valentinaxxx 2005-11-19T11:11:26-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/open_invitation_to_update_the_css_cheat_sheets.mws

Reposted here for my friends from the blogthemes blog: 

The CSS Cheat Sheets need an update and I'm publicly inviting any and all blog template designers on Mindsay to add whatever they've learned works for Mindsay here.  You will note that I took out the "td" part at the beginning of the script so that whatever background image you use will not automatically become the background for your blockquotes, calendars, etc.  However you will need to keep the "xmp" part so that, if you want to color your scroll bars, it will do so for IE.  Also keep in mind that you have to make things work for all the browsers used by Mindsay users.  I also failed to mention in the previous cheat sheets that you should save your images as "save for web" in Photoshop and save them as medium jpgs other wise they will have to be resized by Mindsay staff.  You can always add a high quality jpg for your headers if you want to customize them later.  Hope that all makes sense! 

Okay, here's the basic cheat sheet you can cut and paste into the Theme Submission page(s).  Keep in mind that anything that has a "______" you can delete and paste in your own color hex codes and image urls: 

body, xmp
{scrollbar-DarkShadow-Color:#______;
scrollbar-Track-Color:#______;
scrollbar-Face-Color:#______;
scrollbar-Shadow-Color: #______;
scrollbar-3dLight-Color:#______;
scrollbar-Highlight-Color:#______;
scrollbar-Arrow-Color:#______;
background: #______;

FOR AN OPAQUE FILTER

filter:alpha(opacity=5); /*for IE ONLY*/
-moz-opacity:0.5; /*for NS6 ONLY*/;

*Optional Opaque addition: You can also do something like this...

background-color: #______; /*This is the color of the filter*/
filter: alpha(opacity=100, finishopacity=0, style=2); /*There are three styles; try the other two to see them. As for finishopacity, change the value to see what that does*/
font-weight: bold;
text-align: center;
font-size: 100%

*end optional filter code*

font-size: 72%; color:#______;
font-family: (put in your favorite fonts here but make sure that they're fonts most other computers have);
  text-align: center (you can also align your text left or right, feel free to experiment);

}

a:link, a:visited, a:active, b
{text-decoration:none;color:#______;
filter:progid:dximagetransform.microsoft.gradientwipe(duration=2);font-weight:bold; }

a:hover
{text-decoration: none; color:#______;font-weight:bold;}

The above link settings are just for a simple color change whenever someone swipes their mouse over the link text.  Here are the other codes you can use for other link effects (again, feel free to add your own codes for other effects in your replies to this entry and we'll put them all together for expanded scope):

UNDERLINE/OVERLINE LINKS

a:link, a:visited, a:active, b
{text-decoration: none;color:#______;filter:progid:dximagetransform.microsoft.gradientwipe(duration=2) }

a:hover
{text-decoration: underline overline; color:#______;}

DOTTED LINE AROUND LINKS

a:link, a:visited, a:active, b
{text-decoration:none;color:#______ ;
filter:progid:dximagetransform.microsoft.gradientwipe(duration=1); }

a:hover
{text-decoration: none; color:#______;
border:1px dotted #______;}

SETTING A BACKGROUND IMAGE FOR LINKS:

a:link, a:visited, a:active, b
{text-decoration:none;color:#______;
filter:progid:dximagetransform.microsoft.gradientwipe(duration=2);font-weight:bold; }

a:hover
{text-decoration: none; background:url('http://www.yourpage.com/picture.gif');color:#______;font-weight:bold;}

SETTING A BORDER AND BACKGROUND COLOR FOR LINKS:

a:link, a:visited, a:active
{text-decoration: none; font-weight:bold;color:#______; }

a:hover, .head
{color:#______;font-weight: bold;
border: 1px solid #______;background-color:#______;}

DOTTED LINE UNDER LINKS WITH COLOR BACKGROUND:

A:link,A:visited,A:active,b
{text-decoration:none;color:#______;border-bottom:1px
dotted #______;font-weight:bold;}

a:hover
{text-decoration:none;background:#______;color:#______;font-weight:bold;}

