Outside our small safe place flies Mystery... A snake beneath the forest floor, a whisper: Melusine

Monday afternoon I got a strange phone call from a secret admirer. Now, I'm all for people admiring me, but my gut feeling about this situation proved annoying. First off, the guy didn't give me a very good description of himself and he expected me to just drop everything for him upon his arrival. I told him I had responsibilities that day and in no way could I just do what he wanted right away. Besides, I didn't know him at all, he had only seen me once at my friend's place of business, and his sudden demand for me to go out with him was a bit too much and totally on the creepy side of things. As fate would have it, when I finally saw him, I groaned inside because he was nothing like anyone I'd be into. He had a buzz cut, scruffy beard, and tattoos. This secret admirer wasn't anything I would've wanted him to be. And, yes, I do believe, despite the fact I haven't dated anyone in many years, that I have a "type" -- one I can clarify here, but I'll get to that in a minute -- and if ever anyone who frequents my various websites would notice, I'm not into anyone average or rednecky. Even though he wasn't the kind of man I'd go for, I still felt obligated to at least give him a half hour of my time and talk. I know what it's like to work up the courage to ask a stranger out and get rejected and, despite the fact I didn't like him, I don't want anyone to feel the way I've felt. I wanted to let him down, but gently, and if that wasn't good enough, I'd have to be mean. Last thing I want to do is hedge, make cop outs or excuses that really don't say the right thing, and lead someone on like I've been treated by men I was into who weren't so into me!

As soon as I told him "I'm not looking for anyone right now" and "I'm really not interested in dating you" he got antsy. He was determined to prove to me that he could be "the one" for me. "You could fall madly in love with me," he said, "and still you won't date me because you say you don't want to date." What part of "I'm really not interested" did he not understand? Why do men do this? It was like he was forcing me to be a bitch. And I should have been more of a bitch!

After finishing a favor for a friend, I decided to meet him in a public place and gave him a half hour of my time. I refused to go anywhere private. This man was a stranger. I've heard way too many horror stories to not know better. I rarely, if ever, go out with a stranger or get into a car with someone I don't know. The very few times I've gone out to meet someone new, I consider myself lucky that nothing bad happened, and mine is not the personality to be charmed out of my common sense. I wasn't frightened to meet this stranger, yet my gut told me to be careful. There was, maybe, only a few seconds of excitement when I first got the phone call and then that feeling of flattered embarassment at being admired from a far. But when that guy walked up to me, my heart sank. This was not going to be fun.

I spent that half hour finding out that this secret admirer had even less in common with me. He wasn't spiritual, he liked monster trucks, smoked a lot of weed, loves sports, and races mini remote-controlled trucks. This "date" did not go well at all. I wondered what it was about me that would attract such an individual. Yes, at least I know I'm attractive to someone, but why him? He was also much younger than I am, had no money to take me out with anyway, and was still asking me to do something with him. Annoying. Simply annoying. It left a bad taste in my mind.

And I couldn't get rid of him right away. I think when I'm nice, perhaps it's too much, like I'm sending the wrong signal, and this demands that I be mean and repeat "no" several times. Yet I couldn't be completely rude. I was haunted by memories of being on the other side -- being madly in love with a man I couldn't be with, chasing after a dream that would betray me, memories of being turned down and humiliated -- but it was the shame of being wrong about how someone else felt about me that really was getting to me. No matter how difficult this guy was, I could not live up to his worship and would never submit to his amourous demands; I owed him nothing, I would not make the mistake others have made with me, and so I thanked him as best I could and said that this would go nowhere. I did not even want to be his friend. And still he requested a phone number and my address. I told him "no" and, even though it sounded like an excuse, I spoke the truth when I said "I do not have a phone and I am about to move." Giving out that information would prove to have been a faulty decision on my part. He took it as a sign that there was still a chance for him to win me over.

Thing is, he could never win me over. There were no chances to give. He will remain a stranger. I won't let him even be my friend! I don't want a friend who has sad puppy dog eyes for me. If I let this guy be my friend, it'll only encourage him to chase me harder. I wonder if this is how Andrew felt towards me. That wondering leaves me heart sick. How can someone care to be so cruel?

I remember thinking that the more I did for someone else, the more I would win points, that somehow I'd win the object of my desire over. I was crazy. Deluded even. To think that a lover could be had like that. I'm no good at winning over a lover anyway. So why try? Yet this guy was determined. He made me say no over and over again. I will not play the head game I was delt years ago. I've given up on the very idea of dating anyone, especially dating someone I'm not interested in only for the sake of making them feel better about their self. I'm all about being independent now. I'm free of relationship drama now. And, really, I love myself too much now to put myself through the insecurity and stress sexual and love relationships bring.

So, tired and weary of being nice, I went home alone with a little anxiety that somehow I failed to desuade my now not-so-secret admirer from chasing me. I also felt guilty becuase I complain too much that I feel undesirable and here someone showed up to sing me praises for being so beautiful and exotic and I had to say, "fuck you, go away!"

And I can't help but think if more men I'm into turned me down with an immediate "fuck off!" that perhaps I'd be more sane today.