Outside our small safe place flies Mystery... A snake beneath the forest floor, a whisper: Melusine

I got a check-up today.  At first I really panicked because I've had a persistant pain in my left side, a pain further irritated by depression and stress.  I've been having a hard time really holding my emotions together.  I feel boxed in, lonely, bored, and every negative memory from the past comes hitting me hard in the mind.  The physical pain and the stress, I think, is related, so I walked over to the hospital to get some answers.  I ended up spending two hours getting poked with needles, urinating (twice because I first missed the cup -- they don't make those things easy to pee into), and listing off every symptom I have to several different doctors.  Turns out the pain may be caused by something very simple, just a torn muscle that is inflamed and aggrivated by gas and stress.  Furthermore, my entire downstairs needs a good detox.  All of it anxiety related.  But they still tested me for thyroid, diabetes, you-name-it, just to be sure I'm healthy.

 

I also finally decided, especially after taking some new photos of myself, that I need to lose weight.  I don't expect to get skinny, I just want to feel less bloated and move around better.  All my life I've had to struggle with weight problems and I've had to struggle even more with people who can't seem to look past my weight.  Most of the time I consider my plus sized body a personal "fuck you!" to the rest of the world.  The only way I'll lose some weight is for myself.  Not for a man.  Not for family.  Just for me, to feel better, lighter.  However I don't expect much of myself.  After getting poked with needles and all that I made an appointment to see a nutritionist.  Something has to be done.

 

Maybe it'll help with balancing my emotional state.  I'm tired of weeping alone into my bed pillows.  But worst of all, I hate hospital visits.  I've put off even meeting with my therapists for too long.  What's worse than depression is apathy.  When I can't get up to even bother with showering or even stepping outside to check the mail, there's something wrong with me.  So forcing myself to walk to the hospital was a big thing for me today.  I'm proud of myself.  I did my good deed of the day for myself. 

 

Let's hope this Valentina's Day is going to be a good one!