SIMPLE BACKGROUND COLOR FOR LINKS:

a:link, a:visited, a:active, b
{text-decoration:none;color:#______;
filter: progid:dximagetransform.microsoft.pixelate(duration=.4,
maxSquare=22, enabled=false); }

a:hover
{text-decoration: none; background-color:#______;color:#______;}

Now back to the rest of the blog content css settings:

.content {
  margin-right: auto;
  margin-left: auto;
  background: #______;
  text-align: left;
  width: ___px;
  border: __px  solid #______;
}

.bloguser {
  display:none;
}
.insert {
  border: 1px #______;
}
.header {
border: 1px #______;
background:#______ url('http://www.yoursite.com/yourimage.jpg');
  height: ___px;
  color: #______;
  padding: 0px;
}

.blogs {
  width: ___px;
  float:left;
}
.plugins {
  float: right;
  width: ___px;
}
.blog {
  border: 1px solid #______;
  padding:6px;
  margin:8px;
  background: #______;
}
.plugin {
  border: 1px solid #______;
  padding:6px;
  margin:8px;
}
.spacer {
  clear:both;
  height:0;
}
.subject {
  font-weight: bold;
}
.date {
  float: right;
}
.text {
  margin:1em;
}
.plugin {
  background: #______;
}
.plugin .label {
  text-align: center;
  font-color: #______;
}
.plugin .info {
  margin: 4px;
}

Anything I left out, add to your heart's content.  There are so many different ways we can set a template that it's almost impossible to include them all in one sample sheet.  I'm making these cheat sheets for public use.  They're all yours!  Do what you want and design to your heart's content.  More will be added as more experiments prove workable.

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/open_invitation_to_update_the_css_cheat_sheets.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/my_naughty_erotic_art_xxx_rated.mws valentinaxxx 2005-11-21T01:11:55-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/my_naughty_erotic_art_xxx_rated.mws

For those not in the know, from time to time I create some erotic art for my own pleasure and to the delight of some very close friends.  Tonight I'd like to share my latest creation with you...

"I am the Most Beautiful Woman when you are inside me" is an ink drawing combined with some erotic poetry.  It expresses the joy and power I feel when I make love.  DON'T hit that link if you are easily offended by sexual material.  I love semen and, instead of drawing something pornographic in a disgusting way, I try to make it as beautiful as possible.  It is the seed of life, my friends, and for those of you who do enjoy sex and art, I hope this made your day.  The following is the poem that goes along with the illustration:

the gentle low rumble of a sigh in your throat
your soft perfume plume of hair crowning your balls
deep forest of pleasure like an army of butterflies at my fingertips
secluded place of treasure honey for my anxious lips
you are the sweet sweat of EMBRACE
the moist tender slap of flesh
a thunder clap of lust
and the promise of ORGASM on its way to come
AND when you do --
I AM THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
in the world when I have you inside ME
and I AM the most powerful LADY when just my touch makes you grow
transform into precious throbbing ROOT THICK with WET
each drop of you dribbling SUGAR milk porridge
SEED of all LIFE awakening at my breasts

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/my_naughty_erotic_art_xxx_rated.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/secrets_of_lost_finally_revealed.mws valentinaxxx 2005-11-21T07:11:14-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/secrets_of_lost_finally_revealed.mws

Not so long ago, in a galaxy -- um, no -- on an island far, far away...

A bunch of misfits crash landed.

They had no idea that an intergalatic civil war was going on just on the other side of the island and that all those weird noises they heard were not a monster, but Imperial Walkers on duty...

And, now that I think about it, maybe a stray blast during the battle between Imperial and Rebel forces raging in space might've been the thing that made their plane crash in the first place...

"The Others" on the island are really a race of furry creatures who, contrary to their beign appearance, are a pack of blood thirsty animals!

Or that the numbers they punch into the computer located in a hidden hatch are an old Imperial code used by Rebel forces to sneak into the hidden forests of the island...

Luke: "I shouldn't have come. I'm endangering the mission..."

Han: "It's an old code, but it should still work!"

And did you guys know that the French chic, Danielle, and the crazy Scotsman, Desmond, were actually Rebel spies keeping the survivors in the dark until reinforcements could arrive...

It's then, in a heroin-withdraw-induced-haze that Charlie realizes who he really is...
Charlie: "Where's Treebeard?"

Charlie: "Oh my, Pippin!  You've gained a lot of weight since we left the Shire!"

Charlie: "Seriously, Pip.  You gotta lay off the Lammas bread.  It's caught up with you..."

At about the same time, Locke, all alone in the woods, deals with a shocking revelation of his own...
Locke:  "NO!  It can't be!"

Yoda:  "Don't go in there with weapons, told you I did."

Locke:  "Never.  Tell me.  What  I can't.  Do!"

And, remember that orientation film Locke and Jack watched?

  Hmmmm....  Doesn't this guy look awfully familiar?

Isn't that George Lucas?
No! Wait. That's gotta be Peter Jackson!!!
I think it's now safe to assume that the universe is about to go to the Hobbits!

Meanwhile, Sawyer, Michael, and Jin deal with some other unfriendly natives...

Lucky for them, Boromir and Aragorn weren't far behind!

But there is another ring on this island, one more powerful than that of malice...

And this bitch ain't gonna part with that hunk of gold!

It's around about this time that Michael wishes he were still back at that underground party...

Michael should've never listened to Locke when he gave him the choice between taking two pills...

And where the hell is Walt anyway?

Oh, yeah, and one other thing...  That Captain Jack Sparrow isn't going to let anyone come between him and his new found lady friend...

And, Dammitt! While moving last week, I lost my boyfriend's best pair of undies...

I should probably check to see if my friend miyamom stole them...

Yes, folks, I've just proven that it's possible to combine LOST and Star Wars with Lord of the Rings and add a dash of The Matrix, mix in Where the Wild Things Are and squirt a shot of Pirates of the Caribbean and put in my lust for Sawyer as dessert all in one episode of deletedscenes !!!  And yeah, I think since I hit unemployment, I've got waaaaaaay too much time on my hands.

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/secrets_of_lost_finally_revealed.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/i_wanna_talk_about_men_about_what_i_want_what_ive_had_what_may_be.mws valentinaxxx 2005-11-22T10:11:17-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/i_wanna_talk_about_men_about_what_i_want_what_ive_had_what_may_be.mws

The other night, while alone in bed, I was thinking of new things I'd like to blog about.  I came up with one subject I can't stop harping on and that's, well, Men!  I started with a list of five of my favorite actors, the ones I find the most attractive, and wondered why these men have such an effect on me...

1.  Clive Owen: He is the classic tall, dark, and handsome.  But it's his deep, soft voice that turns me on.  I can only imagine what he'd sound like in bed with my head resting on his chest.
2.  Josh Holloway: He reminds me of ex-boyfriends I've had; all the bad ones!  His cocky attitude, deep dimpled smile, sandy blonde hair, and dramatic eyes.  He really knows how to give every role he plays depth.  And that southern accent is another charmer.
3.  Billy Boyd/Dominic Monaghan:  Yeah, I've got the hobbit lust!  It's hard to come between these two guys, but it would be a lot of fun to do so (wink, wink)!  They are my dream man sandwich.  I imagine that they're both great fun in bed and would probably keep me laughing.  Between the two of them, I must say I'm most attracted to Billy.  It's his voice; sweet and soft.  Dom seems to have more energy and likes to be the center of attention but something also tells me that he'd be hard to trust with a secret.  They're both big talkers.  In every interview they really chat it up.
4.  Johnny Depp:  I really should put him more at the top.  He's another guy with a lot of energy and emotion, as well as something of a bad boy streak.  Extremely talented with unpredictable wit and a great humanitarian to boot.  I can't resist his eyes, they're like molten chocolate.  
5.  Ryan Reynolds:  Another one I tend to have a lot of erotic fantasies about.  He's also tall and dark with a quick wit, smart ass comebacks, and yet he has this aura of deep thought and spirituality, comes off as a regular kind of guy.  In some interviews, when caught a little off guard, the witty smartass act fades into something philosophical.  Like Josh Holloway, he's good at hiding his true self and becomes a character on screen.

And what about the men I really know, the guys I've long lusted after who are here right at home?  My choices in men have been somewhat unusual.  Here's a list of favorite attributes of lovers past and present and those I wish were mine:

1. Long Hair: Doesn't matter if the guy has thick dark hair or thin blonde hair, if his hair is braided, curly, or free, if his hair is long, he's diffinitely my type. There's nothing like the feel of long hair lightly brushing my naked skin while he's on top. I also have long hair (I believe it to be my best attribute) and love to play with other people's long hair. There's something very intimate about brushing a man's long hair and letting him brush mine.
2. Boots: I don't like men who wear sneakers or sandals. I like men who have boots; be they shit-kicker cowboy boots or heavy black leather club stompers with lots of silver buckles, I have this obscene fetish for men with extremely attractive and unique footwear. If he wears heels, he's even more attractive to me. And if he walks like a panther in those boots, he's mine!
3. Fashionable: Seriously, I know this puts me in danger of falling for gay men, but if he's straight and naturally has a sense for fashion, I know the guy not only is worldly, but he knows what looks good on him and his confidence in his looks is a great turn on. I don't want to be with someone who is careless about the way he looks. There's also something dramatic about a man with a good wardrobe; not only does he know what looks good on him, he can also dress well for whatever part he's playing in life. My friend Greg has a lovely collection of designer and vintage clothes; he can sometimes look like he just stepped out of the 60's with a poet's shirt and leather pants, then he can change to a business suit and then into soft casual sweaters and calf-high biker boots that make him look like he just stepped off a runway. I love walking into his room and never knowing what he's going to wear next! Too cool. If more men knew how to dress themselves, they'd get laid way more often. Trust me, guys.
4.  Jewelery:  I like a man who wears a little bling, maybe even with earrings, but no piercings in weird places.  Like clothes, the guy has to know what looks good and doesn't go overboard with the gold or silver.  Just a little something sparkly or maybe just a unique necklace with an exotic stone or Celtic knotwork will get my attention.  If he knows his jewels and gems, I know he'll probably give me a shiny gift or two, that is, if he really loves me (hint, hint)! 
5.  Boldness: I love men who assertively and aggressively pursue their goals and who are unashamed to express themselves openly.  Even if they have little tact, at least I'll always know what they strongly believe in and never have to pull twenty questions with them.  I also like it when a man just comes out and asks or states something that other men would beat around the bush about.  I've learned that if I have to ask the man out, he won't take me out, but if he asks me, I'll never have to ask him for anything because he's so up front about everything.  Boldness also plays a role in the bedroom; if he's up front about everything else, he won't ever be afraid to express himself sexually to me.  I don't like it when I know a guy wants me but he's too shy to get me into bed.  Chances are, if he's shy, he's going to be a bit squeamish about sex, just like some women are that way, too.  Once I warm up to a man and know what he's all about, I'm bold with him, too, and that makes for good communication about what each of us expects from one another.  As long as he's not overly bold, mind you, just bold enough to deal with me being just as bold as he is, then we got it going on.

The one major thing I can't stand about men is that most of the ones I've fallen in love with tend to only want me for one thing; a blow job!  I worship a man's body and that means I pay particular attention to the one thing they love just as much as I do; the penis.  However, as soon as a guy gets wind of this and then discovers how wonderful it is to be with a woman who knows how to treat him well, they will do everything in their power to keep me as their blow bitch.  Yet a line is drawn somewhere.  I may be a great experience in bed, but never seem to be good enough to be chosen for a steady girlfriend or wife.  For some reason men will leave me for these women who never seem to want to give them sex, much less a blow job.  Months or years later they come back to me complaining about how the new relationship didn't work out and I know they're coming back to me not to just cry on my shoulder.  Men like to be spoiled by the women they love, yet why do they fall for women who don't love them enough to treat them like they want to be treated?  I think it's the same reason why I fall for men who don't realize I'm a good thing; we all want what we can't get!

I talked to my brother about this.  First you have to understand something about my brother, Mark.  Mark has been, in his time and true to most of the men in our family, a womanizer.  I've seen him drift from one woman to another and always wondered why.  Since he's my brother I know he'll answer me directly.  So I asked Mark, "Why is it that men leave women who treat them well sexually for women who don't treat them well?"  He pretty much answered the same thing I concluded; that men have some women for security blankets and others they want to take care of, hoping that somehow this will convince the woman to treat them with great favor.  Usually it doesn't work out but it doesn't stop guys from pursuing women who need rescuing and teaching.  My brother admits that he would've been better off with some of the women he dated before he met his baby's Mama!  So there you have it, Ladies.

I even asked my former best friend the same question, but in a different way.  I asked Drew, "Why isn't giving good sex enough for men?"  He never answered me.  Just shut his mouth, gave a little weird pout, and looked sad, as if embarassed that I should ask such a thing of him.  Of course I was fooling around with him at the time, but it was the most honest question I could ask him.  I still think, despite how many times he and other guy friends of mine complained about their sex and love lives, the answer was that it wasn't enough.  Just like us they need someone who will change for them, someone to pursue and not necessarily someone who will cater to their every whim, however nice that would be for them. 

I don't know.  What do the men out there have to say about that?  I'd be ever so interested to hear your answers.  If you had to decide between a woman who loves you, is always there for you, willing to give you head whenever you wanted, and a woman who may love you but needs your attention, instruction, convincing, and rescuing; who would you choose?

And with that, I have to admit that time and time again I've fallen for men who are full of style, but not very sensitive, yet somehow they are the most exciting in bed.  Who would I chose?  The nice guy who is not as stylish but who is loyal and discreet, cuddly and warm, or the guy who brings to me mystery, adventure, and the possible danger that he'll leave me for someone thin and meek?  Um, I'd go for that mystery man.  Why?  It's like the answer I give to men who ask me why is it that women pick on them for being "nice guys."  It's because sometimes the "nice guys" are just acting way too nice and sweet and that comes off as seemingly fake.  Just as fake as the men who we see as the "bad boy" type; ones who dress smart and play women for fools.  I think we all want to win over the baddies, the ones who make us want to reform or rescue them.  Could it be that we all have the touch of the parent inside us when it comes to romance?  We all seem to want to be babies, too.  To be cuddled and adored and taken care of.  Maybe Freud was right with some of the theories he came up with about sexual behavior.  Interesting.

Fantasies aside, here's my list of what I want in a husband (in addition to the attributes I listed above, of course):
1. My Best Friend: He's gotta be that companion for life. The one I can count on to be there no matter what, the one I turn to for advice, the one I trust with secrets, the man who is my "other half" following me everywhere like a shadow; even when he's not there. He's the guy I can talk on the phone to every night, the one I can sleep with without getting uncomfortable. The one person I share everything with and not feel like he's getting in my way. Someone I can live with -- and that's a tall order, believe me!
2. Honorable: I've often asked potential boyfriends what their personal virtues are. In other words, what is it that they hold sacred? If they list friendship, integrity, loyalty, and honesty, and they live up to these virtues, they've got me. I've had many men claim to be honorable, but rarely do they show themselves to be nothing other than hypocritical. Then there are those who rather live their virtues instead of just listing them to me. One old friend of mine always gave me the impression he was a womanizer because he dated a lot of women, but later I noticed that he never once cheated on any of them, he always broke things off in a timely fashion and never failed to help any of his ex-girlfriends out, no matter if the current lover wanted him to or not. He not only believed in taking care of and listening to women, he just did it! It was also probably why he got so many of them in bed; they trusted him. I would trust a guy who is always willing to help out a friend, even if that friend happened to be an ex.
3. He would rather watch movies than sports: Seriously, I hate sports and hate it even more when people go on and on and on talking obsessively about their favorite sports team. I love men who are into movies and books, men who would rather hang out with me talking about filmmaking or about a great poem they read/wrote than who won last night's game. Whenever anyone starts talking sports, they lose my attention and interest. And, with that said, I guess you could say that my "superbowl" is the Oscar's. Everything stops when that awards show is on and I cast bets over who is going to win what. Another thing I hate is whenever I switch on a film I love, say, Fellini's "8 1/2" or David Lynch's "Blue Velvet" and someone has to talk over the film asking questions about what's going to happen next and so on. If you can't sit there and enjoy the cinematography, you'll never get it and, chances are you'll annoy me enough to not want to be with you. Oh, and no "chic" or "date" films, please.  Nothing like a dorky romantic comedy to give me a headache!  The film has to have mystery, horror, adventure, and sex in order to really grab me.
4. Voluptuary: For me to really want to be with a man for the rest of my life, he's gotta love life and all its little indulgences. He's gotta love food, drink, art, and sex and not be afraid to show it.
5. Spiritual: I should've put this at the top of the list, but that's okay, each part of my list is essential to loving me. A spiritual man, one who respects the spirit world enough to be a Pagan priest or shaman is the mate for me. He should be knowledgable in the Occult and not afraid to go on a ghost hunt with me and also be willing to participate in ritual.

Thus ends my latest tirade on men, relationships, dating, sex, etc.  For now!

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/i_wanna_talk_about_men_about_what_i_want_what_ive_had_what_may_be.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/just_another_day_but_with_more_food.mws valentinaxxx 2005-11-25T04:11:10-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/just_another_day_but_with_more_food.mws

Well, another Turkey Day has come and gone. Thanksgiving is not a major holiday in my books anyway, it's more of a white folk's gig. For American Indians it's just another day like Columbus Day where we're reminded of how shafted we were by the white man. But not really. I mean, I could be an old grump and complain, but seriously, this American tradition isn't all that bad. At least I get a decent meal courtesy of my family and I usually don't have to cook. Not that I'm a bad cook, I'm just lazy. Today I'm just thankful that I've got a safe place to live and am not starving.

Over the years the way I view Thanksgiving has changed and it isn't due to anyone preaching anything at me, just realized that, in my experience, it can be a very lonely holiday if you're single with no kids living on a tight budget. In college my friends would invite me over to their family's house because they felt it was a shame I'm alone at home dining on pizza. I always told them it was no big deal and that my family really doesn't have a Thanksgiving traditional celebration anyway. Nowadays it's community that feels obligated to give me food and I don't turn down free food, however sometimes I think we need to be giving to others like this more often than just a few days in winter, if you know what I mean. I think Thanksgiving is something of an illusion like Santa Claus on Christmas, something nice to dream about and long for; a time we can set aside to gather with family and friends. I don't know. Maybe I'm just cynical or a little bitter but I have very few Thanksgiving memories that I can recall fondly: like the men on the white side of the family ignoring everyone at the dinner table while they watch football, the time I burnt the Turkey and my mother told me how stupid I was for even trying, and the many Thanksgiving dinners I spent with other families who seemed to have things a lot better than me and I'd try to fit in without feeling abnormal. It also sucks sometimes that everything closes early and I have to schedule things around a holiday I really don't celebrate. People also react weirdly whenever they ask you what you're doing for Thanksgiving and I tell them that all I'm going to do is sleep in and watch a movie. They either feel sorry for me or are intimidated over what they believe is something stanchly moral or political on my part for thinking that it's just a white folks holiday. Of course it isn't just white people who celebrate Thanksgiving, but you gotta admit that it's not something a Native American person would celebrate considering that, like Columbus Day, it marks a sad event -- my ancestors were willing to share this land and its bounty, but those we welcomed had other ideas...

About the only good memory I have of Thanksgiving is the time I met someone very special.  The year was 2000 and, just like any other Thanksgiving, I was planning on spending it alone with a good watch and read -- just like someone I had met online.  Andrew, who was just another name on my email list, invited me to meet him and, like some crazy fool without even thinking how I was going to get there or even thought of what risks I was taking going off to meet someone I didn't know what he looked like, I went and nearly had a heart attack when I met him.  It's a bitter sweet memory now considering that we're no longer the close friends we once were.  I wonder now if I would take such a risk again.  I wonder how I will meet someone of you out there I correspond with online; some contacts lead to strong friendships, others are just to satisfy the curiousity.

So Thanksgiving is both depressing and nice at the same time for me. Good that I get free food, but leaves a bad taste in my mind when I think about my ancestors and about so many other people out there who have it much worse than me. So I give thanks cautiously. It also feels weird today to not be working on the day after Thanksgiving. This is the first Day After I haven't worked in over a decade. I feel unproductive and more than a little stingy with my money. I'm never amazed, however, at the examples of greed I see during this time of year. I don't dare walk near a Wal-Mart for fear of getting run over by some madwoman with a shopping cart. It's times like these I just want to be home alone anyway. So excuse me while I run back under the covers and curl up with a good book or movie. Besides, it's cold out there!

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/just_another_day_but_with_more_food.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/something_i_noticed.mws valentinaxxx 2005-11-25T04:11:55-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/something_i_noticed.mws

UPDATE:  After writing the following, I realized that I probably shouldn't be so hard on whoever did the Charcoal theme.  Keep in mind that anyone out there can do their own variation on any theme.  Mindsay allows you all to customize the designs that are submitted and accepted as you see fit. ~Val

I just checked out the Pick A Theme section today to see if anyone else has done any new blog themes.  Doesn't the new Charcoal theme remind you of my design for the LOST blog theme?  It's exactly the same colors but with no background or header image and it's just got left aligned titles with an underline!  I thought it was kinda weird.  I'm all for sharing with other designers on Mindsay and for making interesting blank themes, but someone out there needed to make this less like a design I originally made.  The least they could've done was make an effort to do things with a different color or font for the text.  They just cut and pasted with no creativity.  Of course this is just my opinion.  I don't want to discourage people from making blog themes or even elaborating on a design I already did, but I guess I just want to see more diversity is all! 

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/something_i_noticed.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/getting_into_the_holiday_spirit_for_blog_themes.mws valentinaxxx 2005-11-27T06:11:57-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/getting_into_the_holiday_spirit_for_blog_themes.mws Well, over Turkey Day I got into the spirit of the holidays and came up with these new designs for blog themes: 

Holly
Late Santa
Kwanzaa
Chanukkah
Yule
Fairy Muse
William Blake

I'll do some more later tonight.  Got any requests for the holidays?

Ah!  Just got a brilliant idea for a John Waters holiday theme featuring Divine as Dawn Davenport: "Nice girls don't wear cha-cha heels!" hee hee!

]]> http://www.mindsay.com/comments/valentinaxxx/getting_into_the_holiday_spirit_for_blog_themes.mws http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/see_for_yourself_otacon120_really_does_look_like_johnny_depp.mws valentinaxxx 2005-11-28T07:11:01-05:00 http://valentinaxxx.mindsay.com/see_for_yourself_otacon120_really_does_look_like_johnny_depp.mws

Okay, in response to otacon120's blog entry concerning whether or not he looks like a young Johnny Depp, I had to do a little investigative photo comparison...

 

I think it's the mustache and beard, the dark eyes and hair, and those unmistakable cheek bones that draws a likeness between the two.  Even Jakob's hair matches Johnny's!  Sorry Jakob, it's true, you're a dead ringer for a young Johnny Depp.  And Johnny is HOT.  After highlighting this comparison, you should be getting hit on by chics all the time now!

As for some people saying he has a baby face, I don't think I agree.  You are young, but not that young! Since I'm a Johnny Depp fan and loved his performance in John Water's "CryBaby" we're going to do another fun comparison...
 

And who can resist OTACON SCISSORHANDS?

Looks like he's gonna cut up that flag...

Hmmm.... I wonder if there's anyone else out there on Mindsay who looks like a c